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Relationships

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Original poster

Complicated finances

121 replies

Caradel · 06/01/2022 16:50

My partner has brought up a complex money issue which I really have no idea where to start with it, so any helpful perspectives would be appreciated.

Last year my partner and I bought our first home together. We equally contributed to the deposit and costs of the purchase.

It was a renovation project. My partner did a lot of the work himself, I couldn't help physically due to being pregnant. He did this over 2 months whilst his business was closed for the summer. We equally contributed to all the renovation costs. I did a lot of the admin and anything else I could do that wasn't physical labour. I didn't take anytime off work to focus on the renovation as I wanted to save my annual leave to add onto my maternity leave once baby was born.

He now says he wants some financial compensation/recognition for the contribution he made by doing all that work (which has increased the value of the property). He is saying that he has also lost earnings during these 2 months, even though he had a planned closure of his business during those months. When I've questioned this he lists potential things he 'could' have done in those 2 months to earn money. This is the part I dislike as I dont think bringing these 'could' scenarios is helpful or relevant.

I've known all along that he has held some resentment that he worked really hard on the property (it was very difficult and a lot of things went wrong) and I didn't do much. But it wasn't out of choice...I was growing a baby!

This issue has only just come up now because we are taking about our finances whilst I'm on maternity leave. I've said a few things about not thinking it's fair that I contribute equally to monthly costs when I'm not earning. And only now has he bought up this issue about the renovations. I should say as well that he is trying to grown his business, is worried about financial stability, worried about supporting a family , and I think that is influencing the way he thinking about things.

He is a kind, decent, honest man and we really value fairness and equality in our relationship. So I am looking for advice to help me see things from all perspectives. Please do not just side with me as I am female/mother/mat leave etc..

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 07/01/2022 11:42

Also if you think it is complicated he is clearly financially abusive. Is he always in your ear about perceived unfairness he is suffering? Is this an ongoing conversation?

Chloemol · 07/01/2022 11:43

Just tell him you want to be paid for carrying your joint child as it made you sick, unable to work/do housework etc etc

It’s exactly the same

Then I would tell him to grow up

Stripyhoglets1 · 07/01/2022 11:57

You should have included this in your other thread about hom wanting you still to pay 50%of costs while on maternity pay.
Tbh I'd get yourself back to work ASAP as you will likely need to support yourself as a single parent I future if he has this approach to shared finances. And make sure he pays 50% childcare costs when you do.
Don't remortgage to bail out his business either.

SallyWD · 07/01/2022 11:58

I felt sad reading this. My DH paid for 90% of our house deposit and pays all the mortgage (he earns MUCH more than me) but we jointly own the house so if we split up I get 50% of the house. Although he's making the financial contributions he recognizes my contributions of raising the children, doing most of the house work etc. In fact he said just yesterday that my contributions to our family are far greater and more important than his financial contributions. Your partner doesn't seem to realise this at all. He seems cold and uncaring, only concerned about money,

YukoandHiro · 07/01/2022 12:04

Are you tenants in common or do you own jointly?

I think you need to speak to a lawyer. He sounds horribly like he's preparing to leave.

Needdoughnuts · 07/01/2022 12:10

So he was making a home for the baby while you were growing the baby? Sounds fair so far. I think you are going to be quids in though, remember to invoice for all the childcare and housework you do during evenings and weekends if he isn't pulling 50%.

YukoandHiro · 07/01/2022 12:16

By the way OP if you're intending to breastfeed you're about to do a HELL of a lot of unpaid physical work on his behalf

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/01/2022 12:17

Invoice him per litre of breast milk, since everything is a transactional matter to him

mcmooberry · 07/01/2022 12:24

This is very shocking and more so that you have been together 10 years! I assumed a relatively recent relationship and possibly an unplanned pregnancy for him to be talking like this. He may well be having anxiety about finances but taking money from you is hardly going to help supporting a family!
Think you need to discuss things calmly and come to some fair arrangement that does not involve you being taken financial advantage of.

user1481840227 · 07/01/2022 14:12

@Keepitonthedownlow

Also remortgaging to a finance a business sounds really risky. And the OP will be liable for the debt, with none of the reward from the business, unless he had a Ltd Company and gives her shares.

Sounds insane, especially as she said on her other thread that he has significant savings!

mindutopia · 07/01/2022 16:12

This is such a twisted and bizarre approach to money. I'm not at all the family money all in one pot type (dh and I do have a joint account, but we otherwise keep our money separate), but where does it end? Is he paying you for the childcare you are providing so he can work now? When your child is older and you do the school run 3 days a week and he does it two, will he pay you for that extra hour of your time? If you being with your baby evenings and weekends while he does admin for his business allows it to grow, how much of a percentage of the profit will he pay you at the end of the year?

A house is a joint investment. As a team, you decide what investments you want to make in it and you benefit from that as a team. Dh is also self-employed and regularly takes time off to DIY. He would literally laugh at the suggestion that he should own more of the house as a result. But then again, we're married. It sounds like you are leaving yourself quite vulnerable in this situation if you aren't.

Mischance · 07/01/2022 16:18

is grasping at anything that would increase his bank balance

I note here the word HIS.

He is happy to increase his bank balance at the expense of yours! This is seriously not great. You should be starting to talk about OUR bank balance.

His attitude is not a proper basis for a long term relationship.

backtolifebacktoreality · 07/01/2022 20:33

Don't release equity!!!!!!!

gettingolderbutcooler · 07/01/2022 20:41

How bizarre.
My husbands an architect and designed our house. If he had then 'charged' me he wouldn't be my husband any longer.
This isn't a relationship, it's what he perceives as an employer and an employee. What a tosser.

timeisnotaline · 07/01/2022 23:18

@Randommother

Ok, so I’m going to give a different perspective. He’s looking to release equity that has been created from the work he has done on the house, to invest in his business. If the outcome of this is a more profitable business, and therefore better financial security for your family then I’m not sure what the issue is. However, if you feel that it’s too much of a risk that would put you in debt and potentially not reap the rewards he thinks it will, then the answer should be no. Either way, the decision, the risk and the reward should be something that is shared equally between you.

No really, he’s just looking for being in a relationship with the op to benefit him. Do you see him offering her a half share in the business so the equity would stay hers or marriage /another legal contract sharing assets? He just wants her to transfer her assets to him while they live off her savings as she cares for their baby. What a twat.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/01/2022 00:00

@Randommother. But they are not married. So the business belongs to him and him alone. He wants to use the benefit of a shared asset to improve his own financial situation while at the same time having the mother of his child use her savings to pay part of the mortgage. While he disregards her contributions ie looking after their child which enables him to work.

Can you not see how wrong that is??

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 00:41

[quote Rainbowqueeen]@Randommother. But they are not married. So the business belongs to him and him alone. He wants to use the benefit of a shared asset to improve his own financial situation while at the same time having the mother of his child use her savings to pay part of the mortgage. While he disregards her contributions ie looking after their child which enables him to work.

Can you not see how wrong that is??[/quote]
Absolutely this! They aren't married. That changes everything in comparison to the legal protection she would have if they were.

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/01/2022 00:44

Cool, l say bring it. Obviously if he gets compo, then you get compo. He should probably quit while he’s ahead. As being pregnant, giving birth and caring for a baby is a lot more than DIY / house renovations

Now time for my serious answer. He’s a prick, tell him to go fuck himself

user1481840227 · 08/01/2022 04:54

@Randommother

They both paid for the work to be done on the house. The OP did the admin and the other things that she could do that weren't physical labour as she was pregnant. He did the physical labour. They have therefore both increased the value of the house, not just him.

If he remortgages the house to get the money he feels he deserves then the OP will be expected to still stick to 50% of the mortgage costs and be paying for a higher mortgage!! She said in her other thread that he still expects her to pay 50/50 now even though her maternity pay doesn't't cover it. He expects her to pay for it out of her savings!

So the release of equity just means even more money is expected to come out of her savings! while he sits on his own substantial savings!

This man is not showing any signs that he will provide financial security for the family at all!

vdbfamily · 08/01/2022 10:47

Did this comes up in the context of you saying that whilst you are not earning you cannot contribute 50%, and him then saying that he had 2 months not earning but still had to contribute the same amount?
The easiest solution in my humble opinion is just to have shared money and then you don't argue about it. However, this only works if you have a very similar outlook on finances.

RantyAunty · 08/01/2022 16:21

And this exact scenario is why women should never go 50/50 with a man starting from the first date.

10 years, no marriage, new baby and he thinks he should be compensated for the work he did even though she paid for half of the renos and still paid her half of the mortage etc. She didn't mention is he was still paying his half or if he's paid anything towards the new baby.

You end up with an entitled grabby transactioinal twat.

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