More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

This is your safe space to rage and rant and say exactly what you want and feel - and none of what you have said is unreasonable at all.
Keep it here, keep your safe space and maintain the neutrality where the DC are concerned. They will realise in the fulness of time x

Thank you x

I thought I was in for a real telling-off after posting that. Thank you for being so understanding.

I’d never say or write anything about how I feel to any of my DC. My usual answer to questions about how I am is “I’m always alright” and I’ll just carry on in that vein. I’ve tried to analyse myself to see why I feel this way but I can’t say what I feel for sure. I definitely don’t feel as raw as I did last night. I guess I just felt in some stupid stupid way that I’d been let down, that it had always been me and the DC against the world, and now he’d wheedled his way back into their lives somehow. I don’t know if they’d have talked about what he did (he wouldn’t if he could’ve got away with it) and I’m scared if they did he’d have come up with lies and more lies about it all being my fault. I feel I want to know every word of the conversations they had, but it’s not my business. He stayed the weekend with DD1 so it’s not as if it was just a quick hour-long visit and then he left. He was there being fed by them, sleeping in their spare room.

I’ve read that back and it’s truly pathetic. Isn’t it. I sound like a spoilt child.

I was busy today cleaning out the garage. I humped heavy boxes around and swept and tidied. I broke up a storage chest that had been kept outside and killed by the bad winds we had. I was filthy when I finished and I’d cut my hand and was aching. I didn’t feel much sense of achievement. Instead I just thought look at me. A complete and utter mess. Dirty and wearing scruffy clothes. I don’t even feel like a woman. I want to be told to leave stuff for someone else to do, that I look pretty or smell nice or any dumb compliment like that. To get flowers delivered as a complete surprise, anything really.

Instead I’m all things to my DC and if something needs to be sorted/mended/cleaned or whatever, it’s all 100% down to me. Whilst that cheating bastard sits on his useless arse in the Beautiful Home.

I have Mr NM, of course. But I don’t see him as often as I’d like and I don’t think I’d want him to see this petulant, brash me anyway.

What the fuck is wrong with me today? I don’t like it, it’s not me.

I’m so sorry x

Sounds like he's missing authentic family life to me Legs

He's probably going through the stage of being resentful that it's all about her kids.

He's not as happy as you think.

As they say you can't have everthing and I think he's beggining to realise that.

Take care.
xx

Hey Legs, sorry to hear you've had another crap day. I used to take Magnesium as a mood leveller, I'm on the pill and apparently that depletes your natural levels. So it was amazing, made me feel sane again. But stopped and haven't taken it daily for years however went through a phase of feeling paranoid about friends and crap about myself. My SIL recommended Magnesium and Star Flower Oil (easy to get at the supermarket) it really felt like it worked and levelled me out again. So really I don't care if it's a placebo effect but it got me back on an even keel so might be worth looking into. I have some days now when I get really anxious which is utterly not me (probably peri menopause) so should probably think about taking them again, but I concur with the knowing it's not how you normally function and how horrible that feels.

Oh, Legs, of course you feel like you do. It's entirely human of you. I think most of us on here though are picturing this visit, and his other interactions, as probably very awkward and difficult occasions. Nothing like the relationship you have with your children. There is simply no chance that your children will believe any nonsense from him. This is being done for the sake of the grandchildren, and that shows your children are decent parents, but if your ex has any emotional sensitivity at all (who knows?) he will have found these visits pretty unsatisfying.

That makes absolute sense @MoreLegsThanMe… But did he buy you flowers before and tell you that you were pretty? Why do you think that’s happening with Muttley? He can’t afford flowers! If he DID buy you flowers, etc, do you honestly think he was expressing genuine feeling or maybe attempting to assuage his own guilt?

Thank you x

I’m more myself today, although I’m still awake far later than I should be. I was messaging with Mr NM earlier and that took me out of myself a bit.

@Pashazade thank you for the magnesium tip. Definitely something to look into I think.

And @Justilou1 no, he never did buy flowers or say anything nice about me. It’s just kind of a daydream I have now and again that someone will do that for me. He very rarely bought anything for anyone if I’m honest. I get the impression that he spoils her though, although I’ve no idea why I think that. If he’s on benefits she must be shouldering the costs of the Beautiful Home, food etc etc all alone. She must be so deluded. What exactly does he bring to the table apart from his blow up dick. I wonder if she ever resents paying for virtually everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if she filled his car up before he went to visit my DD1. He’d have been happy to let her do it too.

I planted some primroses and hyacinths today so they should be looking cheerful soon. I also bought car shampoo which can mean only one thing. It was much much too windy today to do it, so maybe Friday or the weekend.

I have DD4 to pick up from school tomorrow, as it’s one of her early finish days. I’ve got done prescriptions to collect too. Little things but they keep me busy and distracted still.

Nothing helps during the nights though (unless I’m with Nr NM). I wish I could just drop off each night and stay asleep til morning. I’ve never understood how that rat bastard could just go to sleep in seconds. Presumably he still does.

But at least I feel better than I did this time yesterday.

x

But at least I feel better than I did this time yesterday.

Small steps in the right direction, @MoreLegsThanMe 🌹

I think you need to remind yourself that you have created a fantasy world in which he spoils Muttley as another tool to drive yourself deeper into a wallowing despair. You can’t possibly know this to be true. It’s actually highly unlikely. The reality is more likely to be that she is resentful AF, and wondering how to get out of the hole she’s dug for herself living with a self-indulgent old fart with a blow up dick.

She must be so deluded. What exactly does he bring to the table apart from his blow up dick.

Classic case of 'sunk costs fallacy'. IIRC she walked out on kids and a marriage. I'm sure her exH wouldn't have her back now on a silver platter and she's no doubt deeply affected her relationship with her DC. She doesn't want to admit that it was all a terrible mistake or hear about 'karma'.

Thank you x

@Justilou1 you’re right. I do create a fantasy world for them to live in. All the destruction and pain they’ve caused, nine DC, me and Muttley’s husband, and (although I’m not sure they count because they’ve not been affected at all) four DGC. Surely they must be living the best and happiest life in their Beautiful Home, because if they’re not and it’s just an endless treadmill every day like it is for me, what was all that for? Why swap one workaday life for another? It must be flowers and fabulous sex and contentment because if it isn’t what a fucking waste it’s all been.

Does that make sense even?

DD3 tested +ve today. She has a bad headache and sore throat but other than that she’s not suffering too badly, fingers crossed. She has an interview coming up on Monday and wants very much to do well. She had an interview last week too and was offered that job the same day, so that’s a bit of good news.

I’m not sure how much she keeps ExH updated about her life in general. It’s the same with DDs 1 and 2. I feel so much better within myself after my meltdown earlier in the week and can understand a bit more that they may want to keep in touch with him. The only thing that gets to me is the possibility he’s lied to them about what happened. I won’t ask them because if he has, there’s nothing I can do about it other than tell them he’s lying. I don’t think they’d be taken in by him but he’s so manipulative l wouldn’t put it past him to try. Like I’ve said earlier, I wish I could hear every word of every conversation he’s had with them. I wish I knew how he justified what he’s done.

And I do believe they’re quite possibly stuck with each other. He can’t afford to pay the rent, she must be doing all that. If they split up he couldn’t stay there presumably because she’d want to. He have nobody on earth to turn to. Nowhere to go. So he’s basically there now until he goes into a home or dies, regardless that they may fall out of love and start resenting each other. It’s pretty pathetic isn’t it.

When I read back stuff like this it makes me realise I am moving forward. Very slowly but forward all the same. Like a big old tortoise.

x

Even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment, you have done the right thing by not asking your older children to 'chose' between you and your ex H.

My father left my mother for OW when I had just turned 21...my older brother was 22, younger brother 18. My mother did emotionally blackmail us all into cutting off all contact with him. She made it clear she would see us staying in contact with him as a huge betrayal. As she'd been a SAHM and he'd worked abroad for the previous decade, we felt our loyalty lay with her... It didn't help that she shared every single detail of their marriage and divorce and bad-mouthed my father every opportunity she got...

That was 32 years ago, my mother is 80 and she's even more bitter and angry towards my father than she was in the beginning, still slags him off to us constantly. It's horrible. She's not pleasant to be around and has lost a lot of family and friends because of it. As the saying goes 'it's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies'...

I'm not even sure now if my father is still alive... he married the OW and if he is still alive, he's been married to her for 6 years longer than he was married to my mother. I know that if I did get in touch with him my mother would find out as she stalks both their social media constantly and she would make my life hell. I'm LC with her, too - I've not seen her now in 13 years as I deliberately moved to the other side of the world, and my older brother is very LC with her.

Don't be like my mother...it would be such a waste.

I won’t ask them because if he has, there’s nothing I can do about it other than tell them he’s lying

You don't need to ask them. They know you and what kind of person you are. And they've seen what he's capable of. No one deserves to be treated as you were treated and they know that, too. He could be Santa Claus and that wouldn't change your children's opinions of both of you, nor the love and respect they have for you. OK, so maybe they still 'love' him as their father. But they certainly don't respect him. And they probably don't 'like' him very much, either.

You aren't like a tortoise. You're like a phoenix, rising from the ashes.

You are like me Legs, I've never expected any forms of outward displays of loyalty against their dad.

It's pointless and hugely disrespectful of their intellegence to make them choose sides. Your children know the score, they are adults but they are also tied with blood, and for them to hate their father would be partly to hate themselves, they have his DNA.

Every child wants the perfect parents and coming to terms that they don't have that in one or sometimes two parents is very hard to accept, especially as for so many years everthing appeared to be ok.

I think the only thing you can do is be there for them and understand it is as much as a betrayal for them as it is for you, it will take time for their confidence to return in themselves and their confidence in trusting their dad. My own children started trying to find excuses for my h's behaviour, health reasons etc but that has lessened.

Your ex has lost a lot, he is getting older now and his priorities I can guarentee will change, soon enough the very things he took for granted, his grown family and grandchildren will be his focus and ironically he will resent you for never having to fight to for that in your life, you have remained constant, you have never abandoned them.

Like Queenie says, you are their strength and stay.

Thank you x

@noirchatsdeux your story is so sad. And to think your mother still holds on to her hate even now. Thank you for sharing it. It’s very sobering to see what can happen.

I can say I have never ever badmouthed ExH to my DC, even when I’ve really, really wanted to. I share nothing whatsoever with them about what happened. If they asked, I would tell, but they don’t. They know the basics of what he did and that seems to be enough for DD4 and DS (at least) to have completely cut him off. DD1 says she allowed him to visit for the sake of her own DS. DD2 seems to have done the same. DD3 said she didn’t want to start 2022 without getting some kind of closure for herself, so she saw him. Whether any of them make seeing him a regular arrangement I don’t know. But I’m not sure they will.

Should I live to eighty I think my hate will keep me going too. I hate him and Muttley for what they’ve done. I hate them with a passion, I really do. I’ve been surprised just how I feel but nobody sees it or knows about it, except you all. I feel pathetically proud that I haven’t said anything bad about him to any of the DCs. From the outside I look perfectly normal. Nobody could ever guess what’s happened.

@AcrossthePond55 yes, I’m sure none of the DC have even a modicum of respect for him, and I’m sure none of them like him either. I’m always there for them if they want to talk. I doubt they’ll ever trust him again. He doesn’t deserve their trust.

And @Onthedunes you’re also right. I’m sure he will resent me and my relationship with my DC as he grows older. Should he ever have a “relationship” with any of them again is so doubtful isn’t it. He’d have to work very hard to try and build any kind of bridge. He’d never be able to do it. He’d rather sit back and whine to Muttley about how I took DD4 and DS away from him, and that I poisoned all five of them against him. I’m sure he believes that story because he’ll tell it to anyone who asks.

Having said all that though, what’s the betting he’s fast asleep right now wrapped round Muttley, while I’m still wide awake. I’d give most things to go to bed and fall asleep and stay asleep. I envy his ability to do that…

x

@MoreLegsThanMe

Having said all that though, what’s the betting he’s fast asleep right now wrapped round Muttley

So maybe he is. But it's a lying cheat wrapped around a scheming home wrecker. It's not a very pretty picture when you really think about it. Maybe you're wide awake, but you're wide awake with a clear conscience and an honest heart.

Legs, you don't know he sleeps well at night. He probably doesn't x

@MoreLegsThanMe - your hate is logical, but I know you are capable of love. I can read that into the way you describe your kids, and I can read your need/desire for being loved when you describe how you feel after being with Mr NM. One day you WILL be in a place where you will trust that you are seen. Really, truly seen. You will allow yourself to be valued and you will believe it. You will ultimately be grateful that you were released from the brittle, glass, projection of the idea of a relationship that was your marriage. You will be open and safe.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Having said all that though, what’s the betting he’s fast asleep right now wrapped round Muttley

Nah, my bet is he's lying there , awake, listening to Muttley snoring thinking, 'shit, what have I done? how can I get out of this situation'

@MoreLegsThanMe It’s interesting that you prick yourself with the idea that the two of them are living this charmed life in their beautiful home, sleeping lovingly entwined every night. Really huh?! You lived with him for years, you know that’s not who he is. He never bought you flowers or thoughtful gifts, he is not a kind and loving man - so why do you think he has completely changed personality now? He hasn’t. He is unpleasant, was unpleasant and always will be. Tell that little niggly voice in your head to stfu, every single time. Can’t sleep for it? If you won’t lie there and list all your good points/skills/abilities then may I recommend an imaginary garden refurb, or go through every item of clothing you own?! Anything but deluding yourself that he has miraculously turned into a wonderful human being!

Nah Legs, I bet they're both boring the shit out of one another.

Neither of them sound like the Brain of Britain.

I can't imagine the stupidity that must be in that house.

Take care, you have so much to offer Legs, your conversation should be shared with more people, get out and about, you'll know what I mean then.

Actually, he will know deep down that now he isn’t working, all he brings to that relationship is his impending decrepitude, an unreliable and now mechanical willy and extra financial responsibility. He would be surrounded by kids doing the “You’re not my real father!” power play any time he tried to assert any control in his own house, and know deep down that Muttley will be scanning the horizon for a better provider.

Work on your fantasies legs. Why create a lovely (imaginary) world for your ex to live in? Just think realistically about what he is like and imagine a more likely one.

Remember the unchanging spots of the leopard.

Move from the fairy-tale and towards the kitchen-sink-gritty-drama.
More likely and much less painful.

Thank you x

You all are so wise and everything you say makes perfect perfect sense. So it could well be that he’s just swapped life with his DC and me for a life with Muttley, her DC (in whatever combinations they live there) and a two bedroomed flat he doubtless barely contributes to. Wow. I need to be careful because I’m almost starting to feel sorry for him.

And I really do have a clear conscience don’t I. I’m as far from perfect as you could imagine, but in this at least I know I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t. It helps to know that. Thank you for pointing it out @AcrossthePond55.

I’ve ordered some melatonin to see if that will help with my sleep. I’ve seen it get good reviews across various sites so decided to try it at least. The sleeping tablets the GP gave me right at the beginning had little to zero effect so I don’t know if the melatonin will help or be like they were. Still, fingers crossed.

DD3 had her job interview today and said it went badly. They also told her they are interviewing right across the week, so she was the very first interviewee. Not the best position to have is it? She really really wanted this job so I’m already braced for her reaction on Friday/next Monday.

She is still testing +ve for Covid but said it’s taking the result longer to show up and the line is fainter, so hopefully a couple of days more and she’ll be clear. Her headache had gone away but came back after her interview..

I also need to contact DD2.I haven’t heard from her since DD1 told me ExH had visited her. I wonder if she feels embarrassed that she hadn’t told me, or scared I’ll be angry. I just hope he hasn’t told her something untrue and that’s why she’s so quiet.

It doesn’t matter how old DC get, does it. Always something to sort out!

x

I came back to chat to you about whether you might have been projecting this “fantasy” life onto those eejits because you are also fantasizing about what YOU want from a relationship… It would make sense, (because he’s really your only frame of reference) and you’re not yet ready to see that this happy, loving ideal of a relationship could be an expression of your own desires. You’re obviously not quite able to see yourself there yet. I think you ARE opening up, @MoreLegsThanMe.

I also think your kids know the score and your DD is afraid of seeing you upset. If you’re all breezy and let her know that you understand and she doesn’t ever have to justify her relationship with her dad to you, I am sure she will see you as the evolving adult woman you really are.