Splitting finances on maternity leave

[Caradel]

Hi,

My partner and I are struggling to agree how to split our finances while I am on maternity leave so I'm interested to know how others have split money when they've had a baby.

Our situation is:
1st baby.
We've always kept our money separate and contribute 50:50 to all bills, mortgage etc.
I'm Employed and will be on Mat leave for 12 months. I'll only get statutory mat pay.
Partner is self employed, no paternity pay.
(We earn about the same amount).
We both have significant savings and so I could continue to contribute 50% but I dont think that is fair. Because I don't want to come to the end of my maternity leave not having earnt anything and having spent a lot of my savings, whilst my partner would see no changes to his finances.

But I'm not sure what is fair!???

There are a few things that make this conversation more challenging..

1. My partner is trying to grow his business and wants to invest as much as possible into it.
2. My partner feels very strongly we should continue to contribute to the mortgage equally, regardless of what we decide to do with the rest of the bills/costs.
3. My partner is very frugal whereas I like to buy presents, treats etc. We've always had our own money so have never had a problem with this difference between us.

Looking forward to seeing how others have dealt with similar situations!

Only married men should support their children

And separated men as well. But unmarried men living with them shouldn't. Barking!

I really struggle to understand that the costs of having a family rest on the mother.

I suppose the general idea is that women who have children without being married are no better than they ought to be. And unmarried men led astray by such women shouldn't be entrapped into having to support their illegitimate offspring.

I thought attitudes had moved on since the Poor Law of 1834 (which gave unmarried mothers sole responsibility for supporting their illegitimate children). Obviously not universally....

If he wants to split the bills, then he needs to pay you for half of your lost income during your maternity leave and make your pension contributions. You also need to be sure he is paying for half of all child related expenses and all incidentals related to day to day care including outings, baby classes, maternity clothing (if he didn’t pay for half he owes that retroactively), nursing bras, postpartum pads, and the list of expenses related to having a child goes on and on. Did he pay for half of the diapers, the cot, car seat, etc? Make sure you track everything because it will be far to easy for those expenses to fall to you.

Work out a proper budget of outgoings including a small amount of spending money each.

Any shortfall comes 50/50 from both of your savings. I think this is a scenario that warrants spending of savings.

If he wants to put his spending money towards bills and take less from savings then he can.

If you're ultimately planning to get married, if he can continue to invest in his business, that will benefit you too.

@Viviennemary

If you are not married I think you should finance your own maternity leave if you have savings. If you didn't have savings that would be different. But up to you both to come to an agreement.

How on earth did you come to have that opinion?

Im always so disgusted to read that men like this exist.

You should get married, otherwise if you separate he can use his business to get out of paying anything significant for his own child. Clearly he doesn't feel any moral obligation to a child he created or the woman he purports to love.

If he doesn't grow up and agree to share finances to provide for his own family, make sure you invoice him for the childcare you will be providing while you are on maternity leave and then return to your career. Don't agree to go part time, your unpaid labour will be subsidising the business he is building to enrich himself alone.

Selfish sexist man.

@Alarae

When I went on maternity leave we worked out what we both would be taking home net of tax. We then worked out what percentage that was- I think in our case it worked out 60% DH and 40% me.

We worked out all our expenses and paid pro-rata to net income. So DH paid 60% and I paid 40%.

I appreciate your partner is self employed but he must know a rough average of what he earns per month if the fluctuations are smoothed out across the year.

I don't agree with the notion that he should not pay more just because you are earning less on maternity leave. You are looking after your child and effectively childcare on his behalf while he works. Not to mention the fact you have already spent 9 months growing the baby, of which you aren't financially rewarded either!

There's a lot if Batshittery on this thread and this is probably one of the most sensible, reasonable and equitable suggestions here.

Also likes the post about using an example of nursery fees if you were to return to work earlier to help shape the conversation.

Good luck, keep us updated.

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett

OP, book a relationship counselling session and deal with his ASAP.

@Viviennemary What a strange opinion to have!! She’s going on maternity leave to have THEIR child. Of course he needs to take some of the financial responsibility- both for loss of earnings during mat leave and for anything his child needs!

@Caradel We have a 1 year old, are not married but will be this year. Personally, we discussed all the financials before TTC to make sure we were on the same page but I appreciate that not the position you’re in! I took 12 months off and got SMP. DP has varied income each month too. We started this routine when I got pregnant and still do it now that I’ve returned to work PT instead of full time.

-Pooled all money each month
-Paid all bills (everything from mortgage to mobile phones, life insurances, Netflix etc)
-Topped up pensions
-Put a set amount into “family spending” account - this is used for day to day living like groceries, nappies, meals out, anything DS needs, baby classes etc. Also, maternity clothes etc when I was pregnant.
-Look at what’s left and 50% goes into family savings and 25% into each of mine and DPs personal spending account that we can do what we want with. I put part of mine into small personal savings.

Personally I think financing your maternity leave is the least of your worries.

He sounds as though he sees you as the default parent already and isn't acting like you're a team. His "baby" is his business which he puts all of himself into and which gobbles up time and money for him to hoard for himself

He's at best naive and at worst deliberately obtuse (with a side of rank misogyny) if he thinks he can just carry on as before - probably while showing off photos of his new baby on Facebook and enjoying you being there to run the home - while you do everything AND PAY FOR IT YOURSELF

We've always just put all money in one pot, but I know that doesn't work for everyone. If he isn't open to some sort of "we each pay in 75% of our earnings" or alternatively "I earn X% of household income so I'll pay X% of household costs" - possibly with an additional "Household income with drop by £10000 so let's each put £5000 of our savings in the joint pot to cover OPs contributuion" then I'd seriously consider going it alone. At least then you'd get maintenence and (probably) a guaranteed couple of days a week where he helped with childcare.

Yes to pro rata for living costs. If your mat pay is say 10% of your income pay 10% of costs

However I would also add if you are a super spender, I can see why he wouldn’t want to be subbing that. My DP is a real spender, and I am not and I’d not be happy to sub him buying whatever insanely expensive camping gear he won’t use and not be able to save. So I do think you’ll have to cut back on treats etc.