Splitting finances on maternity leave

[Caradel]

Hi,

My partner and I are struggling to agree how to split our finances while I am on maternity leave so I'm interested to know how others have split money when they've had a baby.

Our situation is:
1st baby.
We've always kept our money separate and contribute 50:50 to all bills, mortgage etc.
I'm Employed and will be on Mat leave for 12 months. I'll only get statutory mat pay.
Partner is self employed, no paternity pay.
(We earn about the same amount).
We both have significant savings and so I could continue to contribute 50% but I dont think that is fair. Because I don't want to come to the end of my maternity leave not having earnt anything and having spent a lot of my savings, whilst my partner would see no changes to his finances.

But I'm not sure what is fair!???

There are a few things that make this conversation more challenging..

1. My partner is trying to grow his business and wants to invest as much as possible into it.
2. My partner feels very strongly we should continue to contribute to the mortgage equally, regardless of what we decide to do with the rest of the bills/costs.
3. My partner is very frugal whereas I like to buy presents, treats etc. We've always had our own money so have never had a problem with this difference between us.

Looking forward to seeing how others have dealt with similar situations!

DP paid me 1/2 my monthly loss and we continued to split everything 50/50 so our loss was exactly the same.

The other option is to get back to work asap and he can cover 2.5 days a week childcare while you cover the other 2.5 days. Either by not working those days or by buying childcare.

Jesus Christ you are a partnership.

While you are not earning, the money he earns, plus whatever mat leave you get, plus child benefits, is your total joint income, and you split that evenly.

Savings - if you get married pool them, if you don’t, don’t.

I think you need to slap this one with a wet kipper OP, does he realise he’s in a relationship with a child?

@RosieGuacamosie

All money (including bonuses) into one pot where bills, savings and joint spending are paid from. Equal amounts of personal spends transferred to each of us.

Frankly, I would not be considering having a baby (we don’t have kids yet) with a man who didn’t want to share finances. I find it pretty shocking people expect you to fund your own maternity leave!

This is how we did it. As our respective incomes went up and down our savings (and sometimes spends) contribution fluctuated but it meant that we were always on the same footing.

I see what you're saying about a variable income but I'd suggest that you work out what your 'bare minimum' household income is (all bills plus your own spends) and that's what he tops up to. Anything over and above can go back into his business.

For gods' sake, don't do it on a proportional basis. It's fine in theory now, but what happens if you go part time/scale back your work because it makes more sense for your family? You end up with less disposable income, doing days out for two (or three or four) the majority of the time as its you plus your children.

This op worries me. He is putting his money into the business. His business or both of yours? How many threads are on here a few years down the line from this. Partner wealthy, good business, no ties. Woman with reduced or no income, caring for children. And then they split up and she cannot get any financial support from him. It's all his. Please address this, op.

Why does this feel like the foundations of financial abuse?

Because it is.

[quote girlmom21]**@thenewduchessoflapland* but she shouldn't do all* the childcare.
If finances are equal so is childcare. So she does childcare while he works. The rest is split.
Housework is split.
If they pay equally on everything then everything else needs to be equal tools [/quote]
Tbf I said if feels like he's expecting her to do all of the childcare not that she should do all of it.It'll be interesting to see how he's expecting the split of childcare and household chores to be once the baby is here.

My personal experience with many self employed men business building is that they are all too consumed with their work and the general everyday stuff like running the house and parenting the children often fall to the wife/partner.

As PP says it's difficult if the woman is the main earner or you don't both have savings.

In our case I eat more and I am the only one who saves. Now I have dropped down to stat pay this does not cover my half of the bills and when I earn £0 I not sure how this will work. We agreed DH would cover it but honestly I don't think he has prepared to.

It's frustrating as I only have a small amount of savings, having spent a lot of money on renovations to the house plus everything that baby needs, and I don't really want to wipe out my savings on mat leave but I'm not sure DH will be able to cover it.

earn more not eat more

@Triffid1

I don't understand why the cost of maternity leave, which benefits you, him and the baby, have to be borne entirely by you? It makes no sense. If he is unwilling to contribute, and you are only getting SMP, then I think you need to consider reducing your maternity leave and then going back to work asap, with childcare costs (and pick ups, drop off, sick leave etc) split 50:50 as it is currently.

I will never understand the view so many men seem to have that having a baby should only impact the woman in the relationship. Even more, I will never understand why so many women seem to have the same view.

I agree with this. Unfortunately the very set up @Caradel has chosen to have i.e. be unmarried legally single people, means that her boyfriend is treating the relationship precisely like this. There's no "what's yours in mine" in this set up as there is in a marriage.

OP firstly congratulations on your baby! Is your current boyfriend someone you want to marry? If so, why not do this before baby arrives. It makes no sense why he cannot commit to you when he's happy for you to carry, give birth to and co-raise his baby he conceived with you. No normal committed man would expect the love of his life to carry the whole financial burden of a precious baby who is just as much is and a baby he should be excited to have in his life and therefore provide for in any way he can.

It would be absolutely shocking behaviour to prioritise piling up any savings he doesn't need right now or any unnecessary investment in his business, over providing for you and the baby. This is why it's SO important for women to marry before they have kids. Such selfish men tend to be the ones who want to avoid getting married so they can keep as much control over their money as they can.

Please do not touch your savings. His savings should certainly not be growing in this time if yours can't.

You both put your money (his earnings and your statutory mat pay) into one pot, take out bills/mortgage etc and then split the rest.

Appreciate he is trying to grow his business, but unfortunately your career isn't going to be growing in this period either.

You both make financial sacrifices during this time, it's the only way it'll work and you won't have resentment.

We did all money into joint account to cover mortgage, bills and food etc. equal amounts into our individual accounts for personal spending.

On maternity, both times we kept it that way. But we topped up the joint account from savings each month with money we’d put to one side for maternity leave.

We opened a joint account when I was expecting our first. Both agreed it would be utterly unfair for me to live off statutory maternity pay whilst he had his normal wage- whilst I was at home with our child.

Three kids in and married and we still don't share a bank account so it isn't imperative and it doesn't reflect on your relationship badly.

However, him thinking you can take time out to look after a joint baby and it not affect him is ridiculous. Is he saying he doesn't want you to have may leave past the first few months? What would half the childcare bill cost him if you returned to work at 6 months?

So either pro rate (he brings in 1k, you bring in 1k, you split 50/50. He bring in 1k, you bring in £500, you split 66/33 etc)

Or you calculate equal money left after bills paid

Or he gives you half the child care money and you finance your half from that.

3. My partner is very frugal whereas I like to buy presents, treats etc. We've always had our own money so have never had a problem with this difference between us.

I’m on mat leave just now and I’m finding this. I’ve been off for 5 months so my full pay has well and truly ran out and I’m on £650/700 per month. I had sent him £300 per month while pregnant for him to send me back each month after he was born so that I at least had £1000 to cover my own bills (my car, my car insurance etc), everything to do with the house, bills or food comes out the joint account and I have still sent in the full amount every month until now (£900 each). I won’t be able to afford to this after this month though. I feel like he’s giving me money like I’m some sort of skint charity case every time he sends me £200 or something. I really need to try to get rid of that guilty feeling though when I’m off to look after OUR child (I think I’m maybe just REALLY enjoying mat leave, hate my job and he’s the easiest baby ever so that probably doesn’t help 😂).

I’ve found I’ve bought way more since he was born, especially unnecessary clothes for him. Now I’m trying not to spend a penny unless it’s an essential but there is the odd thing that I have to ask him for money to buy. He would rather just give me money but I think it’s me who feels so awkward about it as I’ve been so used to earning my own money all my life 🙄

I am going to go back and read properly but basically just fucking no. If your partner wants a baby and doesn’t except his finances to change because you will take leave to be the unpaid carer he is not a good partner and best to split now. I’d say ‘we both wanted this baby now you tell me you thought you wouldn’t have to finance any part of caring for the baby. So how about you suggest : I’ll go back at about 6m, you stay home the second 6 months and keep paying your share of bills and costs of course, so we are still a team. I’m not your slave, and I won’t use all my savings so you can pretend you’re in a family while looking after yourself first.

If you are not married I think you should finance your own maternity leave if you have savings. If you didn't have savings that would be different. But up to you both to come to an agreement.
Please only read this comment to digest what sexist rubbish it is.

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

Invoice him for 50 % of the childcare you are doing..

This !

So let’s get this straight
He’s expects you to take 100 percent of the hit in your body for being your shared child into the world
Do the majority of the work
Take the hut to your career and finances
AND contribute the same unchanged amount

So let’s ask … what does he contribute here ?
Seems your contributing everything and nothing changes for him whatsoever career or finance wise

Probelm with this approach is that he is self employed so doesn't have a fixed income in the same way I do. Normally he will take out of his business the money he needs to pay his half of the bills, any other expenses he has, then anything else he wants to spend his money on and leaves the rest of the money in his business as cashflow and investment. So he doesn't know what his monthly contribution to that pot could be.

He needs to change what he ‘normally’ dies and pay a fixed contribution to household expenses - including costs of baby & childcare.

What is then left over is his to spend on himself or reinvest in his business.

It’s not complicated and he can do this.
Don’t accept less.

Please.

Who is the father of the baby

See you in 2 years when he's escalated the abuse further

@CrimbleCrumble1

If he wants you to continue paying half of all bills etc then he needs to pay you half of what a nanny or private nursery would cost.

Exactly this

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said. Combine all income (so his salary, your SMP plus anything else) into a pot. If he doesn’t have a fixed salary, he should decide the minimum he will be paying in every month and stick to that. Any short falls for bills/mortgage/baby stuff either come out of both your savings, 50:50, or DP can see if he can release more cash. Personal spending is separate.

Expecting you to use your savings alone while he keeps his money is madness. You aren’t his nanny, you are the mother of his child.

I'm in a situation where I am self employed. My wife is employed.
I'm pregnant, but my wife will be having the maternity leave. I will have some time off and can reduce my hours.
However I earn double what wife earns so even working less hours, I will still be earning more than what she would be if she was still working full time.

She'll be on statutory maternity pay.
I see it as I will cover the majority of costs, mortgage and bills.
I don't expect her to be paying the same or anywhere near what she does now. It isn't possible really. (Currently I contribute more due to my wage being higher).

Plus she will be taking time off work to look after our baby and putting her career on hold while she does this, which enables me to continue with my work (which I am glad about as I don't want to give up my self employed work). So I certainly don't expect her to use her savings to fund this.

I've been saving regularly in order to help finance this when the time comes.

We will probably need to cut back on treats etc that we have now but that's fine as long as the necessities are covered.

Interesting thread though as I've often wondered about other peoples situations when it comes to maternity and finances etc.

@AliceW89

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said. Combine all income (so his salary, your SMP plus anything else) into a pot. If he doesn’t have a fixed salary, he should decide the minimum he will be paying in every month and stick to that. Any short falls for bills/mortgage/baby stuff either come out of both your savings, 50:50, or DP can see if he can release more cash. Personal spending is separate.

Expecting you to use your savings alone while he keeps his money is madness. You aren’t his nanny, you are the mother of his child.

Although just thinking about what I wrote, this still leaves you vulnerable as you are not married. If you are both eating away at your savings, but he’s still able to build his business (albeit maybe a bit less than before), you are losing out on assets far more than him.

@CrimbleCrumble1

If he wants you to continue paying half of all bills etc then he needs to pay you half of what a nanny or private nursery would cost.

100% this

Also WakingFromDreams and her partner seem to have worked it out fairly based on what’s best for both of them and baby. I wonder whether your partner would be able to imagine himself in your shoes to such an extent. Hope so!

The difference between your usual income salary and SMP. He pays half that difference to you then you pay half your share of bills, mortgage etc. Half that baby is his so half of your financial loss of income is his.

So

(Salary-SMP)/2. He gives to you. From this + SMP you continue to pay 50% of all outgoings.