Fetish behaviour or potential red flags?

[Shyla867]

Have been chatting to a man from OLD. He's very good looking, seems down to earth and we have similar interests and outlooks on life. All fine. We swapped numbers and he put his profile on private and explained he does this when messaging a woman and if it doesn't work out he'll go back on the app, all fine.. I think that's respectful and felt compelled to do the same.
He mentioned he likes curvy women, size 12 +.. I'm a size 12. I made a joke about how I'm not elegant and I'm clumsy etc, he said as long as I can wear heels it's cool. I explained I do wear heels for work, but on a day to day to the shops I would whip out the stilletoes and slap on a full face. I'm a single, full time working parent to a child under 5, I'm either in slacks or in work clothes. Anyway, he's made a couple of comments about wearing heels on a first date etc and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and finding it a bit much.
For context, my last relationship nearly 3 years ago was very abusive and controlling and I'm trying to recognise the signs without over analysing everything.
Just wondered what others thought?

I think it's rather weird. One of my exes was addicted to porn and had a heel fetish.

Yuk. Run

He is a creep. OP.

Because he is not trying to know you first as a person first, he is simply looking for someone to fulfil a specific fetish.

You have not even met him yet in person and he is only focusing on sexual topics. This is inappropriate at this stage.

At least this gave you a chance to spot the perv early and to avoid wasting further time on him.

I don't think there is anything wrong about a fetish but there is a time and a place to discuss them and it is OK to simply look at someone as an object to fulfil your fantasy.

I had one like that. We arranged a first date and he started to say, can’t wait to see you in your sexy heels. Then it progressed to, can’t wait to see you in your sexy heels and a thong .

I had no intention of meeting him in heels so I called it off. I had a six year relationship in the meantime and went back online recently and he was still there with the same photo!

Definitely agree with the objectification. I felt like that as soon as he said it.

Please don't be distracted by his good looks, it's what he relies on. He sounds like a complete prick.

Vomiting.
I agree you do not want to get involved with this bloke,who has already shown you where his mind is at. He has little respect.
Keep him blocked, there's a good reason to forget him and have fun chatting to others.

Yuck. He barely know you and is telling you how to dress. You're no more than a glorified sex doll to him - probably one with incovenient opinions, too.

99.9% of guys on online dating will try to swerve conversation into sex pretty much immediately, just ditch em.
I've had five LTRs through online dating, not a single one of them made me feel uncomfortable at any point in our conversations before meeting.

Lace your Doc martens up and give hime the boot. Massive red flag.

@TheBareTree

Run. Just run.

This, really fast 🏃‍♀️

All the best op

He just wants sex, if you are ok with that go for it otherwise block.

Anyone who turns it sexual before you've met I feel should be an instant no from you, don't bother meeting someone like that. It doesn't sound like FWB or a ONS is what you are after or need out of life, but this is what he will be after.
Consider why you haven't spotted this, learn from it, otherwise you could so easily end up in another controlling situation. If a relationship is what you desire, then think of what kind of timeline you feel comfortable with, have your own pace of progression and stick to it. Anyone pushing for too much too soon should be binned off, it's a way to weed out the chaff, this one is clearly chaff.
Don't consider what you think they may expect of you, their expectations are irrelevant, it's what you want that matters, and that does not change with fashion or time.

@Suzi888

He just wants sex, if you are ok with that go for it otherwise block.

I'd argue that he'd be no good for that either. At least a man who was halfway competent would be interested in her fantasies and kinks. High heels in bed has got to be the most thing ever. Oooooo slightly uncomfortable shoes, how erotic.

Oh no, you're instinctively questioning how genuine this man is. You can meet someone who will respect and care for you. Its not this guy. I've been in abusive relationships too and at the time I saw all the red flags but buried it. I'm in a very happy marriage and have been for 15+ yrs. You can find a good guy.

Must be awful to have to use on line dating stuff, when it can throw up some weirdy men.. You never know who is out there, depite what they divulge on profiles or chat.

I had the heels thing a few times on online dating. I'd tell them I'd wear heels if they did.

I also had men offering to take me lingerie shopping, I told them I only wore big pants from M&S so it shouldn't take long.

Most recently I had one bloke ask me if he could take me shopping, I told him I did actually need to do a big shop in Tesco so his help getting the shopping home would be much appreciated.

I let them reply in confusion and then blocked.

Reminds me of a first date when he said 'don't wear heels, because we'll be doing a fair bit of walking' (posh town on an evening ) Turned out he'd lied about his height and had I have worn heels I'd have overshadowed him - I'm 5'3

Well done for blocking OP - definitely the right thing to do here - mentions of sex before even meeting is just eww

Well if you like wearing heels then its not a problem, but if you dont, then i wouldnt even bother meeting a man with a thing for high heels. I can barely stand up in stilettos let alone walk so wouldnt work for me. I wouldnt like the expectation to dress glam. Ask him if heels are his thing then? Maybe guage it a bit better.

Sounds like a Graham I met while doing OLD 😂 and another one called "Blue Eyes " 😂

Ex was like this and turned out to be very controlling

He is blowing himself up to be 50 Shades of Grey. OMG. Give him a very wide berth.

I have done OLD at I remember being sent 20 questions to answer, one of the least offensive was do I wear stockings.

You have someone here who is a Walter Mitty. Give him the big heave ho.

I had a few dates with a guy who tried to ban me from wearing heels - he was only about 5ft 4. I made sure I always wore my heels when we went out…
When he asked if I minded if he strangled me in bed … well, heels off and I was running!!

Not a chance would I see him again!
I had one of them when I was younger. I felt that I was always on display. Awful.