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Original poster

Would you date someone with herpes?

119 replies

LosingTheWill2 · 08/01/2022 17:43

So I recently posted about how worried I was about kissing a new man. Turns out that isn’t the only thing I am now worried about.

Back story: met online dating. Messaged. Met. Spoken on the phone. Second date arranged. Really nice guy who I can see myself in a relationship with. Own house, car, career, grown up kids, great sense of humour, intelligent, no red flags and just enjoying the journey so far.

Then the bomb shell. His last partner infected him with genital herpes! He told me, in his words, because he really likes me and wanted me to know sooner rather than later. I completely understand why he told me, there is no point in us developing a relationship if this is going to cause upset later down the line.
I really appreciate his honesty, how would I really have known if he hadn’t told me?
I’ve done my own research and am weighing up all of the options. I just want to know if anyone else has been in the same situation?

OP posts:
Rocaille · 08/01/2022 23:21

No.

OutbackQueen · 08/01/2022 23:30

My DD aged 21 was diagnosed a as few months ago. HSV 1 not 2 so whoever said it can only be HSV 2 is incorrect. She was devastated initially because of the dreadful unfounded hysteria about the condition but has since calmed down. He sounds like a gem OP who really likes you and wants to be upfront. Give it a go, use condoms and trust him to tell you if he has an outbreak (and I think you can trust him because he’s been so honest already).

OutbackQueen · 08/01/2022 23:30

Yes @maddy68, cold sores down there!

jesuistot · 08/01/2022 23:40

@surreymum89

I heard that a big percentage of people that have it don't know they do have it , so the next person you meet could have genital herpes and just not know and could have an outbreak at some point anyway , I would assume actually that someone that's said they have it like he has is actually less of a risk than someone that doesn't know /or isn't telling you.
Exactly this, MOST people who have it do not know they have the virus. It is not tested for when you have a ‘full’ std check-up. So it’s not actually very easy to make the choice not to date someone with it.
jesuistot · 08/01/2022 23:42

And not only is it impossible to know whether your current or past partners carry the virus or not, most can’t confidently say themselves whether or not they have it.

Greenfields124 · 08/01/2022 23:43

He's been honest, yes I would carry on dating him.
I think this thread is pretty horrible.
I don't think the same thread would stay up for someone asking if they would date someone over other medical problems.

AfterSchoolWorry · 08/01/2022 23:54

Hell to the no

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 09/01/2022 00:04

No. I would not want that.

I'm not perfect but that's my choice.

pinkmink · 09/01/2022 00:24

I have Herpes type 1 on my genitals. So, it’s exactly the same virus as cold sores. Having sex with my is the same “risk” as kissing someone who gets cold sores.

I recommend you visit the herpes.org.uk website.

If you get cold sores, you really don’t need to worry about your partner having genital herpes. You may both have the same strain of the virus already. Even if you have different strains, my understanding is that having one strain inoculates you against the other - but do check this with herpes UK.

lynntheyresexswappers · 09/01/2022 00:27

I have been with dh 14 years, and last summer contracted them on my genital area, after testing it was the cold sore virus kind, which I wasn't aware until that day could appear on your genitalia.
They appeared after oral sex, the cold sore virus is so commonly spread via oral sex.
There's such a huge stigma it's ridiculous- no one bats an eye at a cold sore! In so many cases it's the very same virus, just on a different body part.

lynntheyresexswappers · 09/01/2022 00:29

@EarthSight that's exactly what happened to me. And it's not as unlikely as you'd think according to my GP

ABitOfAShitShow · 09/01/2022 00:35

Yep. For all the reasons already mentioned.

Wherearemymarbles · 09/01/2022 01:09

So heres the thing. How many people with oral herpes, aka cold sore, go to the gum clinic for swabs?
They just think bugger I’ve got a cold sore

So in reality no really knows what % of people with cold sores are hsv1 or 2

Sadly some people get many out breaks a year and others only several in a life time and there is no obvious reason why.

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 01:16

I hope everyone here has heard about Lysine, the amino acid supplement which really helps the body deal/minimise/prevent outbreaks of cold sore or herpes.

Solgar do an excellent 1,000mg tablet.
Take for a month and it will absolutely minimise reoccurrence.

Damnloginpopup · 09/01/2022 01:38

No, if I knew I didn't have it. You have it so yes. I have it so yes.

I have hsv2. I've had 15-20 outbreaks in the couple of years I've had it I guess - it seemed to be every 6-8 weeks. Always very irritating and uncomfortable if not down right painful. I am currently 5 months into anti viral suppressives, 2 a day, and gave had no outbreaks since (last was in July). My partner had no idea they had it, it took 3 years before I contracted it and they have still never had symptoms. I would suspect most, if not all, long term partners of positive people have it and are asymptomatic as is my partner.

It's not just stigma. I am seriously fucking angry* that I have a lifetime condition that potentially will infect others in the future if we break up. That hinders my future relationships. That hinders theirs.

*Not with my partner. They didn't know. And have no idea how long they've had it or from whom they contracted it

laternights · 09/01/2022 02:19

Yes, and I have done. I didn't catch it as he was very open and careful.

whitewashing · 09/01/2022 04:40

No.

HadaVerde · 09/01/2022 04:43

OP you said you get cold sores. So you too have herpes.

Find out if he has hsv1 or 2. If he has hsv1 then you have the same strain and there’s nothing to worry about.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/01/2022 04:47

You also have herpes though
So while it does matter whether he has type one or two you're assuming you have type one I guess? And you can pass it to him or anyone else as easily as he can pass it to you. I have type one on the genitals passed on through oral sex from my ex husband. It is incredibly common.
You could also ask if he takes antivirals? You can get them on repeat prescription very easily

neednotknow · 09/01/2022 05:32

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

You also have herpes though So while it does matter whether he has type one or two you're assuming you have type one I guess? And you can pass it to him or anyone else as easily as he can pass it to you. I have type one on the genitals passed on through oral sex from my ex husband. It is incredibly common. You could also ask if he takes antivirals? You can get them on repeat prescription very easily
Exactly, you literally have it yourself. You just have it in your mouth rather than the genitals but you could still pass it onto someone else through oral sex. (There are two types but you can get both types in the mouth or genitals.)

You didn't think to mention that you get cold sores to him but he was very upfront and more importantly, he is aware of how his health could affect yours and sought to communicate that with you. That's solid person in my opinion.

If you do date him, please don't act like you're doing him a favour by taking him on. You have the same virus.

Simonjt · 09/01/2022 05:42

@user1363157897422457887532356

An STI test can only detect herpes during a flare, so that isn't actually that helpful.

As for "it's only a virus" , well so are HIV and Ebola. Not sure why that would be reassuring. At least if you get the plague you can be cured with antibiotics.

HIV isn’t an issue, HIV patients cannot pass it on. As someone with Ebola would be shitting through the eye of a needle you’d be unlikely to be doing anything sexual until they were well again.
Veeveeoxox · 09/01/2022 05:49

I thought it was only Americans who were weird about Herpes ? They don't routinely test for it here it isn't included in STI checks lots of people are walking round with the virus and have no clue. A lot of the people here posting will be with someone who is asymptomatic .

Kitkatchunkyplease · 09/01/2022 06:01

Op has it too so seems like a no brainer?
Also likelihood is if he has had one outbreak and no more, that he has hsv1 on his genitals, which you presume you also have but orally...so.... That's probably it!

Those of you all saying 'bin him' - I imagine many of you have it and don't even know. 70% of people will have caught HSV1/2 by the age of 25. But only very few will have any symptoms and get a diagnosis.

StruggleStreet · 09/01/2022 06:14

You don’t need to worry about catching it from him OP, you already have it. Yours is on your face, his is on his genitals. Outbreaks generally present at the initial infection site. One isn’t somehow worse because it presents on a different part of the body. Hopefully he isn’t considering dumping you over your facial herpes as you’re considering dumping him over his.

penni00 · 09/01/2022 06:17

Impressed with his honesty. I would struggle to cope with it myself though, but when you compare this virus to Covid, it doesn’t seem so bad! I would find it hard to relax though, and definitely would prefer to continue dating without the intimacy for a time, so to be really sure of the relationship. I wouldn’t take the risk unless the relationship was looking to be a forever one. I wonder how he would respond to this, he might be really understanding - another good sign.