Would you date someone with herpes?

[LosingTheWill2]

So I recently posted about how worried I was about kissing a new man. Turns out that isn’t the only thing I am now worried about.

Back story: met online dating. Messaged. Met. Spoken on the phone. Second date arranged. Really nice guy who I can see myself in a relationship with. Own house, car, career, grown up kids, great sense of humour, intelligent, no red flags and just enjoying the journey so far.

Then the bomb shell. His last partner infected him with genital herpes! He told me, in his words, because he really likes me and wanted me to know sooner rather than later. I completely understand why he told me, there is no point in us developing a relationship if this is going to cause upset later down the line.
I really appreciate his honesty, how would I really have known if he hadn’t told me?
I’ve done my own research and am weighing up all of the options. I just want to know if anyone else has been in the same situation?

And please don’t treat him like some kind of leper if you do continue to date him.

You can get rid of him

but

you can't get rid of Herpes.

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

You can get rid of him

but

you can't get rid of Herpes.

And the op already has herpes!

Oh.

Well, In that case i'll buy a hat..[embarrassed]

@StruggleStreet

You don’t need to worry about catching it from him OP, you already have it. Yours is on your face, his is on his genitals. Outbreaks generally present at the initial infection site. One isn’t somehow worse because it presents on a different part of the body. Hopefully he isn’t considering dumping you over your facial herpes as you’re considering dumping him over his.

Actually if they each have a different type they could pass the strain they have to each other.

@AdventureCode

What type of herpes, one is the cold sore type and one is the lifelong genital herpes type? It definitely depends as yes to one and no to the other.

Both are lifelong and are basically the same thing. You can get genital herpes from oral sex with someone with mouth herpes. They are different strains but interchangeable on those parts of the body.

OP might as well have asked whether she should date someone with cold sores.

In fact OP you're safer with someone who has herpes and has told you than playing russian roulette with everyone else, given many people don't disclose or even know they have it. At least this chap knows when to avoid having sex and knows about precautions.
Full disclosure - I don't have herpes, but I understand the basic biology and I am aghast at the misinformation floating around here alongside some sensible views. My husband gets cold sores however (which is herpes, basically). I've been married to him nearly 30 years and I am fine. As for how he was 'infected' - it was probably an elderly aunt kissing him as a babe. Where's the shame there?
There are some very uptight, judge and ill informed folk on here.

Yes I would. It’s Herpes not AIDS ffs, it’s the same virus as a bloody cold sore.

It can be managed and most people who have it manage to have perfectly normal relationships.

My ex h have it and it didn't negatively effect our relationship and I never caught it after 15 years, if barely had any impact. The only way it did effect us is that he didn't tell me until years into our relationship and now knowing him I'm not sure if he caught it before we were together or something he did in the relationship!

Good for him re his honesty. I would stay seeing him, he seems to be able to talk about it so likely would be open to your questions. He might be on suppression therapy. You can always contact your local sexual health clinic for advice if you are unsure about transmission.

I find the presence of a stonking great cold sore on their face to be a bigger turn off. Yuck.
So he could easily dump you for having herpes as easily as you could dump him for having herpes.

No.

Lots of people have it.

I have it...have only ever had one outbreak in my 20's and nothing since (am nearly 40 now)

My exh had it. Told me early on. Never infected me. Had 2 healthy children. Was with him for ten years and would just avoid contact when he had an outbreak. I'd forgotten about it until I saw this thread

I am going to continue seeing him. He has been so honest and is happy to answer any of my questions. Herpes isn’t picked up in the usual round of sti checks so I probably wouldn’t know if he, or any potential sexual partners had it unless they told me.
I am not going to treat him any differently, I would never want him to feel like I’m doing him a favour by dating him. I’m not exactly the best catch myself 😁
I’m going to see where the journey takes us, we might never get to the intimacy stage of our relationship, and I don’t know how I will feel if we do. Who knows, he might dump me before we get anywhere near there!

Thank You all for taking the time to post replies

That's lovely news @LosingTheWill2, and such a sensible decision too. Good luck!

@Starlia

I find the presence of a stonking great cold sore on their face to be a bigger turn off. Yuck. So he could easily dump you for having herpes as easily as you could dump him for having herpes.

You sound lovely 🙄

I've never had a cold sore but I imagine for people who get them, your comment would make them feel really shit and self conscious.

So well done for being that person.

I've never had a cold sore but I imagine for people who get them, your comment would make them feel really shit and self conscious

It does .

Though Compeed patches have been a revelation.

I have HSV-1 and it is not a problem. I contracted it via oral sex with a guy who had the start of a cold sore, but as he had a beard it wasn't obvious to me or him. I had a single outbreak of two small sores and have had nothing in the years since. The stigma is crazy. I forget I even have the virus in my body.

I think that it is nuts to dismiss a good person with all the characteristics you might be looking for because of what is a cold sore gone south. People don't even think to disclose oral cold sores, but when the exact same virus has been contracted genitally, people totally lose their shit.

70% of the population have HSV-1, though most are asymptomatic and therefore don't know. The OP could pass on this guy and date someone who doesn't know they have it and get it anyway. His honesty shows courage and respect for the OP. It is an easily manageable skin condition.

hva.org.uk is a source of accurate information.