Splitting finances on maternity leave

[Caradel]

Hi,

My partner and I are struggling to agree how to split our finances while I am on maternity leave so I'm interested to know how others have split money when they've had a baby.

Our situation is:
1st baby.
We've always kept our money separate and contribute 50:50 to all bills, mortgage etc.
I'm Employed and will be on Mat leave for 12 months. I'll only get statutory mat pay.
Partner is self employed, no paternity pay.
(We earn about the same amount).
We both have significant savings and so I could continue to contribute 50% but I dont think that is fair. Because I don't want to come to the end of my maternity leave not having earnt anything and having spent a lot of my savings, whilst my partner would see no changes to his finances.

But I'm not sure what is fair!???

There are a few things that make this conversation more challenging..

1. My partner is trying to grow his business and wants to invest as much as possible into it.
2. My partner feels very strongly we should continue to contribute to the mortgage equally, regardless of what we decide to do with the rest of the bills/costs.
3. My partner is very frugal whereas I like to buy presents, treats etc. We've always had our own money so have never had a problem with this difference between us.

Looking forward to seeing how others have dealt with similar situations!

@RosieGuacamosie

All money (including bonuses) into one pot where bills, savings and joint spending are paid from. Equal amounts of personal spends transferred to each of us.

Frankly, I would not be considering having a baby (we don’t have kids yet) with a man who didn’t want to share finances. I find it pretty shocking people expect you to fund your own maternity leave!

Probelm with this approach is that he is self employed so doesn't have a fixed income in the same way I do. Normally he will take out of his business the money he needs to pay his half of the bills, any other expenses he has, then anything else he wants to spend his money on and leaves the rest of the money in his business as cashflow and investment. So he doesn't know what his monthly contribution to that pot could be.

I was the main earner by a huge amount, DH had no savings so I had to use my savings to make up my shortfall as his salary couldn't cover it. We did save jointly during the pregnancy though so used that first and then my savings later.

You need to pool your income on mat leave and you need to save jointly for the mat leave to make up the difference.

We can't have a physical joint account as DH has been bankrupt but we do pay all bills jointly and have joint savings, so it's pooled family money but without the actual offical joint accounts (his dire financial situation would screw my credit rating so we can't be financially associated).

@CrimbleCrumble1

If he wants you to continue paying half of all bills etc then he needs to pay you half of what a nanny or private nursery would cost.

This

My partner is trying to grow his business and wants to invest as much as possible into it.

You partner should have thought about the costs of having a baby and the impact on his finances before you got pregnant (assuming it wasnt one of those 'i was on 3 forms of birth control and still got pregnant senarios) plus what are his significant savings for...

My partner feels very strongly we should continue to contribute to the mortgage equally, regardless of what we decide to do with the rest of the bills/costs.
Maybe its time for ypu to feel very strongly he can split the maternity leave with you and you will cover the equivalent of your smp during his 6 months, whilst he pays his half of the mortgage

Honestly what I would do would be make your income back up to your full amount using 50%of ypur savings and 50% of his savings.

But be very very very careful op, he is already treating you like the default parent whilst his life goes on nearly unchanged. Before long if you arent careful you will be buying the majority of the baby stuff, and paying for childrens activities because he is frugal and thinks its unnecessary, doing all the time off with children because he is self employed and doesnt get paid, worrying about whether to go back to work and if it will cover child are costs, because they have somehow become your costs etc.

Get 50/50 share of the burden sorted now, that includes finances, time, effort etc. Make sure he takes his paternity leave even if it is unpaid, hes not going to lose as much money as you are going to have to lose over the course of maternity leave so he can take the time to look after you and be a parent.

My initial reaction is that your mat pay and his salary all go into a pot and that is used to pay bills & the essentials. You should both have an equal amount left over for treats, extras etc. Bear in mind you will need the odd £3 hear and there for a coffee at the baby group etc, he can’t expect you to spend £0 “because you’re on maternity leave”.

However, if you do want treats and so on beyond the agreed “family” budget for treats then you use your savings for that.

I also think it’s unfair that he is potentially building up his business while you provide free child care to his child and lose salary and since you aren’t married you will have no claim on that if you split.

So perhaps you should work out what a nanny’s salary would be on the hours you will be doing and he pays you half of that?

I don't understand why the cost of maternity leave, which benefits you, him and the baby, have to be borne entirely by you? It makes no sense. If he is unwilling to contribute, and you are only getting SMP, then I think you need to consider reducing your maternity leave and then going back to work asap, with childcare costs (and pick ups, drop off, sick leave etc) split 50:50 as it is currently.

I will never understand the view so many men seem to have that having a baby should only impact the woman in the relationship. Even more, I will never understand why so many women seem to have the same view.

All money in one FAMILY pot, as you are now a FAMILY, and you each have the same amount of spending money a month.

All child related expenses come out of the FAMILY pot, as the baby is half yours and half his.

And go back to work full time to protect your pension and future.

If he disagrees, then work out what childcare and housekeeping for 24 hours a day 7 days a week and invoice him his half.

What if the other party doesn't earn enough to cover the shortfall though?

In our case my take home at the time was around £3k, DH was around £1.5k. Our bills were about £4k. How could DH have possibly covered £4k of outgoings with an income of £1.5k? How could he have paid me for childcare so I coudl still pay my share?

Mumsnet is ridiculously simplistic about such things and always assumes the man is the high earner in these scenarios!

@megan2018 to be fair the op has said he has significant savings, the answers would probably be different if they had zero saving and precarious finances

@Megan2018

What if the other party doesn't earn enough to cover the shortfall though?

In our case my take home at the time was around £3k, DH was around £1.5k. Our bills were about £4k. How could DH have possibly covered £4k of outgoings with an income of £1.5k? How could he have paid me for childcare so I coudl still pay my share?

Mumsnet is ridiculously simplistic about such things and always assumes the man is the high earner in these scenarios!

He could've taken shared parental leave I guess but people here aren't realistic. They say the 'right' things that are 'fair' for women but the majority of the time it's just not practical.

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

As you discuss this with him do include future childcare costs, including the 3 months he won't be incurring because you are taking extended ML.

You need to get this sorted now, don't just fall into you paying half of the bills and all of the childcare.

Speak up, firmly.

Not just the bills and childcare, you need to discuss how all child related expenses will be shared. It often seems that men with this mentality expect the mother to pay for all clothes, equipment, and sundries for the kids.

[quote Caradel]@kitten789 I like this approach and it is something we have discussed. What method do you use to prorata?[/quote]
At the moment I'm on maternity but with full pay so I earn say £2k and my partner £3k per month (after tax). Say our bills are £1k per month I would then pay £400 and he would pay £600.

Soon I drop down to half pay so say I now earn £1k and he earns £3k I now pay £250 and he pays £750.

Then when I earn nothing for the last 3 months I pay nothing and he pays £1k

OP says that they earn about the same amount.

Her partner could perhaps use his savings to pay the OP for 50% of the childcare during her mat leave.

As they are unmarried it is unfair for him to grow his business at her expense.

@girlmom21 im pretty sure as he is self employed hes not eligible for shared parental leave

Honestly what I would do would be make your income back up to your full amount using 50%of your savings and 50% of his savings

I agree with toomany whatever your shortfall is it is made up from both of your savings account.

As to how we did it, married, discussed it before pregnancy, funded my usual contribution from my maternity pay plus our joint savings. Any baby stuff was paid from the joint account.

[quote Toomanyradishes]@girlmom21 im pretty sure as he is self employed hes not eligible for shared parental leave[/quote]
I was responding to @Megan2018 about her situation

If he disagrees, then work out what childcare and housekeeping for 24 hours a day 7 days a week and invoice him his half.
The problem with this is that the OP can invoice until she's blue in the face but if he doesn't want to pay it, he won't.

Wow, no you should not have to use your savings for Mat leave. He wouldn't be able to be a father if you didn't have his baby and take Mat leave. Everything on Mat leave is a joint expense. We are in a similar position. I'm due to start my first mat leave in April. We both currently earn similar (take home about £2100 me and £2500 him plus he gets days away which are paid extra). Currently our mortgage, cars and household bills are split 50-50 and come out of a joint account which we pay into equally each month. We share food shopping and eating out expenses but that's on a more casual basis of one week he buys the food shop the next week I do. Then we both obviously spend our own money on clothes, haircuts, going out etc.

I will also only get statutory maternity pay. We have opened a second joint account where each month we will both transfer in everything we are paid. So his contribution will be about £2500 (but more when he's had bonus days) and mine will be the crappy statutory £600 a month. From there, the approx £2k to cover our mortgage, cars, council tax, utilities etc will be paid into the joint bills account to cover all direct debits. I have approx £100pm of my own direct debits so that will be paid to my account and he has about £300pm of his own dds so that will be paid to his account. We will then have £600pm to cover food, petrol and expenses. It's going to be extremely tight and we're both used to juat spending so we have sat down and done these calculations together and are aware for this year we will have to suck it up, no treats, buying clothes etc.

If I want to take the full 12 months im considering taking £600 out my savings for the last 3 months unpaid to cover my "contribution" for those months as we can't cover our bills and eat on just his wage but thats all I think is reasonable to take from savings.

I think it's also worth having a conversation now about expenses for the baby, during AND after mat leave. Clothes, equipment, formula, baby classes etc. can really add up and I've known a lot of women who end up paying for those things themselves from their own money.

Sorry @girlmom21 I totally misunderstood that!

@Viviennemary

If you are not married I think you should finance your own maternity leave if you have savings. If you didn't have savings that would be different. But up to you both to come to an agreement.

What if the OP said she wanted to go back to work the week after the baby was born. Her partner would have to pay half the cost of a nanny.

Why should he pay nothing because the OP is doing all the childcare? He either pays the bills or pays the OP to provide childcare for 'his' hours.

If you are not married I think you should finance your own maternity leave if you have savings. If you didn't have savings that would be different
So only married men should support their partner and child?
He has no responsibility at all?
Pool your incomes and divide what is left, but tbh you don't sound compatible with very different outlooks on money.

Why does this feel like the foundations of financial abuse?

It already feels like the OP's partner feels she's solely responsible for the baby as he's expecting her to do all of the childcare for those first 9 months and contribute 50% financially.

Is he going to split everything brought for baby eg equipment,clothes,toys,food,gifts and childcare fees 50/50?

The "you should both contribute 50/50 to the mortgage" is a red flag as it says to that he's saying "if we split I don't want you having any of the money I've paid into the house even though you took care of our child whilst on maternity leave and earned less".

I'd be concerned that he doesn't see you as A.equal in the relationship B.A secure long term option.

He's not one of these man who doesn't believe in marriage is he?

@thenewduchessoflapland but she shouldn't do all the childcare.
If finances are equal so is childcare. So she does childcare while he works. The rest is split.
Housework is split.
If they pay equally on everything then everything else needs to be equal tools

too not tools, obviously!