More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

@Justilou1

Failure would be dying more each day that you stayed with him, not realizing that HE was the one with all the problems and you’re just damn fine without him. Failure would be teaching your kids to expect or accept nothing better than you tolerated for so long. Failure would be to keep burying yourself in this hopeless morass of shame that he placed you in so many years ago to cover up his own shortcomings. You have clawed your way to the top and though your nails are shredded and your fingers are bleeding you MUST be able to see and feel the power you have gained in such a short time. I would consider you a success already, but you need to bring yourself to the point where YOU see yourself as one too.

Absolutely all of this! Hope you are doing OK today @MoreLegsThanMe 🌹

You could, regarding the duvet/linen issue, buy yourself some beautiful linen and a complimentary blanket/quilt that you can keep folded down when it's warm and then use when it gets nippy. We are 4.5 tog year round due to DH getting migraines if he overheats so we have a variety of blankets (plus I add in pyjamas if it's freezing 😁).

I'd buy TWO duvets, one for winter and one for summer. You're worth it. And I'd store the one HE wouldn't have had on 'his' side of the closet. Just because it would have pissed him off to see it there.

But I'm petty, me, and like sticking those imaginary little pins in the imaginary voodoo doll. Or better yet, get a real one. BFF did and we spent a few drunken nights sticking pins in it. And when her divorce was finalized, she threw it in the fireplace and burnt it to ashes.

Thank you x

Yes @Billybagpuss I am going to look at the divorce as the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. It’s just that I spent thirty-eight years thinking that the chapter would end with the death of one of us, rather than in the way it has.

I am tempted by the idea of two duvets that snap together to make one. I’d never heard of those. I think I might stick with a new 4.5 tog though. I am still having these horrible night sweats and I think a warmer duvet will only make them worse. Not showing any signs of them easing off yet.

@Justilou1 I really don’t think I’m any kind of success you know. I’ve done what I’ve done because there was no option. I’m used to having nobody around in RL but this has all made me sometimes wish I did. I still do really, when I’m having bad days. And I really really wanted someone when we were all so ill. I wouldn’t dream of weighing down Mr NM with any of it. He knows a fair bit for sure, but it’s not his role to be my therapist or someone to bore with all my troubles.

I’d like a close friend to confide in, all that kind of stuff, but I think I’m a bit old now to be finding that kind of friendship.

I do know though that I’d be nothing at all without your support. Thank you again for it. It means so much.

x

I honestly don’t think you’re ever too old to develop that kind of friendship @MoreLegsThanMe. You’ve been trained to keep everything to yourself because you were hiding your ex’s behaviour. You took the burden for that on your shoulders because his absolute unwillingness/inability to be accountable for his own actions would have affected your children and how you saw yourself at the time. You thought you were protecting him, but in reality you probably kept people at arm’s length so that they couldn’t see the holes in your marriage and peek through them into the truth.
This whole part about considering yourself a failure is something you really do need to explore in therapy. It is the egocentric agenda of yours (to not appear as a failure), that you had to fight so hard to maintain the appearance of a happy marriage (even to yourself - when you MUST have known that both of you were flailing.). Once you accept this and own it, you will feel less of a victim. You need to recognize your part in hanging in there and your own reasons for doing so. Once that is done, that’s half the work done too. You can free yourself from that victim mindset and accept that you made your choices and move on from there. That is the painful part of regaining your own centre of “power” (for want of a better word…). You will get there and you will liberate yourself from that way of thinking.

You're never too old to find a new friend. Obviously it's difficult to find a friend from nowhere, but a new hobby or club would be the best place to find a like-minded friend (at any age)

Thank you x

See @Justilou1 I really really didn’t think there was anything wrong between us until the first affair. At that time ExH’s dick still worked and we were having sex regularly. His lies were spectacular and he never got caught out. That affair floored me. I really wanted to be dead when he told me (in a note of course, you don’t think he’d tell me to my face).

Even this last time, he told me he was moving out on a trial separation basis and I had absolutely no idea of what he was really doing. Of course by then there was his dick problem. By the time he left it’d been going on for ages and there had been no penetrative sex for eight years. I truly believed that we’d separate, he’d get the problem sorted, and he’d come back. I’m sure I’m not in denial or anything like that.

Reading that back it seems that the main problem in the marriage was my complete naïveté. I trusted him absolutely and unconditionally and look at my reward.

It’s killed my capacity to trust though.

I’m quite a shy person @m1shap3 and not sure about walking into a class or something. Unless it’s something DD3 could do with me!

I did of course have friends, and a best friend, until I married and moved away. He wasn’t keen for me to have any friends though, so I gradually became more and more insular.

I don’t make a habit of looking forward any more. I still sometimes feel relieved that I’ve made it through another day. But I do look ahead two years to when DS leaves for university and I’ll be totally alone in the house. It all seems a bit pointless after that tbh, all the DC will have flown the nest. I don’t feel as though I’ll have any purpose after that. Am I making sense ?

I can’t say I wish I’d never met him because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have these glorious DC. But I wish I’d had them with anyone but him.

One day I’ll type a post full of happy things and telling you all how great life is in general. But feeling that way seems like so many years away, if ever.

I do need to pull myself together tonight don’t I!

x

Morning legs.

I actually think there are more positives in your post from last night than you realise.

I can see from your posts over the last year that yes you are a shy person. But you are strong (even arseface told you that) and you have done some things this year that have taken incredible confidence and bravery.

You’ve got a nm, and he’s the second one you’ve dated.
You applied and followed through on the divorce.

Going to a class is actually a good aim for you, find something you are interested in, as for bravery once you’re out your front door it’s halfway done. Back in the first thread we talked about maybe getting a dog? This would be a good option for improving your confidence as dog walkers always talk to each other, they only ever know the dogs names never each others. Baby steps to find yourself and carve out a life you can enjoy when the dc have moved into adulthood.

@MoreLegsThanMe

If you've not yet treated yourself to a duvet, can I highly recommend a wool one. Firstly it's stitched in channels, so the filling doesn't congregate at the feet end, you're not perpetually shaking it back. Secondly, we find it toasty warm in winter and pretty cool in summer - it seems to allow a greater range of heat regulation. The pillows are brilliant too. My top tip is keep an eye on the factory seconds, my duvet had dirty marks which merely sponged off but I saved about £40. Baavet wool duvets And I love the fact they're made in UK.

Hi Legs, I honestly would try to join a new hobby/class/club alone. Firstly, (obviously I don't know your DD3), but you need to go to something that is of interest to you and not try to find something that suits both of you, as well as trying to find something that fits around her schedule as well as yours. But also, once you do start to chat to people, I'm sure you'll find you can be more 'yourself' when you don't have your DD there too. You're much more likely to spark up a friendship when you're alone, I promise.

Thank you x

@Billybagpuss I remember talking about the possibility of a dog. I’m still thinking about it and it’s probably better that I’m doing it this way than just having jumped in there last year and got one..at least that what I tell myself!

I don’t think I’ve done anything that took confidence and bravery. It all felt like it was what I had to do. Nobody could do it for me so I was on my own. I’m glad that part is all over.

@Ariela think you so much for the recommendation - I’ll look at those duvets tomorrow. I think I’m going for a white and pink theme. Girly and childish probably but it’s what I want.

And @m1shap3 I think I will go alone to a class or do something. DD3’s contract runs out at the end of April and she’s looking worldwide for a new job, so is highly likely she won’t be living anywhere nearby once she gets sorted. I think I can do it, it’s just what to get into.

DD4 took her first mock exam today. There was no teacher around so she just took the paper from his desk, sat in the office, and timed herself. Then nobody turned up to take her paper away so she just went back to his desk and put the paper back for him! Very informal.

DS did PE for the first time since we were poorly. It wore him out so badly that he needed a nana nap when he got home.

I managed to talk to Mr NM for a while tonight. We just need to find another weekend together but it’s not the easiest thing in the world, what with all our various commitments. It will be worth it when we do see each other though, and I can offload and relax.

Have you noticed I haven’t mentioned ExH at all tonight??

x

Fabulous post Legs, really upbeat.
I have every faith in you that you can go along to try something new.
Is there anything you are interested in or would like to try?

Further to my last post, a lot of C25K groups are starting up at the minute, for the new year.
I didn't do C25K but I did join a running club, where I have met friends. This club also does the C25K a couple of times a year, and each group has a fab time on the journey together, and lots stay friends after.
Some come back to do it again after not running regularly for a while, or some end up helping the next group after they've graduated. It's a really nice community (and free)

Thank you x

Sorry I’ve been quiet yesterday and today.

I don’t know why, except today (January 10th) is the first anniversary of ExH finally leaving, for good.

I just feel very sad and scared and lost. And sorry for myself.

I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ve gone back to January 2022. And I know I can’t do that again.

Sorry.

x

You need to stay positive legs, and look at how far you have come in 12 months. Be rejoicing that the bastard has gone and he's not telling you lies anymore. He's let you be free to move forward and find happiness.

He will end up a sad and lonely old man, I bet my last pound.

He might pretend to be happy now with his blow up dick and the tart, but it won't last. And you're so much better off without him.

Have you been able to arrange to see NM yet? X

Anniversaries are bound to be tricky Legs, be kind to yourself. It will get better - remember you’re not really back there, it’s more like watching a video of it. It will bring back those feelings for a while yet, but you survived them at their worst and going forward they’ll be like ripples or echoes, and get fainter as time goes on.

I wouldn't look to the future Legs as being so fixed.

My children have left home, come back and left again, life is never a constant, there are twists and turns, not lonly for you but your children.

They know they can return, you being the responsible caring parent will mean so much to them as they make their way through life.

You are the stability and the backbone of your family, dependable and that is something he has not done, how could they respect that.

There is nothing trivial to making your home, the loveliest place to live in with as many comforts as possible. The dog idea I think as well would be a lovely addition to your new family dynamic.

Do you think the children would like one, would there be any help with it?
They are an enormous comfort, a talking point and an excellent replacement for men, well in my opinion

You are doing well Legs, that well people mention you on other threads as an inspiration, you have been through so much and are coming out the other side.

Believe me, many of us on here are not doing anything more exiting than you, nobody is, we are just muddling along with our little distactions that bring us joy.

As times goes on those joys will increase for you and you may find your appreciation for things will return when you arn't even noticing it.

Take care x

I think our imaginations go a little overboard when you're looking in to someone else's life. It's a bit like Facebook - you only see the good stuff as that is what they choose to post. His reality is that he has lost you, his children, and a home and is stuck in a flat with no job. Karma is a bitch isn't it!

You've come a long way on your journey. It's not over yet and there's going to be days when that hill seems vertical, but you'll make it.

Sometimes the key to letting go of feelings is just to 'feel them' for awhile. I've found if I do that they sort of just drift away and I can get on with things.

Just because one has made the right decision to move on with life and create one's own happiness, that doesn't mean we don't grieve for things that are in the past, even the 'not so good' things. They sneak up on all of us at times. Feel them, but don't dwell. Tomorrow is another day.

Thank you all so much x

Yes, a year today that I found the message from her on his watch and he was off. He left it until the very last minute to tell me and of course I now know that’s because he’s such a snivelling coward.

It still hurts to sleep alone though, if I’m honest.

@Onthedunes the dog idea is still high up on my list. DD4 and DS are more than old enough to help out with/come on walks etc, grooming, everything. Then when they are both away at university I will still have a constant companion!

@Icanflyhigh I was hoping to see Mr NM this weekend or next, but he has contact this weekend and next weekend is hoping to spend time with his adult son who has autism. I do miss Mr NM, but I’m not going to be needy about it. I enjoy the relationship we have, as it is, and we both know how hard it is when you have commitments. But did I say I miss him?!

I do find myself “feeling” the feelings, and just letting them come and wash over me. It’s hard still, but getting easier. I remember going to bed this time last year and I was literally stunned. Shocked. All the other feelings landed later but I can just remember lying there telling myself to breathe in and out.

At least that part of my journey is over.

Thank you all for picking me up again. I’m sure you’re far kinder to me than I deserve!

x

A year and a day, you’ve done it legs.

Hope you’re able to do lots of things for you over the next couple of months. I’m yet to find any daffodils in the shops but the ones in my garden are all pushing there way through so will be a glorious display in April. Just wait when the spring comes I doubt he’ll be occupying your thoughts much at all. You may not need us anymore.

What are your plans for your garden this year.

Thank you x

I think I’ll always need you all to be honest. Maybe not posting every day, but just to know you’re still there for me. Needy or what!

This year I think I need to concentrate on the grass more. All I really do is mow it. It’s full of moss and no doubt come spring the weeds will start springing up. I used to use Green Thumb and it made such a difference, but then the guy with the franchise sold it on and the few times they’ve “treated” it since I’ve been very disappointed, I’m pretty sure they are watering the weed killer (and whatever else they use) right down so it goes further. Any ideas @Billybagpuss ? You seem to be a garden person so I could do with any tips you have.

DD4 has her first university offer which came through late this afternoon. It’s asking for high grades but that’s not beyond her at all. Next stop, offer holder day!

Mr NM had his Covid booster yesterday morning (Moderna, which is what I had too) and by the late afternoon was in bed with a raging fever and terrible aching. All I got from mine was a sore arm. Not like the killer sore arm I had from the Pfizer jabs. It’s so strange how everyone reacts differently isn’t it.

I’ve barely thought of ExH today but of course now is the time I take a nosedive and start wallowing..I still hate the nights. Maybe one day I’ll just go to bed and off to sleep with no problems. I sleep so much better when I’m with Mr NM. I think it’s just the comfort of another person next to you.

I had to really think earlier. I thought the June “trial separation” departure was June 2021. It wasn’t of course, it was June 2020. I can’t believe it. Two years ago. Is still hard sometimes to take it all in.

x

I found daffodils 😀 Tesco yesterday.

I used to use green thumb too but the arrival of billypup 4 years ago turned my lawn into the dark side of the moon. It’s slowly recovering as she’s getting older and I’ve let her have a compost bin to dig in. She spent this week ‘pruning’ my raspberries. I was talking to the green thumb chap last year and I think the wildlife garden phase (hopefully not a phase) is hurting their business quite badly.

With our front lawn last year we went for the no mow/minimal mow option to encourage wildlife. I was actually quite pleased with the strip we didn’t mow at all. I’ve also planted winter aconite in it so am hoping for some nice early yellow flowers for the early bees. The back garden I rake the moss out then just keep it mown I’m a lot less worried about weeds than I used to be. Any really obvious bully ones I just dig out and just sprinkle some grass seed over the patches. but we’ve also got a lot less lawn than we used to have.

Thank you Billy x

I was out de-mossing today. It was sunny but windy and I don’t get much pleasure out of gardening in wind. I pulled up a fair bit but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that all over. I think I’ll look for the new Green Thumb person, see what he says. Roll on spring so I can get outside properly.

Spoke to Mr NM this evening which was nice.

I can’t really remember how I felt this time last year, other than desperate. I wonder if our brains block out really really bad stuff so that we can carry on. There are times I think I’ve done so well to keep going and keep life on an even ke for the DC, but other times I think, well, that’s all I’ve done. I haven’t actually achieved anything.

I’m envious of your daffodils. I always think they look so cheerful. I’m going to Asda for a few bits and pieces tomorrow and my logic is that if Tesco have daffs, so will Asda!

Tomorrow is also DD4’s virtual parent evening. This will be the very last one for her. I think back to her first ones at primary school, with me perched on a far-too-small chair, and I realise how quickly that time has gone. It seems like yesterday I rushed to school straight from work so I’d not miss seeing her workbooks and everything. Now she’s preparing for university..all the excitement to come and ExH will play no part in it whatsoever.

x

Hi Legs, hope today has been a good day x