DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

They won't fit a panic alarm as I'm looking to move from this property

This is absolutely disgusting from them. How dare they value the cost of installation / removal of a panic alarm over the safety of a woman and her children, when that woman has already been brutally, brutally attacked and strangled. I could scream for you OP I really could

@youvegottenminuteslynn oh I would but she lives with her mam who is sick and with me and the baby being unwell I couldn't put on to her like that.

I've got plenty money still considering January is the longest month ever, I could look for a little holiday rental for a week maybe. It will have to depend on the pcr results though

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you I thought it was just me but with everything today I've literally just looked at my phone thinking what the actual fuck

You poor thing. Have you managed to get through to women's aid at all? Also contact your local MP and note that the police have refused your requests despite the seriousness of the attack (and outline the details of the attack in full brutal detail) as it's outrageous they're saying they won't safeguard you adequately.

If money is ok then I would be tempted to book somewhere for tomorrow night so that if he is granted bail, you aren't at home so he won't have any idea where you are (as you now quite fairly can't trust the particular police you're dealing with to tell you what's happened re bail immediately) then you can either extend your stay if he's granted bail, while you work out a longer term solution, or you can go home if he is refused bail and has to stay in custody.

You shouldn't have to and it's unfair but your safety is paramount and I wouldn't be able to hear the thought of going to bed tomorrow night not knowing if he is out or not. It you can spare the cost of booking one night and staying there until you find out the bail results, I would 100% do that.

Bloody hell, someone going through this without kids would be wonder woman let alone doing it with a baby and while pregnant too.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I agree I think I'm feeling unwell, in shock and just let down. I'll find out who my mp is and contact them, the problem I'm having is one service says the other is responsible for one thing and that service says no it's them and vice versa, very frustrating.

I'm having a look on booking.com sometimes you can get free cancellation etc so maybe I might not lose money if it turns out I don't need to go.

Thank you for your advice and support.

I'm starting to feel a bit let down by my family too, I could just bring pregnant hormonal and emotional but I just feel like they're all taking the piss

*I'm starting to feel a bit let down by my family too, I could just bring pregnant hormonal and emotional but I just feel like they're all taking the piss

Sorry posted too soon

I'm starting to feel a bit let down by my family too, I could just bring pregnant hormonal and emotional but I just feel like they're all taking the piss

If they're doing anything other than scooping you up / staying there to help you and make sure you're safe / trying to find resources and helplines to advise you etc then they are letting you down lovely. It's ok to feel let down. It's ok to expect more.

Imagine if this was your child in future - you'd do anything to help, right? If things were this serious you'd drop everything. That is what makes you a brilliant mum and a brilliant advocate for your children. I'm just so sorry that you don't have someone in that role for you right now.

But we can collectively try to be your MN family and support you as best we can on here

Ah thank you so much honestly I know I've said it a lot but this thread, the amazing people I've met through this have been my lifeline and it's something I'll never ever forget ❤️

I haven't seen any family, they know me and the baby are poorly. My friends are checking in multiple times a day. But family - one was willing to come down if I get a positive pcr to infect themselves for time off work, the other is repeatedly after my exes possessions. You can't make it up!

@WeyAyeMan

Ah thank you so much honestly I know I've said it a lot but this thread, the amazing people I've met through this have been my lifeline and it's something I'll never ever forget ❤️

I haven't seen any family, they know me and the baby are poorly. My friends are checking in multiple times a day. But family - one was willing to come down if I get a positive pcr to infect themselves for time off work, the other is repeatedly after my exes possessions. You can't make it up!

Are your family usually like this?

If so focus on your kids and your friends

Re your family OP I'm just going to paste something I posted on this thread previously to try to alleviate you of the guilt you've experienced about cutting people off or feeling you're expecting too much when you absolutely aren't. I really think you should lean on those lovely friends of yours and temporarily expect nothing from your family so they can't keep letting you down.

Can I be bold and suggest something I've noticed that you may not be aware of? It sounds like you're such a lovely mum that you really want your little one to have relationships uou view as positive in principle e.g. feeling bad about your ex leaving, giving your dad another chance so he could get to know your little one as a grandad and she could have a grandad. But reigniting / maintaining connections with people who should make your child's life better (e.g. a dad, a grandad) is only ever in the child's best interest if that person is a positive representation of that role.

No dad on the scene is so much better than a shit one, for example.

Please do be mindful of that when you're considering who to bring into, or back into, your child's orbit. You're like a bouncer for entry to their world. And you need to take the stance that if someone is even a bit of a cunt, they ain't getting in!

I hope that wasn't overstepping, just something to consider

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes you are so correct, it's a shame but it's not my doing.

Thank god I have the friends I do

@ChristmasPlanning unfortunately yes but one in particular has surprised me after helping me the most at the start of this nightmare

"She said if and when he does get out she would visit him, and could potentially supervise contact, stating that things could be worked upon to improve our relationship."

This sentence really bothered me. Does the SW really think that you can "improve your relationship" with a man who nearly killed you? She's insane if she thinks that's any kind of appropriate. She's just as bad if she thinks that "mediation" is going to be any use - it's an absolute no-no to go to mediation with an abuser, as they just use it to further the abuse.

I'm sorry that the system is STILL so shit. You'd think, with the ever rising level of DV against women that they'd have picked their game up a little by now, but no, obviously not.

Do you have a direct contact within the police? One who will let you know the outcome of the bail hearing? I think you need to be informed immediately if he's let out, so that you can NOT be home. Have you got emergency bags packed, so that you can leave at a moment's notice if need be? If not, do this. Move stuff that's important to you out to a friend's house. I know that it's your home and you don't want him back in it, but that doesn't mean he won't come round, even if his bail conditions say he must not - so it's best to cover all bases.

Hope your illness is nearly gone now - that's the last thing you need on top of the stresses.

I second the advice to take half the money out of any joint account there is. You can open a personal account just for yourself and put it there.

Also, do you own or rent the home you live in?

We didn't have a joint account and our finances were relatively separate. He had his own account for his wages and I've got my own for my wages, although I'm slightly panicking now as I've just dropped to zero maternity pay- but that's something to think about another day. All bills in my name then he would just transfer me a set amount every month for his contribution towards this.

I rent from housing association.

Been wide awake since 3:45 😴 my head is spinning

He did have keys but never got the chance to take them i checked and they're still in the drawer.

I don't have a direct contact now the officer in charge is on leave for a month, however the social worker said she would call me and let me know as soon as they make their decision

I would really think about maybe getting a cheap hotel room just for tonight, checking in ASAP today and staying until checkout tomorrow - as hopefully during that window of time you'll hear what's happening re him being bailed or not.

If he's not then you can go home but if he is (I don't mean to scare you) then even if he's banned from going anywhere near your house, it's likely the first place he will go surely?

I really think that even if money is tight, it's worth getting a hotel (or staying with a mate) until you hear if he's bailed or not. It could save your life or prevent you and your child being in physical danger today

@WeyAyeMan

All bills in my name then he would just transfer me a set amount every month for his contribution towards this.

I rent from housing association.

Sorry if you've mentioned this already, OP, but is he a named tenant with you on the house rental?

When you next speak to the police dealing with your case (or dial the non-emergency number, 101) and ask to have a marker placed on your home so that if he did come to your home you could call them and they'd be able to respond in person quickly as a priority). 🌹

I've contacted the police safety planning officer asking if the bail hearing went ahead this morning. This is the reply I received 'Hi, I was made aware of this yesterday by SW I need to keep an eye on it but hopefully the marker I put on will kick in with a message to our mailbox if granted'

What the hell is going on ?!

@Newestname002 there's a marker on my name address and phone number

You can call local police anyway and update them. I wonder if they are not flapping because he won't get bail? ((clutches at straws))

You can do a non molestation through this page.
I'm astonished that you are not being properly supported.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

Thank you @Moretodo

It just looks like they absolutely don't give a shit. Unless the hearing is still on going but I doubt it takes an hour? No idea. I hate being left in the dark.

Thank you for the link looking into it now

It's a lengthy thing the non molestation, you will be offered some solicitors numbers at the end and should qualify for legal aid in your circumstances.

Good to have a solicitor anyway as it might not be the end of it...

Yes definitely @Moretodo thanks again

I'm getting more and more frustrated, I just want to know if the bail hearing went ahead or not

Keep pestering them. They need to help you. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be safe.

@WeyAyeMan

I've contacted the police safety planning officer asking if the bail hearing went ahead this morning. This is the reply I received 'Hi, I was made aware of this yesterday by SW I need to keep an eye on it but hopefully the marker I put on will kick in with a message to our mailbox if granted'

What the hell is going on ?!

@Newestname002 there's a marker on my name address and phone number

WTF OP this is the most intelligible non-plan English attempt at comms from a professional I've ever seen. Far from helpful. What does all that biz spk codify as for you, a vulnerable person in crisis right now. You are a person with a small baby who is in a very tricky predicament right now relying on those who deal with such matters day in and out to inform you of what is happening and what usually happens and what could/should happen.

I feel your frustration. It's appalling.

Keep going though. Keep fighting for what you need out of The System. I'd call them out. They're probably junior ill-trained, under paid, overworked staff trying to do their best and not aware that their gobbledegook is causing further stress to an already stressful situation!