Fetish behaviour or potential red flags?

[Shyla867]

Have been chatting to a man from OLD. He's very good looking, seems down to earth and we have similar interests and outlooks on life. All fine. We swapped numbers and he put his profile on private and explained he does this when messaging a woman and if it doesn't work out he'll go back on the app, all fine.. I think that's respectful and felt compelled to do the same.
He mentioned he likes curvy women, size 12 +.. I'm a size 12. I made a joke about how I'm not elegant and I'm clumsy etc, he said as long as I can wear heels it's cool. I explained I do wear heels for work, but on a day to day to the shops I would whip out the stilletoes and slap on a full face. I'm a single, full time working parent to a child under 5, I'm either in slacks or in work clothes. Anyway, he's made a couple of comments about wearing heels on a first date etc and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and finding it a bit much.
For context, my last relationship nearly 3 years ago was very abusive and controlling and I'm trying to recognise the signs without over analysing everything.
Just wondered what others thought?

When he asked if I minded if he strangled me in bed … well, heels off and I was running!!
What the hell!!!! 😮😡

@notacooldad

Yep… it was completely out of the blue! I couldn’t get away quick enough. He’s blocked and I haven’t seen him around.
Freak

I don't know you but I'm sooooo proud of you!

OLD is difficult and brutal. Ans you did the absolutely right thing in deleting him.

Have your standards high. Don't #BeKind

If anything or anyone makes you uncomfortable ... delete.

Remember there are far far far more men than women, on OLD, you don't need to "make do".

So many are just on for the sexting. And are probably catfish. Don't invest in anyone you haven't met.

You are brilliant! Keep it up!!

I haven't bothered with OLD in quite some time but I kind of had the opposite experience. I was chatting with a guy and we were supposed to meet up for the first time to see a movie. He basically told me NOT to get all dressed up with heels etc as he didn't like that. He then flaked and made an excuse as to why he couldn't make it.

I was already turned off by the telling me not to dress up. I had no intention of doing so anyway but no one should be telling the other person how they should or shouldn't dress. It is controlling.

Aww thank you :) that's nice.
I just went through my deleted items on my phone and saw his pics and it made me feel ill thinking about him and his heel fetish! deleted forever!

‘When I said I don't wear heels other than for work. He said as long as its on a first date and also in the bedroom, he's happy...’

This would be a no from me.

I know, it made me so uncomfortable.

You definitely did the right thing.
Insisting someone wears shoes that are uncomfortable and in some countries a symbol of sexism (Google the controversy in Japan over women forced to wear heels at work) is definitely a red flag.

What is it even with men that want women to wear heels/suspenders in bed. I assume I am not the only one who has a problem with this but men seem to think it’s just a bit of fun. Yuck.

You've done the right thing OP.
And your gut instinct was on track, which is great.
However I'm worried that online dating sites might not be a great place for you. You've come out of an abusive relationship, and you're looking for someone genuine. Sure there are some genuine nice guys on OLD - but they are vastly outnumbered by a$$holes. You will be wading through lies, innuendo, sex-talk, dick-pics, pressure for sex etc. OLD men can get angry, aggressive and stalkerish if they feel rejected by you. You've got to be REALLY street-smart, confident, with excellent boundaries to interpret people/messages properly, stay safe and navigate that world.

@Shyla867

I just wonder if I'm ever going to be ready to date again. My last relationship was so horrific, I wish i could've recognised the red flags then. I'm glad I went with my gut, I'm not having a man tell me what to wear, ever.

You will. In time. You already have so well done. I left a controlling narcissist husband ( eventually) and ended up in a rebound with another one. I recognised the signs so much earlier though and got rid swiftly and firmly. Listen to your gut. I promised myself to never ignore it again. I spent a very happy 2 years single and now have the most lovely man in my life. I looked for all the red flags and just couldn't find any. I never felt like I would trust again but I implicitly do. There's absolutely hope and you sound like a lovely person. Strengthen those boundaries and put yourself first xx

When I said I don't wear heels other than for work. He said as long as its on a first date and also in the bedroom, he's happy...

Fucksake what an arrogant prick.
Who says you're going to the bedroom with him?
Let alone in the heels he's mentioned 3 times.

Yeah, block without a moment's hesitation.
No need to explain - just lose the objectifying twat.

And please - as per PP's advice - go & do The Freedom Programme.
It'll set you up for navigating the horrors of OLD, & any future relationship.

@PurpleSproutingSomething

I had the heels thing a few times on online dating. I'd tell them I'd wear heels if they did.

I also had men offering to take me lingerie shopping, I told them I only wore big pants from M&S so it shouldn't take long.

Most recently I had one bloke ask me if he could take me shopping, I told him I did actually need to do a big shop in Tesco so his help getting the shopping home would be much appreciated.

I let them reply in confusion and then blocked.

Good responses.

I've had exactly the same with the heels. Also had a guy ask me to wear a thong and one asked for leather. The number of guys that stress they are looking for 'non vanilla' is so high.

I took the decision and deactivated my profile on POF last night, so many entitled men, so many men who just don't understand the word no, so many horrible, unattractive and arrogant men.
Not the place for me.