Husband of 9 years has relapsed? What to do about contact with 8 year old son

[Danielle131013]

My husband of 9 years has only been clean from substance abuse a few months. We have a child together who is 8. Once proven clean and in therapy I allowed him back on a firm final chance. There was a lot of depression during his substance abuse which turned into emotional abuse onto me during that time. Since coming back he’s been utterly fantastic. However last night whilst alone together he went to smoke a cigarette and I immediately knew he was using again & after hours of more lies he admitted it. I am thinking court mandated contact with our son in a centre if he wants to put that effort in & otherwise nothing whatsoever. He drove with our son less than 24 hours before taking it again. I don’t think this was the first time either. He’s been in therapy for weeks 1 time per week and comes out telling me I’m not supportive enough & therapy makes him realise a lot of negative things about me. However I have never had substance abuse problems and value my life and health and also have some pretty serious health conditions to deal with myself. Before he used last night I had even spoken to him of how much that time effected me as going into a new year is a little emotional at times. I am so upset and disappointed. I’ve already removed him from our family home which is only in my name. He drives recklessly also regularly not with our son but with me and I beg him to stop ect a lot of adrenaline focused behaviours. I am heartbroken all over again but knew giving this final chance came with risks and I was willing to try one final time. I am truly done but where do I stand with contact for our son? What do you guys think? Just to add they’re really close and a fantastic relationship and he’s an amazing father (somehow) the best I could ask for to be honest but it’s the only reason I’m finding this decision SO HARD.

So you were ok with him being a dealer, but not ok with him being an addict? Its almost like its ok as long as the cash keeps rolling in, but not when it all starts going up his nose.

If you're letting your kid run around with drug dealers, you are playing with fire. Other dealers will see he has a weakness (your son), and potentially your son could become a target. Equally, he could get drawn into the business himself - not the Rolexes and Mercs side, but the shitty guns, knives and diseases side. Thats not what you want for your child, is it?

Contact for your son is the last thing you need to worry about.

File for a divorce. Let him try to get visitation as in him making all the effort and you do nothing to set things up or facilitate it.

He's been a dealer and an addict for so long, I'm sure it's common knowledge around where your live and with the police.
Use this knowledge to your advantage.

And no, he's not a good father. Your son is 8. That age they idolise a parent regardless of what they do. The chances of your son becoming an addict and a dealer are very high.

Oh, and get the heck away from there and start over away from those types.

Please don't be tempted to hide and ignore this thread OP as while what we are saying is uncomfortable, it's stuff you really need to be asking yourself.

If you don't work through why you've made the poor decisions you have so far (knowingly marrying and having a baby with a drug dealer) then there's a chance you're going to repeat your mistakes or not adequately risk assess.

he’s an amazing father

I think, based on this snippet alone, you would also massively benefit from therapy.

I’ve been having some support from a friend and trying to feel less overwhelmed but having my parents help out with our son today so he can have fun whilst I sort my thoughts out. You’re correct I was only 17 when I met this man, I was naive and still a child and former codependent attachments and so much has happened it’s almost like it would always be me and him we could beat anything but it was always beating his problems. I’m not perfect but no major relationship sins from myself. I don’t want my son to grow up like him. Yet he’s an amazing dad in person in the moments and time spent with him. He always drilled into me that he tells me he’s a good person but just does what he does. He would always do nice things for our son and spend time with him. I grew up without my dad and that’s maybe a fear for my son but I know he doesn’t need this sort of man in his life. I have ended the relationship.

Well done on kicking him out. If your home is in your name I hope he doesn't have a claim on it.

Yes and as me and my son thought he was terminally ill because of him saying he had an illness and getting medicine from the doctor he was difficult about taking and I had to always remind him, our son found out when we found out he wasn’t really sick, he was lying to cover the addiction. Now my son is 8 I don’t think it’s suitable to have him as an influence in his life given the final opportunity he got to turn his life around and he’s changed nothing and now in active addiction AGAIN.

He's a user.
He's a dealer.
He will have contact with really dangerous people in some shape or form.
He has been on this path for a v long time.
This is a very dangerous situation for you and your son to remain in. I suggest you get some proper support and guidance from an organisation such as Women's Aid.

OP you have done the right thing to end the relationship and I hope you can sort things out and get support so you and your son are protected.

Don't turn this thread into a pearl-clutching fest, people. Drug dealers are not necessarily monsters, and the majority of problems caused by 'drug dealing' could be solved by decriminalisation of drug use.

Though this doesn't help OP, who is right to end the relationship and move to supervised contact or suspend contact, because she needs to take steps now, and decrim isn't going to happen for years, if ever.

@Wreath21 I assume you are happy with the murders of teenage young men from drug dealing disputes, the impact on places such as Colombia, the number of deaths and injuries in car crashes where someone is under the influence of drugs then?

I agree it does not help the OP.

OP has made some very poor decisions that haven't been in the best interest of her child to date. Of course it's great she now wants to change that (even if it's a shame that it's only because he's now taking drugs while dealing them was presumably acceptable) but people reiterating the very real danger a child is put in when their parent works as a dealer isn't pearl clutching, it's the unfortunate truth. And hopefully one that might stop OP from taking him back if he convinces her he's 'only' dealing and not taking them anymore.

Qell having read the update about dealing then Yes I would stop him seeing your son unless you want your son to go down the same route in life.

@Wreath21, I'm no pear clutcher, far from it. I grew up in an environment where 15/16 were doing smack outside my front door. Or on the stairwell. Or on the landing. Wherever they could really. No nine year old should have to step over that shit on their way to and from primary school.

I have seen way too many people get truly fucked up over the past 40 years. On all sorts of shit. Kids taken into care. My mum's friends burying their children. So many lads from my school ended up in prison. So no pear clutching here. Just an understanding that if this man has been involved in abusing for 22 years, he is very far down the road.

And the OP was only 17 when she got involved with him. Far too young to know what she was getting herself involved with.

@Danielle131013 Call the police immediately and report the dealing etc.

It will be something that will help you when it comes to safer contact arrangements- because then you can prove he is a criminal.

Don't turn this thread into a pearl-clutching fest, people. Drug dealers are not necessarily monsters, and the majority of problems caused by 'drug dealing' could be solved by decriminalisation of drug use.
And we could solve the problem of knife crime by making stabbing people legal.

Agreed that I didn’t believe him selling made him a bad person because he wants a bad person to me or our son. However the lifestyle & doing that as a job has enabled his addiction and warped his mind on what is okay. It became a big problem he was so dependant on stimulants that he got so sick and poorly he convinced me he had a serious illness. The truth came out he’s been in therapy and still attends but has relapsed. I know the road to recovery isn’t straight & can likely involve relapse BUT I told myself if he relapsed I can’t handle any more because I can’t live like this forever and the journey to full recovery is clearly going to be a much harder one for him than I hoped and what he had me believing when I allowed him back clean.

I trusted he would change his entire life & let him back to soon whilst changes were not complete in the broader sense of his life. He was proven clean & in therapy and made out it was that simple he’s cured and changing his life. It clearly was not and I was just hoping for the best and giving it one last chance before calling it quits given it could’ve been the life with him I’ve waited for all this time.

Being young when I met him is my only excuse. I am a grown woman and I have been so overwhelmed with all of the situations over the years it was a relief when the truth came out and fresh hope was created about him changing his life & as he was clean I was so proud! I didn’t know what I was getting myself into and over the years he became more of my world as I became more dependent of the hope of him changing causing me to be obsessed with staying with him always.

Agreed that I didn’t believe him selling made him a bad person because he wants a bad person to me or our son.

He was a bad person to you both though. He put you and your son in direct danger as drug dealers are always at risk of reprisals from criminals above them in the chain.

He also put you in financial risk as if he was charged and sentenced, he would have had a custodial sentence and you would have become either a single income household (if you work) or have no income (if you don't) other than benefits.

He also put you at risk of being liable as a spouse for any debts he would have run up for fraud as he obviously won't have paid tax correctly, which could have left you unable to get a mortgage etc if you had an IVA or had to declare bankruptcy.

He was NOT good to you and your son. Can you not see that, for those reasons alone?

I was just hoping for the best and giving it one last chance before calling it quits given it could’ve been the life with him I’ve waited for all this time.

With respect, the best you could have hoped for was a relationship with a former addict and former dealer with a history of lying to you and putting you at risk physically, emotionally and financially. Absolute best case. You must stop romanticising what could have been. Because that's the best it could have been. And it shouldn't be enough for you. Or your son.

What do you suggest I report him for? Rat out his entire king pin operation? As that won’t leave me in a good position with my son when he knows I sent his dad to prison with a minimum of 5 years good behaviour. He has been in prison 2 times in younger years for the same things & this will be a much longer sentence. My son could grow up to hate me for it.

I became more dependent of the hope of him changing causing me to be obsessed with staying with him always.

This is why you need therapy ASAP as you're at risk of taking him back due to this history of codependency, fear of abandonment and obsession.

Was he in prison before he met you or once you had your son?

If the latter, I'm even more shocked you could say he's been good to your son.

If the former, he knew if he reoffended and got caught again he would go to prison and be away from your son for years. He still chose to do it. Dealing was more important to him than you and your son. All he had to do was move, get a normal job and focus on you two but he didn't.

Yes good fair point. Now it’s not about what could’ve been. The thing was there didn’t seem danger as this was all done away from our family home & he is at the top and alone. I didn’t see anything of anything in that world. It’s easy to see how I don’t have a full picture but I know he’s very wealthy, not that our life together looked that way by any means as it’s digital assets. He can buy what he wants and do what he wants whenever of course, adding to his bad behaviour unfortunately. He had unlimited supply and unlimited money for himself in some terms. He has paid taxes every year correctly but I don’t doubt the law will catch up with him at some point for some reason and agreed I don’t want to be a part of that situation.

He has paid taxes every year correctly

Eh?! Unless he's declared his work to be dealing then he absolutely hasn't!

And if it's digital currency I presume you mean maybe Bitcoin, which means again he has not paid the correct taxes.