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Original poster

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

775 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 21:06

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

OP posts:
Sorrynotsorry2 · 09/01/2022 10:14

No

Fineday66 · 09/01/2022 10:21

I saw that episode and felt the girlfriend is under great pressure to stay, support, and make the partner's needs priority over everything.
Posters here in the 'of course I would, love is love, its only genitals' camp are being dismissive of the profound reasons women seem to leave these men. Self-absorption, narcissism, abusive behaviour and lying characterize the stories of women who opt to leave. Also being forced to rewrite personal histories and the adverse impact on children of men putting themselves first. Let's not pretend this is a simple matter equivalent to accidentally losing a limb. If it was, a lot more woman would stay wouldn't they?

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/01/2022 10:21

No. It took me a long time to recognise, male entitlement and gaslighting in my previous relationship. The master thing I would do now is get straight back into a relationship where the moods etc are reliant on what I say/do/go along with. I'm responsible for me and mine. I would not get into a relationship or stay in a relationship where the terms are changed without consent by one half of thr couple. Nor would I accept their mental health and well being , being outsourced to me rather than them seeking help for themselves.

Just No.

Pinnerbrat · 09/01/2022 10:23

I see those suicide stats aren't forthcoming ...

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 09/01/2022 10:23

I’m speechless at the person suggesting it is homophobic to answer the question with ‘no’.

Curiousmouse · 09/01/2022 10:24

No

PermanentTemporary · 09/01/2022 10:25

Red lipstick? I think of nationally prominent journalist JF telling their daughter they were going to transition a short time before her A levels. She failed her exams.

Having said that I also think of X who I knew through work whose life only improved through transition. They'd grown up in a loving but incredibly homophobic religious, in fact creationist, family. I'm glad they found their own path and I hope they are in a happy relationship with a man at last.

AlexaShutUp · 09/01/2022 10:26

No. The attraction would be gone completely.

PonyPatter44 · 09/01/2022 10:29

Threatening suicide to get your partner to do what you want is disgusting.

I'm another who would not stay in a relationship if my DP transitioned.

Sonex · 09/01/2022 10:32

I was shocked at someone posting the supposed suicide stats. Even if they were true, whcih we all know they're not, that's incredible to see coercive control down in black and white like that. Imagine a woman saying to a man "sleep with me even though you are no longer sexually attracted to me / feel betrayed by me or I will kill myself"

I think MTF trans women really need to know that the vast majority of women won't be sexually attracted to them, if that's what they're into, and know that going in, so that it's not the surprise it seems to be for many of them complaining about it on SM.

The two people I know that are MTF trans are in long term relationships with men post-transition, after previously being with women. I think that has more chance of working out.

Campervan69 · 09/01/2022 10:32

Blurgh no. He'd look absolutely ridiculous. No way would I fancy him anymore.

Tabbycat80 · 09/01/2022 10:35

From what I've seen of online late transitioners ( if you want to 'research' just look up advice sites for transitioning men), I'm afraid it IS very much 'Carry On' littlewins. The emphasis for late transitioners seems to be universally the 'dressing up', make up, 'sexy' clothes quite unlike most women. I see the evidence all around - high profile trans people, Transwidows' experiences, the experience of a friendly of mine who left her partner, and of a boy I grew up with who is now trans. I couldn't stay if it happened to me because I brought up my daughter not to feel pressured to conform to sexist gender roles and the notion that women like 'girl' stuff and look a certain way. Can't imagine parenting and living together with someone who thinks it's all about body hair removal and short skirts. Sleep you've got it the wrong way round. It's the late transitioners not the women who leave them, who are wedded to traditional gender roles, that's the problem!

Ereshkigalangcleg · 09/01/2022 10:37

But isn't that itself a stereotyped idea of a transwoman? They don't all present as sexy 20 year olds. I know a couple at work and they present as middle-aged, slightly overweight women.

Most late transitioners start as occasional cross dressers. It's a fairly accurate stereotype. I am not a believer in gender identity ideology and think a lot of these male people have led perfectly average male lives until this point. It's a mid life crisis for lots of them.

Echobelly · 09/01/2022 10:38

I don't think I would - I can be attracted to women but to be totally frank DH wouldn't pass and I wouldn't feel attracted to him and I think that can be a deal breaker.

That said I know people who have very happily stayed with a transitioned spouse.

beautifullymad · 09/01/2022 10:39

@twomumsonebump

Without a doubt. She's more to me than just her genitals. I love her heart and soul, and if it came down to losing her or letting her be her true self then I wouldn't even question it.
I agree.
EarthSight · 09/01/2022 10:39

I'm not sure if I can answer that for myself, but I wonder if if the women who do stay are either not completely straight, or if they have willingly said goodbye to the sexual aspect to their marriage. Maybe it was never something important in the first place.

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/01/2022 10:42

I couldn't stay if it happened to me because I brought up my daughter not to feel pressured to conform to sexist gender roles and the notion that women like 'girl' stuff and look a certain way. Can't imagine parenting and living together with someone who thinks it's all about body hair removal and short skirts

Thing is, family life is pretty damn busy. Work school runs, cooking , cleaning , washing etc. Im a single mum.but the only free time I really have is a couple of hours in the day tine when no one else is around. I haven't seen a human outside of family or work in months.

I wouldn't have the time or the opportunity to start anything like this. The luxury of time and opportunity outside of family to indulge a transition, well thats not possible without a deliberately shirking of responsibility off to the spouse and kids surely?

I'd say a spouse/partner has every right to be angry, skeptical or leave in the hope of finding a more equal set up.

Kronprinz66 · 09/01/2022 10:43

Not a hope. Have seen family member go through this. Its so much more than 'just about the superficial packaging' and the impact on partners and kids can be terrible. But that's not talked about as we have to centre the 'brave' man at the centre... shudder, no thanks.

Change123today · 09/01/2022 10:45

No
It would be hard because I love them.
But I’d feel like the trust would be broken & whilst they would need support. I would need to retreat and mourn the future life lost and heal - selfish yes - but no less selfish than what they are going though. And both parties need the support.

beautifullymad · 09/01/2022 10:45

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

HouseOfGoldandBones · 09/01/2022 10:46

No. It would be a deal breaker

Whatwouldscullydo · 09/01/2022 10:47

Am I missing something?

Yes. People are free to leave any relationship at any time for any reason.

No one is entitled to a relationship.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 09/01/2022 10:49

Because a lot of the time there are other issues that go with it, it uses up family resources, it feels like not the person they married, gaslighting etc. And "identified gender" isn't something most people give much thought to outside of social media bubbles.

PermanentTemporary · 09/01/2022 10:49

I think a lot of people do stay in reality beautifully. But turn it round- what is gender? What is the person saying they want to do? What does it mean? I can imagine it being incredibly destabilising.

ArabellaScott · 09/01/2022 10:50

@beautifullymad

There are so many No's on here. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

If you love the very bones of someone, how can you not support them and carry on being married to them?

Surely you are married to the person and not their identified gender.

I'm not saying I wouldn't struggle with the transition but my answer wouldn't be to leave.

Am I missing something?

I would imagine there are various 'secrets' that if a husband comes out with a wife will change how she feels about him.

For me it would be deception or secrets that would be the issue. Plus the whole idea of 'gender' is just stereotypes, so investing in that as an idea that would have any impactful meaning would likely show a person to be either very shallow or lacking somewhat in intellectual understanding. In my view.

That is to say, my partner's choice of clothes or hairstyle wouldn't affect my feelings, but from what I read when men decide to 'transition' this indicates more a choice of a regressive, misogynist, homophobic, and sexist ideology than anything.