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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 04/01/2022 00:16

You’re sounding stronger already. You’ve done so well.
I didn’t have violence anything like yours, mine was more mental abuse , threatening but it almost destroyed me as a person.
I was determined never to let any man treat me badly ever again.
Stay strong & sleep safely tonight.

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 00:20

@Suzanne999
Sorry you went through that, mental abuse is equally as painful. I am feeling stronger tonight, thank you

Goodnight 😴

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 04/01/2022 00:48

You sound so much stronger than the beginning of the thread. My ex was arrested for strangling me. I wanted to ask him if I should press charges so know exactly how you feel.
I didn’t leave at that point. I did end up in a refuge. It took me time to realise how controlled I was.

My ex when he found out I was in a refuge. I asked him what he thought would happen. He thought he would just say sorry and carry on as before. They expect to get away with it.

You are doing so well just give yourself time c

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 07:43

I woke up with the same absolute panic this morning and shock that he's not here and just reminded myself of how much my daughter needs me and how she'd be feeling if her mam wasn't here. I'm ok I'll get through today Smile

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 04/01/2022 07:58

OP you are so brave. Enjoy your day with your beautiful daughter who has a very strong mummy.

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 08:20

@Feelingoktoday

OP you are so brave. Enjoy your day with your beautiful daughter who has a very strong mummy.
Thank you. I'm dreading today really as I have the early pregnancy scan soon and then I'm expecting my phone to start going with the various agencies, meeting with social worker etc. but I've managed to put some makeup on today, I feel like I've woken up with purpose this morning
OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/01/2022 09:03

I think you have no true idea just how strong you are.

Your daughter is so lucky to still have you in her life.

Have you thought about this pregnancy and whether it might be wise not to continue it?

Of course the decision is yours, but the two most important people are you and the baby you have.

Two babies under 18months would be an absolute huge responsibility.

Flowers
bettertocryinamercedes · 04/01/2022 09:26

Sending love and hugs and a reminder that you can do this.

You are lucky to be alive

And putting him in jail, where he deserves to be, will keep you safe and your children

It will also keep other women safe so he doesn't go on and abuse someone else.

I hope your scan goes well today Daffodil

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 10:54

Thank you so much

Everything went well with the scan, waiting for the social worker now.

@billy1966 I saw the heartbeat, this baby was planned and I love him or her already I can't even think about that. Although I do understand it will be so hard

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 04/01/2022 11:20

Oh such good news OP. So glad you saw a little heartbeat to reassure you.
I have a 17 month age gap between my first two DC and they have such a special bond. Sure it will be hard in the very early days but hopefully you will get a bit of support from family and friends.
Wishing you all the best with your new little family.

But seconding an earlier poster to get that non-molestation order sorted out just in case your ex gets released at any time.
Also an occupation order if your ex has any rights over the home you live in.
Also can you get some help with getting your ex's belongings out? To a neutral place if he has nowhere he can store them.

StrongbutTired00 · 04/01/2022 12:39

@WeyAyeMan I had more or less identical to your situation and my ex got bailed until court which was a few weeks later and he got 9 months in prison so served about 4. The judge imposed a 10 year restriction order but I contacted the court to have this removed as I wanted contact. Also if you drop all charges the CPS will still take this on and charge him in your absence even with no statement from you if there is other evidence or witnesses. Hope this helps. Thinking of you and your babies today Flowers

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 13:43

[quote StrongbutTired00]@WeyAyeMan I had more or less identical to your situation and my ex got bailed until court which was a few weeks later and he got 9 months in prison so served about 4. The judge imposed a 10 year restriction order but I contacted the court to have this removed as I wanted contact. Also if you drop all charges the CPS will still take this on and charge him in your absence even with no statement from you if there is other evidence or witnesses. Hope this helps. Thinking of you and your babies today Flowers[/quote]
Thank you so much, did you have children to him?

I've basically had to reassure social services that my relationship has ended with him, but when the time comes I do want him to have some form of contact with his children

OP posts:
StrongbutTired00 · 04/01/2022 13:57

@WeyAyeMan no I didn’t have children with him. The judge refused to lift the order at first, told me to go away and think about it and come back. He said he has been in that job long enough to know these men don’t change and I would end up being killed Sad I ridiculously like you missed him and went back to court again to say I was sure what I wanted and it was lifted. We spoke and wrote everyday when he was in prison, he was very sorry etc. he never hurt me again after being released but the relationship didn’t work out and we split for good. It will be different for you with having kids to him so there will have to be some sort of contact, that will be super hard for you if you’re trying to stay strong and not go back x

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 14:00

@StrongbutTired00 oh bless you, I m glad he never hurt you again. We won't ever be together again I've accepted that, but I do want him to have contact with his children in an appropriate way

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 18:23

I'm so pleased to hear the scan went well, another thing ticked off - you're doing brilliantly!

Let us know how the social workers visit goes if you want to Thanks

REignbow · 04/01/2022 18:33

@WeyAyeMan

I really think that you should take advise from SS about contact with your DC.

Often contact is used by men like him, to manipulate and abuse you further. Just look at the many threads, where the abuser insists that contact takes place at the child’s home, or where they pick and choose when/where they see the DC, they plant tracking devices etc.

Also, think about this.

He very violently abused you (strangled, pulled your hair) all whilst your baby was in a car seat. Your baby would have picked up on this. He has not only abused you but also BOTH your DC.

IMO, I would let him take you to court.

Please remember he may be their father, but he is not a good one. And the fact that the police and SS are taking this so seriously (and he wasn’t bailed) you tell you everything.

Keep posting but also ask for some therapy, because it will help shut down the voice that hopes he’ll change etc.

whynotwhatknot · 04/01/2022 18:48

I wouldnt drop the charges or refuse to speak against him this might go against you with ss and you wont get free legal representation when it comes to access

it need to be on record that you are in a dv relationship and youve done everything to protect your children

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 19:22

[quote REignbow]@WeyAyeMan

I really think that you should take advise from SS about contact with your DC.

Often contact is used by men like him, to manipulate and abuse you further. Just look at the many threads, where the abuser insists that contact takes place at the child’s home, or where they pick and choose when/where they see the DC, they plant tracking devices etc.

Also, think about this.

He very violently abused you (strangled, pulled your hair) all whilst your baby was in a car seat. Your baby would have picked up on this. He has not only abused you but also BOTH your DC.

IMO, I would let him take you to court.

Please remember he may be their father, but he is not a good one. And the fact that the police and SS are taking this so seriously (and he wasn’t bailed) you tell you everything.

Keep posting but also ask for some therapy, because it will help shut down the voice that hopes he’ll change etc.[/quote]
This is very good advice.

A man that would kill a woman and deprive children of their mother will never be a good presence in a childs life.

Every good wish for your pregnancy.
Flowers

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 20:08

Thank you very much for the advice. It's been a pretty full on day I forgot to ask about therapy but I know I NEED that desperately so I'll ring women in need back tomorrow about that.

The social worker at this stage was just basically asking about family tree, what my wishes are. I explained that I do not want to be in a relationship with him, would like our lives to be separate and one day would want him to have supervised contact with our children.
She's helping look into a move to a different area so he won't be aware of where we live. It seemed pretty positive but this is all so new and raw to me.

It seems like pretty much a waiting game until we see what happens end of Jan

OP posts:
Moretodo · 04/01/2022 20:16

Plenty of abusers also kill the children to spite their mother. Then kill themselves. Sometimes they kill the mother and children.
There was that case up north recently where the abuser killed mum, her two children and their friend.

Sorry to say OP, there is no appropriate contact. I think you are clutching at straws.
Even if he puts the "nice" mask on for contact abuse is also ambient, it's in the air, conduct, body language, and tone of perpetrators.
It's in the things they say, and don't say.
The only way you can be sure, is not to have him around the children.

How will you feel if he coaches them to hate you? There's just too many variables.
Stop trying to do the right thing by him, he has shown you utter contempt.

Suggest reading Lundy Bancroft as often as you can so you can really get a handle on what has happened here and who you are dealing with.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 20:25

The social worker at this stage was just basically asking about family tree, what my wishes are. I explained that I do not want to be in a relationship with him, would like our lives to be separate and one day would want him to have supervised contact with our children.

Remember OP that her priority is ensuing the children are safeguarded.

I would be saying that you want separate lives and are aware that if he were to pursue contact it would need to go through the courts as he is a violent offender and you would want to feel confident that his suitability for contact was robustly vetted and that a supervision plan would be put in place, before considering him having contact with them.

Otherwise if you say 'ideally I'd like him to end up having supervised contact' it can be deemed as you prioritising contact over safeguarding if that makes sense?

I know that's not what you're doing but you need to show from right now and onwards, a consistent commitment to keeping that man away from your children unless the court demands you facilitate contact in which case you'll comply but only after all safeguarding measures are put in place.

She's asked your wishes. I would be saying something like "my priority is the kids and I being safe, whatever that takes. I'm happy to be relocated for our safety and to comply with the system to ensure as many safeguards are in place as possible at every stage of the next months and years. Contact will obviously be something the courts will need to show is safe as I do not want direct contact with him and I am not comfortable with him being around the children unless officials have deemed him safe to have supervised contact and they can walk me through all the safeguarding measures there would be to protect the kids." Etc. And mean it!

Your SW is going to be checking your stance isn't softening / you aren't at risk of allowing him contact that could put you, the kids and the court process in danger.

I hope that all made sense, sorry if it was a bit garbled Thanks

WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 20:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn

That does make perfect sense thank you, that is how I feel but you've worded it better than me, I am exhausted and just feel like my head is up my arse at the moment.

Im being too soft even thinking of him having any contact with the children. In the future, im still trying to do the right thing by him although I would only allow supervised, despite what he did to me 😔

OP posts:
WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 20:57

@REignbow thank you for the advice, do you know if this is something that could be sorted prior to release, say for example he serves two years before he's out would it be possible to have court orders etc in place, or would I have to wait till he's out and then start the whole process of court for contact?

I just want this over and done with and him out my life as soon as possible

OP posts:
WeyAyeMan · 04/01/2022 20:59

@Moretodo I probably am clutching at straws a bit with misplaced loyalty to him and wanting him to have some form of contact with his kids. It just really confused me because straight away the social worker was talking about how his contact may work so it seemed as if some level of supervised contact they feel would be appropriate. I don't know, it's probably a long way off yet

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 21:00

I completely understand your head is still in an absolute spin bless you Thanks

But you need to show the SW and anyone else you deal with that your only priority is the kids being safe (which requires you to be safe too). Be absolutely laser focused and clear about that. Any mention of wanting to make sure he's ok, feeling you want to be fair and make sure he has some sort of relationship with the kids etc is red flag territory and rightly so.

They need to see that there is zero chance you'll be persuaded by him to facilitate contact / withdraw statements / change stories / give him unofficial access etc.

Be super, super, super clear every time you speak to them so that they can note down "weyayeman continues to be committed to the safety and wellbeing of her children, noting she will not allow any access even unsupervised until such a time as the courts deem it safe, if ever" for example. That's the sort of note you want, not "weyayeman mentioned she is open to (arseholeman) building a relationship with the kids". See how different they sound and how one is clear you're putting the kids first?

Really try to do that in every conversation you have with anyone Thanks

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