More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

Thanks @Justilou1.

We’ve had a bad weekend with the storm we had no power yesterday and none today until 6.00pm. I really feel for those who have to wait even longer to be reconnected. I got the uniforms ironed for tomorrow and will do the rest of the ironing tomorrow.

Friday night I had an excuse for not sleeping. Last night not so much though, and it looks like the rest of tonight will be noisy too.

Am still finding all my responsibilities weighing really heavily on my mind at the moment. Unless it’s my brain turning off the sort of autopilot I think I’ve been on this last while, and I’m starting to realise where I stand. Is it stupid that I feel this way? Is it normal? I’m not even sure I’m making sense!

I’m feeling out of sorts with myself too - my hair, my skin, everything. I’ve even gone backwards s bit and thought if I’d been thinner/prettier/younger etc things would’ve been different and I’d not be here now trying to do everything.

I’m such a whiner tonight.

x

I can understand why you resent having 100% of the the responsibilities thrust upon you. I think if you’re honest you probably had that before, but you’re now feeling the weight of it all. I guess he contributed more financially though… Dastardly and Muttley are great names for those two. I like the visuals. I can see her sniggering as she kicks his aging carcass to the curb because she wants “more from life” when he’s all decrepit.
I’m pleased your power’s back on. Must have been cold and vile!

I’m feeling out of sorts with myself too - my hair, my skin, everything. I’ve even gone backwards s bit and thought if I’d been thinner/prettier/younger etc things would’ve been different and I’d not be here now trying to do everything

Oh god, I remember those thoughts too op. They'd nag away at me, if only id been prettier, slimmer, given him more money for his hobby, had more sex, had longer hair, he'd not have had an affair - it's awful and does nothing for your self esteem. I told my friend my thoughts and she said to me 'look 2dogs, you could have farted rainbow dust, and been a fucking supermodel, and he'd still have done it!, you know why? Because he's a cunt' I think the same sentiments apply to your situation too

@2DogsOnMySofa

'look 2dogs, you could have farted rainbow dust, and been a fucking supermodel, and he'd still have done it!, you know why? Because he's a cunt' I think the same sentiments apply to your situation too

Nicely put - and SO true!! 🌹

However you feel at any given is normal legs, don’t try and add that to the list of things you’re worrying about It’s an emotional washing machine this process, your heart is getting pummelled and thrown all over the place for a while, but hopefully it’ll come out the other end with the worst of the stains washed out.

As for why he did what he did? Can’t put it any better than 2dogs’ friend!

I can’t say I wish I’d never met him because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have these glorious DC. But I wish I’d had them with anyone but him.

My background is similar in that I feel I wasted a lot of years with useless ex. Yet like you I have glorious children. Perhaps I would have had children with someone else but I want these particular children that could have only come via the relationship with useless ex.

I still hate the nights. Maybe one day I’ll just go to bed and off to sleep with no problems.

Dogs are brilliant companions and bed buddies.

Thank you x

Sorry I’ve been quiet - after the power came back on my phone provider decided to do work in my area, so the signal has been on and off, on and off…

Thank you so much. I can always rely on you.
@2DogsOnMySofa you’re right, of course you are. My sensible head tells me so. I believe it most of the time, but there are those other times when I don’t!

And @TreasuredMim yes, about the particular DC. That’s it exactly. You said it so much better than I tried to.

DD4 preparing for university and being so excited has brought into sharp focus that in two years it’ll be DS’s turn to go. Then I will be really, properly alone for the first time since I was twenty. If I think about it, it terrifies me. I don’t want to be on my own. Mr NM is lovely, but I don’t assume anything about how our relationship might be even a few months ahead, let alone in two years.

This is why I hate ExH so much. He put himself first for so long and didn’t give a toss about what would happen in the future. But it’s getting closer and he has Muttley to keep him happy, whereas I may quite possibly have, well, nothing…..the DC of course but that’s not the same as a boyfriend/partner/call it what you will. The selfish cruel bastard.

I am feeling quite scared tonight, just in case you hadn’t guessed….

x

I am feeling quite scared tonight, just in case you hadn’t guessed….

There's no need to feel scared Legs, you have been through the worst, faced your fears and are on your way to healing, though it may not feel like that.

Strength will come with time, it's so difficult to make changes especially after being in such a long marriage.
You have to work through all these emotions, fear, hate, resentment and more.

These negative emotions will eventually burn themselves out..... eventually.

What I admire about you Legs is you don't lie, you tell it like it is, keep doing what you are doing, let it out, he deserves his slating and her.
If it makes you feel better to rant to us, well that's what we are for.

Again I second the dog idea.

I can't imagine how false his life must be.
Astonishing.

Take care.

Agree about the dog. When you have one of them you will realise how utterly bereft of genuine empathy that gargoyle was.

Oh Legs, you're doing so well. So so well! Even though it might not feel like it sometimes.

You'll always have your kids, even when they're not living directly under your roof. Floppy Dick and Mutley have... what exactly? Would you really want to be in their shoes?

Don't think you'll always be alone, because if the last 2 years have shown you anything, they've shown you that (a) you never know what's around the next corner (b) you're far stronger than you realise and (c) you've got an army of women behind you.

You'll continue healing as time goes by, and I'd agree with pp that a dog will help you in every way possible 🐶 x

Dogs are wonderful, I agree. But it's important to bear in mind that they can tie you down, sometimes quite a bit. It's not so easy to just take off for a weekend, let alone a week long (or more) holiday. Trips need to be planned in advance to either take the dog or arrange overnight care.

If you have family or friends who would happily dog sit for trips, go for it. My son and DiL try to take their dog with them, he has more air miles than I have! But they also have a dog-sitting 'co-op' with a few friends and they all exchange dog sitting for holidays. DH and I RV so our dog travels with us.

But if you would have to put your dog in a kennel, it does bear thinking about as far as how much time you plan to be away or visit 'not dog friendly' places and how frequently that would happen.

I'm shocked that you think he has more than you. You've got the love of your children, a lovely relationship with them, your self respect, your dignity.

He has.... what?

Would you honestly rather be him?

This, this, this! I've posted a few times under different user names and this is what I think the whole time. His life sounds just awful, it really does. You have so much more of what genuinely matters. His sounds empty and full of mistakes and estrangement.

Always avoid worrying 2years ahead.

Things will be different by then.
You will be different by then.

It is hard to feel optimistic about the future when you are feeling bad but keep pointing out to your midnight self that you just don't have enough information to base your worries on yet😁

Thank you all so much x

Deep down I suppose I don’t want to be him do I. I’ve got more than he’ll ever have. The pair of them are just not worth any of my time.

I spent Friday night with Mr NM. I could’ve stayed last night too but DD4 had to be at work for 8.00am today and I just knew I’d never be able to get out of bed in time to get dressed and drive back to pick her up.

I felt very safe while I was with Mr NM. Even though we hadn’t been together since the end of November he had no expectation of sex. He just wrapped me up and loved me. It’s hard to explain but that’s really just what I needed and he seemed to know it too.

I woke up on Saturday we were still together like that. I remember just lying there feeling so relaxed and everything just went away for a while.

Reading that back sounds so cringey but it’s how I felt.

@AcrossthePond55 you’re right about dogs being tying. In two years’ time though I might be a reclusive old lady who doesn’t need to worry about leaving her dog because she never leaves home. Alternatively if I do have any kind of life I’m hoping DD3 could step in for me. She too might have a very different life then though, so who knows…?

Onwards….

x

Would you consider dog walking/dog minding Legs?
It would allow you to be around dogs, give you a reason to get out walking, get to enjoy their company as and when you want, but without being tied down. As you have no idea how exciting your life could be soon 🙌🏼 and you don't want to be held back x

@MoreLegsThanMe

In two years’ time though I might be a reclusive old lady who doesn’t need to worry about leaving her dog because she never leaves home.

Now you know that reclusive old ladies have cats. Lots and lots of cats!!!!

Alternatively if I do have any kind of life I’m hoping DD3 could step in for me. She too might have a very different life then though, so who knows…?

Or maybe she'll have a dog and you will have the benefit of playing and spoiling a 'granddog' when she goes on holiday.

Yes, who knows what lies around the corner for any of us. All I know is that for you, it's bound to be so much better than what you left behind the corner you just turned.

You could try becoming a foster dog mum. My friend did it for a while until she failed and didn’t give the dog back. She volunteers at a breed specific rescue and they need people to have dogs on short term basis sometimes waiting for operations or just to give them a break from kennels

Thank you x

The dog ideas are so good. Something to add to the list of things to think about.

I had a message from DD1 this evening to say that ExH had visited them over the weekend. Mainly because her DS was asking to see him (he’d seen his paternal GF over Christmas). She says she told ExH that’s why she’d greed to the visit and he wasn’t forgiven. She also says he’d visited DD2 and her family, although I don’t know when, basically for the sake of her DC too.

I have no reason to be sad, but since that message I have felt awful. Both that they allowed him to visit, and because of my reaction. I feel like a stupid child, but I feel let down. It’s so fucking ridiculous and I have no right, but I feel like that. It’s like he’s wormed just way back in with his own family and with my DC.

I’m very annoyed at myself too for feeling this way but it’s like I can’t help it. Right at this moment I feel like it’s just me again. I can imagine the two of them laughing at me because he’s been to see the older DDs and is probably feeling relieved and happy that he has. It almost feels like I have nobody on my side now.

This sounds like a massive temper tantrum doesn’t it. I really hate myself for overreacting like this but I can’t lie, it’s how I feel.

Maybe too I’ll have calmed down a bit.

I feel very stupid admitting this to you.

x

So so tough Legs. As long as you don't say or write anything to any of your children whilst you're feeling this way, then go ahead and rage. Their relationship with their father is complicated but it is no reflection on their relationship with you or how they feel about you.
You have to step away from their relationship with him. Their feelings for him will be different to yours, I'm sorry but he's still their father. Yes he's been an arsehole and yes he's treated you all appallingly but it is their right to figure out how they want to go forwards. You've respected this so far, it's just their wishes have chimed with yours for the most part. They obviously realise this stuff will upset you so haven't rubbed it in your face, but are also trying not to lie to you. They are trying to sort out how they feel now that more time has passed. Their outrage and anger will be different to yours.
Please stop torturing yourself by imagining how "they" are behaving. Your DD made it clear that he wasn't forgiven, but life has to move forward. You are doing so well, yes this hurts, but this was probably going to happen eventually in some way.

It's like I always say, your feelings are your feelings and you're entitled to feel them until you don't feel them anymore. This too will pass. And yes, I agree with above PP, feel your feelings but 'smile and nod' to your DDs.

I think it speaks so highly of you as a mother and of your relationship with your children that your DD1 told you he'd been there. She obviously trusts you and feels so secure in your love for her. And I'm sure DD2 was waiting for the 'right time' or that she 'deputized' her sister to tell you.

I think it was sort of inevitable they'd open the door a crack for him for their own children, especially if the children had been asking after him.

I get why that is so difficult for you @MoreLegsThanMe. On one hand, you are a lovely person and of course you want your Ex to have a good relationship with your DC. On the other hand, he’s totally fucked you over and you’d like him to be banished from all your lives forever. I would feel exactly the same way. Don’t beat yourself up over it, you are doing marvellously well. And, I am a big believer in Karma. She keeps all scores and she’s one patient, nasty bitch. I have no doubt that your ex is going to find life with Muttley and his relationship with your DCs to be not at all as he imagined…….

He’s going to lose his children, properly lose them, and he just doesn’t seem to get it. Should I contact him and tell him he needs to? But it’d be like talking to a naughty child, not a man nearing sixty

Hi legs, this is a quote from you on your very first thread.

His relationship with the dc will never be the same, but you know it’s the right thing however much an arse he’s been.

Your dc are not betraying you. They know you are the bigger and better person. You know you can not deny your dgc a relationship if they want one. But you are the one they love and respect. They still despise what he’s done, the meetings sound like they are a bit awkward actually.

This is quite an important thing to get past so it’s a good thing to happen now when you are generally in a better place. At some point you will have to tolerate being in the same room as him and maybe even her for the sake of the kids. Weddings etc.

Sending hugs you will get past this.

I agree, they do not seem like lovely get-togethers. Really quite awkward arrangements