DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

Thank you so much,to be honest, I know it's a long road and there will be hugs and lows and very lows. But, I'm amazed already at just how slightly less painful it's becoming @Suzanne999 you have helped me, so so much. This thread has been absolutely invaluable to me.
I really hope it, or even maybe one day, I, can also help somebody going through similar

Just reading your account of what he did to you is so upsetting. I’m so sorry that he hurt you like that.

He’s a bad man.

You’re little one- does she like being swaddled? My Dd liked it and also had a dummy. The swaddling might help with the moving around?

I hope you’re brain starts to calm down a bit and gives you some rest.

What’s on the agenda today?

Slow morning again @Bunce1 going to have breakfast, then later midwife appointment and to visit grandparents.

And then when I get home I need to change bedding. Nothing much else. The days are so boring. What are your plans?

She doesn't like swaddling the most I can get away with is a gro bag. I looked on the wonder weeks app and she's in a leap, I know it's not gospel but maybe that ontop of picking up on my anxiety may be why her sleeps so terrible. She's never been a very good sleeper to be honest, but never this bad. I'm permanently exhausted

Baby has had changes as well. Dad was here, now he's not. Mum's upset. Things are different, her 'normal' has changed and of course she can't articulate.
I'm not saying it is this, but might be a factor.

You just go to keep loving her as you are doing, reassuring her, and keeping you both safe.
And reassure and love yourself too. You are making some good decisions now.

On to today, nice clean bed sheets. Try and get a bath in? A herbal sleep tea? Chamomile is good.
I just got the twinings sleep one, not sure of its potency yet 😁
I was up til silly o'clock and forgot all about it.

Thinking of you!

@WeyAyeMan given the severity of his behaviour, and how small your child is, it may be best to go no contact at all. Is his name on your baby's birth certificate? With way, since he's not married to you, you don't have to put his name on your second child's birth certificate when they are born, and if his name isn't on there then he has no parental responsibility for that child, si it would be harder for him to try and use your children to control you

@Laurelon his name is on our daughters birth certificate, getting a non molestation order so there will be no contact

[quote WeyAyeMan]@REignbow ah I know bless her. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling frustrated, it's just full on sometimes when she fights her sleep, she's sound asleep now 😊

When I feel like I miss him, I picture what he did to me and then ask myself why didn't he stop when I was shouting I'm pregnant, why did he punch me in the nose and make that bleed after he already saw tiny eye rapidly swelling and the blood from my mouth. I just keep reminding myself of the fact he chose to continue despite seeing what he was doing to me. It's not possible for somebody to love you and do that to you. When I think of that, the longing missing him feeling quickly disappears [/quote]
What a brute

This man needs to pay for all the suffering he has caused

How dare he!!!

Also Is someone helping with the dogs?
Hope you get them back soon

Would love to be able to help in some ways
I feel like I am ready my own story from almost four years ago

The dogs are with my grandparents but that's been difficult I haven't been able to see them as my grandad doesn't want to unsettle them. I'm grateful for their help but I miss the dogs 😢

There's another marac meeting tomorrow so hopefully an update on housing fingers crossed.

@Queenie6655 I'm so sorry you went through the same thing. It is genuinely a living nightmare.

I keep thinking about that day and I just feel in absolute shock, how could he do that to me, and to his own children 😔

Interesting that you’re coming round to feeling a bit angry. Angry is good.

Fuck him.

Slow morning sounds nice.

You must miss the dogs very much. That’s hard. I didn’t realise they weren’t with you (sorry)

It’s still grey grey grey all day here. Yuk.

Ah I see ok
Well glad they are safe

Poor you

I remember the flashbacks and the days after the attack

Felt like I had whiplash from when he strangled me

Utter pieces of shit

Justice will be done
It has to be xxxxxxxx

@WeyAyeMan good to know. If you have the Social worker's email address, then it would be best to put your feelings (that he shouldn't have any contact in order to safeguard your children against the risk of physical abuse) in writing. Once you put it in writing, it becomes something that they have to address, and will likely feature in the social services report that they write if/when they close your case.

This is important as, should your ex try to take you to court for access, it would be social services assessing if that was appropriate, and if they've previously put in writing that he isn't to have contact, then they are less likely to give him contact against your wishes.

Not all non-molestation orders extend to protect the children as well, so it may be worth checking and making sure that it will in your case.

I send hugs, you're doing so well. I hope you have an awesome idva and lots of support. If you want company and a listening ear irl then you could get a homestart volunteer: www.home-start.org.uk/ to support you. Survivors of domestic abuse should stick together x

Also, it may be worth talking to your health visitor and/or GP (or any other professionals involved with you and your child) about the situation, asking what support is available and explaining what you are doing to safeguard your babies and help them to thrive. This is important as they will likely attend any multidisciplinary meetings that social services have about the situation with your ex, so it's good to have them on side so that they can advocate in the best interests of you and your babies

Thank you @Laurelon appreciate the advice. My idva is brilliant. She's been through similar herself and really seems to know how to bring me back down to earth when I'm struggling.

Meeting with her on Thursday and hopefully will know more.

It sounds as if you are completely depleted and running on fumes. The adrenaline has gone and you are now able to let your brain assess what he did.

I think your little one has sensed that something big and deeply dangerous happened.

The tension and the wondering what next make the days longer.

Are you able to get out to see your dogs at all? Sometimes it's nice to connect with a beloved pet in times of distress. It might be nice to have the dogs back with you. Dogs have a lot of love to give.

Going to visit the dogs at the weekend @mathanxiety I can't handle having them at home at the moment, the cleaning with them is relentless, I just haven't got the energy yet.
I feel like I'm counting down the hours until court, just want it to stop hanging over me like a dark cloud.

@dane8 I'm not proud of it but I did manage to punch him and kick him a couple of times, in self defence. It didn't stop it, but I did try and fight back. I don't feel particularly angry at the moment, just disappointed in him I suppose.

I've got an awful headache I just can't shift today 😴

Have you drank lots of water? Sometimes that helps with a bad head.

Seeing the dogs will give you a boost I am sure, and you’re so right it’s too much to have them now. That’s a good decision.

Good on you for fighting back. Good on you.

Things will get better.

Actually not today I'll go Get a glass now @Bunce1
It's funny how you forget the little things to look after yourself whilst your trying to pull yourself together

Thank you 😊

You have done amazing

Congratulate yourself each day !!!!!!

How you are feeling now is totally understandable

You must be utterly exhausted

Day by day things will improve
One day you wake up and he's not on your mind - it is just the best feeling ever

Ah thank you both, @Queenie6655 hope your little baby is feeling better xx (saw on another thread)

@dane8 American Akita and a chocolate lab. Both the same age they adore eachother, they're beautiful but hard to clean after, they drag mud into the house which is a nightmare with the baby crawling, she's just decided to start licking the floor for some random reason haha!!!

I'm thinking about my friend, it's her birthday coming up and I want to get her something really special, something she can keep but stuck on ideas what to get. She won't be expecting nothing but she has literally been my rock

You sound so lovely and kind op

Funny one of my dogs always hated my ex
Spotted the red flags miles away

My dogs helped me to recover so much
They knew how hurt I was and how much I needed support

Hope you get reunited soon

My lil one doing well thanks for asking
Although I must say the mucky paws jn the house are driving me mad today 😲😲🤦🏼‍♀️

@WeyAyeMan

Ah thank you both, *@Queenie6655* hope your little baby is feeling better xx (saw on another thread)

@dane8 American Akita and a chocolate lab. Both the same age they adore eachother, they're beautiful but hard to clean after, they drag mud into the house which is a nightmare with the baby crawling, she's just decided to start licking the floor for some random reason haha!!!

I'm thinking about my friend, it's her birthday coming up and I want to get her something really special, something she can keep but stuck on ideas what to get. She won't be expecting nothing but she has literally been my rock

I've been following quietly from the start. OP, you sound like such a kind, good person. Well done for hanging on in there. You are much stronger than you realise, I've been reading your updates with awe. What's your budget for your friends present? It might help PP make suggestions.

@loopycurtains aw thank you so much 😊 sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed and can't sleep I just read back over the thread and all of the amazing people on here who have pulled me up. Appreciate every single reply.

I just want to show her how much we love her.

I'm thinking £100 but I'd like to get a couple of things maybe, some nice chocolate too or something like that as she loves her food. She's always got snacks in her bag 😂

[quote WeyAyeMan]@loopycurtains aw thank you so much 😊 sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed and can't sleep I just read back over the thread and all of the amazing people on here who have pulled me up. Appreciate every single reply.

I just want to show her how much we love her.

I'm thinking £100 but I'd like to get a couple of things maybe, some nice chocolate too or something like that as she loves her food. She's always got snacks in her bag 😂 [/quote]
Sorry I keep replying by quoting last messages. It's the only way I can do it on my phone with the app.

That you are considering your friend in the midst of your own horrific situation speaks volumes about your character.

Spa voucher? Speciality cheese board? If she loves chocolate, are there any chocolate cafes/experiences where you live? Hopefully someone better at gifting than me will be along to make better suggestions.

In the meantime, I'm still reading, you keep posting if it helps you to get through and make sure you start a new thread when this fills up. Sending strength and unmumsnetty hugs.