When he hit me we had been arguing, he was saying to me I'm making him angry and I kept arguing. I know no one deserves to be attacked like that arguing or not, but I can't get it out of my head if I had of just stopped arguing this wouldn't of happened.
That is why this is all so hard for you.
Blaming you for the abuse he chose is part of the abuse.
It is incredibly hard to shake the accusation off, to see it for what it is, because when you are a grown up you hate to feel that you are living completely at the mercy of someone else, to feel that your choice of this man was a horrible mistake. You want to feel that there really is a cause and effect to the experience you are living through because the alternative to living in a world where you can control what happens in your own home is unthinkable. You really need that illusion that you are somewhat in control. The alternative narrative is that you are living with someone who is evil and completely out of your control.
The rational mind wants an explanation for whatever it encounters that is completely irrational and out of control because people who are completely irrational and out of your control are terrifying and you have to get out of their orbit. At the same time, because you are living with someone who goes berserk from time to time, you are frightened, you believe your options are limited, and somewhere deep down you believe that love and rationality will win in the end. This is toxic optimism blinding you to reality. It's a self protective feature that has limited usefulness.
The explanation that it was your fault is a straw that you grasp at. The straw is attractive because it would be simply too terrifying to accept that the person you live with is just plain evil and has no interest at all in creating a mutually loving, respectful relationship with you, and wants to destroy you in every way possible instead.
The evil person you were with is an emotionally stunted person who is unfortunately physically strong enough to kill you.
'You made me do it' is what kids say when they are just old enough to feel ashamed of hitting someone but not mature enough to take responsibility for what they choose to do, and they are still deep in the narcissistic phase children go through. The criminal you were living with hasn't developed beyond this stage. He can't accept at all that he has any fault, that anyone else has a point, that he has done wrong. His glorious self image has to be protected at all costs, and thus anything he does that is wrong or hurtful or selfish or violent is somebody else's fault.
He is champing at the bit in his cell right now, telling anyone who will listen what a fucking bitch you are, how patient he has been with you over the time he has known you, and how richly you deserved every single blow he inflicted on you. Hopefully, he will find that the law thinks differently.
You need help getting a non-molestation order and an occupation order. Please call Women's Aid for that help.
Talk to the police about helping you get those orders.