Fetish behaviour or potential red flags?

[Shyla867]

Have been chatting to a man from OLD. He's very good looking, seems down to earth and we have similar interests and outlooks on life. All fine. We swapped numbers and he put his profile on private and explained he does this when messaging a woman and if it doesn't work out he'll go back on the app, all fine.. I think that's respectful and felt compelled to do the same.
He mentioned he likes curvy women, size 12 +.. I'm a size 12. I made a joke about how I'm not elegant and I'm clumsy etc, he said as long as I can wear heels it's cool. I explained I do wear heels for work, but on a day to day to the shops I would whip out the stilletoes and slap on a full face. I'm a single, full time working parent to a child under 5, I'm either in slacks or in work clothes. Anyway, he's made a couple of comments about wearing heels on a first date etc and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and finding it a bit much.
For context, my last relationship nearly 3 years ago was very abusive and controlling and I'm trying to recognise the signs without over analysing everything.
Just wondered what others thought?

Wouldn't*

I would definitely feel uncomfortable if I felt like I was being told what he expected me to wear.

It would put me off. You need to attend the first date in whatever clothes and shoes you are comfortable in. Otherwise he isn't meeting the real you.

It would be a no from me as I would feel I was being objectified before we even got started.

What exactly did he say about wearing heels on a first date?

I don’t think the general conversation sounds worrying, but so much is suggested in tone and frequency of the topic that might signal a red flag. Does he bring up the shoes every single time you chat? Does he give an indication of being a nice guy when you talk about other things, e.g. women’s rights or current news affairs?

I'd throw him back. Saying three times what he wants you to wear on a first date makes it sound like he wants a dress up doll, not a fully formed adult woman.

I decide what I wear.

Run. Just run.

That’s weird, he’s looking for sex, if you’re just wanting a shag and happy to do it in heels then go for it. Past that, this bloke ain’t looking for a deep and meaningful.

@Gargellen

It would put me off. You need to attend the first date in whatever clothes and shoes you are comfortable in. Otherwise he isn't meeting the real you.

It would be a no from me as I would feel I was being objectified before we even got started.

That's exactly how I feel. He's trying to steer the conversation sexually also. I'm trying not to be a prude, but I think it's the objectification that is making me not want to engage in any sexual conversation! He's v good looking, but have felt uncomfortable since those comments and don't know what to do.

Throw this one back

Give this man a swerve.

If you have not already looked at the Freedom Programme I would suggest you do so ASAP and particularly before you enter into another relationship. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, were got at further by this individual. Your sentence that begins, “We swapped numbers and he put his profile on private....was a red flag in itself.

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

What exactly did he say about wearing heels on a first date?

When I said I don't wear heels other than for work. He said as long as its on a first date and also in the bedroom, he's happy...

He's put himself on private so any other potentials will not see who he is talking to. If you don't come across, he will look for someone else who will. He has probably been doing this shit for ages. He looks for vulnerable women he can manipulate.

Shall I just block him without any explanation? He's stupidly told me where he works and all personal information, I've not reciprocated and been purposely vague. Shall I just block his number and on the app?

The fact too that you felt compelled to do as he did re this is also suggesting to me that your boundaries need a lot more work.

It's weird. He should be asking questions about you, not telling you what he wants you to wear!

Your gut instinct is there for a reason. If you feel uncomfortable with this, listen to your body.

He said as long as its on a first date and also in the bedroom, he's happy...

I wouldn't be keen on this. Either it's a fetish (which I wouldn't be into) or he's old-fashioned in his ideas.

I certainly wouldn't wear heels on a first date - I'd want shoes I could walk quickly in if needed.

If it feels wrong it's wrong.

Trust your gut.

Block him now and do not respond to him any further.

I would also consider reporting him to this dating app if he is still on this.

@Shyla867

Shall I just block him without any explanation? He's stupidly told me where he works and all personal information, I've not reciprocated and been purposely vague. Shall I just block his number and on the app?

Totally block.

Do look at the Freedom Programme and I would also be reading a copy of “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.

I think because of my past skydive relationship, I promised myself if I had the slightest doubt I wouldn't settle. I've felt really uncomfortable since those comments and don't think it'll change. Haven't replied to him since. Going to block him.

Abusive * not skydive

Urgh. I would be put off by that. I cancelled a first date once for a man telling me to 'wear something sexy'. It feels a bit prurient, these little hints about sex and what pleases him sexually and how you should dress to please him. You're grown adults, you both know that if a relationship forms then sex is a part of that in due course. This hinting and niggling about it is very unsexy and offputting to me, the very opposite of what flirting should feel like.

I met my now dh on a night out. Heels, make up, hair done, posh frock.
Shared a taxi and a kiss.
Met him the next night in our village. I was wearing lounge wear, hair tied up and bare minimum make up(still hung over) and cba tbh!! . We had a great night. No sex. No complaints. Just a great night.. If your new found man has expectations you need to bin him. Imo.