DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

You are a queen.

Have you any idea how many women reading this you are helping to think...I can do this?

Do you know the statistics for what your children are likely to achieve now the abuser has gone?

You have no idea how amazing you are xxx

Dropping in to say I'm thinking of you, hope you had a day of well deserved fun, enjoyment and of freedom.

Hope you had a lovely time with your friend today, she sounds ever so thoughtful and kind - just what's needed

Monday morning- how you doing op I imagine you’ll have a day making calls and speaking to various agents. Good luck with it. Remember to tell yourself how ducking amazing you are. You saved your life.

Have you eaten breakfast? I’ve had a green smoothie a boiled egg and a latte. I’m trying to be very good with my dry January and mindful eating.
Make sure you eat today. Overnight oats are a great easy filling healthy breakfast.
Before bed, he a cereal bowl and throw in a handful of Porridge oats, cover with milk
Top with a tablespoon of Greek yogurt and some frozen berries or nuts or both. Cover. Put in fridge, go to bed. Wake up, stir and eat.

Appreciate everyone checking in, thank you. I've been unwell with a stomach bug so my friend didn't end up coming but now my daughters totally full of cold, so it's been a pretty exhausting weekend 🤧 two hours sleep she managed last night...

My phones been quiet so it looks like I'm going to have to chase them up.

@Bunce1 that's such a good idea, I used to love overnight oats and have the things in. I haven't managed to eat yet

Oh no OP how horrendous. That's so tough to be ill in sole charge of a little one who is also ill.
I hope you are both on the mend very soon and remind yourself if you can survive this right now you can survive anything.
Days ahead will be a breeze by comparison.

Stay rested and hydrated. But other than that just get through each day. Stay in pyjamas and just get through. Live off biscuits, tinned soup. Anything you do to get through are the right things right now. Forget housework, laundry etc.

Poor poor you. Hope you are able to feel better soon.

Do you have any saline nasal drops for the baby?

Hi yes I've got calpol, the calpol plug in, saline nasal drops and baby Vapor rub for her. Bless her you know when you can just see in their eyes. She's having to sleep pretty elevated so just wants to be on me all the time. She's still eating ok, struggling with her milk as she's so snotty but her temperature is a little more under control. I hate seeing her like this it's awful.

@dane8 oh I have snuffle babe, on her feet? I've never heard of that one but I'll try any bless her

Aw, you both at a low ebb unsurprisingly.
The bumps in the road will flatten out.... The highs and lows become more manageable.
Day at a time OP.

How is little one doing this evening OP? Any improvement? Poor wee thing and poor you feeling crap too

Thank you @Moretodo I know, there'll always be ups and downs I suppose and really no matter how much pain you're in a mother keeps going for her children

Little baby fast asleep now, she had calpol a bath with some Vapor rub in and then I put it in her chest back and feet, hopefully she's better tomorrow. Not going to lie I just sat on the corner of the sofa earlier crying my eyes out. But, another day done

Finally just got her to sleep @youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for checking in, appreciate it 😊
I hope you've had a nice day. The sw is visiting me at home tomorrow, hope they have an update for me. The wwin woman didn't call me back today, so I text her and still nothing. I know I'm not the only person they will be supporting, but it just doesn't feel right

Vicks on their feet is a big of cold relief magic! I still that to my DS (14!)

I’m not surprised you’ve sat and cried. Get it out. Perhaps make a list of everything you want to ask the SW tomorrow.

Hope you have an easier evening now.

Thanks @Bunce1
I can't think straight, so I need to ask about non mol, occupation order and the house move they're the obvious ones, and the counselling I've asked for. I don't really know what else to say to her I just want to have a fresh start and move on.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The social worker at this stage was just basically asking about family tree, what my wishes are. I explained that I do not want to be in a relationship with him, would like our lives to be separate and one day would want him to have supervised contact with our children.

Remember OP that her priority is ensuing the children are safeguarded.

I would be saying that you want separate lives and are aware that if he were to pursue contact it would need to go through the courts as he is a violent offender and you would want to feel confident that his suitability for contact was robustly vetted and that a supervision plan would be put in place, before considering him having contact with them.

Otherwise if you say 'ideally I'd like him to end up having supervised contact' it can be deemed as you prioritising contact over safeguarding if that makes sense?

I know that's not what you're doing but you need to show from right now and onwards, a consistent commitment to keeping that man away from your children unless the court demands you facilitate contact in which case you'll comply but only after all safeguarding measures are put in place.

She's asked your wishes. I would be saying something like "my priority is the kids and I being safe, whatever that takes. I'm happy to be relocated for our safety and to comply with the system to ensure as many safeguards are in place as possible at every stage of the next months and years. Contact will obviously be something the courts will need to show is safe as I do not want direct contact with him and I am not comfortable with him being around the children unless officials have deemed him safe to have supervised contact and they can walk me through all the safeguarding measures there would be to protect the kids." Etc. And mean it!

Your SW is going to be checking your stance isn't softening / you aren't at risk of allowing him contact that could put you, the kids and the court process in danger.

I hope that all made sense, sorry if it was a bit garbled

Just quoting this from our chat the other day OP as you really do need to have this thinking front of mind when you speak to your midwife / sw / anyone. Make it clear over and over (even to the point you sound like a broken record) that you will do anything to keep your kids safe and that you do not want them to have contact with their dad. Perhaps using some of the phrases suggested in this post as a starting point

I'm a big fan of having doing big crying and sobbing when needed OP. I believe it to be healthier than bottling it all up and trying to keep a lid on it.

Hope you felt ok after it.

Hope your baby sleeps better tonight and is beginning to feel better.

Also a big fan of calpol every four hours as a means of helping her and you get through this tricky time.

Thank you @youvegottenminuteslynn yea I used your post when I spoke to her on the phone, I'll use it to reinforce that message to her. Thank you

I feel a bit like she wasn't listening to me properly, but that could just be the way i am feeling at the moment

Thank you @Ruralbliss
She can have her next dose at 11, hopefully she feels a bit better soon. She's woken up twice crying since I put her down to sleep

Well done OP. Sending love and another hand hold. You are amazing ❤️

@WeyAyeMan

Thank you *@youvegottenminuteslynn* yea I used your post when I spoke to her on the phone, I'll use it to reinforce that message to her. Thank you

I feel a bit like she wasn't listening to me properly, but that could just be the way i am feeling at the moment

And remember, she may hear lots of women say they won't take the guy back or be in contact but it takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abuser so she may be used to people going back on saying that.

So keep on and on saying it (like I said even if you think you sound like a broken record) to everyone you speak to - SW, midwife, doctor, legal team etc.

Make it undeniably your absolute priority and stick to it.

You can do this, you're being so brave

youvegottenminuteslynn is very wise.

Remember: you are now the lioness survivor, not the battered victim.

Remember: you must be willing to engage with all support and help you can get to keep yourself and your child safe.

If baby is snotty with cold, be confident about how you have looked after her through today and overnight.

Be direct with questions about fast-tracking orders. There is urgency here.

There's nothing wrong with saying you've had a good cry. Totally normal.

My social worker didn't pretend to be my 'friend' at all: he was only concerned about the welfare of my baby and how I was coping. It was frightening at first, but after a few visits I found his straight-forward and informed approach a great comfort - he was a safe person/male for me and my baby to be around after the trauma I'd suffered at the hands of my husband.

How are you feeling about baby on the way?

Good luck for today lioness OP.

Agreeing with others that keeping you and kid(s) safe and demonstrating this to the professionals tasked with supporting you is paramount.

All thoughts of contact with the muderous man will wait until future times when you are settled and secure.