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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fetish behaviour or potential red flags?

115 replies

Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 18:24

Have been chatting to a man from OLD. He's very good looking, seems down to earth and we have similar interests and outlooks on life. All fine. We swapped numbers and he put his profile on private and explained he does this when messaging a woman and if it doesn't work out he'll go back on the app, all fine.. I think that's respectful and felt compelled to do the same.
He mentioned he likes curvy women, size 12 +.. I'm a size 12. I made a joke about how I'm not elegant and I'm clumsy etc, he said as long as I can wear heels it's cool. I explained I do wear heels for work, but on a day to day to the shops I would whip out the stilletoes and slap on a full face. I'm a single, full time working parent to a child under 5, I'm either in slacks or in work clothes. Anyway, he's made a couple of comments about wearing heels on a first date etc and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and finding it a bit much.
For context, my last relationship nearly 3 years ago was very abusive and controlling and I'm trying to recognise the signs without over analysing everything.
Just wondered what others thought?

OP posts:
Isanyholeagoal · 08/01/2022 19:08

Would be a straight up no from me, I don’t wear heels and certainly wouldn’t to try and impress someone, even less so if they requested it

layladomino · 08/01/2022 19:16

Well done for spotting the signs and well done for blocking. Believe your gut. His comments were pointing either at very controlling (even tells someone he hasn't met what to wear and assumes they'll end up in bed) or a fetish that he can't keep a lid on. Either way - why would you?!

inheritancetrack · 08/01/2022 19:19

Just block and delete. I think it's too much of a red flag that he's telling you what to wear.

inheritancetrack · 08/01/2022 19:20

Don't tell him why because next time he may not alert another woman to his weirdness

OhLordyWhatNow · 08/01/2022 19:23

@Shyla867

I just wonder if I'm ever going to be ready to date again. My last relationship was so horrific, I wish i could've recognised the red flags then. I'm glad I went with my gut, I'm not having a man tell me what to wear, ever.
Don't second guess yourself, you've obviously learnt from your previous experience. Your instincts were right this time.

Well done for recognising the signs and acting on it.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 08/01/2022 19:26

I'd tell him straight, I'm not interested in a bloke who has never even met me and already thinks he can tell me what to wear and how to behave in the bedroom! No, ta.

Original poster
Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 19:29

I just think, if I want to wear heels.. I'll wear heels, for me.. Nobody else.

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 08/01/2022 19:32

I would purposefully not wear heels and engage his reaction, then you’ll always trust your instinct.

Pat123dev · 08/01/2022 19:33

If he makes you feel uncomfortable- it's not for you. Leave it and move on

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 08/01/2022 19:34

I do think in a ltr asking for specifics can be OK!! But if dh had mentioned my low degree turn out back then I would have blocked him!
Well done op. Ime it is difficult after a shit relationship to pick a good egg!

Original poster
Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 19:36

I think had he said he likes when women wear heels and left it there then it's my choice whether I want to wear them or not. Saying as long as you wear them on the first date and in the bedroom.. It's not giving me a choice as anything other than that wouldn't be attractive to him. It's how I take it anyway.

OP posts:
PurpleRainlnTheSky · 08/01/2022 19:36

Ewww, what a twat. Who does he think he is, telling you what to wear?! Has he asked you if you can cook yet?

I am SO glad my dating days/looking for a man days are over. I used to meet men like this. Utter cunts. My current self would tell these arseholes to fuck off now. RUN @Shyla867

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 08/01/2022 19:38

@Shyla867

I think had he said he likes when women wear heels and left it there then it's my choice whether I want to wear them or not. Saying as long as you wear them on the first date and in the bedroom.. It's not giving me a choice as anything other than that wouldn't be attractive to him. It's how I take it anyway.
In the bedroom? Confused He's hoping isn't he?! Hmm
Original poster
Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 19:39

Do all men off OLD just try and steer the conversation towards sexHmm.. I'm so out of touch.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 08/01/2022 19:42

High heels, ugh. He sounds like such a creep. Such a superficial thing for him to say. I would steer clear of any man who mentions clothes, shoes, or anything to do with appearance - that is if you are looking for a deep relationship. He sounds like such a twat.

CousinKrispy · 08/01/2022 19:43

Not every single one, but lots of them. Just keep blocking the ones who do, there are some nice normal men out there.

Original poster
Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 19:45

I got turned off as soon as he said about heels and the first date.. I couldn't get past that.

OP posts:
PurpleRainlnTheSky · 08/01/2022 19:45

@Shyla867

Do all men off OLD just try and steer the conversation towards sexHmm.. I'm so out of touch.
If what I have read on here, and other forums, and in real life are anything to go by yes. Most men on OLD just want a shag.

Sorry Flowers I'm sure you'll meet someone you deserve soon, someone decent. But it's unlikely to be on OLD.

As I said, I am really so pleased that I am not looking for a man, and having to go through this shite.

lomoloko · 08/01/2022 19:50

Some do, Shyla, because some women are on there to hookup and they are looking for those women. That's fine, IMO!

And it'sTOTALLY ok if you're not up for that -- just be really clear and honest about what you're looking for. Everyone is all on there together in a big jumble so you really really must be super clear and up front about what you want and quickly exit any conversation that doesn't work for you, for any reason.

I know that can feel hard to do/say and we're trained not to do it as women, but it's the only way you can find the right person using this interface.

Suzanne999 · 08/01/2022 20:14

@Shyla867

I just wonder if I'm ever going to be ready to date again. My last relationship was so horrific, I wish i could've recognised the red flags then. I'm glad I went with my gut, I'm not having a man tell me what to wear, ever.
You will. Your gut instinct told you this man was wrong, so just wait til your gut instinct tells you one is right.
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/01/2022 20:39

Well done. A man who is telling you what to wear before you’ve met is definitely not worth your time. Don’t be scared to throw others back if they are so up front about sex, unless you’re looking for ons.

doitwithlove · 08/01/2022 20:57

He would get a block from me the cheeky git, stating what footwear he prefers. Bet he is giving a few woman the same line.

Original poster
Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 21:17

I feel much better now I've blocked him.

OP posts:
lightnesspixie · 08/01/2022 21:19

Red flag. Ditch off. You call the shots you decide what you want to wear hate controlling men

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 08/01/2022 21:39

You've done great, recognised behaviour that breaches your personal boundaries and put a stop to it decisively Wine

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