Would you date someone with herpes?

[LosingTheWill2]

So I recently posted about how worried I was about kissing a new man. Turns out that isn’t the only thing I am now worried about.

Back story: met online dating. Messaged. Met. Spoken on the phone. Second date arranged. Really nice guy who I can see myself in a relationship with. Own house, car, career, grown up kids, great sense of humour, intelligent, no red flags and just enjoying the journey so far.

Then the bomb shell. His last partner infected him with genital herpes! He told me, in his words, because he really likes me and wanted me to know sooner rather than later. I completely understand why he told me, there is no point in us developing a relationship if this is going to cause upset later down the line.
I really appreciate his honesty, how would I really have known if he hadn’t told me?
I’ve done my own research and am weighing up all of the options. I just want to know if anyone else has been in the same situation?

Why were you worried about kissing him?
Are you both happy to use condoms forevermore and him never receive oral sex?

No.

Yes, I would.

No.

Yes I would. He will only be infectious during an outbreak and you'll probably find that outbreaks get fewer, less severe and further apart as time goes by.

Given how up front he has been about it, I probably would. He sounds like the sort of guy who would be fastidious and careful to warn you if any symptoms were flaring up or were likely to (e.g. because he was feeling run down).

What type of herpes, one is the cold sore type and one is the lifelong genital herpes type?
It definitely depends as yes to one and no to the other.

Oh sorry you do say, sadly it'd be a no.

Yes. I have a couple of friends who have it (including one who caught it in childhood) so I know it can be managed perfectly well and the risk of infecting partners minimised. It isn’t leprosy, and all the stigma around it does is discourage people who have the virus from telling new partners, which just increases spread.

Absolutely I would.

So so so many people have herpes, many who know, and many who don't. The good thing is that those who know can reduce the likelihood of transmission by avoiding sex when shedding/having an out break. Those who don't know, can't do this.

Yes I’m the same! I got a surprise diagnosis a few years back 😓
If I ever have sex again il take the supressents

It’s very common and loads of people have it
Some people don’t even know they have it

If he is special I’d not Chuck him for this

@AdventureCode

What type of herpes, one is the cold sore type and one is the lifelong genital herpes type? It definitely depends as yes to one and no to the other.

You do realise that you can get the cold sore type on your genitals too? They are basically the same virus but presenting on a different part of the body. Cold sore type is also a lifelong infection

No way. I would not. Imagine no oral and the constant worry of catching it. Once you get infected, its with you, forever. You'd have to tell all your future partners about it, if you caught it.

My niece caught it from oral sex in her late teens. Sounds like the initial outbreak was horrific for her. She has had a couple of boyfriends since so hopefully she doesn't feel too much of a stigma about it

If you are both serious on next steps - go to a GP and have a full STD/ HIV health check up.

Use full protection if you decide to cross that threshold. Then discuss risks/ complications and safe zones.

16 people have posted on this thread.
On average, 4 of those people will have it.

When you read about how the signal around herpes was created deliberately to market anti virals, it's actually quite scandalous.

Yes OP, and there's a chance you might have it yourself anyway!

Stigma not signal ffs

I don’t think it would passed on so much if you can only catch it during an outbreak, what if someone is having one and they don’t realise? Then that’s it you have it.

My sister has it and it’s definitely put guys off her, it is so bad that she’s been considering not telling until till they are serious so they don’t just end it but I told her that is wrong.

Apparently around 70% of people carry the herpes type 1 virus that causes cold sores but can also be passed to the genital area.

10% have the herpes type 2 that is the genital herpes type.

Yes I would. For all you know you are already a carrier of the virus.

I have it. I think he was brave to tell you.
If I ever have another relationship, that's the part I'm dreading.

@MrsHGWells

If you are both serious on next steps - go to a GP and have a full STD/ HIV health check up.

Use full protection if you decide to cross that threshold. Then discuss risks/ complications and safe zones.

Wildly optimistic there. My GP has been prescribing me antivirals over the last several months (for non-genital sited rash). They say they can diagnose if I come in when the blisters are present - that would be same/next day face to face appointment!

Can’t get one of those even with moderate and disabling pain. I tried before Omicron was a thing.

Half the population has it 🤷‍♀️

@Ionlydomassiveones

Loads of people have it. It’s not really a big deal.

And loads of people don’t.

Bin him, op.