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Original poster

Husband of 9 years has relapsed? What to do about contact with 8 year old son

101 replies

Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 13:27

My husband of 9 years has only been clean from substance abuse a few months. We have a child together who is 8. Once proven clean and in therapy I allowed him back on a firm final chance. There was a lot of depression during his substance abuse which turned into emotional abuse onto me during that time. Since coming back he’s been utterly fantastic. However last night whilst alone together he went to smoke a cigarette and I immediately knew he was using again & after hours of more lies he admitted it. I am thinking court mandated contact with our son in a centre if he wants to put that effort in & otherwise nothing whatsoever. He drove with our son less than 24 hours before taking it again. I don’t think this was the first time either. He’s been in therapy for weeks 1 time per week and comes out telling me I’m not supportive enough & therapy makes him realise a lot of negative things about me. However I have never had substance abuse problems and value my life and health and also have some pretty serious health conditions to deal with myself. Before he used last night I had even spoken to him of how much that time effected me as going into a new year is a little emotional at times. I am so upset and disappointed. I’ve already removed him from our family home which is only in my name. He drives recklessly also regularly not with our son but with me and I beg him to stop ect a lot of adrenaline focused behaviours. I am heartbroken all over again but knew giving this final chance came with risks and I was willing to try one final time. I am truly done but where do I stand with contact for our son? What do you guys think? Just to add they’re really close and a fantastic relationship and he’s an amazing father (somehow) the best I could ask for to be honest but it’s the only reason I’m finding this decision SO HARD.

OP posts:
Wreath21 · 01/01/2022 13:35

I'm sorry, this sounds very upsetting. I think you will have to arrange supervised contact for the moment - no court will compel you to allow an active addict with form for DUI to see a child without supervision. Do you have any other family members who you trust, who would be willing and able to supervise? If you do it yourself, this man may spend what is supposed to be contact time for your DS whining for another chance or becoming angry with you.

Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 13:39

I genuinely don’t feel it’s appropriate that he even see’s him for a good length of time now, he’s still dealing with his addiction which I thought he had and was handling. If I allow our son to see him even supervised at his parents it makes it to easy to not face the real consequences as it was contact at his parents the first time I found out and kicked him out. So I feel I don’t want to do that again :(

OP posts:
JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/01/2022 13:42

Do you have evidence of all of this? Emotional abuse etc. You will need this if you go to court and want supervised contact.

Stripyhoglets1 · 01/01/2022 13:43

I'd advise to try and focus on what you think is best for your son - not on what might push your H into getting clean again. That's your Hs responsibility not yours or your sons to try and solve.
If it would be best for your son to see his dad in a supervised environment at his grandparents when his dad isn't using then focus on that.
But you know what's best for your child so if you think its best he doesn't see his dad until his dad is clean again then I would stop contact for now.

R0BYN · 01/01/2022 13:49

I understand this must be very distressing and disappointing for you. Living with someone’s addiction is very tough.

But you need to plan any contact around the best interests of your child and not to punish your DP for relapsing.

You say that you let him move back in with you after he had been clean for a few months. I think you know now that was too soon - experts say that you should wait at least 6 months and ideally 12 -18 months. Perhaps you did that because you wanted to reward your DP for trying .

Or maybe you were being pressurised by his friends and family ?

So you need to break the link with reward / punishment of your DP and see it as about what is best for your son first of all and then for you.

I know this is really hard as addicts are very good at making everyone’s life revolve around them. No one else’s needs get a look in .

Would you think about going to Al Anon or similar group for the families of people with addictions ? It can really help to speak to others who know what it’s like.

Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 13:53

Thanks for bringing to light my anger over this and making me see it’s what’s best for my son. However his dad is also involved in daily illegal activities and has an unlimited supply of this drug. To keep it simple it’s what he does for ‘work’ he promised to change all of that for a legit job & didn’t and I would try push him in a positive direction as much as possible without being controlling. This factored in with the rest is also my reason for wanting to stop all contact. Our son adores him maybe I need more time to consider it I will allow occasional contact at my sons grandparents supervised. As I also have health conditions and have a hard time alone with them.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 01/01/2022 13:58

I think that what you can do depends somewhat on what evidence you have. You think he has relapsed and if correct, you are absolutely right to not want him to have unsupervised access to your dc. But do you actually have any evidence of this relapse? If he has PR, you will be better off going down the court route as your DH has as much say over our dc as you do.

Formalising the end of the marriage and child contact is probably the best route for you now. I wish you luck @Danielle131013Flowers

Lunde · 01/01/2022 14:00

@Danielle131013

Thanks for bringing to light my anger over this and making me see it’s what’s best for my son. However his dad is also involved in daily illegal activities and has an unlimited supply of this drug. To keep it simple it’s what he does for ‘work’ he promised to change all of that for a legit job & didn’t and I would try push him in a positive direction as much as possible without being controlling. This factored in with the rest is also my reason for wanting to stop all contact. Our son adores him maybe I need more time to consider it I will allow occasional contact at my sons grandparents supervised. As I also have health conditions and have a hard time alone with them.
So he's a drug dealer?
CagneyNYPD1 · 01/01/2022 14:00

So he's a dealer as well?

Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 14:03

He admitted his relapse and I have text message evidence of the admissions also yes 😟

OP posts:
Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 14:04

Shamefully yes he is and it breaks my heart also. It’s not the life I wanted and it’s not the life I want for my son. He’s addicted to that life and not changing as it clearly enables his addiction!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 14:05

He shouldn't be seeing his grandparents if one of them is a drug dealer too?!

Kshhuxnxk · 01/01/2022 14:06

So he's a dealer and you were ok to let scum like that back into your house and your life because he'd stopped using but its different now he's restarted?.Think more about yourself and your child and get shot of him until he's clean and no longer selling drugs to other adults and kids.

SuspiciousHumanoid · 01/01/2022 14:08

Were you the OP who posted recently about her husband and the disrespectful friend?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 14:08

Presumably you've known about the illegal activity for as long as he's been doing it, work wise? You need to try to right the series of decisions that have led to this point by no longer facilitating any contact between him and his son. It's terrifying he's been driving around especially as I recall you said on a previous thread that he drives dangerously.

Please put your son first and stop contact with your (hopefully) ex and his family, who are complicit as they also work in the drug industry.

File for divorce.

Shouldbedoing · 01/01/2022 14:10

I would be living in terror if my young child was being taken around by his drug dealer father. He could bd accidentally shot or his house burned down.

Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 14:12

Sorry it’s him that deals not the grandparents but they know he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 14:13

Yes that’s me…. Strange how this escalated since that post! It’s like I knew he was back to using and it must have prompted me to look into things more and get advice on here but then I did not know he was back to using!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 14:14

@Danielle131013

Sorry it’s him that deals not the grandparents but they know he does.
Then they are not suitable people to have a relationship with him.

How long did you know he was a dealer?

Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 14:17

They’ve known for 22 years. They know he still does they don’t know the extent of it though.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 14:19

How long have you known for?

Original poster
Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 14:20

I have known for the entire of our relationship up until the first 6 months he lied and made out he was a computer engineer.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 01/01/2022 14:20

His name isn't Andy is it? He sounds exactly like my sisters ex from a long time ago. Fortunately she saw sense the day she found a used syringe on the floor and realised their just crawling baby could have been the one to find it and left immediately.

Drug users and dealers don't care about anyone else. If you have evidence of him dealing, I'd say go to the police. Shut him down. Stop him from destroying other peoples lives. Because that's what drug dealers do - destroy lives.

Don't let him anywhere near your son. You say your son adores him, at this age is me concerned that his father would be the wrong influence on him and your son could soon be down the path of a life of crime.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 14:24

I find this really hard as you knowingly had a relationship, a wedding and a baby with a drug dealer. But you seem shocked he's not a decent bloke? Why on earth did you have a baby with him?

I'm aware you can't change it now but it's staggeringly selfish of all the adults involved and I find it strange you suddenly have an issue with it, but I'm very glad you seem to have done so.

Your son has been in danger for the duration of his life because his dad is a drug dealer. So you need to step up and cease contact.

Have you told your husband you want a divorce at least?

Motnight · 01/01/2022 14:28

An addict and a dealer is so far from being an amazing father, Op. Raise the bar for your child if not yourself