Fetish behaviour or potential red flags?

[Shyla867]

Have been chatting to a man from OLD. He's very good looking, seems down to earth and we have similar interests and outlooks on life. All fine. We swapped numbers and he put his profile on private and explained he does this when messaging a woman and if it doesn't work out he'll go back on the app, all fine.. I think that's respectful and felt compelled to do the same.
He mentioned he likes curvy women, size 12 +.. I'm a size 12. I made a joke about how I'm not elegant and I'm clumsy etc, he said as long as I can wear heels it's cool. I explained I do wear heels for work, but on a day to day to the shops I would whip out the stilletoes and slap on a full face. I'm a single, full time working parent to a child under 5, I'm either in slacks or in work clothes. Anyway, he's made a couple of comments about wearing heels on a first date etc and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and finding it a bit much.
For context, my last relationship nearly 3 years ago was very abusive and controlling and I'm trying to recognise the signs without over analysing everything.
Just wondered what others thought?

Cross post. Good for you, yes to blocking him. Doubtless if you told him why he would say he didn't mean anything by it, youre overreacting. Perhaps he didn't mean any harm but you don't want someone starting off by telling you what to wear.

There's something deeply off-putting about a man who imposes his preferences without even meeting you. It's dehumanising. It's not about you, it's all about them.

Human sexuality is about smell and feel and proximity. If someone is already thinking about heels in bed before they know if they are attracted to you, they're just servicing their fantasies.

Yuk.

Good for you not arsing around. Bad feeling = block. Just come back if you want to run another young man past us. We'll get our clipboards and questionnaires out

Put your trainers on and run! Okay, he might fancy women in heels. Why wouldn’t he wait to see what you were like and then make a decision? He’s dictating to you and assuming there will be sex, too. Tell him you’re attracted to men who don’t objectify women and block.

It would put me off. He’s obviously got a thing for heels, which is fine. It’s fine to ask if you wear them. I don’t think it’s fine to request them on a date. He’s meetIng you as a person, it’s a date not a hookup.

I would just respond back and say that you don’t think it will work as you wear what you want and not what someone thinks you should— also any bloke steering conversations to anything sexual when you have never met would get a total thumbs down from me. Thing is OP if he’s very good looking he may well get lots who don’t have strong boundaries / don’t mind obliging a good looking chap and go along with it — so he feels confident asking it.

Urgh. Block him.

He's blocked
Glad I made this thread and asked the views of others. I don't want anyone to make me feel like that, I felt he had the potential to be very controlling

Blocked his number and blocked him on the app. Hopefully he doesn't find me again. He doesn't know where i live or any personal details of me.

@Shyla867

He's blocked Glad I made this thread and asked the views of others. I don't want anyone to make me feel like that, I felt he had the potential to be very controlling

You have done the right thing. I bet if you went on as a different account he would say exactly the same things. All that rubbish is a script he spouts.

I think I just need to work on not allowing anyone to make me feel that way, I didn't need to put my profile on private just because he did.

You should throw this one back. It's up to you if you want to tell him why or just block, you don't need to worry about his feelings TBH.

Also, don't worry about being called a prude, or vanilla, or any other insult that these porn-soaked men and their apologists call you. You are allowed any boundaries you like without feeling bad about it.

Yeah he sounds like a Nice Guy™️ who would have gone off like a grenade at rejection, I think you've done the right thing in blocking him.

Well done OP. I would definitely have felt and done the same.

That would really, really, really piss me off. He hasn’t even met you yet and he’s telling you what he wants you to wear. 🙄
It might be he’s just a bit clueless and you can tell him and he’ll realise. Or he’s worked out you’re insecure and wants to shape you a bit.
I’d be honest tbh and tell him you find it annoying. Please be confident in yourself.

Just seen your update. Good on you!

Also, don't worry about being called a prude, or vanilla, or any other insult that these porn-soaked men and their apologists call you. You are allowed any boundaries you like without feeling bad about it.

Thing is, I'm on the ONS thread saying great, have ONS if you want. I have in the past. You can have sex with heels on if it floats your boat, all good. But there isn't anything sexy to me about a man I haven't met. I know in the first ten seconds, but not without meeting. How someone moves and smells is important.

@Shyla867

I think I just need to work on not allowing anyone to make me feel that way, I didn't need to put my profile on private just because he did.

Feel positive, you didn't allow him to take liberties with you and you got rid. Believe in your worth, and that doesn't include scumbags that make you question yourself or make you feel bad.

Being called a prude means you’ve pissed him off because you’ve shown you’re in control ;) actually shows more confidence.

Sounds a bit sweaty and frotty. I'd bin this. You're unlikely to be giving up the great love of your life so fair enough to leave him be.

Sorry, missed the update. Well done OP 👍

I just wonder if I'm ever going to be ready to date again. My last relationship was so horrific, I wish i could've recognised the red flags then. I'm glad I went with my gut, I'm not having a man tell me what to wear, ever.

Ugh awful

My ex started off like this

The heels
Then insisting on nail varnish

Then - insisting I wore dresses and heels daily

He then wanted to take me shopping and suggested white dress and white heels for all dates

Absolute freak of nature

When I think of him I get shivers down my spine

I think you've made it clear to him that you are an average woman.

He's mentioned heels a few times, slightly greater than average I would say, so I would say he's letting you know from the get-go what his expectations are. Either he has a fetish or he might be one of those men who want a woman who is highly groomed, to the point that your comfort doesn't matter. Anything else will be categorised as 'letting yourself go'.

Bin.

Sounds like he totally sexualises women. I wouldnt meet him cos I dont like being treated like an object.

This was not intended to make any one laugh @Queenie6655 ......but nail varnish too?? WTF??