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Original poster

Would you date someone with herpes?

119 replies

LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 17:43

So I recently posted about how worried I was about kissing a new man. Turns out that isn’t the only thing I am now worried about.

Back story: met online dating. Messaged. Met. Spoken on the phone. Second date arranged. Really nice guy who I can see myself in a relationship with. Own house, car, career, grown up kids, great sense of humour, intelligent, no red flags and just enjoying the journey so far.

Then the bomb shell. His last partner infected him with genital herpes! He told me, in his words, because he really likes me and wanted me to know sooner rather than later. I completely understand why he told me, there is no point in us developing a relationship if this is going to cause upset later down the line.
I really appreciate his honesty, how would I really have known if he hadn’t told me?
I’ve done my own research and am weighing up all of the options. I just want to know if anyone else has been in the same situation?

OP posts:
over50andfab · 08/01/2022 21:20

His last partner infected him with genital herpes!

How about “he contracted genital herpes from a previous relationship.”. This helps reduce the stigma that can be attached to this or any other virus. Some people will automatically say no through fear of the unknown and not knowing the facts.

I have 2 friends who’ve contracted genital herpes. Both partners didn’t know they had it and it hasn’t prevented them from going on to have fantastic relationships and children.

Regarding getting tested for all STIs you can get free postal tests which are easy to do and for any symptoms an appointment at a sexual health (GUM) clinic can be made.

Hope you have a really fulfilling relationship with this man OP

user1363157897422457887532356 · 08/01/2022 21:29

An STI test can only detect herpes during a flare, so that isn't actually that helpful.

As for "it's only a virus" , well so are HIV and Ebola. Not sure why that would be reassuring. At least if you get the plague you can be cured with antibiotics.

scorpiogirly · 08/01/2022 21:30

@CovidCurious

Given how up front he has been about it, I probably would. He sounds like the sort of guy who would be fastidious and careful to warn you if any symptoms were flaring up or were likely to (e.g. because he was feeling run down).
Agree with this 100%
shas19 · 08/01/2022 21:38

I have it, caught it from an ex. Its honestly not a big deal, it's just cold sores. Half the population have it and most people don't actually have any symptoms but are carriers. First outbreak was horrible but mild then after and vary rarely unless I'm severely run down. There should be no stigma at all

RachAnneKirl90 · 08/01/2022 21:42

NO chance.

I don't have genital herpes.
I contracted Herpes Zoster 30 years ago when I was a young person. I did have chicken pox as a child so that is probably where it manifested from. I have had over 80 outbreaks on my face and body.

My mother contracted Herpes which was only "cold sores" for many years, then moved onto the rest of her face and then into her eye, and it has permanently damaged her right eye.
This collection of viruses - anything "Herpes" - you do not want to have. They never leave the body. It is agony.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/01/2022 21:58

@user1363157897422457887532356

An STI test can only detect herpes during a flare, so that isn't actually that helpful.

As for "it's only a virus" , well so are HIV and Ebola. Not sure why that would be reassuring. At least if you get the plague you can be cured with antibiotics.

HIV wouldn’t necessarily put me off somebody either - not nowadays, when treatment means it can be undetectable and untransmissable.

Ebola I’d probably have to think about for a bit, granted, but I doubt they’d be much up for sex initially so I’d have a bit of consideration time.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2022 22:00

@shas19

I have it, caught it from an ex. Its honestly not a big deal, it's just cold sores. Half the population have it and most people don't actually have any symptoms but are carriers. First outbreak was horrible but mild then after and vary rarely unless I'm severely run down. There should be no stigma at all
Um what? It’s about 11 percent of the population have genital herpes, ninety percent do not.
user1363157897422457887532356 · 08/01/2022 22:01

Ebola I’d probably have to think about for a bit, granted, but I doubt they’d be much up for sex initially so I’d have a bit of consideration time.

Grin fair enough.

Cas112 · 08/01/2022 22:02

Yes it's well more common that most people realise

shetlandskies · 08/01/2022 22:04

Yes.

Original poster
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 22:06

@user1363157897422457887532356 wow, just wow!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 22:09

@over50andfab absolutely, the language used is so important. I only say that he was infected by a previous partner because he believes she knew she had it. You are right, he contracted it from a previous partner

OP posts:
pennysays · 08/01/2022 22:10

It’s so common. Three people I know well are in marriages where one of the partners has herpes. It’s not a big deal and easily managed with suppressants and timing. I think it’s very cool he has been upfront with you and bodes well.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2022 22:12

Well of course he contracted it from a previous partner, every one has contracted it from a previous partner. The thing is do you think this is the real deal and if not are you ok with having herpes for the rest of your life and explaining to every single partner you have that you’ve got genital herpes. Because you will likely get it.

Original poster
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 22:16

@ComtesseDeSpair, I would have been less likely to freak out if it had been hiv because I know it is practically I transmittable due to modern drugs/antivirals.

OP posts:
Original poster
LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 22:17

*untransmittable

OP posts:
Whatabambam · 08/01/2022 22:22

I know some one who is infected and struggles with multiple and painful outbreaks which interfere with her urinary tract. Not only does she suffer with the pain of the outbreak, she also suffers symptoms which are flu like. It absolutely ruined her self esteem as well. It's not something that you enter into lightly and the risks of infection are really high

musicalfrog · 08/01/2022 22:26

My lovely friend has this condition and it breaks my heart to think of potential suitors discarding her because of it Sad

surreymum89 · 08/01/2022 22:28

I heard that a big percentage of people that have it don't know they do have it , so the next person you meet could have genital herpes and just not know and could have an outbreak at some point anyway , I would assume actually that someone that's said they have it like he has is actually less of a risk than someone that doesn't know /or isn't telling you.

annlee3817 · 08/01/2022 22:30

I have type 1 genital herpes, thanks to an ex at uni not telling me he had one on his mouth, won't go into the rest of the detail. I've always been up front and honest with guys I've dated since then, I know when I'm having a flare up and avoid sex for 2-3 weeks. Pretty thankful that my DH wasn't phased by it. 13 years together and he's never caught it from me

CousinKrispy · 08/01/2022 22:30

Yes, unfortunately some people do have painful recurrences.

And some of us have no recurrences at all for decades, and only had a mild outbreak initially. Many infected people don't even know they have it, it is so mild for them.

OP may not want to run the risk--again, please check out herpes.org.uk to get some straightforward facts.

The herpes zoster mentioned above is presumably shingles which can certainly be very painful. It is not the same virus as herpes simplex, but of course they are in the same family, as are the viruses causing chickenpox and Epstein-Barr.

CheshireKitten123 · 08/01/2022 22:37

@CoastalWave

I hate the stigma around this.

Happily married for over 10 years. I have it. DH has not caught it.

I think the fact he told you tells you he's a nice guy - respectful. There's no way I couldn't have told DH as what other excuse would I use to avoid him when I'm having a flare?!

It really really isn't the big deal everyone makes it out to be. If he's respectful enough to tell you, he's going to know when he's about to have a flare and will avoid sex. It really is THAT easy.

I'd actually look at this as a positive. IT would tell me a lot about you as a person as to how you respond.

I have it. I had the original flare up but never had another one since - that was 30 years ago.

My DH doesn't have it.

Obviously I would avoid sex if I did have problems.

mswales · 08/01/2022 23:13

It's soooo common, should not be stigmatised. You can only pass it on during an outbreak. Crazy to write someone off based on this.

mswales · 08/01/2022 23:14

And massively agree with those saying the fact he's been honest about it early shows he's a good guy and so it should count in his favour not against him!

maddy68 · 08/01/2022 23:17

Also he can take anti virals on a daily basis that prevents him transmitting it to you anyway.

It's only the same as coldsores