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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
WeyAyeMan · 08/01/2022 22:00

Looking forward to tomorrow, my lovely friend who sent me the beautiful gift is coming for dinner. I'm not up to going out but looking for a nice local restaurant which would deliver a hugggee Sunday dinner! I feel a lot better tonight, I hope every body else has a good Saturday night xx

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/01/2022 22:03

@WeyAyeMan, I think you need to really push them on the orders.

Or call Women's Aid and ask them for help. You can call agencies other than the ones you have been referred to.

WeyAyeMan · 08/01/2022 22:10

@mathanxiety I spoke to Womens aid who basically referred to to wearside women in need and that was it. Police safety planning team hasn't returned my calls, but I'm meeting the social worker on Tuesday again, she wants a safety plan so surely she could help me push with this. If not I don't know who else to ask, approach an independent solicitor maybe?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 22:36

Another day nearly done OP! Officially over a week - what an achievement Thanks

mathanxiety · 08/01/2022 22:37

If they want a safety plan, that has to include those orders. The SW should be able to help. You could ask if you need to do anything yourself to secure the orders, if the police need to give statements in support, what needs to be done to get them in place, including whether you need to get a solicitor.

Pushing for the orders is going to make you look as if you are really ready to cut ties with this man.

He has to be served with the orders, so that he can't claim he wasn't aware of them. Quite often, abusers are really angry when this happens. This is because a non-mol order and an occupation order are reminders that he is not the master of all he surveys, and there is an authority in the land higher than him.

Abusers like to believe that they are above the law. Reminders to the contrary don't go down well. He is probably not the happiest camper cooling his heels in custody.

Star
WeyAyeMan · 08/01/2022 22:41

@mathanxiety I asked wwin on Wednesday but I think maybe I'll be better off chasing it up with the sw. So basically when he is eventually released, he'd then be served with the two orders? Oh to be the person serving those!

Thank you @youvegottenminuteslynn it really is an hourly battle sometimes but I'm slowly getting there

OP posts:
JackTheHack · 08/01/2022 22:42

@WeyAyeMan

God this thread is a life saver, I'm shaking reading the responses but they are helping me so much. I actually managed to get a good bit of sleep and my daughter slept really well last night.

I'm actually on the outskirts of Durham so covered by Northumbria police, I'm being supported by social services and wearside women in need. All 3 have been very good to me.

I woke up to a text saying that he's been charged with false imprisonment, 4 assaults occasioning actual bodily harm, 1 common assault
Don't really understand any of it all. I keep thinking of him lying in that cell, wondering what he would say to me, if he's sorry. And then I remember why he's in there in the first place, thanks to the strength I'm finding

Thank you all so much for the support I actually feel a bit humbled

False Imprisonment is one of the big 5 crimes so he may get a bit of a sentence which is fortunate for you I think. Gives you time to recover and regain strength
WeyAyeMan · 08/01/2022 22:46

@JackTheHack is it? To be honest I've felt too emotional to really look it up, my old grandad is retired chief inspector but he couldn't give me an answer on what type of time frames I could be looking at. The longer the better then I have more time to heal and build a new life with my babies

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/01/2022 22:49

Don't count on much time, @WeyAyeMan.

Forge ahead and don't let the grass grow under your feet. Make plans with the team supporting you to move away.

You will need to make sure your SM doesn't give away your location once you move.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 22:51

You say you're taking it hour by hour (which is absolutely the right approach for now). When you wake up tomorrow you'll have done 200 hours without him Thanks

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2022 23:01

Op, I don’t know if it helps but some family and friends of mine are Police. One night they had a conversation and said the worst job was domestic violence, that thr women always say “but I love him” and then the exact words they used were, by the end these women are “barely human” any more, we would barely recognise them as human beings.

They have been so beaten throughout their lives they are so pitiful,utterly utterly Pitiful, they sit there, bruised, battered, toothless, missing hair, parts of their bodies no longer working, and the same officers, deal with them, year after year and see them physically and mentally decline. See them mouth but I love him. And go back, to get another disability, another shame, their adult children won’t come near them, they leave as soon as they can. Those kids never look back

Don’t be that woman. Don’t be that woman that saddens, frustrates and is pitied by police, go have your life and meet someone good. Let your children be raised in an environment where violence, fear isn’t the norm, where they don’t look at their own mother with pity and disgust.

Go have a happy life. You and yours should never be near this animal again.

RoyKentsChestHair · 08/01/2022 23:14

Bluntness that’s heartbreaking. WeyAyeMan please don’t be a statistic. So often these men don’t even get arrested let alone charged, they go on to wreak absolute devastation for the women and children in their lives. You have a real chance here to heal and to start afresh. Your empathy and your natural kindness could be your undoing if it focusses on him and not on you.

What is he thinking? Who gives a shit! He’s a violent thug who’s not worthy of a moment of your consideration. Flowers

WeyAyeMan · 08/01/2022 23:16

@mathanxiety I will 100% embrace this opportunity for a new fresh start, my own calm space, where we will be safe. What is SM?

@youvegottenminuteslynn wow, when you put it like that I do feel pretty proud!!

@Bluntness100 that's quite harrowing to read. I don't want to be that woman and most importantly I don't want that for my children

OP posts:
WeyAyeMan · 08/01/2022 23:17

@RoyKentsChestHair yes you're right. Being too soft hearted got me in this position in the first place. At the end of the day he didn't care or think about how I was feeling when he was punching my face in or strangling me. I keep thinking that now any time I have a thought like that.
I was properly feeling sorry for myself earlier, think it was because I'm a bit unwell but actually, I can and will do it

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/01/2022 23:45

SM = social media.

Facebook, anywhere else he might try finding you and stalking you online, looking for clues about your whereabouts.

You need to block him everywhere, and rethink all of your friend groups.

Maybe close down any accounts you have that he may be aware of or go quiet on them for the foreseeable.

You should change all email passwords you have.

RoyKentsChestHair · 08/01/2022 23:52

Being too soft hearted got me in this position in the first place. That sounds a bit “victim blame-y” - the only thing that got you in this position is him being an abusive c**t (I’m being polite and asterisking it because you seem so nice Grin )

Please don’t take my comment as being a negative towards you - your ‘softness’ is your strength, it’s what makes you a loving mother and person. Just don’t direct it towards him. Flowers

WeyAyeMan · 09/01/2022 00:02

@mathanxiety oh right, I didn't even think of that but actually he knows my passwords. I'm wide awake so going to work on it now. I've already blocked his number and fb I don't have any other social media but I may deactivate anyway as I only tend to use messenger

@RoyKentsChestHair that's so funny, I'm a geordie I love a good swear! Haha you're right though I will not be directly my love towards him ever again

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2022 01:10

Ah, you sound much better now! Glad you're feeling better, and stronger, and still taking strength from the posts!

Excellent plan to change all your passwords immediately. ALL of them - bank, email, SM, insurance, tax, anything he might know and even if you don't think he does know.

Chase up with the SW on Monday, and see if the police have any further info on him remaining in custody.

Hope you have a lovely Sunday dinner with lovely friend! Thanks

(Waves back at @13yearslater - I recognise you! You did so well. I too have a stroppy teen now! Grin)

SandyPanda · 09/01/2022 08:57

I've just read your thread and you are absolutely inspirational, you're putting your DCs first and that will be life changing for them, rather than staying with this abuser.

It's been a hard read and I can feel your pain but thank god I'm reading this rather than a newspaper headline saying pregnant mother strangled in front of her toddler on Christmas Day.

Thanks
WeyAyeMan · 09/01/2022 09:12

@SandyPanda yes that's been on my mind quite a lot, I can't comprehend the fact that I could have been killed and I really think that's why I minimised it as the reality just felt too painful.

Today is the first day I haven't woke up panicking. Just a lovely relaxed Sunday morning with Peppa pig on the tv, that is progress 😊

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I've changed absolutely every thing now, removed him from my next of kin (I did that when I had my early scan at hospital) and turned on second verification for anything I can, I might still get a new phone number just to be sure

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/01/2022 09:32

Brilliant! you're doing so well, well done!

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 09:45

OP,

You are amazing.
Have a lovely day.

Flowers
Queenie6655 · 09/01/2022 11:47

You are my hero

Well done !!!

You will have a happy joyous life with out this abusing piece of shit

How dare he treat you so badly

Your life will be so much better going forward
I can testify to this !!!!!!!

Let's hope he gets a good jail spell like my abusive fckwit

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2022 12:06

Your 200 hours without him is here!

200 hours of putting your children absolutely first despite being in both physical and emotional pain.

You're a ledge Thanks

Bunce1 · 09/01/2022 13:06

200 hours of being free.

You’re doing so so well.

Suns out here, I am going to go for a gentle stroll in a min, and get that vitamin D into me.

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