More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

Thank you x

DD4 has her second offer of a university place. It’s lovely to see her excitement. She does however have her heart set on Exeter - DD3 went there and it’s a beautiful campus. Lectures in the morning and barbecues on the beach in the afternoon. I’d do it!

It’s a very long drive though. Especially the journey there (or back) that needs to be done when dropping off or collecting, and you’re alone. I’m so glad though that her offers are coming in.

It’s things like this that I miss sharing with ExH. I know that Mr NM and his ex remain close, especially regarding their DC, and I’m sure they’d be able to chat about it and so on. I do envy them that, I really do.

I’ll never have that with ExH if I live to be a hundred.

I wish January was over. It’s a horrible month generally, but now I hate it with a passion. I have no idea how I made it through January 2021, but you all had a big hand in that.

I feel like I’m wallowing a bit again. It definitely doesn’t happen as often though and like wise PPs have said, I just let the feelings come, wash over me, and then fade further and further into the distance.

x

Well done to your DD4.

Talk to us about Mr NM, Legs. What is he like, what is he into? Do you have any upcoming plans with him? X

Thank you x

Mr NM works in cybersecurity. He’s tried explaining in more detail but it just goes over the top of my head…mainly from home but there’s an office about 45 minutes away and one in London too. He says he prefers wfh and always seems very disciplined about it.

Out of work he likes to travel, which explains our weekends away. He writes music and plays keyboards, and does graphic design for fun too. He’s clearly very clever and I do wonder what he sees in me - total opposites attract maybe. And he can cook.

He’s kind and gentle and gives the best hugs. He knew how nervous (well, petrified) I was the first time we had sex. He was just so sweet and kept asking me if I was alright. Totally different to what I was used to.

He has many friends and the relationship with his ExW that I’ve talked about previously is friendly and they’re good mates.

In short he’s just a decent kind man. Probably like an awful lot of men out there, but still he came as a surprise to me. I’d like to see him a lot more of course, but we both have commitments and responsibilities that more or less trump everything else at this point in time. I’ve certainly not declared true love or anything like that, but I do care for him very much.

I’m going to try and mend a broken bit of fence tomorrow, with DS as my apprentice (he doesn’t know it yet). I’ve also got a couple of new bathroom units due to arrive by 1.00pm, so they’ll need putting together. I looked at ready-assembled ones but the prices were astronomical. I’ll be a regular DIY-er no less. Left to ExH these jobs would never have got done.

Keeping busy still helps me stop thinking. I thought maybe I’d be over that by now, but I’d far rather be busy than sitting about. Too much opportunity for my mind to wander.

I wonder if there will ever come a day when I genuinely don’t think about ExH? I can’t imagine that just yet.

x

I can’t really remember how I felt this time last year, other than desperate. I wonder if our brains block out really really bad stuff so that we can carry on.

It certainly does. There was 'an incident' with my ex that happened whilst I was on the phone with a friend. A few months later she gently brought it up as an example of why I needed to get out. I insisted it had never happened and she must have been dreaming then got upset and said she was lying. She dropped it, God bless her, and never mentioned it again. It was 4 years later, after the divorce, whilst in a counseling session that I realized that it really had happened. She got a huge apology from me to which she replied "I knew you'd get there, someday". So yes, there are probably many things that your mind has buried away. Things that may or may not 'surface' down the line.

I wonder if there will ever come a day when I genuinely don’t think about ExH? I can’t imagine that just yet.

Yep, that will definitely happen. And also, when you think of events in your past he will cease to be part of the 'main focus', but will be a 'vague blur' set over to one side. At first my memories of my year of living in Europe was spoilt because he ended up being the main focus of my memories. What HE was doing or saying at 'XX thing'. Now, he's not even in the picture anymore and my memories are about ME and what I was experiencing.

Mr NM sounds gorgeous and a decent sort. I am happy that you found each other!

Likelihood is you will always think of him most days, but not dwelling on anything. There will just be something that reminds you of him, but all you will feel is mild irritation. Or nothing even, maybe just the same feeling you'd have if you remembered an old colleague (who you wasn't all that fussed on)

Glad NM is such a sound guy!
He sounds like a real upgrade on ExH.

Just a thought.
If OW had never appeared, +you were still with ExH , would your life have been so much better than it is now?

You have suffered much to get here. I am hoping that you have gained in some ways.

If nothing had changed:
-ExH would still have his limitations (even with his pump he would be the same selfish 'lover').

-You might still have thought he was a good husband and not known how little you all really meant to him... and how much he meant to himself.

-You would have had no idea of your own strength and determination.

-You would not have known how your children see their parents and what you (their mum) have built with them all. Their love for you shines through this last year.

• The NM experience would not have happened. A great loss.

Perhaps there are already a few ways in which your life is now richer. Here's wishing for many more by the end of this year.

Yes, it seems your life is definitely richer Legs

Thank you x

I did once think that bring with someone, anyone, was better than being alone. To some extent I still feel that way but I also now realise it depends on that someone. A relationship that’s built on lies isn’t worth having is it. Even if one if you is lying and the other has no idea.

I have no idea what will happen with Mr NM. I love it when we’re together and I do trust him as far as I think I can ever trust anyone now. He’s said from the start he won’t lie to me.

ExH used to lie to my face and claim he wasn’t lying!! It goes to show how gullible I really was. I hate that trait. I’ll never let it get the better of me again.

@LostMyLastHatfulOfWords those billet points really resonate with me. Thank you. The second one especially rings true. I would have continued to think he was a good husband and father. In turn he would’ve still been poring over those foul websites and biding his time..and I’d never have known. What a class A fool I’ve really been.

@AcrossthePond55 thank you too. I’m sure I have blanked stuff out. I do remember in glorious technicolour the moment I found out about each affair. Time almost seemed to stop. But other things, I’m sure there are many.

Eldest DD and her husband have both now tested +ve. Her DH is fine other than a few sniffles. She on the other hand has spent the day in bed feeling very poorly. I wonder if bad cases run in families because it has for us.

Tomorrow I hope to have the two new cabinets in place and filled. Sounds stupid but every time I replace something it’s like another little bit of his DNA is gone forever.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe you are TOO hard on yourself, much too hard. If a friend’s husband had lied to her, cheated etc, would you call her gullible and a class A fool? Im sure you wouldn’t. You would feel sympathy for her, you would despise her vile husband. Find some sympathy for yourself, forgive yourself for believing his lies and deceit. You’re a kind person, an honest person and you never expected your husband to be such a shit based on your standards - that you thought he shared. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend or one of your children 💐

I echo @goody2shooz. You are nobody’s fool and you’ve more than proved that. He’s the fool, not you.
Ignorance is not the same as foolishness or stupidity. No matter how intelligent or savvy you are, you can’t know something you don’t know. Nobody can. It’s impossible.
Once you had the full picture about him you knew exactly what to do and at no time did you behave foolishly. You were strong, decisive and wise in the face of a horrible shock and awful treatment by a cruel, manipulative liar. Until he showed you who he was and everything was revealed, you did not know. You couldn’t have known. Nobody should be called a fool when they had absolutely no idea what was going on. You are no fool. He is. X

The fool is the one who betrayed your trust. (Why should you or anyone- have to be suspicious of the man you/they married?)

I fell off the thread but managed to return in time to say that the idiots were the woman who fell for Mr Pneumatic and the silly old git who thinks she’ll hang around and wipe his wrinkly, floppy arse and pretend to be interested in his “Inflatable Toy”.

Thank you x

You’re so right. If it was a friend or one of my DDs in this position I wouldn’t feel like this about them. I don’t know why I feel it about myself quite honestly. I think I’ve always blamed myself for things since I was little, so quite naturally this was my fault too.

It’s really interesting though and something I will give a lot of thought to because now you’ve drawn my attention to it, I want to know why it is I do it!

I did my practical jobs today. The new bathroom cabinets are in and I’m just waiting for the special rawlplugs so I can put the towel shelf up. Hopefully that will be later today.

Also today DS goes to the orthodontist to have his brace tightened so he’ll be really sore come Wednesday.

I like being busy. I’m looking forward to the spring when I can get out and be busy in the garden. It’s when I’m not busy that I start brooding and feeling sorry for myself. Like at this particular moment..

Why does it always happen at night?

x

I think you need to look to your background for reasons @MoreLegsThanMe. You were probably raised to never question the Menz. They had to be romanticized and put on a pedestal. (And believed.) Also chosing to believe rather than face reality is less painful.

You’re clearly a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for - installing bathroom cabinets etc! So you have practical skills and common sense on top of your emotional strength. You really do deserve to see yourself as the amazing powerful woman you actually are, instead of whatever filter you’ve been taught to put on your mirror.

Thank you x

I’ve been thinking about this today and I do blame myself for many things. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I think when I was a child it was maybe easier to just take the blame for something so it could just be forgotten about and it was out of the way. And I’ve just gone on from there. I’m not sure it’s something I can ever change now but maybe I can watch for it happening (if anything big ever happens again) and see how I react.

@Sunbird24 thank you. I really don’t feel powerful at all. I font have that high an opinion of myself!

I do sometimes just feel so lonely though and that’s really hard.

DS had his brace adjusted this afternoon so now he’s suffering and is on paracetamol, ibuprofen and iced water. It always takes a day or so for him to acclimatise. If he’s rough tomorrow he can stay here and spend the day revising. DD4 is also off. She only has one lesson and the teacher will not be in, so she’ll be revising too.

I’m still having these awful awful sweating episodes at night. I think the time has come for eConsult, see what the GP can suggest. It’s bad enough when they hit and I’m alone. The thought of lying there in a pool of sweat next to Mr NM is mortifying!

x

I’ve been having the sweating thing too, the menopause swears had past but they came back again after I had the covid jab, and I’m not the only one of my friends that have found it.

The post-COVID sweats can last for a few months according to an article I read today. It’s not a one and done virus like the chicken pox, etc.

Sending you a very unmumsnetty hug, Legs. You’ve come so far in the last year, absolutely, there will be difficult times ahead, but just look back on the evidence of the last year for how well you can cope and the new strengths and skills you have gained.
Some of us are really self critical, whether it’s nurture or nature, I don’t know, probably like most things a mixture of the two! We are amazing at offering compassion to others, but rubbish at speaking to ourselves compassionately, heck there’s a whole “compassion focused therapy” that has developed, Paul Gilbert’s book, Compassionate mind is worth a read if it interests you, along with lots of resources at www.compassionatemind.co.uk/

@MoreLegsThanMe saw this and thought of you.

* [Edited by MNHQ to remove pics] * **

Sorry I didn't mean for the 3 pics , just the last one and I don't know how to delete the post ☹

@nearlyshitmypantsthere - I was just going to flag your post to you as one has personal info in, although not identifying. If you select Report from the header next to your name you can ask MN to remove.

I've just reported your post @nearly in case you don't notice for a while so hopefully screenshots will disappear.

@TheWeeDonkeyFella thank you 💐