DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

I had a knock at the door and reluctantly went to answer it, absolutely terrified. It was Royal Mail with a huge box from boots, my address my name, but I didn't order anything.

It was a huge beautiful soap and glory gift set, but no note inside the box. Tan back upstairs shaking was texting my friend and turns out it was her 😂 I would laugh but I'm still shaking I've became a shadow of my former self

Ran back upstairs *

Yea I'm still in bed, I hate spending time downstairs now

Oh lovely - you need to get away from there so you're not jumping at knocks on the door.
How lovely of your friend to send you something but perhaps it would have been a good idea to have given you a heads up something was coming, so you didn't get a shock!

You do what you need to do to feel more ok - if that's staying in bed, then do that.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I know, I hate being in this house. It doesn't feel like home. Apparently there is a marac meeting regarding me next Wednesday. Everything just seems so far away. Time is going so slow.

Yeah thankfully she messaged straight away and apologised for frightening me, bless her, she had the best intentions.

Have you tried Affirmations or meditations?

Lots on you tube, mindful movement are good, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, all accessible.

Affirmations are good because of the repetition aspect, as someone mentioned earlier, the brain is plastic, and since childhood you have had some negative messaging, affirmed by partners and internalised by yourself.
How many times they/we put us down? This becomes so ingrained/trained into us.

We can begin to tread a new pathway using Affirmations.

You could write some of your own and stick them up around the house.

Maybe write out what mathanxiety said about the planets. Bring positives and truth to the front of your mind.

Journalling has always helped me, getting all my feelings out and on paper at the end of the day. I seldom read it back but it was very useful to spill my pain and successes daily. Something about writing things out showed me the truth, rather than whirling in my head, haunting me.

Are there any baby groups in your area? Could start to fill the calendar with some new stuff for you and DD.

It's a new year, new start, you are completely free and single.
Can create a whole new life for you and DD, one you really love to live! A day at a time, chipping away at old thoughts and patterns that no longer serve you.

@Moretodo I'm going to look into it and the headspace app. I've called the GP as I just can't cope, I hate my life. I can't go to the toilet without my daughter hanging off my legs screaming, I can't have a bath, I can't sleep because she's not sleeping. I don't get a break and I feel guilty saying this but I just feel like it's too much on me when I'm broken. It's relentless and exhausting and I'm in so much mental pain I can't do it

It won’t be like this forever, I promise. You are terribly stressed and your daughter is picking up on this.
What you’re experiencing is a bit like a bereavement, your life has been ripped from under you. A friend told me it was like the We’re going on aBear Hunt Story —- you can’t go round it, over it or under it, you have to go through it to come out the other side. I hated hearing that at the time but she was 100% right.
List the help you need and who can provide that. GP, Health Visitor to offer support with your little girl? Do the police have a DV liaison officer who might be able to help.
You’re doing so well, it’s a shit road to walk along but it will get better.

Another day nearly done OP

Have you managed to use any of the treats your friend sent to you at all? You bloody deserve them!

Thank you both 😊 yea I managed to use some of the shower gel and dry shampoo 😂 didn't get the relaxing bath I wanted though with a screaming baby standing at the side! I do smell lovely though 😊

@Suzanne999 dv liaison officer isn't answering but to be fair at the moment there's not much happening so nothing for them to really say, I just wish this process would hurry up

I just read the whole thread.

I wanted to come on and add my voice to the chorus of how fucking amazing you actually are.

You really really are. He would have killed you.

I wondered if it would be helpful for you to start walking. Get the pushchair, snacks a hot drink and got for a long brisk walk. Stop at a park. Feed some ducks. But walk. I used to walk when I was in a deep PND. I felt that if I could at least do that I had saved my day. The fresh air will do you and your baby the world of good. If you can manage it. Getting out mid morning or just after an early lunch. It saved me.

Toddler groups might be starting up again? Would that be an option?

I think you’re so brave and so sound. You’re going to get through this.

@Bunce1 ahhh thank you so much, I don't feel it I feel broken but I'm clinging on to the fact that one day I'll look back in this and be proud of myself.

That's a really good idea I think I might set a time to walk every day just to give the day a bit of purpose. Right now I'm in bed most of the day up a bit then watching the clock for bedtime again, it's not helpful at all

If it helps you sleep or even just feel any more relaxed, it's worth trying to find some YouTube videos that are a few hours long of a sound you love.

Then just have it on your phone / laptop - no need to actually watch it, just close your eyes and let the sound soothe you a bit.

I love these ones and they really help when I'm having a period of depression:

Hi Op I've been lurking since your first post.
I'll be honest and admit when I was first reading your earlier posts I was concerned you'd forgive him and go back to him. I know it's so so hard to truly leave when you're so dependent on someone (emotionally)
So I'm so pleased to read your more recent posts where you are clearly feeling stronger in your convictions. The short term future will be tough, there's no denying that but one day you'll look back and feel so proud of yourself in this very moment.

And what a lovely friend to send you a care package to cheer you up

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If it helps you sleep or even just feel any more relaxed, it's worth trying to find some YouTube videos that are a few hours long of a sound you love.

Then just have it on your phone / laptop - no need to actually watch it, just close your eyes and let the sound soothe you a bit.

I love these ones and they really help when I'm having a period of depression:

Thank you so much! I've actually been using these to get to sleep already 😊 I'm feeling a bit better tonight, it really is a case of taking it hour by hour at the moment, I wish I could give you all a massive hug

@givemepiece thank you I really appreciate all the support I've received I don't think anybody will ever fully understand just how much it's helped. You're right I'm certainly going through the motions, what ifs wanting him back but I'm lying with my daughter and nothing is worth risking losing my children. I just remind myself, what would she be doing now if he had of squeezed my neck that little bit longer.

My friend is the best, bless her, she's always been a very special friend to me, by my side since we were 11. I love her to bits xx

@dane8 yea she's definitely picked up on it, bless her 😔 im going to set a daily alarm for us to go out for a walk it will do us the world of good, maybe find somewhere to treat myself to a beautiful hot chocolate. I weighed myself today as my collarbones feel like they're sticking out, I've lost over a stone in a week! Really not good I'm making an effort now for the baby to eat plenty fruit and vegetables every day.

Hi op. I read your thread a week ago and thought you were incredible and just checked back to see how you were doing.
I'm so so happy you're being so strong and will
keep your daughter and baby safe from him. A few more seconds and he would have killed you.
You should be so so proud of yourself x

Which country does he come from overseas?

Because some countries, the children are automatically citizens and he could get them a passport from that country and take them to his, you'd never get them back.

So depending on where he's from, you might want to speak to legal aid about getting the kid/s on a no-fly list and watch list for customs OP.

Apart from that, you are so amazing - stay left and protect your babies.
Do you have to stay in the house? Could you go to a mother and baby unit or womens refuge instead? You could be at risk of post natal depression, having been through such a huge trauma.

Hopefully your ex gets a long time for the attempted murder on you, not just a few months.

Best of luck for the future OP. x

Hot chocolate sounds heavenly. Enjoy that tomorrow and I want to hear about it.

I’m post (minor) surgery at the moment so a walk and a hot choc sounds perfect, but in need to rest a bit more. I’ll live vicariously through yours! Spare no details.

Any progress with a Non-molestation order, @WeyAyeMan?

You also need an occupation order.

I was a victim of DV too…. Twice. I hadn’t healed from the first man and walked slap bang into another, only worse because the 1st was a heavy drinker and that was when the violence occurred, the 2nd as and when he felt like it. I’ve walked away twice with children and all we had was what we were wearing. Took me a long time to heal and recover, but I did.

Hold your head high, you are doing so well and if it helps you at all, I am so proud of you, you are strong, you’ve got this.

It is easier if he goes to prison so that you can restart your new life with your beautiful children safely in the knowledge that he can’t get to you any more.

Don’t even start to worry about contact with the children, that’s a way off yet, just deal with each day, one foot in front of the other. With counselling and support you will be supporting others just like people have supported you.

Big hugs from me to you x

Could you have a look to see if you have home start in your area? They have volunteers that can offer you support in the home, maybe this could help give you time to have a shower and any other support you need?

www.home-start.org.uk/pages/category/things-we-can-help-with

I found that changing things about my house helped too, I couldn't move for a while so things like treating myself to some new bedding and moving the furniture around seemed to give me a feeling that it was my house again. Knowing that he didn't know the things that had changed in my home made me feel strong (no idea why!)

You really are so strong and you're doing everything right.

@mathanxiety

Any progress with a Non-molestation order, *@WeyAyeMan*?

You also need an occupation order.

No, I've asked my idva, social worker and police safety planner. Yes we can do that leave it with me, I've heard nothing from anyone. I know there's a marac meeting on Wednesday could they be waiting for that?