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Relationships

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Original poster

Complicated finances

121 replies

Caradel · 06/01/2022 16:50

My partner has brought up a complex money issue which I really have no idea where to start with it, so any helpful perspectives would be appreciated.

Last year my partner and I bought our first home together. We equally contributed to the deposit and costs of the purchase.

It was a renovation project. My partner did a lot of the work himself, I couldn't help physically due to being pregnant. He did this over 2 months whilst his business was closed for the summer. We equally contributed to all the renovation costs. I did a lot of the admin and anything else I could do that wasn't physical labour. I didn't take anytime off work to focus on the renovation as I wanted to save my annual leave to add onto my maternity leave once baby was born.

He now says he wants some financial compensation/recognition for the contribution he made by doing all that work (which has increased the value of the property). He is saying that he has also lost earnings during these 2 months, even though he had a planned closure of his business during those months. When I've questioned this he lists potential things he 'could' have done in those 2 months to earn money. This is the part I dislike as I dont think bringing these 'could' scenarios is helpful or relevant.

I've known all along that he has held some resentment that he worked really hard on the property (it was very difficult and a lot of things went wrong) and I didn't do much. But it wasn't out of choice...I was growing a baby!

This issue has only just come up now because we are taking about our finances whilst I'm on maternity leave. I've said a few things about not thinking it's fair that I contribute equally to monthly costs when I'm not earning. And only now has he bought up this issue about the renovations. I should say as well that he is trying to grown his business, is worried about financial stability, worried about supporting a family , and I think that is influencing the way he thinking about things.

He is a kind, decent, honest man and we really value fairness and equality in our relationship. So I am looking for advice to help me see things from all perspectives. Please do not just side with me as I am female/mother/mat leave etc..

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 06/01/2022 17:45

The problem is OP that

But what I really think is going on is that he feels overwhelmed with the financial burden of supporting his new family plus trying to keep his business a float and is grasping at anything that would increase his bank balance

Is from you. To HIS bank balance. It would be one (understandable) thing to say he is concerned about how this will work with his business, you on maternity leave and having to find a way to jointly cover childcare.

And this which seems to just be about him.

You dont need advice to see things from all perspectives. You need advice and support in getting him to - and quickly before you are on maternity leave.

BooksAndGin · 06/01/2022 17:46

Simply say "okay when you give me compensation for carrying our baby that YOU helped made, I'll happily give you your compensation."
Very selfish thing of him to say.

Journeynotdestination · 06/01/2022 17:47

Can’t believe what I just read OP. It’s so transactional and not how organic decent partnerships should be. Plus he’s in the wrong! Is he like this about money in other areas? He’s treating you like a mate he’s done some work for.

HollowTalk · 06/01/2022 17:48

Does he want you to literally hand over the cash or is he thinking that if you split up he wants a bigger share? I'm really shocked - you are supposed to be a partnership, aren't you?

Original poster

Caradel · 06/01/2022 18:02

@HollowTalk

Does he want you to literally hand over the cash or is he thinking that if you split up he wants a bigger share? I'm really shocked - you are supposed to be a partnership, aren't you?

@HollowTalk he wants a slightly larger share of the property, to remortgage and release the equity so he has cash to invest in his business.

OP posts:

Suprima · 06/01/2022 18:02

@Caradel

My partner has brought up a complex money issue which I really have no idea where to start with it, so any helpful perspectives would be appreciated.

Last year my partner and I bought our first home together. We equally contributed to the deposit and costs of the purchase.

Oh you picked a wrong ‘un my love

I am sorry

He wants a financial contribution for doing work to his own house? Greedy miser who will no doubt make you feel like a GoLdIGgER when you are on mat leave when he is the real financial, emotional and wifework parasite

Don’t have any more kids with him

bringmelaughter · 06/01/2022 18:05

I think you need to be careful and financially protect yourself and your baby. You describe him as your partner not your husband and, without marriage, you potentially have less protection. I’m assuming the house is in joint names? If he’s like this now, he won’t be aiming to look after you and your child financially if you ever break up.

WhoAre · 06/01/2022 18:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Caradel · 06/01/2022 18:11

This is all so interesting to hear others opinions. We have never had any such conversation in the last 10 years and feels like my instincts about this being a bit strange were right.

Having had our baby last month I am.really not in the right place to be understanding what's going on here and able to construct a reasonable response. ( My partner bought this up before we had the baby but it is playing on my mind which is why I am here asking for advice. )

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2022 18:11

He is a kind, decent, honest man and we really value fairness and equality in our relationship.

This isn't true at all, is it? He's a nasty, selfish twat. FFS, don't marry him. This doesn't bode well at all.

NoLongerTroels · 06/01/2022 18:30

If he's after money, maybe it's time to sell the house, split the money 50/50 and go on your seperate ways, you will need more than 50% maybe as you will be housing the joint child.
He's not exactly covering himself in glory here is he.

WhoAre · 06/01/2022 18:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Quartz2208 · 06/01/2022 19:19

How is his business doing OP it sounds as if it could be failing

OnaBegonia · 06/01/2022 19:39

So did he live off your income whilst he was renovating? He sounds like a horrible grabby person.

jimmyjammy001 · 06/01/2022 23:29

You've got a child together coming so you are a family, all finances should be pulled together as one, loads of people work on the family home but don't demand money from their partner, are you married?! When you have to give up work or go part time and look after the children is he not going to contribute?! Your be giving up alot of your disposable income which he will need to make up for you, I hope you have discussed this with him and have a financial plan about how money is to be divided before you decided to have a child together.

MizzFizz · 06/01/2022 23:41

Having and staying home with a baby is a HUGE, multi-year sacrifice that almost always falls to the woman. He needs to have a hard think about whether he really wants to start this tit-for-tat financial situation, because then you need to start charging him for childcare from the moment your baby arrives and he goes back to work. His expectations are not normal at all..... I know it's your first child but once they're born you will see the massive financial/emotional/physical toll it takes on you (your body, your career). He really needs to grow up and give his head a shake....

AnotherSillawithanS · 07/01/2022 00:34

Wow

Tell him he gets rewarded when the house gets sold, if ever.

But if I were you........

user1481840227 · 07/01/2022 04:30

I would be very, very worried.
This is not how a decent family man thinks.
He wants you to actually reimburse him for the work he did on the family home, that's just embarrassing and pathetic (for him).

Just read your other thread too and see that he wants you to make up the shortfall on your 50% of the bills while you are on maternity leave with your savings even though he has his own savings too.

So he has a baby but he doesn't want to have to bear any of the extra financial responsibility that comes along with having a child? That's all down to you? Shocking!

Why on earth does he want to remortage the house if he has significant savings anyway?

You would be absolutely mad to do it, because if this is his attitude then your relationship absolutely will not last and the house is going to end up being sold and you will need your equity to start over.

sjxoxo · 07/01/2022 04:37

Sorry this is unbelievable- I’m assuming you are pregnant with his baby??? How much is he paying you for that contribution!! Seriously. I’d invoice him for the use of your womb if he wants to be such a twat.

Is he freaking out about having a baby? Strange behaviour I think- possible he’s worried about finances.

Work out what you are losing being pregnant - maternity pay not your normal salary etc etc and invoice him the difference.

Are you married? If not I would be reconsidering my partnership with this man as frankly it sounds like you are in it on your own and he isn’t looking at the two (or three even) of you as a family unit. X

CombatBarbie · 07/01/2022 04:47

It's not complicated at all.... You couldn't help physically but done the admin etc?

I'd love to hear my husband try that with me in our house renovation. He does the heavy stuff, I do all other life admin, cooking, cleaning, kids etc.

He needs a reality check, will he be billing you petrol/his time on his days to drop off/collect at childcare too?

sjxoxo · 07/01/2022 04:50

Just reread your op in shock- there’s nothing fair or equal about your relationship certainly not from his side. What value does he put on you growing a baby..? None it sounds like.
He’s shouldering zero responsibility and worse I get the impression he’s convinced you (or nearly has) that this is ok and normal - it’s not. Definitely take steps to protect yourself and your baby financially as I don’t think he will be prepared to provide for you and if you aren’t married this makes you vulnerable, even more so if you are planning on giving up work or reducing your income to do childcare etc. I’d strongly advise against that in this situation as he will take advantage of you.. this is going to sound far fetched but these situations with men like this who insist on an unfair partnership from the start are the same ones who are borderline abusive year later when theyve had years of free childcare and essentially control their partners’ by restricting money and assets leaving their partner trapped and unable to leave without a great deal of effort.
Be very cautious- do you have any legal framework in place for your house and split of assets/finances if you aren’t married? Good luck op and congrats on your baby xxxx

Contactmap · 07/01/2022 04:56

We have never had any such conversation in the last 10 years
I will never understand couples who TTC without having these conversations first. It's a recipe for disaster.

lovingtheheat · 07/01/2022 05:24

A friend of mine's husband did this when she was on maternity leave. In the end she added up the value of childcare, 100%cleaning etc and pointed out that if she were at work he'd be paying 50% of that and that it had to be factored in.

As for the lost 2 months he is being ridiculous. He has added value to his own home. Do you get compensated doe jobs that he doesn't do around the house?

lovingtheheat · 07/01/2022 05:26

What I'm saying is he can't have it both ways. You're either a team or if he wants to be pernickety you'll need to do the same to protect yourself.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/01/2022 05:29

He needs to get to grips with the concept of being part of a team. Does he even agree that you two are a team?
In a team, everyone contributes but perhaps in different ways. Each of these ways has value. Sports analogy - the scorers can’t kick the goals if the midfielders don’t bring the ball down the scoring end. And sometimes one team member contributes more than another. But as long as it all evens out then so what.

What would be his expectation if he was unwell and couldn’t work for 6 months??

If you decide to become a family then you are a team. If he doesn’t think that you are then I’d consider my options and I would protect myself.

I’m guessing you did most of the housework while he did the renovations?? Was it even 50-50 before then?? Who does the admin for his business??

I find it very interesting that he brings this up now, while you are vulnerable and exhausted. Do some reading on financial abuse and be very wary

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