DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

Hi @WeyAyeMan just wanted to come in to let you know how much I've been thinking of you.

I read the other post just now which says Mumsnet support has encouraged over 6000 women to escape their abusers and start new fresh lives in safety.

Hope you are learning how to put one foot in front of the other. It's very tough to have 24/7 care of a baby whilst early stages of pregnancy (exhausting on its own) and suffering from PTSD. Really feeling for you but you can and will do this.

That idea of having an aim of getting out for a walk once a day sounds like a good idea. The fresh air, change of scene and feeling your achieved it will boost you. On the days you don't manage it don't fret no one is auditing you and you need to be aware that it's survival that's key right now. Each day you get yourself and your baby to bed is another win for getting through into the new future.

Keep posting if you can we are rooting for you and love to hear how you are doing.

Thinking of you.

@bounce89 that's such a good idea.
I too changed our house after the kids shitty dad left (he attacked our son rather than me) made me see it was mine not his.

We got rid of stuff, changed furniture and bedrooms around, painted cupboards and bought gazillions or house plants when funds were low then later got bigger things changed (flooring, curtains etc)

Psychologically it helps. It's the house equivalent of 'I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair'

@bounce89 that's a really good idea I'm going to have a look into it now, thank you.

@Colouringaddict you're name made me think maybe adult colouring would help my mind, I've just ordered soMe lovely pens and an adult colouring book!

Thank you @Ruralbliss it means a lot. Last night wasn't a perfect nights sleep but I slept better than I have in over a week. Still just feel absolutely exhausted though, going to make sure I get out today

I’ve just read through your thread and wanted to say - you‘re amazing 🌻

[quote WeyAyeMan]@bounce89 that's a really good idea I'm going to have a look into it now, thank you.

@Colouringaddict you're name made me think maybe adult colouring would help my mind, I've just ordered soMe lovely pens and an adult colouring book![/quote]
I highly recommend colouring to steady your mind. I can lose hours once I get into it xx

I'm feeling very unwell today, have a brownish discharge upset stomach, shaking and headache. Everything is such a stress. I called my sister to see if she could watch the baby for a little while but she's going out.

You know that feeling when someone dies and your world stops but everybody else's world keeps on turning, that's how I'm feeling. I miss him so much, he wasn't all bad all the time and he would of helped me now 😢 I feel like I can't live wiithout him

You can't live WITH him. He tried to stop you living AT ALL.

Can you call someone else? Anyone else? Where is the discharge coming from, do you need to go to the GP/maternity unit?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I know, I'm being totally irrational.

It was brown Vaginal discharge when I wiped but seems to have stopped now. I've called my brother instead x

@WeyAyeMan I've been following your thread and absolutely admire you for being so strong and dealing with this alone. I truly wish you were closer to me because I would help you in a heartbeat.

Please stay strong and ride out the bad thoughts and hard times - you are stronger than you realise and the past will soon be behind you.

OK - but if it comes back, or it turns into blood, please go and see someone - not sure if maternity units take walk-ins these days, I know I went in after my mum died while I was pg because my baby stopped moving for a couple of days and they squeezed me in to do a doppler check for the heartbeat (was all fine!) - but that was 15 years ago and well before COVID and the bastard Tories started their damaging run on the NHS.

Have you seen a midwife, do you have one you can call? Or a team? Just to be on the safe side.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad the midwife hasn't made contact with me, if it comes back I'll contact early pregnancy unit where I went for the scan on Tuesday. I pray everything is ok with the baby. I've forced a salad down and some juice today.

@hopefulitsmyyear thank you, appreciate it just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel

Keep an eye on the discharge, and well done for eating something today.

I have afew of those cartons of fresh soups, they are on special in Tescos at the moment. Quick and nutritious to heat up and eat. Gentle to digest.

Have you been able to set your brother?

It was freezing cold and wet here today, did you manage a walk?

You say he would have helped you but even if he had for a bit, he would also have at some point strangled you again.

Assaulted you again.

Attempted to murder you again.

Attempted to end your life again, leaving your little one motherless and potentially not even giving your baby the chance to be born.

Abused you throughout your children's childhood, tainting it forever and leaving them likely to end up in abusive relationships themselves.

Please try to focus on that rather than any memories of good times. At the moment, you are so vulnerable to romanticising the 'good' bits and it will set you back.

Instead, and I know this sounds awful, but embrace the grief.

You need to grieve exactly as if someone has died. There's no way past it, no way of skipping it. It's fucking awful but you need to go through this truly awful bit in order to get out the other side intact, with your children safe and zero chance of him being in your life again.

I'm so sorry again that you're having to go through this

Hi OP

Well done for keep sharing the truth of how you are feeling, instead of pretending to please us!

When you share the truth we can try and support and advise.

The thought you can't live without him, remember what mathanxiety wrote?

When you feel you can't live without him, remembering he wasn't all bad... His manipulation (the mask) was nice, it kept you hoping, hanging on.
They need to have this nice mask or they would not be able to begin the abusive cycles.
You have been entrained to think and believe you can't live without him.

How did you live then before him?

It's not true.
You have gone back into denial, perfectly normal.
This denial keeps us trapped for years, and can lead to death.

You will also be withdrawing from the adrenalin, cortisol and oxytocin that these situations provoke. We become addicted to it.

Your brain and body may be crying out for the abuser to come and complete the cycle, the bit where he's sorry, he loves you, you make up, he reassures you. (if this is the next part, some abusers don't bother with this bit, the woman is so well trained that just the abuser being there is enough).

Look at "intermittent reenforcement" to understand what may be going on with you psychologically.

Thank God he is locked up and you have physical space so you can begin to get sane around it.

I hope everything is OK with the pregnancy.
Another thing he has done to you.
Are you sure you can't live without him? Can you see how that statement just does not fit with the situation?
What advice would you give DD or your bestie in this situation?
Take your own medicine.

The abuse has affected you psychologically, perhaps make decisions based on what you would advise DD for a while?
Can you imagine her being in this position, and saying you understand she can't live without him and hopefully he won't kill her or start on the children.

Treat yourself like someone you love. Make decisions for yourself like someone you love.
Give yourself permission to show up as an adult.

Have read the whole thread. OP your pain is palpable. It has brought back painful memories and I can wholly identify with your feelings of missing your ex. The shock, trauma, confusion, inability to sleep, the panic and fear. I too had a baby at the time - he was 6 months old.

MN was also an absolute life-line for me. I had unbelievable advice and support. (waves at thumbwitch random math)

You are doing so well. You can't see it now but you will eventually. You have left the house for starters! I didn't leave the house for three weeks.
In the first few days and weeks of my ex husband vanishing, I desperately needed some kind of time-frame for the terror to start to ease...In my case it took about four months.
I was able to start boxing up his stuff after about a month. But it was awful. Traumatic.
I worried about him constantly and blamed myself. I couldn't look at the baby as he had his father's eyes.
I drank Rescue Remedy all the time.
The pain was so bad it felt like blood poisoning.

All. This. Goes.

You have to know that. You just have to go through it. It's a fucking nightmare.

You have done brilliantly in speaking out, accepting support and help from agencies, exposing your violent ex and keeping your baby safe.

Four weeks after my ex vanished, my baby was removed from me for two nights by SS as I was not coping. It was the worst thing ever. But it was a huge turning point...I became a lioness. I realised that my ex was GONE. DUST.. and that even if he reappeared, he had shown his true self and that my child needed to be safe, protected and loved. By me.
Ex's family also cut all contact with me and blamed me. That is the sort of family that could create the monster that is my ex. Not your fault!

You are finding the lioness in you. Keep posting for every kind of help you need - emotional, practical, financial. There are many experts here able to advise you.

Hold on to this thread. One day you can print it up and show it to your children.

My thread is in the loft. My son is now an annoying teen. x

The discharge is quite possibly because you haven't been eating and drinking properly.

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2017/11/this-powerful-manipulation-method-keeps-you-bonded-to-your-abuser/

Thanks for posting that link @Moretodo - hits the nail on the head. Hope you find it useful @WeyAyeMan

Thank you all, I'm reading through everything now.
I've ate and drank a bit, and put some washing away. I feel a bit more positive now, I'll read up on everything that's been posted. Thank you again x

It's been dreadful weather today @WeyAyeMan so a good one to do not much and flop about. Good work getting some nutrition in and putting stuff away. That's all I've done today too.

Adult colouring is such a nice invention and you'll have nice images to put on walls was you finish them.

Would pretty jigsaws be a nice soothing no-rush activity too? I remember when my babes were teeny and the days were a bit repetitive I'd have one on the side board so could just do a few pieces while they bounced/rolled/chewed/babbled etc. It was satisfying.

Hope the discharge hasn't amounted to anything. I had that with both my pregnancies.

Glad various agencies have you on their books.

@Ruralbliss I won't be able to put these pictures on the walls, it's a swear word one 😂😂😂

Oohh I haven't done a jigsaw since I was little, I might take a look, thanks for the suggestion.

It's easing off now pretty much, think I have a bit of a stomach bug so hoping that's all it was

@dane8

Just looked on Amazon for swearing colouring book, im ordering 2 to remind me when the thoughts start “ F… this s… & f… off I’m colouring

Thank you for the advice. This is the one I've ordered it comes tomorrow 😄

Fck Off! This is MY Coloring Book: The Very Fcking Best of John T | Swear word adult coloring book pages with stress relieving and relaxing designs! https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SFKZ3D/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabcRYP6BMQXV5PBXSZ26NSP

@youvegottenminuteslynn @13yearslater @Moretodo thank you again for your fast input when my thoughts were going in the wrong direction. I've had a good read and it all makes sense. I've bookmarked it to keep reading, and screen shotted your posts to access it fast when I need to.
Appreciate the time you have all put in to helping me xx