Complicated finances

[Caradel]

My partner has brought up a complex money issue which I really have no idea where to start with it, so any helpful perspectives would be appreciated.

Last year my partner and I bought our first home together. We equally contributed to the deposit and costs of the purchase.

It was a renovation project. My partner did a lot of the work himself, I couldn't help physically due to being pregnant. He did this over 2 months whilst his business was closed for the summer. We equally contributed to all the renovation costs. I did a lot of the admin and anything else I could do that wasn't physical labour. I didn't take anytime off work to focus on the renovation as I wanted to save my annual leave to add onto my maternity leave once baby was born.

He now says he wants some financial compensation/recognition for the contribution he made by doing all that work (which has increased the value of the property). He is saying that he has also lost earnings during these 2 months, even though he had a planned closure of his business during those months. When I've questioned this he lists potential things he 'could' have done in those 2 months to earn money. This is the part I dislike as I dont think bringing these 'could' scenarios is helpful or relevant.

I've known all along that he has held some resentment that he worked really hard on the property (it was very difficult and a lot of things went wrong) and I didn't do much. But it wasn't out of choice...I was growing a baby!

This issue has only just come up now because we are taking about our finances whilst I'm on maternity leave. I've said a few things about not thinking it's fair that I contribute equally to monthly costs when I'm not earning. And only now has he bought up this issue about the renovations. I should say as well that he is trying to grown his business, is worried about financial stability, worried about supporting a family , and I think that is influencing the way he thinking about things.

He is a kind, decent, honest man and we really value fairness and equality in our relationship. So I am looking for advice to help me see things from all perspectives. Please do not just side with me as I am female/mother/mat leave etc..

He is not a kind decent man, if he was he would not even be suggesting this. Keep an eye on his behaviour Op, these things get worse after a baby arrives. And for God’s sake, do not give up work and rely on this man. If someone show’s you who they are, believe them.

Meant to add, a decent man would just be pleased to build a nice home for his family and not even think of it this way.

This really isn’t how normal couples think about money and he doesn’t sound like a kind, decent man. Point out to him that if he hadn’t done the work himself, he’d have been responsible for at least 50% of what it would have cost you to have tradespeople in: most homeowners think of the money they’ve saved through DIY, not what they’ve lost or are owed, and certainly not what their partner owes them for doing the work.

If he gave up paid work to do things then that should have been a broader conversation between the two of you at the time about maybe having to renovate over a longer period of time so he could combine it with work. He doesn’t get to now tell you that you somehow “owe him” lost wages.

You might not want to hear it, but I don’t think he’s as emotionally committed to this relationship as you are. I think you need a good sharp conversation with him about his views.

Although if you “don’t want everyone just to side with you”, I’ll add as devil’s advocate: have you used “growing a baby” as an excuse for shirking lots of things where he could see you as not pulling your weight? Is he bitter about having to shoulder things you really could have helped out with but used “growing a baby” as an excuse for?

Because short of him just being an idiot, that’s the only basis I could view it on.

If he saw you as a proper partnership, these nit-picking calculations would simply not come into it. This whole "I did X so I deserve Y" is not a good basis for a partnership.

The fact that you are even having these discussions at all is out of order if you see yourselves as going forward s a partnership.

Not quite a partnership if he's expecting to be paid for work done on your joint home. Will one of you be paid a salary for the upkeep of the house if one of you ended up doing more cleaning than the other?

You're about to become a family of 3... Time to combine finances as one pot of cash.

Maybe highlight the (short and longer term) financial hits you have taken on in order to have his child may provide perspective for him. Include loss of earnings, career opportunities, pension etc. Not to mention a pregnancy and its associated physical labour is a lot of work for just one half of the partnership!

What you have done is provide a home for your family which is a joint responsibility. Time to rethink the financial relationship - you are no longer dating and bickering over who bought the most expensive round.

You grew his baby, where’s your compensation? It really doesn’t paint him as that kind I’m afraid OP.

Invoice him for 4.5 months of your pregnancy..

This is your second thread on him OP where he doesnt come across very well and understand that you are in a relationship.

So here is a question - when he was doing all of this work and the planned shutdown of his business who was covering all of his bills. Who was covering the mortgage. Was he paying anything towards that at the time. Who covered his lost earnings.

Because he seems to want to be paid by YOU for work on the house together and for you to cover equally when you are on maternity leave. Is he expecting to pay for your childcare costs to cover the work that you are doing?

we really value fairness and equality

These are NOT the same. Both of you need to realise that what is fair isnt necessarily equal and vice versa. And in these sections been equal partners means things get split fairly. That does not mean equally.

Thanks for the comments so far.
I should have said he is normally a kind decent honest man but obviously the fact that I am asking strangers for advice on here means that there is something dodgy with what he is saying about this!

I think it is easy for me to say he is being unreasonable, stupid, should I rethink the relationship. But what I really think is going on is that he feels overwhelmed with the financial burden of supporting his new family plus trying to keep his business a float and is grasping at anything that would increase his bank balance. In doing so he has made a bad judgement of saying what hes said.

Where do I go from here though. How do I help him realise this?

If you're having a baby together then really your finances should be joint. He is being unreasonable- he was building a home for his family. He doesn't sound decent at all! If he is going to charge you then charge him for growing his offspring!!!

Is he always transactional? I did this so you owe me that?

He is surely adding value to his own home, why does he want paying for that? Such a strange thing.

He is not a kind, decent, honest man otherwise this would have been discussed before it happened and your conversation about funding your maternity leave would have also happened before you bought the house.

Dh and I have renovated several properties with me doing most of the work (decorating, tiling, laying flooring, plumbing in bathrooms, filling holes, climbing into small loft spaces, plus the research, cleaning, clearing, organising) I never once thought I wonder how much this is worth financially.

A new thread? Your other one is still active

But what I really think is going on is that he feels overwhelmed with the financial burden of supporting his new family plus trying to keep his business a float and is grasping at anything that would increase his bank balance.

How does asking you to compensate him, if he consisted you a family unit, improve his finances and help him increase his bank balance so he can better support his family. Point out to him how ridiculously topsy turvy that logic is.

To me it sounds more like he’s envisioning a point where the house has to be sold, presumably because you two have broken up, and he thinks you’ll gain “unfairly” by getting more money as a result of his work. If you’ve had other threads here about him as another poster indicates, this doesn’t bode well for how he views the future of your relationship or sees your as a partnership.

Tell him you want £1,500 a month for growing the baby - all that hard work and toll on your body.

Personally, I'd leave him. He doesn't see you as a family

Well he got you pregnant so half of the time you weren't able to work he needs to accept the costs for . Then you bill him to 50% of childcare you have provided...
He can't 'blame' you for not paying /working when he is the parent also!!

Hes treating you like you were a surrogate really. Like the fact you GREW HIS CHILD counts for nothing. If he wants to treat you as a surrogate, charge him for one. Look up going rates and tell him you want paying for your contribution. If he is shocked at this, ask him if he surely he doesn't think the value of his renovations on the house mean more to him than his own child?

Did he want this baby or was it unplanned / you mostly wheedled him into it? Because between this and your other thread, it doesn’t sound like he’s a new father-to-be healthily concerned about how he supports his family and worrying about having enough money, and far more as though he considers your pregnancy and this baby a costly and disruptive interference in his life.

Where is he expecting the "financial compensation" to come from? You paying him for working on his own home?

Send him an invoice addressed to the next of kin of dc name (him) requesting him to pay rent owed by baby for the use of your womb.

You choice is accept it and set yourself up for years of being treated unfairly financially - in the name of his definition of fairness.
Or you bring it to the head now and resolve it one way or another.

His definition of fairness is one-sided and prioritises his benefit. You are already in a vulnerable position having a baby without protection if the marriage. Your career will be affected. It will be you who will have to make sacrifices - starting with maternity, through sick days and holidays. But he will most likely not recognise or value it.

Given he is showing his true colours now - I’d only be staying with him on the condition of finances being joint, and getting married. I don’t see a point in a partner who doesn’t see have my back, while asking me to sacrifice for the relationship.

Did I forget to mention that expecting mother of his child contribute half of the expenses when on maternity leave - is beyond greedy.
In a partnership - things need to be fair and proportionate. This isn’t.

I think you are making excuses for him being stressed with his business and supporting his family. Except he isn’t supporting his family, not really. He is trying to get away with min, claiming ‘fairness’.

I hope you stop seeing the man you wish he were - and see him for what he really is.

So when he was doing the renovations, who cooked his food, washed his clothes, cleaned the house? Is this 50/50 too? It works both ways - if he wants to put a monetary value on household jobs make a list of everything you do too

He has well and truly lost the plot.
I would be rethinking this relationship OP. That is not an ok thing to do, I’m amazed he said that to you.