More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

you're welcome

@MoreLegsThanMe, maybe it would be a useful exercise for you some night when you’re struggling to sleep, to list all the things you’re good at. All the good/nice/interesting characteristics, abilities, skills, knowledge etc etc that you have. All the things you’ve achieved over your lifetime/ the past year/last week even - you choose! Make an effort to be kind and generous to yourself, praise your achievements, skills. Try and drown out the voice that tells you you’re anything but a damn fine human being!

Thank you x

Thank you too for all the information about night sweats, and for that article extract @Nearlyshitmypantsthere. I’ll keep trundling along for a bit longer without bothering the GP.

@goody2shooz I’d struggle to think of things I’m good at tbh. I don’t have any talents or anything like that. I could give you a long list of things I’m bad at though!

DD4 has just about decided on her university of choice and we’re just waiting for the offer holder day details. I’m not sure if I should say which one it is - I’m not particularly bothered about being outed or anything like that. It is a long way away from here though. I’ve told the older DDs that they must not tell ExH as it is her choice that she doesn’t want him to know and I would be very very upset if it did get back to him. I’d feel like I’d betrayed her trust. I think that’s why I still haven’t told my FIL or SIL. FIL is very elderly and could easily pass it on to ExH without thinking.

I got the bathroom towel rack up today. I’m getting better at DIY I think. I was proud of it. Nearer spring I’ll put up some outdoor planters too.

DS had yesterday off as was quite swollen and sore after his orthodontist check. It seems to be that it’s going to be like this every time. He came with me to DD3’s house in the afternoon and the three of us built her new bed (not sure if I’ve said previously that her idiot housemate managed to break her old bed, then said she wasn’t buying her a replacement as it was an “accident”).

Reading all that back makes me sound so boring doesn’t it. I wonder if ExH and the Smurf lead anywhere as boring a life as I do, all cosied up in their Beautiful Home…

x

I think that’s why I still haven’t told my FIL or SIL. FIL is very elderly and could easily pass it on to ExH without thinking.

And IMO you are right in your thinking. Your other DDs 'get' the situation more than Wimpy-with-a-Limpy's family ever could. To FiL & SiL it may just be 'family news' that they assume he already knows or will be told soon.

..... makes me sound so boring doesn’t it

You know, there is a lot to be said for boring. Boring is peace. Boring is calm and as a rule doesn't cause stress. There have been a lot of times in my life that I've prayed for 'boring'.

Good qualities are like chins, or bums, everyone has them but it’s easier to see other people’s than your own… Still think you should try, even if you only write down one thing each day or have to ask someone else to help you get started! It might sound silly, and feel difficult, because we’re so often brought up being taught that recognising your own positive attributes is somehow bad, and actually articulating them makes you a ‘show off’, but you really should start treating yourself as you would anyone else you love. You do deserve it you know…

@MoreLegsThanMe - there is also the theory that if FIL and SIL gave a shit, they’d call or text and ask about it themselves. It’s not like you’ve ever told them not to.

Thank you x

I’ve decided I’ll tell SIL. Apparently ExH occasionally emails her but talks mainly about football. For fuck’s sake. And it’s come to me that if he wants to know where DD4 is going he can ask her direct. If she chooses to ignore him (which she will) he can take what he likes from her silence. No doubt he’ll just whine to Chucky that his DD is ignoring him still. He’s either too thick to get it, or he gets it and feels ashamed and embarrassed. My money is on the former.

@Sunbird24 you have it exactly. Making a list of qualities is akin to showing off for me. I’d have no problem with anyone else doing it, and would probably try and help them add more to their list, but I don’t think I’d be very good at it. I will say I’m patient though. Is that a start?

Spent some time last night talking to Mr NM which was nice. Hopefully we can spend the weekend together the week after next. We haven’t seen each other since 1st December, so it’s been a bit of a break..

I sometimes think I’m doing okay. An outsider would have no clue about what’s gone on. But I do sometimes feel so very lonely and wish I was with Mr NM. It’s much worse at night when I could really do with being held.

I don’t even know if feeling like this is normal? I mean it’ll be two years in June since ExH left. I long for the time when I never think about it or him or them any more, but I’m scared that time won’t ever come.

I’m rambling, sorry.

x

Patient is a good place to start, you most definitely are that. With regards to the timing, it takes me years to get over the end of relationships, and none of mine have been as long as yours or involved kids, so don’t feel like there’s some timetable that you’re supposed to be on and you’re falling behind, it just doesn’t work like that. Trust in your heart to get there when it’s ready. (If it helps at all, you’re already doing much better than me, I’ve only been on one date in the 4 years since my last relationship broke down!)

Reading all that back makes me sound so boring doesn’t it. I wonder if ExH and the Smurf lead anywhere as boring a life as I do, all cosied up in their Beautiful Home…
I don't think what you described is boring at all. I think it sounds an impressive list of achievements, putting up a towel rail then assembling a new bed with your DC, all working together to ensure DD3 has a bed to sleep in. You are practical, competent, hard working and clearly a fantastic and supportive Mum who is there for her DC. You are amazing and don't you forget it.

You’re still doing so well, Legs. Keep paddling. One day you will get to the end of the day and realise you haven’t thought of them at all. They’ve become insignificant.

Are your oldest DD’s in regular touch with your Ex-H now?

Thank you all so much x

@PorpoiseWithPurpose I know that DD1 doesn’t really keep in touch with him. The last time I know for sure was before Christmas when he asked for her bank details to send money and she told him not to bother. She is a very assertive woman and says her feelings about him haven’t changed since day 1. DD2 I’m not so sure. She may be in touch but if she is it will be irregular. DD3, as you might remember, had him to visit with her in her new house not long after she moved in. She told him how she felt for her own mental health. Since then, I don’t know.

With all three of the older ones I find myself really wanting to know when they hear from him and how they respond and whether they are forgiving at all. But I know it’s neither my business nor my place to ask. They’re all adult women and their relationship with him is between them, not me. It’s very hard not to ask though!

DD4 and DS haven’t spoken to him in over a year. That looks awful written down, I know, but they’re of an age (DD4 18 this year and DS16) to decide themselves aren’t they? I can’t influence them one way or the other. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t.

The lack of contact is shocking. He should be trying his best to effect some kind of reconciliation, surely? He messages now and then so he can tell Muttley he’s been in touch and the DC haven’t replied. The ball is in their court. I imagine he feels hellishly hard done-by, whereas it’s the DC who’ve been badly treated. He’s so thick he won’t see it like that. He’ll be thinking he’s doing everything he can to keep in touch with them but the truth is very much otherwise.

And Mr NM sees his DS every other weekend, school holidays, you name it. His DS can FaceTime whenever he wants to. That’s the kind of relationship I wish my DC had with their father, but I can’t ever see it coming.

I spoke again with Mr NM tonight which was lovely. I always feel better when we’ve been in touch. It keeps me going almost.

I went for a walk today because it seemed a shame not to in such lovely weather. I need to nip out tomorrow but other than that I’ll just be pottering I expect.

Boring, boring.

x

You’re being very unfair… he sent squooshed, wadded up cake from HIS birthday, remember? *Narcissist, much?

I'm guessing that the kind of relationship the DC will have with their father now and in the future, will be based on the kind of relationship they had with him prior to him leaving, the manner of his leaving and how he treated their mother.

Thank you x

@Justilou1 oops I forgot the cake! And the smashed up cookie too.

@RobertsRadio you’re right of course. Which means they’ll barely have any relationship with him going forward. Which is immensely sad as I had always thought he loved the DC as much as I did. His actions have shown otherwise haven’t they. He loves himself first and foremost.

I went through my phone earlier tonight and there were a few photos of him still on. I’ve deleted the lot. Made me feel better. Still some to go through but if I find anymore of him they’ll go too.

DD4 received another university offer this evening. That’s three out of her five. Even though she’s made up her mind already she still gets excited when another comes in. Gives her a little lift of confidence I think.

I just need to try and sleep better now. I’m not able to drift off for hours and hours, then I wake up around 5.00am. I’d like just to be able to fall sleep quickly and easily and then wake up feeling great, just like all those mattress adverts.

Sleep is the next thing for me to sort out. It just seems harder than everything else.

x

Hi legs

I think it’s right to delete photos of him off your phone but it is worth printing a couple out cheaply and hide them in the loft for a family history point of view. Your grandchild and great grandchildren will be interested in years to come. Tell them what a git he was, you could even write it on the back. My bastard exh it’ll give them a giggle in 50 years time.

Hi Legs, think I've probably mentioned this last time you said you were struggling with sleep. But my DM (who hates taking anything unnecessarily) finds that a Night Nurse every now and then helps her have a wonderful sleep.
Maybe you don't need to take it regularly, but once every now and then to help you get at least one regular decent sleep?
She said she goes straight off a little while after taking it, and sleeps through and feels great the next day x

Hello @MoreLegsThanMe

I just need to try and sleep better now. I’m not able to drift off for hours and hours, then I wake up around 5.00am. I’d like just to be able to fall sleep quickly and easily and then wake up feeling great, just like all those mattress adverts.

Have you tried drinking camomile or valerian teas just before you go to bed? Tea bags are fine but if you can get the ingredients from a herbalist and make it to your own strength preference that might be better. The times in the past I've used valerian I've used capsules as I can't get on with the smell!

Alternatively consider buying a white noise machine with several different sounds/settings and fall asleep to those. In the past I've fallen asleep to white noise (for my tinnitus) or the sound of the sea - very soothing. Good luck!!🌹

Your DD4 sounds like an utter credit to YOU @MoreLegsThanMe. What a resilient soul to push on through all of this and do so well!!! You must be so very proud of her!!! (And she absolutely should wallow in those feelings every time she gets another acceptance! *Frame them for future dark days!!!) LimpBizkit certainly can’t take credit, can he? What did he provide? Literally crumbs.

I know this goes against every bit of sleep advice, but when my mind won't rest I put the bedroom TV on to some very boring documentary and set the sleep off button.

Most documentary narrators have a soothing monotone voice and I pick a subject that really isn't super interesting. Enough to be distracted from my worries, but not interesting enough to keep me awake.

I have learnt a bit more than I care to know about bridge engineering, though.

I listen to bedtime stories on my phone (screen covered up though), it’s probably quite similar!

I use Headspace and Calm apps, Headspace you can set for up to two hours and I find Andy Puddlecombes voice really soothing. Sends me to sleep, after a bit of relaxing and meditation.
Calm has Sleep stories as well, I particularly enjoy The Velveteen Rabbit.

@Sunbird24

I listen to bedtime stories on my phone (screen covered up though), it’s probably quite similar!

I'm sure it is! I'm blind as a bat so when I have the TV on to put me to sleep I take off my glasses so all I'd be able to 'see' is a soft blur if I looked at the screen. As it is I just roll over and close my eyes.

Have you tried alphabetical lists to help you to get to sleep legs?
I do a group that is a place I’ve been to, a book I’ve read, a tree or plant, and a poem.
But you will have your own groups, of things that interest you. Do give it a few tries legs, it takes your mind off things that will upset you, or worries you can do nothing about at 2 o’clock in the morning.
Sleep tight.

Thank you so much x

So many good ideas! Is hard to know where to start. But knowing I have something to try gives me hope that there will be something that works.

Is so odd that I don’t really have sleep problems when I’m with Mr NM. Maybe I just need another body next to me. I almost wish for the times the DC were tiny and I’d sleep in with them.

And it’s made worse that I know Dastardly and Muttley have each other. I guess I just really like physical contact.

DD4’s first offer holder day is booked, for 26th March. We’ll travel down the day before, do the whole day, then travel home that night. I’m not looking forward to the driving, but it will be nice to see her reaction to the campus and what she thinks about the tours and talks. When DD3 did her offer holder day there her department did a mini lecture which was the last thing we did before we left. A lot of people didn’t attend it but we were both glad we did. It made up her mind and she had her laptop out in the car accepting the offer before we were even off the campus I think.

I have an essentials crate for her and will start putting stuff in every time I go shopping. It’s still hard to accept she’s even old enough to be going away.

DD3 has two interviews lined up for next month (her current contract comes to an end in April). One she’s not too bothered about, but she really wants the other. Trouble is, so will all the other interviewees………fingers crossed.

As ever, thank you so much.

x

Audiobooks and podcasts are great too @MoreLegsThanMe (says she on mumsnet at 1am… Menopause is great, said nobody ever.)