Husband of 9 years has relapsed? What to do about contact with 8 year old son

[Danielle131013]

My husband of 9 years has only been clean from substance abuse a few months. We have a child together who is 8. Once proven clean and in therapy I allowed him back on a firm final chance. There was a lot of depression during his substance abuse which turned into emotional abuse onto me during that time. Since coming back he’s been utterly fantastic. However last night whilst alone together he went to smoke a cigarette and I immediately knew he was using again & after hours of more lies he admitted it. I am thinking court mandated contact with our son in a centre if he wants to put that effort in & otherwise nothing whatsoever. He drove with our son less than 24 hours before taking it again. I don’t think this was the first time either. He’s been in therapy for weeks 1 time per week and comes out telling me I’m not supportive enough & therapy makes him realise a lot of negative things about me. However I have never had substance abuse problems and value my life and health and also have some pretty serious health conditions to deal with myself. Before he used last night I had even spoken to him of how much that time effected me as going into a new year is a little emotional at times. I am so upset and disappointed. I’ve already removed him from our family home which is only in my name. He drives recklessly also regularly not with our son but with me and I beg him to stop ect a lot of adrenaline focused behaviours. I am heartbroken all over again but knew giving this final chance came with risks and I was willing to try one final time. I am truly done but where do I stand with contact for our son? What do you guys think? Just to add they’re really close and a fantastic relationship and he’s an amazing father (somehow) the best I could ask for to be honest but it’s the only reason I’m finding this decision SO HARD.

Yes I understand this very well and have been in therapy for myself but not currently as can no longer afford the luxury and felt capable of making myself stable, I’ve been going to the gym since taking him back, eating clean and focusing on myself so much more so I am stronger now than previously for certain. It doesn’t change that there’s still some underlying issues which of course benefit from further therapy but I just can’t get any right now sadly, not without waiting a very long time which I’m on a waiting list for anyhow. I have PTSD & auto immune disease linked to chronic stress and have had counselling many times.

Just to say when I said since taking him back I meant before finding out about the lies again so I am much more of my own person now

And again, if he's been "very wealthy" and cares about you, why can't you afford some therapy? Why isn't he willing to pay for that for you as the mother of his child?

I know it sounds like I'm being mean but I'm desperate for you to see him for what he is or you're in danger of taking him back.

Yeah that’s correct. He paid his taxes correctly before switching to digital assets and is now hidden through complicated serves and ledgers so his finances are on cold storage and untraceable or he has cash and other assets. I don’t know the risks with this but it worries me a lot. I didn’t ask him for anything as I don’t like where the money comes from. However he does think he’s above for having the money and his self has the likes and luxury of designer items and a lovely car. I do have the luxury of my own car I purchased with my own money but not the financial freedom he has but I am okay with that and always have been. We have never shared finances.

I paid for my own therapy as I don’t like asking for anything from him as previously I’ve had it used against me in terms of him saying ‘ well I paid for this so you can’t have a problem with that’ - ‘I take care of us financially how else do you expect that to happen’ by this it’s just regular home bills contributions. I won’t be headed back because I promised myself and my word has to be trustworthy to myself or I won’t trust myself & I have already been down that road. Since I took him back the first time before this relapse I promised myself serval things and have stuck at them all building my trusting process in myself but it doesn’t change the pain or sadness for my sons future & how close they are like best friends.

@Danielle131013

Yeah that’s correct. He paid his taxes correctly before switching to digital assets and is now hidden through complicated serves and ledgers so his finances are on cold storage and untraceable or he has cash and other assets. I don’t know the risks with this but it worries me a lot. I didn’t ask him for anything as I don’t like where the money comes from. However he does think he’s above for having the money and his self has the likes and luxury of designer items and a lovely car. I do have the luxury of my own car I purchased with my own money but not the financial freedom he has but I am okay with that and always have been. We have never shared finances.

He has paid taxes every year correctly

So he hasn't. I think you're so used to making excuses for him in your head that you maybe do it without thinking and that's something to try and challenge in yourself.

He could have been sent to prison for that alone, especially with previous for dealing:

"The penalty for tax evasion can be anything up to 200% of the tax due and may even lead to jail time. For example, income tax evasion can result in 6 months in prison or a fine of up to £5,000, with a maximum sentence of seven years or an unlimited fine. Evasion of VAT carries similar punishment, though it could result in a £20,000 fine."

Agreed that I didn’t believe him selling made him a bad person because he wasn't a bad person to me or our son.

Please at some point read your recent posts back and bullet point the ways he wasn't a good person to you and your son.

You've shared so many of them that hopefully you can see your statement was completely false and not one you should hold any more.

Yes very well could be that, he made me believe to some extent he was protected and safe against anything bad happening due to what he does. However I can see it’s naive I trusted that because of course anything can happen really!

I also just noticed that in your OP you say he drives dangerously with you in the car. Another selfish as fuck thing to do as it could (yet again) lead to him being convicted for dangerous driving and likely drug driving AND has the potential to leave one or both of you injured or killed, which would leave your son an orphan.

Is he such a prick that despite having lots of money, he wouldn't give you at least a few hundred quid for therapy?

How's he been since you've told him it's over? Have you told him yet?

Yes I told him and removed everything of his from the home & he has collected it and posted the keys, he wasn’t welcome inside and I have for now blocked him on everything. At least for a few weeks until video calls maybe able to start for him and our son as a starting point. He mentioned going to a proper live inside 28 day rehab but I doubt he will do that. Now that it’s over I don’t want to ask for money for therapy even more so. The dangerous driving is horrific yes his car is a modified dangerous weapon and he see’s the road as a race track OTHER than when our son was in the car. He tried to say he is now suicidal without my support and kicking him out again and should stand by him. This is when I told him I made my choice before it happened that if he relapsed I was gone & he knew this from the start of the fresh clean period of time shared together again. Then I blocked him as it’s to easy for me to feel guilty. I know addiction recovery isn’t a straight line & release is very likely but I knew I couldn’t handle sticking by another relapse I’m not strong enough to do that because of how it makes me feel about him and how deeply it hurts & how against it I am.

A few months is no time at all with addiction and relapse is v common

Once a week therapy is all he's doing for the addiction? That's nowhere near enough!

Has he even properly admitted he's an addict?

Personally I wouldn't allow him anything but supervised contact until he'd been clean a year

Wow! So he's not just an addict he's a dealer?! Keep your child the hell away from him! Why are you even pondering this?

I genuinely cannot understand why you stayed with him once you learned he was a dealer! I can't imagine doing that!

I can understand not reporting him for fear of retribution, not for fear that your son would hate you!

This is way beyond my experiences. I have lost several loved ones to drugs though and for that I think he's utter scum who SHOULD be in prison!

Supervised access would only start once I had evidence he was in a genuine rehab program, not once a week.
What do you suggest I report him for? Rat out his entire king pin operation? As that won’t leave me in a good position with my son when he knows I sent his dad to prison with a minimum of 5 years good behaviour. He has been in prison 2 times in younger years for the same things & this will be a much longer sentence. My son could grow up to hate me for it.
I would have zero concerns about justifying to my children why their dad is in jail for his crimes. I’d say he’s in jail because he did criminal things, not because I reported him, but I would do the same thing again.

You should only go for contact supervised by grandparents if you can be satisfied that if he arrived under the influence they would turn him away and not allow contact. In essence will they prioritise their grandchild's safety? Do they feel safe enough to do that?
If not then I think you need to utilize a contact centre, the costs would be his to meet, it's typically around £50 per hour.

You can if you choose stop contact and ask that he seems legal advice so that it can be agreed within court.

Worth saying be prepared for possible social work intervention as Cafcass may request a S37 (which considers not just the contact and residency but if there are risks of significant harm) rather than S7 (which just deals with residency and contact) report given the concerns regarding his drug use, driving under influence, drug dealing, the emotional abuse and that you've previously resumed relationship.
That said as long as you continue to maintain the separation and act sensibly as you suggest you are here regarding contact there would I imagine be no concerns.

I agree that son is priority here
Getting court mandated acess isn’t easy or fast
What would work best for your son and his well-being
How can you ensure he has his time with dad in a non risky way

How is he an amazing father if he parents under the influence?

Jeez he's a dealer too? So he makes a livelihood of encouraging and maintaining others addictions? WHAT A PRIZE! I think you need to sort your head out too if you think that's acceptable. Soc Servs should be assessing you to see if you can safeguard your child

Shut up wizzy
Not helpful or kind
Op knows there is an issue
Hence her post

Agreed that I didn’t believe him selling made him a bad person because he wasn't a bad person to me or our son

Someone can be slightly more nice (although he's not being really) to a couple of people and still be a bad person.

He's a criminal ruining people's lives for money.

Relapse is common and I have a lot of sympathy for people who relapse, but he was never 'in' recovery in the first place. He may have been telling you and himself that he was, but he wasn't. The only way to be in recovery is to commit to it - that means that a person who is addicted to drugs can't be around drugs. Drugs are his life and his livelihood - there is no way in hell that he can stay clean when he continues to be around drugs in this way.

He also isn't engaging properly with his therapy if the only thing he can say after it is 'it was OP's fault'.

You have to make this your red line. You are staggeringly naive around this. You can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. His money isn't 'safe' either by the way, and I would be very careful about keeping your own assets separate.

@Danielle131013

I’ve been having some support from a friend and trying to feel less overwhelmed but having my parents help out with our son today so he can have fun whilst I sort my thoughts out. You’re correct I was only 17 when I met this man, I was naive and still a child and former codependent attachments and so much has happened it’s almost like it would always be me and him we could beat anything but it was always beating his problems. I’m not perfect but no major relationship sins from myself. I don’t want my son to grow up like him. Yet he’s an amazing dad in person in the moments and time spent with him. He always drilled into me that he tells me he’s a good person but just does what he does. He would always do nice things for our son and spend time with him. I grew up without my dad and that’s maybe a fear for my son but I know he doesn’t need this sort of man in his life. I have ended the relationship.

It's not possible to be an amazing dad "in moments".

If you had a 500g chocolate cake that contained 50g of arsenic, would you eat it on the basis that parts of the cake are good? Because this is exactly the sort of thing you're doing when you allow your partner to have access to your son on the basis that "sometimes" he's good. It doesn't work like that.

It sounds as if your perception of time is quite distorted, as you were happy to welcome him back after a few short months and you focus on his good moments with your son rather than the bigger picture. Addiction isn't cured in a matter of months, and if he were truly in recovery he'd know that. He'd be the one telling you that and he'd be more than happy to agree to supervised contact while he worked on getting clean. From the sound of it he hasn't even tried, and the comments about you being unsupportive sound like a deliberate manipulative strategy - "You've got to stop pushing me, my therapist says you're the problem." That is literally the exact opposite of addiction recovery, which is all about taking responsibility for oneself.

Make sure you don't cave and take him back. No excuses.

So I now have a plan. My sons father is saying he’s going to check into inpatient residential rehab but IF he does is another thing. IF he does… I am thinking he can have contact with our son when he comes out at the grandparents. If not it may be time to consider police & prison because then clearly he’s never going to change dealing or substance abuse. What do you think?

That’s very true. I think he had drilled into my head that he is a good person and that’s just his job. I saw it that way too…. Until the addiction & until I experienced being on the end of his addiction and it effecting our family we had. So now I have huge feelings that whoever he sells to all be It online through the post he doesn’t know these people, that these people could also have families being effected like me. It’s not until now that I have the maturity and knowledge to truly understand this first hand. So I now have a plan. My sons father is saying he’s going to check into inpatient residential rehab but IF he does is another thing. IF he does… I am thinking he can have contact with our son when he comes out at the grandparents. If not it may be time to consider police & prison because then clearly he’s never going to change dealing or substance abuse. What do you think?

Our assets our totally separate due to me not being comfortable with his money like you say. However I agree with what you say. He thought it was so simple and easy to get clean he just stops and gets therapy and it’s easy. Clearly he never was in recovery it was just a time where he thought he was & I believed he was. His recovery needs to start in residential rehab & changing his life and ‘job’ if he does not he will not change and I feel prison is the only place that would benefit him.

Honestly? I think you're still being incredibly naive.

King pin dealers (as you've described him) might get clean. They never get out of the industry. They stay in it for life, go to prison or die.

You think a king pin drug dealer is going to... what? What job do you think he's going to do? He's no actual work experience and would need to leave every friend, relocate and take an entry level job (depending on what he could get with his prior convictions) for say £18k. You think a man who is used to unlimited funds is going to do that? You need to catch yourself on and be realistic now. It's ludicrous to think he would do that!

And I'm worried you're basing your decision on him getting clean. Even if he's clean, he is not going to stop being a dealer. I think you know that deep down and are still thinking that if he's clean then you can turn a blind eye to the dealing. Which, by the way, funds organised crime, prostitution, trafficking... a plethora of disgusting things.

If I was you I would take advantage of the fact he will want his chosen 'career' and lifestyle more than he wants you and your son and will allow you to just cut contact if you don't report him to police.

I would be tempted to cut contact and move away so you can get on with your life. For the safety of your child.