Complicated finances

[Caradel]

My partner has brought up a complex money issue which I really have no idea where to start with it, so any helpful perspectives would be appreciated.

Last year my partner and I bought our first home together. We equally contributed to the deposit and costs of the purchase.

It was a renovation project. My partner did a lot of the work himself, I couldn't help physically due to being pregnant. He did this over 2 months whilst his business was closed for the summer. We equally contributed to all the renovation costs. I did a lot of the admin and anything else I could do that wasn't physical labour. I didn't take anytime off work to focus on the renovation as I wanted to save my annual leave to add onto my maternity leave once baby was born.

He now says he wants some financial compensation/recognition for the contribution he made by doing all that work (which has increased the value of the property). He is saying that he has also lost earnings during these 2 months, even though he had a planned closure of his business during those months. When I've questioned this he lists potential things he 'could' have done in those 2 months to earn money. This is the part I dislike as I dont think bringing these 'could' scenarios is helpful or relevant.

I've known all along that he has held some resentment that he worked really hard on the property (it was very difficult and a lot of things went wrong) and I didn't do much. But it wasn't out of choice...I was growing a baby!

This issue has only just come up now because we are taking about our finances whilst I'm on maternity leave. I've said a few things about not thinking it's fair that I contribute equally to monthly costs when I'm not earning. And only now has he bought up this issue about the renovations. I should say as well that he is trying to grown his business, is worried about financial stability, worried about supporting a family , and I think that is influencing the way he thinking about things.

He is a kind, decent, honest man and we really value fairness and equality in our relationship. So I am looking for advice to help me see things from all perspectives. Please do not just side with me as I am female/mother/mat leave etc..

@HollowTalk he wants a slightly larger share of the property, to remortgage and release the equity so he has cash to invest in his business.
Absolutely not. You’ve taken more than a financial cost, you've taken a physical hit which can have long term impacts and he could walk out tomorrow. Where’s your compensation? You couldn’t do all the diy, he couldn’t grow the baby. It’s bad enough you are still paying the same share through mat leave if I read that correctly, id leave someone for that alone. Now here you are a month into being a new mum and he wants you to transfer more ownership? Suggest you say I’m sacrificing my earning potential and physical health here, and I don’t recognise this man expecting not only me to have to make having our baby only a financial impact on me not you, but also harassing a heavily pregnant woman/ new mum who’s learning how to parent, waking nights, recovering from birth, to transfer even more ownership over to you. Why don’t I just give you all my savings, you seem ti think it’s fair recompense for the privilege of breathing the same air as you. I think you should transfer an extra 25% over to me, since I will be left solo parenting so I can feel less stressed at what a position I will be in as a single mum if this grasping stranger you’ve become walks out on me and your baby because I think I still count as a person and I don’t owe you anything.

Has he paid anything for the baby at all or is that all on you?

Who is doing all the childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning?

I don't think he is kind decent and honest and I don't think its complicated.
I think it's disgusting to be honest.

He views his relationship with you the mother of his child and life partner as a financial transactional relationship and one he'd like to be able to walk away from as advantageously as possible if it suits him and is happy to leave you up shit creek.

I'd be very clear it's not happening. He doesn't have any legal recourse and I'd be addressing this hard and fast amd letting him know what an utter shit he was for suggesting this.

If you want to stay double up on contraception, sort your day care and get back to work. Make sure you only pay for 50% of childcare and that you only pay for 50% of EVERY child related costs clothing dummies, muslin, birthday gifts.... everything.
Make sure you only do 50% of sick leave cover with the child.
And w regards to child free time if he goes out for 4 hours you get 4 hours or he pays baby sitting rates.

Because he is showing you who he is. Listen to him. You have bred with a man who wants a business paternity, not a family or a life partner.

Your partner has shown his true colours. He isn't thinking like a fair honest family man at all, he's treating the house as a business transaction, it's sad you feel the need to defend him with excuses.

A man who would pull a stunt like this on the woman who is bearing his child, is not a good or decent man, he's taking advantage of you, as the mother of his child, when your attention is naturally taken up looking after your (shared) child. That's about as low down as it gets.

@timeisnotaline is right. You couldn't do diy in the same way that he couldn't grow a baby. Perhaps point out that had you needed a surrogate it would have cost xxx and that you therefore also need to be compensated for that.

Invoice him for giving birth

Um what? He’s worried about supporting a family so will take from you what is yours? That’s so illogical.

He’s a greedy grasping bastard. He’s not supporting you. He’s making you pay fifty fifty even when you earn less and now he’s trying to take your share of the property.

Decent people don’t do that. He’s looking out of number one.

he wants a slightly larger share of the property, to remortgage and release the equity so he has cash to invest in his business.

Oh hell no. That’s a joint asset and he shouldn’t be remortgaging or releasing equity to put into his business and you should be FIERCE on this point.

Is his business viable?
Is he a good businessman- has a solid financial plan for growth, accounts sorted etc?

On your other thread you said he was super keen you contribute 50-50 to the mortgage in all circumstances. How does that square with him wanting a greater share?

He needs to understand your partnership as a family first.

I think the whole idea of 'his own business' is actually quite selfish. If he was in secure paid employment that would be much 'fairer' for you. You are not married, so any sacrifices you make for his business are to your own detriment.

He wants to take money from you to 'invest' in his business? I'm sure he does! Make sure that the baby has your last name, as he does not sound like a team player.

So, he wants financial compensation for doing work to your joint house, whilst he wasn’t working and you were pregnant? What a knob!
I’ve done a lot of planning and decorating myself over the last year, paid for out of my inheritance - does that mean my dp should pay me back? I can’t get my head around it tbh.
If you’re not a team, this will not bode well for the future.

You will be expected to take days off when your DC is ill, as he will lose out on pay. He won't be able to use childcare voucher, so it will be 'easier' for you to pay from your salary. He can't have it both ways. If he wants 50/50, that means 50% of DC sick days, 50% of the burden of part time working if you both decide that would be best for your DC.

Be prepared for 'I didn't really want a baby, I just went along with it as that was what you wanted'

He has viewed this project as a business transaction with you being his customer rather that a project to build a family home.
I wouldn’t trust him again on anything to do with finances.
In the future if your earning diminish due to childcare etc, be prepared for him to send you the bill for the extra contributions he’s made to bills.
The word “kind” really doesn’t fit here.

How do you get him to understand? Show him this thread?

If you were my daughter I would be very worried

He is so transactional. Where's the love? No matter how worried he is about finances he is trying to feather his OWN nest at your and your child's expense using spurious and gaslighting arguments.

Please take care with this man. And protect your own finances. Go back to work. Make sure childcare costs are split 50 50. Protect you and your child.

If he wanted paying for the work then he should have made that clear and reached agreement at the time. It is absurd to try to start charging you months after the work was completed. If he didn't want to do it he should have said so at the time.

Did he claim furlough?

How are you financing your mat leave?

He doesn’t sound like much of a partner to me

Cut your losses and move out because he’s not on your team. He’s not kind and decent at all

Op the heading on your thread isn't accurate, it should have been

''Partner is financially abusing me'' because he wants a bigger share in the house because he thinks his work shouldn't benefit you.
He wants you to continue paying 50% of bills etc when you will be earning much less on maternity leave.

What next ?
Will you be expected to pay him to do any childcare ?
Will you need to pay him to take time off when child is unwell ?
Will you need to repay him if your DC draws on the walls ?

I think he actually expects you to 'pave his way' financially, just so that he 'feels in control' !!

Fuck that ! Who the hell does he think he is ?

It's his DC too, and he needs to understand that you will not be forced into handing over more of the house for him to invest in his 'business' ! It's his bloody business, which I'm very sure he has ring fenced accordingly !

Step 1 - You tell him that your contribution was EQUAL during the 'renovation', so you've drawn a line under that and will NOT be discussing ridiculous 'ideas' about bloody @recompense' !

Step 2 - Tell him that unless he changes his tune and actually presents a fair financial 'contribution' for you while you are on Mat leave, then you will be seriously thinking about selling up and moving forwards alone. With this in mind, tell him you're happy to 'compare notes' on your 'contributions' to the 'partnership'.

Step 3 - You present him with a detailed list of your 'contributions' and their associated 'costs'. e.g
Childcare - 24 hrs a day @ £24 per hour
Laundry/ironing - 12hrs weekly @ £12 per hour
Shopping - 6hrs weekly @ £15 per hour
Cooking - 25hrs weekly @ £20 per hr
Admin - 12 hrs weekly @ £18 per hour (including any done for his work)
Housework - 3 hrs daily @ £15 per hour
etc etc

Also detail loss of earnings and earning 'potential' due to pregnancy and birth, reduction in pension contributions, loss of probable 'promotion' opportunities, maybe having to go part time (including loss of pension contributions), cost of surgically 'fixing' stretch marks/muscle damage/ scarring etc and any pregnancy/birth associated body changes etc

But remember to detail everything !

Step 4 - Ask him to detail his daily 'contribution' to you lives (NOT just his financial contribution) and compare lists.

Ask him why the hell he thinks you should still pay 50% of the bills when your 'contribution' to your daily lives smooth running is so much higher than his ????

It's NOT about his bank balance, it's about being a team !

If he still refuses to 'see the light', then I'm afraid he's financially abusive and you're far better off leaving, as this will not improve, ever.

He's clearly being ridiculous. However if he wants a logical argument surely you are losing money by taking maternity leave to raise his child. Is he going to financially compensate you for the loss of earning and impact on on your career progression? That would be more than a couple of months salary. I got an enhanced maternity package and still lost 26k in earnings by taking my maternity leave.

That's terrible! What kind of a dp does that.

@Contactmap

We have never had any such conversation in the last 10 years I will never understand couples who TTC without having these conversations first. It's a recipe for disaster.

I think we know why these conversations don't happen because many men would never agree to it and would rather be childless. If men knew what being an equal parent entails to their child then I would suspect that the birth rate would drop significantly.

I would never agree and tell him you'll have to see some solicitors about it if he carry's on.

OP
This really, really isn't complicated.

All homeowners look after, maintain, and in most cases, add value to their homes. It is just what responsible homeowners do

Please, please do not give him more of a share to release equity for his fledgling business. Responsible parents want their children to have stability, and a secure place to live- he is actively undermining this.

Please ask him what value he places on you 'growing a baby'.
Ask him what value he places on any long term affects of pregnancy.
What value does he place in you looking after your child while on mat leave, and on looking after the house.
I bet he'll say that that is just how it is, and women all over the world have babies.
Then point out out that it really isn't fair and it's not equitable.
Men like this make me despair

He is not a kind man.
A fair man would drop your contributions proportionately during mat leave. A kind man would pay all the bills.

If he's this stingy now it's a red flag for domestic abuse.

I couldn’t stay with a man after this. He doesn’t see you as a partnership at all and, to be honest, he sounds a complete dick!
This is now how normal couples function. He needs to go.