DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

@Bunce1 glad you are doing well. I feel tired 24-7 but I agree I think with this weather and it getting dark so early it doesn't help.

Yes I haven't even managed to have a lovely hot chocolate yet, I will get round to it just haven't felt up to it. When I'm all moved and in a new home I'm going to buy a velvetiser from hotel chocolat that will be my gift to myself.

On a side note I've just actually looked into the uncanny podcast, listened to the intro and unfortunately there's no way I have the balls to listen to that these days! Usually would be my cup of tea @youvegottenminuteslynn hope you enjoy it, you're braver than me!

Oh don't you worry, Uncanny will definitely be one for the daytime tomorrow, not before sleep!

The St Elwicks Neighbourhood Association Podcast is my fave bedtime one, it's so brilliantly silly and gentle.

I hope you manage to get a good sleep tonight. And you too @Bunce1

Just checking in WeyAye . How exciting that your dd has said mammy!! That must have been a great moment.

I love true crime also, and have been watching the 'Forensics - The Real CSI' series on bbc iplayer. Fascinating. How crimes were ever solved before DNA profiling was invented baffles me.

As for poor sleeping...I asked my GP for a sleeping tablet called phenergen. You can nibble half of one and they just give you the confidence to drift off.

Is dd a good sleeper?

Hang on in there. The pain and anxiety comes in waves - some days are much worse than others, some days you think you're ok then the hurt and worry engulfs you again.

It's a testament to you as a good person that you have such a loyal long-standing friend. She sounds lovely.

Eat, stay hydrated, keep fighting for the protection you need and keep looking at your baby girl and know that you are feathering a warm, safe nest for her to grow up in and eventually fly.

"It upset me because I was thinking to myself god, everything he said about my family he was right... "

Remember what they say - even a stopped clock is right twice a day!

I'm sorry your family is being so shit but so pleased you have a lovely friend who can support you

Remember, take each day at a time, one foot in front of the other and breathe

Thanks @ThumbWitchesAbroad that really made me smile.

@13yearslater she's never really been a good sleeper, she's such a light sleeper if she hears me move it disturbs her. I couldn't risk a sleeping tablet and don't think I'd be able to being pregnant. I actually slept a bit better last night I woke up thinking it must be 3am and it was 6:30 so it's slowly improving. I have a feeling I'm going to feel a bit better today.

It's so lovely to hear you sounding a bit brighter today OP.

Isn't it amazing what difference even a slight improvement in sleep can make?

Try to have something nice to eat today and plenty of water to drink

I agree WeyAye that a sleeping tab may feel like a last resort but bear it in mind. It might be a good crutch on the odd occasion. There's no evidence it's harmful to your baby and it is important that you get a reasonable amount of sleep.

I love thumbwitch's post about a stopped clock

My family were shite too. I remember my father saying to me "No wonder your husband left you." I think I'd shouted at them for doing absolutely zero to help me. But they are from a different generation and were embarrassed that I was suddenly a lone parent (shock horror.)

Keep posting for support...there are many wise people on here. This may be a lull while your ex is dealt with but use it as a time to re-group, love yourself, enjoy your prgenancy, your baby and your freedom. The lioness inside you is there and ready.

How is your day going? How did you sleep last night?

I wondered if you had anymore information on moving and the non molestation order?

Hope you’re ok.

Thank you for checking in

Spoke to housing today who are fast tracking the application, I asked the police about non mol and their response was to chase it up after court as they don't yet know what the outcome will be and said to me 'the wheels of justice turn slowly'

I'm absolutely fucking sick of this now, we slept well last night and still can't drag myself out of bed. This pain is unbearable I'm crying every day and keep thinking this is worse pain than when I was with him. I'm waiting on the mental health team calling me back.

I need this to be over with, I need to know what's happening when he appears in court at rye end of the month. I can't cope with this at all @Bunce1 I'm drowning 😢

Some of it is probably hormonal, those in early pregnancy can really wipe us out.
Tired all the time.

This too shall pass.

The pain may well feel worse than the memory of previous pain.
Remind yourself this is the good healing pain. Rather than the never ending increasing pain of abuse.

You have to model something different for DD or she will get into the same controlling and abusive relationships, and that is a minimum.

There would certainly be more to come from him. And not in the way you might think.

Even if you tolerate the physical abuse and live, how do you feel about him having other children on the side?
You being on the side?
Poisoning the children's minds against you.
The children colluding with him.
The children joining in the abuse.

These DV situations are progressive.
They don't go on being bad, or improve.

Start reading Lundy Bancroft so you can understand what you are dealing with.

Wishing you strength and peace for the day OP.
You can do this.

Thank you @Moretodo I'm just looking at the books on Amazon now

Is the next date on 31 Jan a plea and trial preparation hearing? If he's entered a not guilty plea and gone up to the Crown Court then the next hearing will be for him to enter a plea there and (if he repeats his not guilty plea) to get the case ready for a trial. If he pleads guilty then he can be sentenced there and then.

@BluebellTimeInKent Yes i think it is that. When he was remanded in custody he either said not guilty or entered no plea, I wish I could just fast forward the time so I know what's going to happen

Alright-

Practical steps-
floradix or pregnancy supplements are you taking them?
Fresh air- a little everyday. It will help. Even if you’re just dragging yourself round then block
Human contact- phone a mate, make chit chat with your neighbour? Baby group? Call Samaritans if you’d like to speak to someone right now. They will listen without judgement.

Take comfort that things ARE in hand, slowly but they are in hand and also making those calls, chasing people. It’s exhausting and traumatic.

It’s very easy for me to sit here and say all that, but I want you to know that I am in awe of you. This is FUCKING HARD. We really want better days for you, they will come.

Emotions-
I’ve not stood in your shoes. I can only imagine. But it sounds like grief and of course why wouldn’t you feel completely devoid? And pregnancy hormones on top? You feel how you feel.

Do you have a half decent health visitor? I can’t remember your location but have you been to your family centre?

www.durham.gov.uk/familycentres

Thank you I have supplements although haven't taken todays yet as I haven't eaten yet. Need to get up get a drink take them and some paracetamol.

My friend was texting me earlier she's at work. My other friend will probably call but she will just talk badly about him which I don't want to hear at the moment.

Health visitor is shocking I've only ever seen her once and any time I had a query she never got back to me.

I need to sort myself out the social worker is coming tomorrow morning I'm just absolutely rock bottom

Perinatal mental health can't give me a phone triage until 1st feb. I know waiting lists every where are high I just don't know how I'm going to cope until then. I can't continue like this 😢

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

Hopefully I've linked to the free PDF.
Hard copy better, but you can get reading now.

It is an eye opener.

And ask your other friend (who talks badly about him) to not speak about him at all, tell her you find it painful.
Ask for her support and friendship.

She is angry with him for hurting you. I'm sure she wants to help you.
Tell her how, and ask for what you need.

Thinking of you.

You're doing amazing! Sending you

You are doing amazingly. Really cheering you on from the sidelines.
Could you look at mutual exchanges in order to speed up the moving home or at least feel that you are doing something?
You can do this and he's the one that's done this to you. Try snd get angry rather than sad. Sending hugs.

It's really hard to get through the days not knowing what's going to happen next. At least you could sort of tell before he was arrested how the cycle of abuse and quiet would proceed. You could also kid yourself (all abused women do this) that you had some element of control over how things would go, that you could manage his behaviour.

This time it is all completely out of your hands and there is no way to tell yourself that you can control what happens. It is very unfamiliar territory. You are also facing the lack of support full on, and that is adding to the feeling of whirling through space with no fixed star to track.

When the SW comes, make sure she leaves with no doubt about how dangerous your H is and that you never want to see him face to face again. Don't hold back.

If you are able to take the time to read the Lundy Bancroft pdf, please do. You will see exactly what you are dealing with.

Please speak to national domestic violence helpline they are the experts on non-mol orders and walk you through how to apply for one step by step.

Morning. Just checking in x