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Original poster

Would you date someone with herpes?

119 replies

LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 17:43

So I recently posted about how worried I was about kissing a new man. Turns out that isn’t the only thing I am now worried about.

Back story: met online dating. Messaged. Met. Spoken on the phone. Second date arranged. Really nice guy who I can see myself in a relationship with. Own house, car, career, grown up kids, great sense of humour, intelligent, no red flags and just enjoying the journey so far.

Then the bomb shell. His last partner infected him with genital herpes! He told me, in his words, because he really likes me and wanted me to know sooner rather than later. I completely understand why he told me, there is no point in us developing a relationship if this is going to cause upset later down the line.
I really appreciate his honesty, how would I really have known if he hadn’t told me?
I’ve done my own research and am weighing up all of the options. I just want to know if anyone else has been in the same situation?

OP posts:
HacerSonarSusPasos · 08/01/2022 18:24

I noped out of a similar situation. He'd have to be freaking awesome for me to overlook the risk of catching it

Anonawoman · 08/01/2022 18:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

RedCandyApple · 08/01/2022 18:26

But it’s different for everyone my sister has regular out breaks like every 6 months

Dearblossom · 08/01/2022 18:28

@girlmom21

Why were you worried about kissing him? Are you both happy to use condoms forevermore and him never receive oral sex?
excuse me but, bollocks

been sucking MrBlossoms for years without a worry

would you date a man who got cold sores in his teens but never after?
some people don't get further / lifelong outbreaks

he sounds like a good guy, date him

girlmom21 · 08/01/2022 18:28

@Dearblossom that's great for you - but OP clearly is uncomfortable with the idea...

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2022 18:29

No, I’d rather not.

Pudmyboy · 08/01/2022 18:30

@Silvercockles

16 people have posted on this thread. On average, 4 of those people will have it.

When you read about how the signal around herpes was created deliberately to market anti virals, it's actually quite scandalous.

Yes OP, and there's a chance you might have it yourself anyway!

This. It is a virus, not the plague, symptoms last a few days, if you/ he are one of the few who get multiple outbreaks you can have a course of suppressive medication for a time but the meds only do what your body will do naturally ie keep the virus suppressed. We carry many viruses 'for life' and herpes was not considered a big deal till antivirals were developed and a market was needed.
RedCandyApple · 08/01/2022 18:30

And some people get them frequently so how would you know 🤷‍♀️

CoastalWave · 08/01/2022 18:34

I hate the stigma around this.

Happily married for over 10 years. I have it. DH has not caught it.

I think the fact he told you tells you he's a nice guy - respectful. There's no way I couldn't have told DH as what other excuse would I use to avoid him when I'm having a flare?!

It really really isn't the big deal everyone makes it out to be. If he's respectful enough to tell you, he's going to know when he's about to have a flare and will avoid sex. It really is THAT easy.

I'd actually look at this as a positive. IT would tell me a lot about you as a person as to how you respond.

dancemom · 08/01/2022 18:34

It's a virus. All those saying no have no idea if their sexual partners have it and don't know or even know and just don't tell anyone.

He might never have another outbreak after his initial one.

Anyone sexually actively could catch it or even have it without knowing.

PollyRae16 · 08/01/2022 18:34

I have it and have had max 3 outbreaks in the last 5 years. I can always tell when it's about to happen and avoid any sexual contact.
It really is highly stigmatised and can be managed quite easily.
Like others said a very high percentage of people carry the virus and never show symptoms so for all you know you could already carry the virus yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think it's good he's been so open and honest with you.

Buildingthefuture · 08/01/2022 18:39

Frankly, I’d be happy that he’s been honest about it so early on (here on MN is seems an honest man is a rare find!) and it must have taken a bit of courage for him to tell you. From what I know of it (how common etc, possibility of transmission) then yes, I would date him.

Dearblossom · 08/01/2022 18:44

[quote girlmom21]@Dearblossom that's great for you - but OP clearly is uncomfortable with the idea... [/quote]
Well I hope with some of the other more sane replies here she feels less uncomfortable and more able to judge the man for his honesty and educate herself how they can still enjoy a full sexy no condom lip smacking oral sex life! Wink

sunnyzweibrucken · 08/01/2022 18:47

I have it. But I must admit if I didn’t have it I would only seriously date some that had it if I knew they were “the one”. I wouldn’t if it wasn’t some I wasn’t crazy about and didn’t see a future with.

Original poster
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 19:04

Thank you all for your replies.

I don’t want to pass on a good man when, from the limited research I have done so far, it is not that easily transmitted when all the necessary precautions are taken.
He has said that he had blisters a short time after he split with this woman. It was treated and he has had no reoccurrence.
I do need to get more information from him. How long ago was it, and more importantly to me, where on his ‘person’ it was located. I would be less worried if it was somewhere that was fully covered by a condom.
I understand that it is mainly infectious when a flare up is happening, but I would have to be able to trust him enough to put my sexual health in his hands. The fact he has been so honest makes me more inclined to believe that he can be trusted.
I do suffer from cold sores. I have only been intimate with one man in 2 decades, and I have had to be careful about cold sore flare ups and my stbxh never caught cold sores from me.

OP posts:
Dearblossom · 08/01/2022 19:24

@LosingTheWill2

Thank you all for your replies.

I don’t want to pass on a good man when, from the limited research I have done so far, it is not that easily transmitted when all the necessary precautions are taken.
He has said that he had blisters a short time after he split with this woman. It was treated and he has had no reoccurrence.
I do need to get more information from him. How long ago was it, and more importantly to me, where on his ‘person’ it was located. I would be less worried if it was somewhere that was fully covered by a condom.
I understand that it is mainly infectious when a flare up is happening, but I would have to be able to trust him enough to put my sexual health in his hands. The fact he has been so honest makes me more inclined to believe that he can be trusted.
I do suffer from cold sores. I have only been intimate with one man in 2 decades, and I have had to be careful about cold sore flare ups and my stbxh never caught cold sores from me.

It would be such a sad thing if what could be a truly wonderful couple didn't get together because of the judgement and ill informed advice here surrounding a little blister.

Mr Blossom takes extra vit c when he has a cold or run down and is convinced it's helped. We have a jolly lovely time Wink

I'm excited for your next dates, updates now required! I feel invested Grin

mcmooberry · 08/01/2022 19:30

I not only would date him, I would marry him and have 3 children with him - which I did.
I caught it early on, had antivirals and have never had it again in over 12 years.

EarthSight · 08/01/2022 19:35

@LaurieFairyCake

Half the population has it 🤷‍♀️
Half of the population does not have genital herpes. Don't spread such utterly daft things.

Genital herpes is caused by HSV-2 which is a different strain to HSV-1 which usually causes cold sores.

EarthSight · 08/01/2022 19:38

@dementedpixie

Apparently around 70% of people carry the herpes type 1 virus that causes cold sores but can also be passed to the genital area.

10% have the herpes type 2 that is the genital herpes type.

It can be but you would be extremely unlikely to get it unless someone gave you oral and they had a cold sore at the time, or the beginnings of one maybe.
FindingMeno · 08/01/2022 19:40

I feel awful saying this as he's been decent and upfront, but unless he was clearly my soul mate, then no.

Strangeways19 · 08/01/2022 19:41

Yes definitely I don't think it's a big deal & there are worst viruses for sure

Silvercockles · 08/01/2022 19:42

where on his ‘person’ it was located. I would be less worried if it was somewhere that was fully covered by a condom
To prepare you, I think this would be unusual.

I do suffer from cold sores. I have only been intimate with one man in 2 decades, and I have had to be careful about cold sore flare ups and my stbxh never caught cold sores from me.
As I'm sure you realise, it's the same virus. Does he know if he has simplex 1 or 2? If 1, you have the same virus as him!
If not - you also need to consider the risk of transferring your herpes virus to him through oral sex or kissing. Same difference. Just without the stigma.

Also worth considering, in the dating game at a "ahem" slightly more mature age, the chances of you encountering someone with it is relatively higher than when you were late teens/early 20s. Many people just won't know or won't be as honest as this chap. So you could throw him back, meet someone else, and be exposed anyway.

He sounds like a nice man OP.

oopsyoudiditagain · 08/01/2022 19:52

Well, as an asexual who doesn’t want to have sex, yeah I guess I would.

But that probably doesn’t help you.

If I was forced to have sex, then no.

CousinKrispy · 08/01/2022 20:01

Many of us have it without having active outbreaks for years on end. Some people are unlucky, of course, but even if you catch it, it can be very mild.

Please check the Herpes Society website for the facts, there's some misinformation on this thread.

You have a perfect right to make your own decision about this. Personally I think the person is more important than whether or not they have a very minor health condition that they may or may not pass to me, and that's what I count on my partner thinkingSmile

Original poster
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 21:18

I am going to ask him if it the virus 1 or 2. In fact at this point I am more concerned that he wouldn’t want to date me. I am a social smoker, which I know is disgusting. Not something I’m proud of. Not something I do
Daily or when I am out. Only when I am having a drink by myself in my garden, only my close friends know. I have messaged him to let him know, as we are being honest. Let’s see what he says

OP posts: