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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband of 9 years has relapsed? What to do about contact with 8 year old son

101 replies

Danielle131013 · 01/01/2022 13:27

My husband of 9 years has only been clean from substance abuse a few months. We have a child together who is 8. Once proven clean and in therapy I allowed him back on a firm final chance. There was a lot of depression during his substance abuse which turned into emotional abuse onto me during that time. Since coming back he’s been utterly fantastic. However last night whilst alone together he went to smoke a cigarette and I immediately knew he was using again & after hours of more lies he admitted it. I am thinking court mandated contact with our son in a centre if he wants to put that effort in & otherwise nothing whatsoever. He drove with our son less than 24 hours before taking it again. I don’t think this was the first time either. He’s been in therapy for weeks 1 time per week and comes out telling me I’m not supportive enough & therapy makes him realise a lot of negative things about me. However I have never had substance abuse problems and value my life and health and also have some pretty serious health conditions to deal with myself. Before he used last night I had even spoken to him of how much that time effected me as going into a new year is a little emotional at times. I am so upset and disappointed. I’ve already removed him from our family home which is only in my name. He drives recklessly also regularly not with our son but with me and I beg him to stop ect a lot of adrenaline focused behaviours. I am heartbroken all over again but knew giving this final chance came with risks and I was willing to try one final time. I am truly done but where do I stand with contact for our son? What do you guys think? Just to add they’re really close and a fantastic relationship and he’s an amazing father (somehow) the best I could ask for to be honest but it’s the only reason I’m finding this decision SO HARD.

OP posts:
Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 12:15

Thank you it’s great to hear what you can point out about me, genuinely. However he had promised to stop his online organisation which is only him running it. He has not stopped, he wants to stop and set up his own legit business and was not against moving away either. However now it’s to late for that in a relationship. My concerns ARE BOTH with what he does and his addiction. They tie in together meaning both are a problem. My only hope for our son is that he gets into residential rehab for the first time which he says he’s trying to do today, I don’t know if that will happen but if he doesn’t make that happen I am beyond tempted to be the one who has to tell the police everything about him. As what other place is there for him than prison? I feel so guilty and vile and disgusting for saying that. However if he won’t change everything, everything needs to be forced to change for him. He needs to be taken away from everything. If he doesn’t take himself to rehab, is it wrong that I am considering telling the police?

OP posts:
Reila24 · 02/01/2022 12:23

Im sorry op

Ive read all your repsonses so far

its time to STOP playing victim here

I think from over time you've unconsciously been wired to make excuses and try to see some good in this man even when the cold hard facts that he is not sit BLATANTLY infront of your face.

Shake your head!!! There is no more room for reasoning his actions nor is there room to gove him another chance

How after EVERYTHING can you take his word that he will do what is right? How can you trust him. You can not afford to give him the benefit of the doubt

For your sake but also more so your son

Someone needs to be doing what is at best interest of your sons. He is the vunerable and helpless one here. Not you. Not his dad. Your poor son is at subject to you and your exs mistakes and awful choices

If this gets bad and things need to go to court op you NEED TO BE SEEN TO BE DOING EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO PROTECT HIM

which means not allowing this man back into his or your life

Otherwise the court will not take you seriously. And if social services get invovled they will see you as a liability towards your own son.

Time to take a stand. get this man out of your sons life for good. He deserves so much better than this. Every child deserves the basics of stability, security and saftey. Please give him that.

Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 12:26

I’m not sure on my posts if you see that I have broken up with his sons father and I’m not considering ever taking him back. It’s just about contact with our son. If he does take himself to inpatient rehab I have said contact can resume at his grandparents with our son. If he does not there is no contact and if he does not I am considering telling the police about everything so he goes back to jail. I don’t want this man in MY life but my son deserves his relationship with his dad to be preserved if possible if his dad does do the right things now for himself.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 02/01/2022 12:35

Have you contacted Women's Aid?
I truly believe you need some outside help with this.

You're back to preserving a relationship for your son with his drug addicted drug dealing father. How can this be good for your son?

I know you said that he's the king pin. Have you thought he's been lying to you about things so you don't know the extent of it?
He's not an island. Those drugs have to come from somewhere.

You don't seem to be concerned about associated people coming after you and your son if you turn him in.

I do think you're being naive about this and need some outside help.

Reila24 · 02/01/2022 12:36

But you have it backwards. He needs to become the person his son deserves and THEN have contact with him.

He doesnt deserve his son right now. Its unfair. As your son grows up he will become aware of his flakiness. If he couldnt keep his promise to better for you and your son what makes you think he can do it for just your son?

He has already proved to you that he cant do it. So instead of creating or potentionally subjecting your son to instability its better to tell him to go away for a year better himself, prove he can stay clean then come back

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 12:37

@RantyAunty

Have you contacted Women's Aid? I truly believe you need some outside help with this.

You're back to preserving a relationship for your son with his drug addicted drug dealing father. How can this be good for your son?

I know you said that he's the king pin. Have you thought he's been lying to you about things so you don't know the extent of it?
He's not an island. Those drugs have to come from somewhere.

You don't seem to be concerned about associated people coming after you and your son if you turn him in.

I do think you're being naive about this and need some outside help.

I completely agree. You're in way over your head here. And your son's grandparents know what their son does so they are not suitable people to have a relationship with your son either as they aren't showing they're capable of adequate safeguarding. I'm afraid you haven't been either up to now, knowingly having a baby with and living with a dealer. It's so dangerous. So it's even more important that you are brutal in who you cull from your son's life now. Criminals and their enablers should be the bare minimum you get rid of.
Reila24 · 02/01/2022 12:38

Also op yes on paper you have done the right step of not being with him but even till now you are still talking about him as if he isnt that bad.

"Oh but he is a good dad, he pays taxes, he tried rehab once a week for months"

You arent being strict enough. I dont think you are fully seeing how shitty of a human he is (or refusing to) because honestly at this point he shouldnt have been nor given the time of day woth your or your son. Not until he is BETTER.

CaptainCabinets · 02/01/2022 12:39

@Danielle131013

I’m not sure on my posts if you see that I have broken up with his sons father and I’m not considering ever taking him back. It’s just about contact with our son. If he does take himself to inpatient rehab I have said contact can resume at his grandparents with our son. If he does not there is no contact and if he does not I am considering telling the police about everything so he goes back to jail. I don’t want this man in MY life but my son deserves his relationship with his dad to be preserved if possible if his dad does do the right things now for himself.
But why do you want to ‘preserve’ it? What is there to preserve? He puts your son’s life in danger every day by parenting under the influence of drugs (which drug, out of interest?) and putting him in harm’s way by association. When things go sour in criminal networks, nobody goes after the criminal; they go after their families because that’s where it hurts.

Stop being so naive and actually put your child first.

MintMatchmaker · 02/01/2022 12:55

Residential rehab is (usually) 28 days and then outpatient care afterwards. You come out of rehab being clean for a month, not cured. Relapse rates are still quite high.

I don’t believe your ex wants to get clean and change his life, he’s only saying it to appease you.

Reila24 · 02/01/2022 13:05

As well op.

Dont you feel like you are self projecting here? As a pps said "why are you trying so hard to preserve something that isnt good for your son" and i think that comes back to as you said you lacked a father figure in your own life. But i feel like your own feelings towards this all is really clouding your judgement of what you think is best for your son. He doesnt NEED a dead beat drug taking unreliable bad influnece of a dad in his life. No matter how good he presents himself to he when he is with his son if this man does not become a good person he cannot not be a good dad. He will only end up damaging your son later down the line or even worse, he could influence him to follow down the same road.

I think you need to take a step back here and realise why you are trying to hard for something that isnt right.

Because right now you are making the choice for your son and you are chosing the dad to be in his life more for your own sake than his.

Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 13:46

Thanks for all of the replies, no my son doesn’t need someone in his life who does this things, yet equally he gave our son love time & a relationship that somehow was a good one on face value. Yet of course under the surface these things mean he can’t be a good dad if he does those things. For those asking his substance abuse of choice is a stimulant coca*ne … he had been clean for a few months before I allowed him back to our lives but this time he is not welcome back in my life. I want him to get better for our son but know it has to be his own choices and so far it doesn’t seem like he’s capable. He’s said a residential rehab will take him on Tuesday coming so we will see if that actually happens but yes until he’s better… no contact. He hates me now because I won’t support him, he has turned slightly nasty towards me because he thinks I should be standing by him like I did before & this is part of the journey to recovery but I don’t want to live like this anymore, not me and not my son. I’m a really quite anxious person and this life has caused me no end of mental health issues that manifested into chronic health problems such as auto immune disease & PTSD. I wanted to believe he could achieve anything he set his mind to & believed that he would achieve so much more of a good quality life but I think his life is an addiction dealing as much as the substance abuse. He thinks I will love him going to rehab because it’s like I have control over him but that’s not true. I don’t want to be with him so I don’t want to control him I just want what’s best for our son which means I have to hope that he makes the right choices.

OP posts:
Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 13:48

I agree Tuesday will tell if he goes to the rehab or not…. The contact I’ve had from him has been a text message stating the following “ You are not the person I thought you were. You abandon me rather than seeing things through cus it’s easier for you. So unmotivated, you just treat me like a cash cow and it’s sickening. I want all my stuff when I come to get it, MY camera included. I’ve ordered a new ps5 so ALL of my games and my external HDD too. Don’t hold back with my stuff as it’s not yours and it’s not ok” I hate how guilty I feel if any of this is true

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 13:53

Tough love time.

Stop feeling guilty about your ex.

Start feeling guilty about the fact you've knowingly had your son living with a drug dealer for his entire life and never thought it was a dealbreaker until you discovered your partner had a drug habit himself.

Put your child first. Stop going over and over what your ex is going to do in your head. Start focusing on how you're going to keep your son safe and provide for him in his dad's absence.

Because even if he gets clean, he will not stop dealing. What job do you think he's going to walk into with that attitude and previous convictions? What salary do you think he'll think is worth working full time for when he could just go back to dealing and having loads of money? Seriously, I would be genuinely interested to know your thoughts on these questions.

His priority is him. Money, drugs and him.

If he gave a shit about you or your son he wouldn't have put you in danger for years, made you feel indebted to him and he certainly wouldn't have lashed out at you like he has when he broke his end of the bargain and lost the ultimatum he knew was on the table by relapsing.

You need to wise up ASAP.

Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 14:28

Yes true words. Only feel guilty for allowing this into my life in the first place and make much better future healthy choices and steer clear of him. I dislike very much how he turns me into the monster for not sticking by him but I didn’t expect him not to change or to relapse and those things are unchangeable facts sadly. I grew up in the relationship and there is a lot of attachments but I do know and see and feel that he isn’t the good guy he protested to be and it was ‘just his job’ not him.

OP posts:
Dozer · 02/01/2022 14:31

Do better, for your son.

Suzanne999 · 02/01/2022 14:33

I can only speak from the place of having been married to an alcoholic but lots of what you say rings bells.
They will ALWAYS blame someone or something else rather than take responsibility for themselves.
He is a substance abuser and he’ll turn his abuse on you and even your child.
It’s his problem and only he can solve it although he’ll probably try to trap you into staying ( I can’t do this without you, I’ll die if you walk away, I’ll kill my self, I heard the lot)
It’s time to cut and run, you gave him a final chance , he blew it.

Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 14:36

Ahh very insightful as I’ve already heard ‘I may as well kill myself’ knowing he doesn’t mean it and is totally fine whilst writing it. Also ‘I may as well throw myself of a cliff’ these tactics no longer work on me. I have and am running. I do care about what happens to him though because of our sons future being hanging in the balance with him but thanks to all of you guys I can see my son is in a better place without him for right now anyway.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 14:40

Last April a mum and her four year old son died in a house fire set by drug dealers over a £400 debt owed to a local dealer, as a warning to the wider community from the dealer.

That's the sort of activity your ex is involved in.

That and county lines, which ruins the lives of young teens who get sucked into years of illegal activity.

That and addicts who become more and more reliant on your ex's product and more and more desperate. Some will turn to prostitution. Some will turn to harder and harder drugs until they lose everything.

THAT IS WHO HE IS.

The kind of man who is happy to facilitate other people's misery and put his own son in danger... all so he can enjoy money and power all for himself. As is evidenced by the fact he's now cutting you off.

You need to file for divorce and get yourself and your son the fuck away from this bloke and his family.

Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 14:43

Yes I hate the process that I now see how this can effect other children and families through who he sells to. It’s all online and it’s only him there is no county lines & I think because he didn’t see these people in person it lessens his consciousness about the effects on other people but the effects are on his own son let alone other people it’s right in front of his face! He defiantly enjoy money and power and the things that come with that. I already filed for divorce previously so we are getting divorced.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2022 14:49

I think because he didn’t see these people in person it lessens his consciousness about the effects on other people but the effects are on his own son let alone other people it’s right in front of his face!

Argh OP you are being so naive!

He knows exactly what effect the drugs trade has. It's not that he's somehow managed to convince himself it's ok... he knows it's not, he knows the damage it does - he just doesn't give a fuck! He honestly doesn't give a fuck.

You need to start giving more of a fuck and stop minimising his accountability by projecting reason and excuses onto him. He literally didn't give a fuck and still doesn't.

He wanted money without having a job.

He wanted a child without having real responsibility.

He wanted a wife without having a real, healthy marriage.

He's a fraud. He's tricked you into thinking that he's a decent bloke who has done bad things. That's wrong. He's a bad bloke who has done bad things. It's who he is. He's had years to change. He had a son as incentive to get clean. He had a recent ultimatum to get clean. At every defining moment he has made an active choice to put himself before everyone else including you and your son.

If he pissed off the wrong person, or someone wanted to take over his line, it could have been you and your son waking up to your house on fire. And it would be all his fault. And if you made it out alive, you'd have had to live with the knowledge you stayed with him for years leading up to that knowing he was a dealer.

Seriously, stop feeling guilty about him or psychoanalysing him and start feeling guilty it's gone on this long and focus on next steps. You need to move, for a start.

Danielle131013 · 02/01/2022 14:51

Everything you said is what my therapist has said. I’m going to save your message and put it as my screensaver because it’s so helpful & reminds me of the facts. Thank you, that message helped so much into seeing that I make excuses because for so long I believed he was a good person because he manipulated me into truly thinking that. You’re right in everything you say.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/01/2022 22:04

How are you getting on @Danielle131013?

Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 22:12

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Don't turn this thread into a pearl-clutching fest, people. Drug dealers are not necessarily monsters, and the majority of problems caused by 'drug dealing' could be solved by decriminalisation of drug use. And we could solve the problem of knife crime by making stabbing people legal.

Hmm

Ridiculous comparison. People do drugs because they enjoy doing so. Very few people stab others because it's fun: most violence is a means to an end. All the decades of 'war on drugs' have ever achieved is to ruin more lives, criminalise more people, increase inequality... and not stop people taking drugs.
Wreath21 · 06/01/2022 22:15

OP I wouldn't fret too much about whether you should report him to the police over the drug dealing - that's an extra level of stress and aggravation you don't need. (If you need to report him to the police for stalking, harassing or assaulting you that's different: go right ahead.)

mrsrat · 06/01/2022 22:15

Poster Ypu do know that any police officer er looking at this could ask Mumsnet for your details . I'd delete this post immediately

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