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Original poster

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

775 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 21:06

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 08/01/2022 22:50

But what does 'transitioning' actually mean?

Wearing a dress? Make up? It would not bother me if my partner decided to dress differently, tbh.

It is not possible to change sex, so no matter how someone chooses to present themselves, their sex and the sexual orientation of the people within the relationship remains the same.

TInkyWlnky · 08/01/2022 22:51

Yes, they're very good at working out who the women are when it suits their hatefulness or who they think should be coerced into unwanted sexual relations. They're not so good at creating intelligent or lucid arguments

Yep. This.

Shadedog · 08/01/2022 22:51

Not a chance. I’m also bisexual, but I’m attracted to women, not blokes who believe performing femininity makes them the same sex as me. I fail to see, on a physical level, how sex with a man who feels like a women is anything like having sex with a women. They don’t have women’s bodies. No women’s breasts, hips, arms, necks, legs, feet, lips. No clitoris, no vagina. I like sex with men too, but I would find a trans woman a massive turn off on an emotional level, even if physically an intact male. DP is pretty GNC but he doesn’t think he’s a woman, or that I’m only a women because I “identify” with feminine stereotypes. Not a chance I would be having a sexual relationship with someone who had opted for castration and penis inversion - it’s just not my thing and I’m really surprised that this fine with some people on the basis of liking sex with women. That’s not what women are. Accident or injury is one thing but this isn’t that. Being more than your genitals doesn’t mean that opting to have major, high risk surgery to have your genitals removed isn’t going to impact on your sexual relationship, and the emotional relationship that stems from it. I’m in an inter-racial, inter-faith relationship, we certainly aren’t always on the same page but belief in lady-brain and gendered souls and the narcissism that goes with transitioning would be a step too far.

TenoringBehind · 08/01/2022 22:51

No

Lacedwithgrace · 08/01/2022 22:51

No, I'm straight and I don't know if I'd still be attracted to him if he was a woman. I'd still support him of course

SweetPetrichor · 08/01/2022 22:52

I don’t think anyone can say for sure until they’re in a situation, but I can’t imagine leaving my partner if he transitioned. I find men and women attractive, and I adore him. I can’t imagine a spending my life with anyone else, regardless of how we change over time.

RhubarbTea · 08/01/2022 22:52

No, but I have done in the past. The relationship ended for other, non transition related reasons and I hadn't know them long before they started transitioning so I hadn't had time to get attached to the 'old' them. I wouldn't be able to hack it with my new partner, it would upset me too much. From past experience, is it is a bit like the person dying but also they're still alive. Really poignant, and kind of messes with your head. I wish anyone going through transition well, however, and I do think there are relationships which can survive it. They might be in the minority, but it can happen.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 08/01/2022 22:53

No, I wouldn’t stay with someone who appropriates being a woman.

MummyJasmin · 08/01/2022 22:53

No way.

Snugglepumpkin · 08/01/2022 22:53

No.

It would mean that the entire relationship right from the beginning had been built on lies so they had never been the person I thought they were.

That also means from the day you met them they treated you with contempt & everything you thought your relationship was built on is suspect.

I also wouldn't be interested in validating someone elses sexual fantasies so they could go round telling everyone they were in a lesbian relationship & appropriating my sex.
Womanface is abusive to women & any unfortunate children of a marriage/partnership who didn't ask to be saddled with a parent who wants to put their issues on public display.

It's cruel & selfish for men to expect this of anyone.

user1481840227 · 08/01/2022 22:53

No, definitely not. As well as not being attracted to men who transition I would also consider it to be a huge deception.

foxgoosefinch · 08/01/2022 22:54

@MsAwesomeDragon

No. Dh's best friend transitioned. He/she didn't have surgery but "presented as a woman". His wife was absolutely certain that she would stay with him after transition as she really didn't think it would matter. She left about a year after he came out. He wasn't the same person as she married, but he also wasn't acting like any woman she'd ever been attracted to. There was no taking on of caring responsibilities, there was no caring about her feelings, no empathy for how his children felt. Life became all about how he dressed, how he looked, how to do makeup, hair, etc. Their lives together revolved entirely around his ability to pass as a woman (he was over 6', so it was very difficult for anyone to look at him and see a woman). He was a very unhappy person as a man, suffering from eating disorders and depression all his adult life. That got worse after transition. The mental health issues didn't get better, they got far, far worse. He eventually killed himself, but not before he'd spent their life savings on surgery, beauty treatments, etc.
That’s a really sad story Sad

Another thing that goes against Flappy’s analogy is that it’s not 1950 any more - these days there are lots of married, apparently straight, women who grew up since the 80s and 90s and are much more sexually experienced, and aren’t actually strangers to fancying women or having flings with women. There’s no reason these days why they can’t be with a woman if they want. If their DH suddenly thinks he’s a woman, there’s no reason why the wife has to accept him as a woman - if she wants to be in a same sex relationship she can go and be in one with another woman instead.

Derbee · 08/01/2022 22:55

No way. I’d think of it as a total betrayal. Not the man I married

PaleGreenGhost · 08/01/2022 22:56

Difficult.

I'm straight, but he'd still be male as it's impossible to actually change sex, so no problem there.

Statistically, it's extremely unlikely he'd lose his penis, so there would still be potential for good sex (people saying "my partner is more than their genitals" - congrats you are bi! But there's nothing wrong with being straight or homosexual).

I think men can look great in "women's" clothes and wish people in general felt more free to wear all the types of clothes. So as long as he didn't dress as an offensive misogynist caricature of a woman, no issues here either.

The deal breaker would be on his personal beliefs. If he sincerely believed that he was a woman or female, I'd have to end the relationship in much the same way I might if he adopted another extreme belief. Ditto if he accepted he was a transwoman (fine) but then tried to assert that transwomen faced the same obstacles in life as women - this would be devastating because he knows all of the awful shit I've been through due to being female before I met him, and has the pleasure of witnessing how maternity and menstruation impacts my life.

Jaxhog · 08/01/2022 22:56

No. I would question the validity and honesty of my whole marriage. Btw, I'd have the same problem if he became a religious zealot or gay.

I wouldn't love him any less, but it would shake my faith in him (and my judgment) to the core.

Stormwhale · 08/01/2022 22:57

No I couldn't. I would no longer find him attractive. I am not attracted to trans women, so the marriage would be dead in the water. I would be utterly devastated and find it incredibly hard to move on, but it just wouldn't work.

LizzieSiddal · 08/01/2022 22:57

I think until any of us are truly in that scenario none of us could actually say what we would do

What absolute nonsense.
To me, my dh suddenly telling me he was “born in the wrong body” is the same as them declaring they are a born again Christian. I fundamentally disagree and would not be in a relationship with anyone who thought these things were true.

ArabellaScott · 08/01/2022 22:58

@PaleGreenGhost

Difficult.

I'm straight, but he'd still be male as it's impossible to actually change sex, so no problem there.

Statistically, it's extremely unlikely he'd lose his penis, so there would still be potential for good sex (people saying "my partner is more than their genitals" - congrats you are bi! But there's nothing wrong with being straight or homosexual).

I think men can look great in "women's" clothes and wish people in general felt more free to wear all the types of clothes. So as long as he didn't dress as an offensive misogynist caricature of a woman, no issues here either.

The deal breaker would be on his personal beliefs. If he sincerely believed that he was a woman or female, I'd have to end the relationship in much the same way I might if he adopted another extreme belief. Ditto if he accepted he was a transwoman (fine) but then tried to assert that transwomen faced the same obstacles in life as women - this would be devastating because he knows all of the awful shit I've been through due to being female before I met him, and has the pleasure of witnessing how maternity and menstruation impacts my life.

Yes, I think this is a good summation.
AngelinaFibres · 08/01/2022 22:59

I would need a huge amount of counselling to deal with that. We have been together a long time so there would be a lot I would want to retain; friendship, being grandparents , family life of a sort. I wouldn't want to remain married or to live in the same house . We would have to begin separate private lives.

Shadedog · 08/01/2022 22:59

Why would you think they had become a eunuch? That so odd. Transitioning doesn’t impact someone’s sexuality. The two are not automatically linked

Some men who have “bottom surgery” just have the orchidectomy and keep their penis for various reasons. It’s a much more straightforward surgery. Non surgical chemical castration is essentially becoming a eunuch too, although obviously lots of men opt to have neither hormones or surgery.

Stormwhale · 08/01/2022 22:59

The thing is I am actually bisexual. But I still don't find trans women attractive or have any sexual feelings towards them. It just wouldn't work.

SuPerDoPer · 08/01/2022 23:00

@MsAwesomeDragon

No. Dh's best friend transitioned. He/she didn't have surgery but "presented as a woman". His wife was absolutely certain that she would stay with him after transition as she really didn't think it would matter. She left about a year after he came out. He wasn't the same person as she married, but he also wasn't acting like any woman she'd ever been attracted to. There was no taking on of caring responsibilities, there was no caring about her feelings, no empathy for how his children felt. Life became all about how he dressed, how he looked, how to do makeup, hair, etc. Their lives together revolved entirely around his ability to pass as a woman (he was over 6', so it was very difficult for anyone to look at him and see a woman). He was a very unhappy person as a man, suffering from eating disorders and depression all his adult life. That got worse after transition. The mental health issues didn't get better, they got far, far worse. He eventually killed himself, but not before he'd spent their life savings on surgery, beauty treatments, etc.
This is really sad. The only transwomen that I have spent much time with have been similar. Very heavily focused on looking feminine and passing as a woman and not really very enjoyable company. Its a problem in our society that being "trans" seems to mean putting on a dress and being very defensive. I'd love to see more transwomen wearing jeans and trainers and putting their energy into more important stuff like their relationships and intellectual development.
abbey44 · 08/01/2022 23:00

No. I left. He'd changed the goalposts and I didn't get a say in it. I needed to protect our children who were very young at the time (this was twenty years ago and times were different then, and we lived in a very conservative place).

Emanchego · 08/01/2022 23:00

Nope. Like to think I'd sniff out their ways before then.

ArabellaScott · 08/01/2022 23:01

@Shadedog

Why would you think they had become a eunuch? That so odd. Transitioning doesn’t impact someone’s sexuality. The two are not automatically linked

Some men who have “bottom surgery” just have the orchidectomy and keep their penis for various reasons. It’s a much more straightforward surgery. Non surgical chemical castration is essentially becoming a eunuch too, although obviously lots of men opt to have neither hormones or surgery.

If I'm recalling the stats correctly, over 80% of 'transwomen' who 'transition' from male to what they think of as a woman have absolutely no interventions whatsoever. Certainly over 95% keep their penis.
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