DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You can totally do this OP. I feel so proud of you and I don't even know you!

You've been brave, put your little ones first and are determined to make a better life for them.

Next Christmas you'll spend the day absolutely wrapped up in how gorgeous they both are, watching them interact and get to know each other at such lovely ages, unwrapping some presents and watching some silly Christmas movies together.

Keep your eye on the prize - a lifetime of lovely memories with your little ones, minus the arsehole who would could have left them motherless

Every reply you give me more and more strength, thank you so much

My abusive ex kept me and my kids in and out of court for 9 years. Finally he lost parental responsibility and we were free. My poor DDs had to give evidence 3 x. Do it now as hard and as firm as you can. If he can have parental responsibility removed now I can promise it is the one thing that will give you and your babies a better future. Throw everything you can at it now. Don't wait and see. Please.

You are so much stronger than you think OP; one day at a time and one foot in front of the other will eventually get you to a much happier, safer place.
Thank God your neighbour reported him.

I think it might help you to think of those process of getting over him a bit like an addict getting over a drug problem. You know you are trauma bonded to him and you also know he is very very bad for you. You don't miss him, you miss the predictability of his shitty actions. You miss the routine of him getting in a Horrendous mood, blading you, him hitting/hurting you, then him apologising and then you start to feel better as it's over and done with. Until the next time.

This is a very similar pattern as people that struggle with binge eating/drinking/drug taking etc. You feel out of your depth because your "normal" has been torn apart- you just aren't quite ready to see that it's a good thing yet. Let's be honest, it's scary for you. This is all brand new and you really do need to be nicer to yourself. Look up the freedom programme, take some time to pamper yourself and set small achievable lists of things you can do in a day or a week.

For me, I like a list of jobs that I NEED to do over 7 days. Like empty the bins, change bedding, hoover, go food shopping. Then some smaller jobs that may be nice to get done to make me feel better. Hair cut? Buy nail files for a diy manicure? . Every day I aim to one job from the need list and over job from the nice list.

I know its been said 100 times on this thread, but i wanted to pitch in with my well done you too.

You should be proud of yourself. Youve not deprived your children of their dad, youve shown them what a strong woman is thats willing to do what she needs to do to keep them safe.

As an ex officer, helping women of domestic violence was something i was very passionate about and i know how few manage to get away and stay away. Youve done brilliant, and im proud of you for taking such a step, its hard and you did it.

Enjoy the rest of your life x

@ImJustMum

I know its been said 100 times on this thread, but i wanted to pitch in with my well done you too.

You should be proud of yourself. Youve not deprived your children of their dad, youve shown them what a strong woman is thats willing to do what she needs to do to keep them safe.

As an ex officer, helping women of domestic violence was something i was very passionate about and i know how few manage to get away and stay away. Youve done brilliant, and im proud of you for taking such a step, its hard and you did it.

Enjoy the rest of your life x

Thank you so much, you must have seen things like this a lot, I feel a little more settled at home tonight and started to think of some of the things I don't miss about him.

Why do I feel like I don't want him to be jailed? I feel like I just want him separated for me but not locked up is this normal to feel this way?

@WeyAyeMan

Thank you so much for the information I'll be able to talk it through properly with people on Tuesday when everything opens back up I suppose

I wish I could speak to him, not in person, but just to see what he actually has to say about all of this

Op

Stay strong

The mistake I made was listening to him
Then feeling sorry and accepting his excuses

You can do this without an abuser

Likely he will try to kill you next time

So may people around to help
You are NOT ALONE xxxxxxxx

Another day done OP - you're doing so well! Hope you manage to get some nice sleep tonight

"Why do I feel like I don't want him to be jailed? I feel like I just want him separated for me but not locked up is this normal to feel this way?"

I would say that's because a small part of you is holding onto the idea that he may repent, that it's all been some massive mistake on his part, and that if he's not in jail, he'll be able to come around when he realises his mistake and it will all be hunky dory again.

That part of you needs to wake up to what the rest of you knows - that this is not going to happen.

You're probably also feeling sorry for him too - but you also need to let go of that. Remember again that this was his choice and he should be served justice for his choice.

And then maybe there's also a part of you that worries what he'll be like whenever he gets out of jail - but you can't worry about that now.

Why do I feel like I don't want him to be jailed? I feel like I just want him separated for me but not locked up is this normal to feel this way?

It’s totally natural because you’re a normal person with empathy and you don’t want someone who is part of your family to suffer. However, you need to mentally separate the man that you love(d) with the man that he actually is. Someone said it’s like a drug addiction - he’s your heroin - you know he’s not good, but you crave him because being without him causes you actual physical withdrawal symptoms. If you can think of this like rehab then you’ll know why he needs to be in jail. That way you don’t have any risk of accidentally ‘scoring a hit’ of him. You know he wouldn’t leave you and your DCs in peace. And the temptation to go back to him would be too strong for you at this point. If he serves some time, by the time he gets out you will have spent time in therapy, healing yourself, will have built a whole new life and family for you and your DCs, without the chaos and fear that he brings. It’s important to reframe him at this point. He’s gone from being the man you loved to an absolute monster. And he won’t ever go back again. He crossed a line. And thank god you survived. So many don’t.

Why do I feel like I don't want him to be jailed? I feel like I just want him separated for me but not locked up is this normal to feel this way?

@WeyAyeMan - short answer:
Your life has spun out of control.
You are facing the unknown.
You are in need of some semblance of normality.
You are now experiencing the shock of what happened - up to now adrenaline cushioned you.

Long version:
You have come to a watershed in your life. It has been foisted upon you by the heroic neighbour who called the police when she saw your bruises. You didn't ask for this big change, and there is a big part of you that wants to regain the illusion of control over your life that you thought you had before the police arrived.

When your days and nights are occupied with putting out fires, you tend to exist on fumes. You are constantly on the alert for slight changes of mood on the part of the abuser. Your brain goes into survival mode and stays there because the brain wants you to live. You have no time or headspace for strategic thinking, even for true responsiveness to your children in a situation like this, because you always have an eye on the 'weather'. You don't make plans. You try not to dwell on the big picture because that is a distraction from your state of alertness.

Now you have to change and adapt. It is incredibly hard, because your brain has been flooded with adrenaline during the acute period of the attack, and also during the entire rollercoaster period when you thought you had the situation somewhat under control.

You have been catapulted into unfamiliar territory and that is scary. You no longer feel any sense of control over your life. Fear is a gift - it helps us survive. But fear can also whisper to us that what is familiar isn't so bad, when fear of an abuser has combined with the illusion of control over the situation, which most women battered/abused over a period of time experience.

Many abused women report that they feel relieved when the physical abuse finally starts up again after a period of buildup. The tension beforehand is what is unbearable and scary. You are now in a sort of limbo. You don't know at all what will happen next, and you are feeling that the old familiar pattern would make you feel 'safer'.

He is literally the Devil you know.

Please, please, please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for support

Barely anything to add to mathsanxiety’s excellent post but worth finding out if you can access the Freedom programme - really helped me process what had happened and meet others in a similar situation.

Thank you @mathanxiety that really does make sense. I'm starting to sleep a little better but still waking up panicking and shaking.

Icontacted women in need but it's wwin I've been referred to, spoke to them briefly on Friday but then with it being nye everything's dwindled off for the bank holiday. I'm expecting my phone to go quite a lot tomorrow.

I'm sick of feeling like a bag of nerves. I have an early scan tomorrow. I just want to wake up from this nightmare

@WeyAyeMan

Thank you *@mathanxiety* that really does make sense. I'm starting to sleep a little better but still waking up panicking and shaking.

Icontacted women in need but it's wwin I've been referred to, spoke to them briefly on Friday but then with it being nye everything's dwindled off for the bank holiday. I'm expecting my phone to go quite a lot tomorrow.

I'm sick of feeling like a bag of nerves. I have an early scan tomorrow. I just want to wake up from this nightmare

@WeyAyeMan you've been incredibly brave. What you are experiencing is trauma - you didn't ever expect this would happen to you.

You know you have to plough this furrow, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's completely natural to mourn the life you thought you'd have. And to mourn the man you loved. Totally normal.

However, you WILL come through this. Plenty of us have done, and (although it takes time and tricky navigation), what's waiting for you the other end is worth waiting for, I promise.

You'll look back and be amazed that you ever put up with it. Imagine a life where you don't have to tiptoe around. Where there's no danger you will be hit. Where your children are safe, and you can do the things that make you happy! Life as a single mum can have a LOT of advantages! Meet up with others in similar situations, you'll find you have a good support network. Plus you have family who I'm sure will help you through.

You've done an incredibly brave thing. You've protected not only yourself, but your child and also your unborn child. Parent relationships are blueprints for their own children; you want to teach them that this is not a healthy relationship. They'll thank you for it.

Well done @WeyAyeMan - post on here as often as you need.

Thank you. I guess what I'm struggling with is it wasn't as if he would bully me or randomly hit me. He did sometimes have mood swings and silent treatment but I would do that back to him.

When he hit me we had been arguing, he was saying to me I'm making him angry and I kept arguing. I know no one deserves to be attacked like that arguing or not, but I can't get it out of my head if I had of just stopped arguing this wouldn't of happened.

Generally when we weren't arguing the relationship was good.

@WeyAyeMan

Thank you. I guess what I'm struggling with is it wasn't as if he would bully me or randomly hit me. He did sometimes have mood swings and silent treatment but I would do that back to him.

When he hit me we had been arguing, he was saying to me I'm making him angry and I kept arguing. I know no one deserves to be attacked like that arguing or not, but I can't get it out of my head if I had of just stopped arguing this wouldn't of happened.

Generally when we weren't arguing the relationship was good.

It's like you've said though, it's the cycle of abuse.

Everyone argues. You can't live your life saying " if had just stopped arguing this wouldn't have happened" because everyone argues. But you can't live without knowing you've got full freedom to express yourself, otherwise you might be hit... think about it, it's crazy. You wouldn't want that for your daughter, and it's not right for you either.

And yes, I'm sure he has a "nice side" - otherwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him. But unfortunately his bad side is enough that he's not safe to be around.

Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you feel, all emotions are valid! It will get better

Another one giving you some support.

One of the hardest parts will be the "what ifs"
What if I stopped arguing
What if I stayed silent
What if I didn't react

The best outcome for now is that you and your babies are safe. You have until the court hearing to begin sorting your life without him in it with no fear.
Thank goodness you have your brother for support, if your friends are not understanding that's unfortunate but please don't allow them to minimise it in any way.
Hopefully you'll start hearing from the companies that will help you from tomorrow and please lean on them as much as you can.
Make a list of things to do for longer term to be firm you don't want him back - doesn't need to have a timescale etc
Is the house in both names?
If able to, pack up his belongings and get a family member of his to collect from the garden.
Get council tax and bills changed to your name
See what support is available for moving house/income etc start afresh
Take any counselling offered, speak to gp

You can do this ♥️

@Michellebops

Another one giving you some support.

One of the hardest parts will be the "what ifs"
What if I stopped arguing
What if I stayed silent
What if I didn't react

The best outcome for now is that you and your babies are safe. You have until the court hearing to begin sorting your life without him in it with no fear.
Thank goodness you have your brother for support, if your friends are not understanding that's unfortunate but please don't allow them to minimise it in any way.
Hopefully you'll start hearing from the companies that will help you from tomorrow and please lean on them as much as you can.
Make a list of things to do for longer term to be firm you don't want him back - doesn't need to have a timescale etc
Is the house in both names?
If able to, pack up his belongings and get a family member of his to collect from the garden.
Get council tax and bills changed to your name
See what support is available for moving house/income etc start afresh
Take any counselling offered, speak to gp

You can do this ♥️

I completely agree, the what ifs are killing me, as is processing all of these emotions. I just feel like I am drowning in pain.

He doesn't have anybody else in this country. He moved here 3 years ago in with me and has literally nobody else, that's the main reason he couldn't be bailed. I keep wondering if we will ever be able to communicate so atleast it could be an amicable ending. I think it's because if the baby and being pregnant why I'm feeling like this

He tried to kill you - the time for being amicable is past.

You didn’t cause this by continuing to argue with him - I have arguments with my husband but he would never do anything violent, normal people can have an argument without seriously hurting each other.

You're feeling responsible for him and you don't need to be.

Hi. I was badly beaten by a man when living abroad. I managed to flee to the safety of home. He could have killed me. I still spent the weeks after my return staring at him for hours and hours on Skype calls. I felt obsessed. Like I'd lost my one true love. I managed to put a stop to that when he started to call my family home with threats. If we'd been in the same country I'd have probably gone back.

I only very recently found out about trauma bonding, but until then I couldn't understand that period of still loving/being obsessed with him. I just through it was part of my weakness. I'm so glad I understand now as I can process better - 8 years later.

I'm sharing as I want you as I want you to keep reminding yourself that you are already doing so well and you're way ahead of the game. It is so painful but you will get through it as you can name it for what it is.

Thank you for sharing your stories, I really am taking in everything everyone has said to me in this thread I'm so grateful.
I'm just struggling with the mental pain of all of this

I can't get it out of my head if I had of just stopped arguing this wouldn't of happened.

The extension of this is that if you had him back, in years to come your children, being children, would annoy and anger him at times. Would you blame them for making him hit them?

You have to continue to be strong to save them from an abusive father. You've done amazingly well, but you have to keep going, and you mustn't weaken when it comes to giving evidence. If you start minimising or blaming yourself, it's likely that he will come back into your children's lives and be abusive to them. You can't let that happen.

He could have killed you. His behaviour will escalate. 2 women are killed each week by abusive controlling men. You need to block him - yes you are probably trauma bonded to him. It does pass over time. You cannot fix this man - no one can - it’s not love he feels for you - it’s contempt. He wants you to “shut up” - if it wouldn’t have been this time - it will be another - there will always be something that pissed him off.
Please stay away from him - protect your children - yourself. You need to follow the advice of the police and social services - I hope he gets a prison sentence. You will need a restraining order and to be moved if not. Take care and put yourself first.

The fact you are saying, 'It feels wrong'"tells me you are not truly feeling safe. I know you WANT it to work but please know this behaviour will get so much worse when baby no. 2 arrives.

I lived with DV for 25 years and was bonded to DP. Honestly it's true what people says it only gets worse. The bonding is on your side, men who abuse and terrify women and babies enjoy the power. No matter what they say it will never change. Please get out now. Get an injunction. The police are already involved so makes it easier for you to access services. You may need help and support from SW department and they can and will help you to keep your resolve.

You need therapy to address the cycle of abuse. He could really damage your baby please move forward and nip it in the bud. You can do it.