DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

Can you get in touch with the DV case workers on Tues to check with them about giving evidence? They would know best I think. You’ve been through so much - glad your brother is so supportive - to you

@WeyAyeMan

I keep panicking and thinking to myself I really don't want to give evidence against him. What would happen if I don't? I just can't shake this feeling of utter panic

You are not giving evidence AGAINST anyone. You are simply giving evidence. What happens as a result of that is out of your hands.

Making statements, giving evidence in court - all this is, is the opportunity for you to give a truthful account about what happened to you. The consequences of his actions are just that - a result of HIS actions.

You can request special measures in the courtroom, so that you can give your evidence from behind a screen. This means that he will not be able to see you when you do so, and is a real help in ensuring that the quality of your evidence is not affected by anxiety and the emotion of the day.

There are now some great special measures your legal team can request and as a victim of DV you meet the requirements for these.

Have a look through - https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/special-measures

You don't have to deal with that now.
You could be thinking of it every day until the hearing and it ruin every day.
Could you say to yourself, when you know the date of the hearing you will make a time to think and prepare? (Unless it is helping you to think about it).

Focus on today, your DD, fresh air, eating well, rest, and calm.
Try the breathing technique, the longer out breath.
Cup of tea?
Keep talking.
Take it easy if you can.

Thank you so much for the information I'll be able to talk it through properly with people on Tuesday when everything opens back up I suppose

I wish I could speak to him, not in person, but just to see what he actually has to say about all of this

OP, I just wanted to say I have read the thread and I am so so sorry.

Please remember that this man that you love or you think loves you, tried to kill and you and your unborn child. Nothing he has to say can alter that fact. He is dangerous and unhinged and an insult to any loving father and partner.

Please don't fear telling your side of the story. You should really fear what will happen if he comes back to stay.

You need to be strong now for your beautiful children. The ones he tried to destroy by killing their mother. He is a cockroach.

@WeyAyeMan, my daughter was you several years ago.
I am unsure what the final straw was, probably SS telling her she would lose her child if she didn't end it.
He had reduced my daughter to 6 stone of quivering wreck by the time it was over. As a mother watching that unable to get through to my beautiful girl was just heartbreaking. I really wanted something bad to happen to him, but knew she'd side with him and try and protect him if it did 😪
She's been out of that for 7 years now. It isn't easy, but your child/children will be your shining light in the dark.
Accept all the support you are offered.
Each day/hour/minute you and the kids are away from him is a little victory. Your strength has got you to this point.

Im sad to hear washing your hair is going to be painful for you. If your brother would be willing can you ask for his help? I understand (I'm also a dv survivor) that asking for help goes against the grain but its a simple thing to start with 💜
I wish you and your wee family all the very best for a wonderful and safe future 💐

Op you have done the right thing in telling the police everything, You really have. Thank good your neighbour spotted you and saved you and your kids from a life of torment and possibly ending in murder.

As for the charges being dropped, you absolutely must not do that. This is your chance to break free and have a life. This is your chance to protect your children and yourself.

I was in your shoes years ago, with a toddler and a newborn. My ex beat me bloody every few weeks and it started the day before I gave birth to my first when he made me sleep in the garden after giving me two black eyes and punch to the kidneys so hard that I peed blood. Every few weeks he would start again. I finally got free when my eldest was 3 and my baby 20 months. Not because I was brave enough to go to the police about my problems but because my 24 yo baby sitter told me he had raped her the night before. So I called the police. Then it all unraveled, Told them everything.

I thought that was it, but as the years went by it became very clear that my two kids had very deep seated trauma that has strictly affected them. My eldest has a personality disorder and attachment issues, my son has ASD and really struggled to make or maintain a friendship or relationship. He's terrified he is like his dad (even though I've never spoken negatively about him). He's now a 23 yo porn addict loner that barely leaves the house.

You have the perfect change right now, to be brave, get extensive counselling and therapy etc and put brand new cast iron boundaries in place. This will protect you and your kids and for them at least, it will likely never affect the rest of their lives.

Take the help. Imagine him a tiny little man in a paper boat and close your eyes and literally blow him away every time he pops into your mind. Don't entertain him or hood voice. Replace it with positive things that benefit YOU.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories they really do help

I just feel so so messed up today, I feel physically ill with all of this and just don't know what do to. I can't have my brother or anyone here 24-7 and I'm feeling a bit alone. It's stupid I know but I just feel like I'm not coping.

Will I ever be able to speak to him again?
I don't want to be with him but these are the questions that are popping up in my head

All that can come of you speaking to him is him remaining in your head for longer. The man who could have killed you, killed your baby, left your child orphaned, locked you inside for days, weeks, months, years, destroyed your future and isolated you from everyone you love. That man.

The longer you don't speak to him, the smaller his presence will become in your brain, making room for positive new memories and more capacity to enjoy your kids and loved ones.

Eventually, if you don't speak to him ever again, his presence in your brain will be so small it will be outweighed by all the positive new memories and activities. It will always be there because that's what trauma does, it changes us permanently. But it doesn't have to define us. It can be a permanent but minority part of our thoughts.

I hope that makes sense at least a bit

If you speak to him, he will be insincere.
Even if he says he is sorry. It wasn't an accident.
It was a deliberate brutal attack.

I'm guessing this was not the first assault as it was so severe. What has he said before? He would probably say that.

You can't fix him.
You can only save yourself.

Keep talking on here.
You are not alone. Lots of us following and listening and thinking of you.

You say you feel messed up and like you are not coping. This is completely normal at this stage. You have been through a dreadful violent assault as well as whatever conditioning was going on before.

Just live this day. This hour. This moment.

Thank you so so much, can't stop crying I'm just a shaking mess. I keep panicking and just want it all to go away.

I wish he hadn't done this 😢 but need to remind myself if it wasn't Christmas Day it would have been another time. I'm just broken. Why do I miss him. Why can I not stop thinking about him

OP, you are so brave. One day your children will tell you that they love you and appreciate every little thing you have done for them.

You are also a hero, you've saved them from a future of trauma, uncertainty and violence.

You need to let yourself feel every emotion related to this; feel it, accept it, and move on. The feelings will be less intense one day.

How old are you? You sound young. I want to let you know that there is no point in wondering what he thinks about the situation because his not guilty plea should tell you everything there is to know about his feelings. He can't even be decent enough to admit that he is the perpetrator of a criminal act against you. An admission of guilt would show that he feels some kind of remorse, apparently he doesn't think you deserve that, so I hope he enjoys his next month in custody.

When it goes to court, you remind yourself that you are the victim, HIS victim, and you simply state what happened to you. It's not evidence against him, it's just evidence. The crown already believe they have enough evidence to take him to court and prove his guilt, your involvement will help the case immensely. It will require great strength and clarity, the same strength and clarity you have today. You can do it x

I just wanted to add my support, OP. You've been so brave and you are doing so well. Keep cuddling your wee one and reach out to people IRL for support x

Thank you both, I am being completely honest with family how I'm feeling. I'm just heartbroken and afraid.
I'm 30

Don't worry about giving evidence. That is several weeks away, and you will be over the shock and fear you are feeling now. For now just concentrate on getting through the days, and looking after yourself and your DD. Hopefully by the time the trial comes up you will be feeling a lot stronger, and will have found your anger that he is calling you a liar, and putting you through the trial at all. You are doing amazingly well.

It's a long road but a worthwhile one x

My DSIS went through several concurrent abusive relationships and she struggled with trauma bonding.

Keep talking to family and friends. I understood the trauma bonding, but I also immediately saw through the veneer of her ex partners.

Whilst my sister was still in the hazy days of love we saw the narcassism, the refusal to speak to female members of family, the alcohol tremors, the beginnings of financial abuse.

Whenever she wavered I reminded her of these, gently.

Some she was not aware of, as she was so blinded and in love. But by talking to friends, family, women's aid and also his exes, the scales slowly dropped from her eyes.

OP you were me 11yrs ago. The boiling frog analogy is so spot on, I was working, juggling kids and childcare, keeping the house going and he was .. finding fault with everything. The last straw was that he hot our child for no reason. I now know that was basically a threat to me, that he was in charge etc. He didn't bargain on tiger mum instincts. He then seriously assaulted me. I too was in shock but took my 3babies and left. Unfortunately I had to go through divorce etc. The thing that stuck in my head was - don't be a statistic, you are worth more than that. There's so much wisdom on this thread and although difficult, you are doing brilliantly. Stay strong and take all the help and support available. Take care of yourself and your family 💞

@WeyAyeMan

I've spoken to women in need and have a key worker already, to be fair the police and other services have been good to me but it's just the shock.

I feel heartbroken, things were calm before they arrested him he had been back to his nice self which is making it worse. I know this is the cycle of abuse, but it's killing me 😢

I went to stay with my brother last night but the baby wouldn't settle so I'm back home in our own bed, it's horrible being back here alone, I know I'm safe, but just feels wrong

Sweetheart, it sounds like he may well kill you if you can’t separate from him emotionally. If I was your friend and told you my DP had attacked me repeatedly, then imprisoned me. He’s now been arrested and I’m alone with baby at home —— what would you say? Welcome him back to beat me again? Wait until he half kills me? Please look realistically at what he is —- do you really want your children growing up with that?

@WeyAyeMan

Thank you so much for the information I'll be able to talk it through properly with people on Tuesday when everything opens back up I suppose

I wish I could speak to him, not in person, but just to see what he actually has to say about all of this

One thing I can assure you of - whatever you want to know from him, he will NOT give you true answers. You want to know why - what went wrong - why he did what he did, did you do something? There is no answer that will help you.

He will already have twisted it all in his head to make it entirely your fault - which is, of course a LIE.
All you will get if you ask him questions will be lies and gaslighting. Even if he apologises, cries, and promises to "never do it again" - THAT will be lies too.

Remember that he chose to do this to you. It was entirely in his control - and he CHOSE to do this. The only reason is because he wanted to - he wanted to exert his dominance over you and keep you in his power. That is the ONLY reason.

You are doing well, however shaky and panicky you are feeling - these feelings will start to pass. Once you know that he's not coming back, that he can't come back, then hopefully these feelings will ease, because they're based in fear - fear of what he might do if he's allowed back to your home.

It's in our nature to miss the "status quo" - but again, remember HE is the one who destroyed it, because he felt like it.

Stay strong, lovely - you can do this.

I completely understand I am just struggling being home alone without him, struggling alone with a baby without him. It's all totally irrational but I just feel like I can't do this

Sweetheart you're already doing this - look how you've got through since he half killed you.
You've done well, you've looked after your little one and kept you both going. One step at a time, don't look too far ahead, that can wait for now.
You've joined the ranks of millions of brave single women who are leading good lives with their children.
You'll get there.

You can totally do this OP. I feel so proud of you and I don't even know you!

You've been brave, put your little ones first and are determined to make a better life for them.

Next Christmas you'll spend the day absolutely wrapped up in how gorgeous they both are, watching them interact and get to know each other at such lovely ages, unwrapping some presents and watching some silly Christmas movies together.

Keep your eye on the prize - a lifetime of lovely memories with your little ones, minus the arsehole who would could have left them motherless