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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/01/2022 23:52

You could get your lovely friend a subscription to a snack / cookie / chocolate delivery - there are some lovely ones from small businesses on Not on the High Street Thanks

You're doing so bloody well!

nalabae · 27/01/2022 01:06

The nice man doesnt exist, he is not who he said he was. He is the man who punched and hurt you, you need to accept this.

Bunce1 · 27/01/2022 07:50

That’s a fair wedge of cash!

I like jewellery and can recommend Missoma for some very on green gold hoops. You might even get the end of the sale. Rachel Jackson is also nice. I have a small silver bagel with etched stars in it from there- very pretty. I have a discount code if you want it. DM me if you see anything you like.

Also

drink water
eat something
Grin

Hope you got some much needed sleep last night xxxx

Moretodo · 27/01/2022 11:31

Ooh presents!
How about a hotel chocolat gift?

Their chocolate is wonderful.

I was gifted a drawer / box of this years ago and have never forgotten it.
And it lasted ages.
Luxurious.

Moretodo · 27/01/2022 11:34

Does your friend have a favourite perfume?
Chanel have bath oils which are divine, soaps etc.

A massage/reflexology/preferred treatment voucher local to your friend?

Those would be a winner for me.

Laurelon · 27/01/2022 12:27

@WeyAyeMan You're doing so well Smile . It's probably already been said, but if you don't already have a passport for your daughter then it would be worth applying for one, just to make sure that ex can't apply for one once he's out of prison/if he gets bailed somehow.

It may also be worth changing the locks. The last thing you want is to wake up to find your ex present at the house because he's been bailed and someone forgot to tell you

dane8 · 27/01/2022 13:15

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Bunce1 · 27/01/2022 14:09

*on trend. Not in green 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 27/01/2022 14:21

Ahhh these are such good ideas, thank you 😊
I think I'm going to go for a couple of things, jewellery, some nice notepads and pens and hotel chocolat 😊

OP posts:
chesterelly1 · 27/01/2022 17:08

On a present thread on here ages ago I saw the advice to think about what the person likes/uses/does and buy the best quality you can for them. So I've got a friend who always complains of cold feet, I gave her cashmere socks and she was delighted, Hotel Chocolat for chocolate lovers, really nice leather binder and inserts for the friend that's always making lists, bamboo knitting needles in a couple of sizes for my knitter friend (I'd no clue but the lady in the wool shop said they were the best). It's definitely made my present buying easier. I'm sure your friend will appreciate your effort more than anything though.

Queenie6655 · 28/01/2022 11:14

Hope you are doing well OP

What have you found useful recently? Or what helps to make you feel calm and take your mind of things?

I had so few ways to cope I was just stuck to my phone deleting messages from my abuser and obsessing then over how he was despite what he did

Those days were so rough
I think of my dd and how she coped with me acting so crazy

Xxxxxxx

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 28/01/2022 11:18

@Queenie6655 I'm ok thank you. I'm trying to not be on my phone too much, that's when I get a bit obsessive about everything.

I just keep telling myself that the way I'm feeling won't last forever, and 'what will be will be' and I've realised I can survive without him. Even when it hurts and I thought I couldn't, I'm doing it.

Been keeping myself busy with my daughter and my friend has been in touch a lot, she's coming to see me tomorrow. Going to visit grandparents soon 😊 hope you're lovely baby's over her cold xxxxx

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 28/01/2022 11:34

Thanks so much

All good here thankfully
Just the usual stress of a newborn and the worry all the time

Glad to hear you have good people around you
Stay strong

You have done amazing so far xxxxxx

Bunce1 · 28/01/2022 21:43

Sounds like you’ve got a nice weekend planned. Smile. Enjoy!

You’ve got a lot of positives in your life and it’s great to take time and smell the roses now and again. Good for you! Have a great time with your friend xx

NettleTea · 29/01/2022 11:05

I think that realisation that you can survive without him is really important. Before I imagine he had gradually created a situation where he was in control, and, even if you thought you were free, he still would have the final say on stuff - so your world became very small - just focussed on keeping him happy and looking after the baby.

But now those mental shackles have loosened I think you will see that the world is a huge place and every bit of it is open to you. Initially you feel scared, because he has created a mindset that only the small family unit, and him as all powerful, can keep you safe and secure, even though the reality was that he was the danger to you both. So with him removed it feels frightening - a bit like a caged wild creature who has relied on their captor to provide them with food. But once you can take those tentative steps outside of the cage, you can see that you are free, and ready to run and never look back.

Queenie6655 · 29/01/2022 20:15

@NettleTea

I think that realisation that you can survive without him is really important. Before I imagine he had gradually created a situation where he was in control, and, even if you thought you were free, he still would have the final say on stuff - so your world became very small - just focussed on keeping him happy and looking after the baby.

But now those mental shackles have loosened I think you will see that the world is a huge place and every bit of it is open to you. Initially you feel scared, because he has created a mindset that only the small family unit, and him as all powerful, can keep you safe and secure, even though the reality was that he was the danger to you both. So with him removed it feels frightening - a bit like a caged wild creature who has relied on their captor to provide them with food. But once you can take those tentative steps outside of the cage, you can see that you are free, and ready to run and never look back.

Yes my gosh isn't that so true

Have a lovely weekend OP

And well done again !!!!

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 29/01/2022 21:54

Thank you everyone enjoying my weekend my friend has just left so off to bed I'm exhausted so hopeful I will sleep well.

Tomorrow another friends visiting with her baby so they can play together, I'm feeling ok 😊

OP posts:
dane8 · 29/01/2022 23:56

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Mintyt · 30/01/2022 10:44

Wishing you well, have a nice Sunday

dane8 · 30/01/2022 13:05

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 13:10

Have a lovely day today with your friend OP Thanks

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 30/01/2022 16:14

Thank you 😊

The court liaison called me, I should have an update tomorrow afternoon. I'm tearful today but it's expected really.

OP posts:
Moretodo · 30/01/2022 16:39

It's a trigger isn't it, I know how it feels.
Good to have a few tears, let it out, it's all part of the process.

You are doing so very well.

Are you reading some Lundy Bancroft? I found it so helpful.

How is your appetite now, is it coming back?
Thinking of you. Xx

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 30/01/2022 17:17

It's really hard. It's the unknown, overthinking and overthinking.

Yeah thankfully i am eating better now. Not a lot before I start to feel sick but better than I was a few weeks ago. Can't believe I've nearly made it to the day, it felt like a lifetime away x

OP posts:
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