DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

No no no OP. You need to ask to speak to someone in a more senior role as a matter of urgency AND speak to women's aid as soon as humanly possible to get their advice on this.

Her comments are at best dangerous and at worst life threatening.

I am absolutely astounded at her lack of knowledge of some things and her genuinely dangerous suggestions.

Please please ask for another social worker - beg for one, make a complaint saying you don't feel you and your children's' safety is being taken seriously enough and reference recent cases of murdered ex partners, beg womens aid for help and guidance.

How dare she suggest you can 'work on' anything with someone who quite literally could have killed you, on purpose, with their own hands. How dare she.

Yes basically @bootdilemma21, she was saying things that would have to happen in the first instance of him coming out, such as can't come to this house, but then said she could supervise the contact between my daughter and him at first before something more formal was agreed, and then things could be improved over time. She was basically saying any measures put in place could be temporary and things could improve. I was a bit shocked as it was more me who was like, no, no contact etc.

@youvegottenminuteslynn could it be because it's just an 'assessment' it's basically a 45 day assessment, then they'd take it from there after the 45 days. I don't know if I can request someone else since she is assessing the needs, but she has mentioned a few times running things by her manager. For example this information the probation have requested for his bail application, she has completed it then sent it to her manager to check and then will give me more information tomorrow. It's just really strange.

I'm due a phone call from WWIN tomorrow after the marac meeting so I'll query all of this with them.

@dane8 hahah yes broad geordie accent I have 😂 20 miles away would be a different housing association unfortunately

@dane8 yea police took pics of my injuries, the bruises to my arms have healed now but right eye is still black, not as big but still black 18 days later

@WeyAyeMan

Yes basically *@bootdilemma21*, she was saying things that would have to happen in the first instance of him coming out, such as can't come to this house, but then said she could supervise the contact between my daughter and him at first before something more formal was agreed, and then things could be improved over time. She was basically saying any measures put in place could be temporary and things could improve. I was a bit shocked as it was more me who was like, no, no contact etc.

@youvegottenminuteslynn could it be because it's just an 'assessment' it's basically a 45 day assessment, then they'd take it from there after the 45 days. I don't know if I can request someone else since she is assessing the needs, but she has mentioned a few times running things by her manager. For example this information the probation have requested for his bail application, she has completed it then sent it to her manager to check and then will give me more information tomorrow. It's just really strange.

I'm due a phone call from WWIN tomorrow after the marac meeting so I'll query all of this with them.

@dane8 hahah yes broad geordie accent I have 😂 20 miles away would be a different housing association unfortunately

You may not be able to request someone else but you can and should discuss your concerns with her manager in quite strong terms. Just because she says she is showing things to a senior colleague doesn't mean anything. They will only be seeing what she has written down and if she has failed to capture the severity of the risk then that will reflect in her reports and your case could potentially sound fairly mild to them.

You may not be able to request someone else but you can and should discuss your concerns with her manager in quite strong terms. Just because she says she is showing things to a senior colleague doesn't mean anything. They will only be seeing what she has written down and if she has failed to capture the severity of the risk then that will reflect in her reports and your case could potentially sound fairly mild to them.

Absolutely all this OP. Please do report that you're not confident this is being taken seriously enough and keep on and on until you can speak to someone higher up the chain there.

Womens aid will hopefully be a huge help too. You're being let down by the system and it's a early on so with us encouraging you with moral support and Women's Aid / other services too supporting you with professional guidance, let's try to get you better support and get you safe

Yes I'll speak to wwin after the marac and then call social services. Honestly you just trust that they know exactly what to do in these situations.
Thank god for the support and advice on here

@WeyAyeMan

Yes I'll speak to wwin after the marac and then call social services. Honestly you just trust that they know exactly what to do in these situations. Thank god for the support and advice on here

I've worked with social services professionally over many years and, sadly, you really cannot trust that they know what they are doing. There are some wonderful social workers out there but plenty who are over-worked or under-skilled or misogynistic or or or... the list goes on. Keep fighting your fight. Your babies need you to do that and you deserve to live a fear-free, violence-free life.

The sw sounds wierd. I was always led to believe they do not get involved in arranging contact, that would be for the courts to decide. You could move he won’t know where u are , he then applies himself for contact (if he decides to)I it gets referred to caffcass they put a report in for judge to make decision. Perhaps she is new to the job? Perhaps she has never dealt with anything like what has happened to you.

As soon as possible, write down everything you remember about what the sw said to you so that you have contemporaneous notes. Note the SW name, date and time of visit and any other details - did she have a file, whast information did she have about your case, was she well-informed, did she see the baby, what questions did she ask, what next steps did she say would happen.

Did you fill out any forms?

This sounds all wrong.

Given the severity of your abuse as you have described it - punched black and blue, strangulation, ex arrested etc, I am horrified. if this is ss take on your situation.

Were you questioned closely about you hopes/intentions/fears?

I told my SW that I was terrrified ex H would get back in the house (I had no idea where he was) and they arranged for all my locks to be changed and window locks to be fitted.

She didn't know what an occupation order was, and asked me to contact women in need about a non mol. She said if and when he does get out she would visit him, and could potentially supervise contact, stating that things could be worked upon to improve our relationship.

I replied that I don't want him to know where I live and would only consider official contact further down the line when I was comfortable my children would be safeguarded.

Is this normal? It just seems too laid back

Holy shit!

Don't accept this utterly crap level of support.

YY to taking immediate notes, everything you can remember.

Take it all to her manager yourself. You are going to have to turn into Mama Bear and fight tooth and nail for protection for you and your babies.

Don't make 'polite' queries. They all have to understand what this man did to you and how determined you are that he will never, ever see you face to face again.

she was saying things that would have to happen in the first instance of him coming out, such as can't come to this house, but then said she could supervise the contact between my daughter and him at first before something more formal was agreed, and then things could be improved over time. She was basically saying any measures put in place could be temporary and things could improve. I was a bit shocked as it was more me who was like, no, no contact etc.

Nothing can stop him coming to the house unless you have a non-molestation order prohibiting him from coming near you.

Nothing can stop him moving back in unless you have an occupation order.

Your SW is talking nonsense.

It must feel really overwhelming to have to think you’re going to have to get very assertive very fast.

I know you can do this. Start making a huge great big fuss. Be calm but be assertive and something of a broken record. Push for you’re safety and your needs.

We are all standing behind you. Make that SW work hard for you.

Thank you all I am just waiting for my women in need worker to call me after marac she said around 1.30, before I call social services.

Baby barely slept and I'm a nervous wreck today

Keep going OP. You're doing so well. Drink hot sweet tea and eat something - banana on toast or peanut butter sarnie.

You just have to push yourself through this. You can do it. Remember that you never want hands around your throat again. Your children need you to be a warrior for them.

Have had indirect experience of SS/SW's, there are some good ones but there are some shit ones. This is a shit one.

And they wonder why women and children end up dead. Lessons learned. Serious case reviews.
Don't be that OP.

The SW is talking as if you had some kind of mutual agreement to end the relationship.
I can hardly believe what I am reading.

@Bunce1

It must feel really overwhelming to have to think you’re going to have to get very assertive very fast.

I know you can do this. Start making a huge great big fuss. Be calm but be assertive and something of a broken record. Push for you’re safety and your needs.

We are all standing behind you. Make that SW work hard for you.

This x a million

We are all behind you

Don't listen to some incompetent fool

You got this
It will be rough but you can do it

Just checking in to see how you're doing - still lots of us willing you on

Thank you all. I've had to do. Pcr test for me and my daughter were both just feeling so ill at the moment. I haven't got the energy for this.

I spoke to social services manager and she said it's laid back until they know what is happening at that point they'd do a risk assessment. Didn't hear from women in need

Thank you amazing people for checking on me ❤️

Keep on plugging away at WIN.

Call Rights of Women too.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Hope this eve you get some rest and tomorrow brings more strength and a little bit of peace.

Starting to feel a bit let down by the system. He has a bail hearing tomorrow. I wasn't updated about this because the police systems aren't working properly.
They won't fit a panic alarm as I'm looking to move from this property, they aren't rushing with a non mol as he will have bail conditions if granted.

I'm going to try win again tomorrow hopefully they can help a bit 😔

Feeling so ill I just want to disappear somewhere else with my baby

I agree you've been let down.

I can't offer any advice but it's good you are starting to expect to be treated well and good you recognise how dangerous he is.

Feeling so ill I just want to disappear somewhere else with my baby

Oh my love the system is letting you down, it really is.

If there is anyone at all you can stay with temporarily or if you can borrow some money to stay somewhere until you know the outcome of the bail hearing, that's what I would do. You won't feel safe in that home until you know exactly what's happening and until you can apply for the orders.

Your lovely friend who sent you the goodies - could you stay with her for a few nights? You would want her to ask you if she was in your situation, right? Remember that before you say something like 'I don't want to bother her' or 'Shes got enough on her plate' etc.