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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 13/01/2022 21:01

Thats great news that his bail was denied. Can I just say that if he tries to contact you from prison, you can absolutely contact the prison and request that he is blocked from contacting you ? We deal with non-contact requests all the time, and we can ensure that Probation know as well.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 13/01/2022 21:04

Would he even be able to attempt it @PonyPatter44 the prison have his phone and he doesn't know my number off by heart, so he's have to ask for it I think?
So far there's been no attempt to contact me

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 13/01/2022 21:16

If his phone is in his property, he can ask to be allowed to go to Reception and get numbers off it. Its a fairly common request because obviously people don't always remember their mums or partners mobile numbers, etc.

I'm glad he hasn't tried to contact you and hopefully he won't even try. If he is stupid enough to try, though, the prison can stop him contacting you.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 13/01/2022 21:23

Oh right thanks for that info @PonyPatter44 I have no idea how it all works.

Do they have access to email? His sister messaged me to say yes she's heard from him via email but I ignored her and blocked her, I previously only blocked his mother and forgot about the duster

OP posts:
Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 13/01/2022 21:24

Sister *

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 13/01/2022 21:45

There is a set up called Email A Prisoner where you can send an email to a central point addressed to the individual prisoner, and it gets printed off and put under their door. The sender can pay a bit extra for a reply, which the prisoner hand-writes,and is then scanned in and sent back.

Of course, he might just be emailing his sister from an illicit mobile phone...

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 13/01/2022 22:16

Oh god thank god I blocked that then @PonyPatter44

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 13/01/2022 22:26

Very glad they've denied him bail. Don't count on a long sentence all the same.

Take a little time to try to recover form your illness, and then I am afraid you are going to have to chase support and help again.

(((hugs)))

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 13/01/2022 22:41

Thank you @mathanxiety my family were hopeful the bail refusal was indicative of a lengthy sentence but obviously that's wishful thinking and they have no experience of the system either. I just keep telling myself what will be will be.

Hoping to be better by Monday and ready to fight my corner to protect my children, now we have the breathing space to get things done I want to actually get things done!

OP posts:
ChristmasPlanning · 13/01/2022 22:44

So relieved he was refused bail

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2022 01:42

Ah phew, that's a welcome update that he was refused bail!
Gives you that bit of breathing space to sort things out better.

So I assume he'll be held until his trial now - so you need to get some idea of when that will be, whenever you get a chance to speak to someone relevant about it.

At least you can breathe freely for now! Thanks

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 14/01/2022 09:14

Thank you, next hearing us end of Jan but I'm not sure what to expect from that

OP posts:
Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 14/01/2022 09:47

I've been having nightmares and today feel the overwhelming need to speak to him. Why do I feel like this? It physically hurts

Pcr came back negative but I feel horrendous

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2022 11:19

When you get like this, get a large pad of paper and a pen/pencil and write to him. Write out everything you want to say, as "stream of consciousness" thoughts, so they don't have to be cohereht, in full sentences, grammatically correct or anything.
Just "brain dump" your thoughts onto the paper.

Then set fire to it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2022 11:20

Oops, pressed post too soon.

This should help to clear out the raging thoughts in your head, that are suggesting you need to talk to the violent prick who tried to kill you [reminder!].
Burning the paper is symbolic, to help you release those thoughts AND that "need" to speak to him.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 14/01/2022 15:19

I'm struggling so much today. I just keep crying on and off.

My doctors appointment was an absolute joke and they just fobbed me off and said to chase up counselling with wwin because there's too much of a waiting list with the nhs. She asked me if I have a new partner yet. Wtf.

I'm struggling with the fact I want to talk to him and I can't, ffs I wish I could just get closure on this

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 14/01/2022 15:40

Oh god that’s just so rubbish. I’m sorry you’re not getting the right support. You’re in trauma, you’re unwell and the stress you feel is huge.

It’s not your job to forcefully advocate for yourself, but I think you have too.

For now-

Take a shower. Wash your hair

Take 2 paracetamol

Have a drink of something you like and put on clothes that make you feel good

Make something to eat. Big bowl of pasta

Put on a Harry Potter film. Get a blanket and a drink of water. Settle in.

Rest now. You have the weekend to not think about making calls.

dane8 · 14/01/2022 18:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 14/01/2022 19:48

Managed to have some food, had a bath and washed my hair. Clean pjs are dirty already but always the same with the baby I never have clean clothes for long.

Yea it's the familiarity, having that other adult to talk to, and when it was good the affection, cuddles.

That night he was cuddling me, kissing me. Trying to be normal which is how he continued right up until the moment he was arrested.

I just feel like nobody understands this overwhelming pain and I know I do, but it's just, get on with it. My family haven't been bothering with me, luckily my friends have

OP posts:
dane8 · 14/01/2022 20:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bunce1 · 14/01/2022 21:59

I cannot fathom being without partner almost overnight. I think I would think the violent episode of battery was a one off, a big mistake. It wasn’t right. I was wrong.

I think I know that’s how I would feel. Because I would be lonely and scared and sad.

And that’s why women die at the hands of men every week.

It’s not a weakness. It’s a complicated dynamic where you were once in love and things were good and then they were not.

So please don’t feel alone or that no one understands. It’s a mountain. But mountains get scaled one step at a time. Slowly, surely sometimes with great difficulty. But you’ll climb it. And we are there pushing you up.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 14/01/2022 22:19

Thank you @Bunce1 @dane8

And to the other Amazing women supporting me on here. Todays been a bad day but, the days almost over.

I really feel that you are all at the top of the mountain, pulling me up bit by bit and cheering me on with every painful step

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2022 22:23

Another day nearly done! Thanks

Moretodo · 14/01/2022 23:15

This bit of time you have had away, this pain you have already gone through, you can never recover. Keep building.

If you reunite, sooner or later you will have to go through a day 1 experience again.
Day 2.
Etc etc. With further losses each time, mental, emotional, physical and unimaginable.

You can find your way, the way out is through the pain.
It won't last.
This is the good pain, that leads to healing.

Thinking of you.

Queenie6655 · 14/01/2022 23:19

@WeyAyeMan

Managed to have some food, had a bath and washed my hair. Clean pjs are dirty already but always the same with the baby I never have clean clothes for long.

Yea it's the familiarity, having that other adult to talk to, and when it was good the affection, cuddles.

That night he was cuddling me, kissing me. Trying to be normal which is how he continued right up until the moment he was arrested.

I just feel like nobody understands this overwhelming pain and I know I do, but it's just, get on with it. My family haven't been bothering with me, luckily my friends have

No I absolutely do

Poor you

It's the worse

But you have done so so very well

A man like this will sadly go on to kill I'm afraid to say

You and your little ones are too precious to allow an evil force like this into your life xxxxxxxxxxx