DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

Thank you so much @Queenie6655

I've got no short term plans, I'm just waiting to hear back from the agencies I've been in contact with. There is a Marac meeting about me next Wednesday, requested counselling,

I need to go register with the midwife, and visit my other grandparents with their Christmas gift, other than that, nothing.

Xxxxxx

I don't mean to minimise what you're going through but would cheery film or book recommendations help? I know you're alone a lot so it might work as a bit of distraction if people could recommend?

@Yummypumpkin oh yes please, I can't really focus on anything as such but a film for the background may be good. I can't watch the programmes I have recorded as we watched them together, everything is just a painful reminder. But that is a lovely thoughtful suggestion, thank you 😊

I'm truly blown away by Mumsnet x

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Focus on the road ahead, not the mountains in the distance, for now.

You are honestly doing so well.

You're speaking about this, engaging with authorities, looking after your baby and your one on the way AND you're resolute you won't be taking him back and I believe you.

Mate, you're an absolute queen

Well said.

I absolutely agree.

You are a phenomenal young woman.

Don't be afraid to reach out for a bit of company, even to schedule a call with a friend while you both watch a light hearted tv programme.

You are doing so well.

I've been lurking on this post and checking in daily since the start wondering how you were doing and silently cheering you on for being so brave and so strong.
I haven't experienced anything like you have but i recognise how hard It is to stay strong and not to have him back.
You've had some great advice on this thread and I'm so glad you have found a tribe who will support you and who have experience of what you've been through.
You are so strong and you can get past this and go on snd lead a happy life where you snd your babies can be safe in your life.
Cheering you on from the sidelines. You can get through this xx

I know the feeling. When I've been depressed or traumatised I can't read or follow a film.

Some things I've watched recently (I'm sure others will have much better ideas) are Paddington, Peter Rabbit (both on iplayer right now) and a film which is on Amazon called Jamie The Musical.

They are gentle, humorous, romance and violence free (actually Peter Rabbit is quite violent!).

@Yummypumpkin thank you I've just remembered the apprentice is back on tonight also, always loves that so going to settle into bed ready for it starting

Thank you @hidinginthegarden & @billy1966 I genuinely appreciate the support more than you know

Perfect!

I found it so hard after a traumatic attack to find things to watch that didn't have sex, assault or adult relationships in and it was then I yet again thanked my lucky stars for Harry Potter! The films are such great escapism - worth a go if you are able to

The new Paddington films are a brilliant shout too, gorgeous to look at as well as fun!

I hope you don't find this patronising op but for a long time I had to treat myself like an infant in order to allow healing

It really worked and now when I have flashbacks and bad days I soothe myself as much as I can , wrap myself in blankets etc

Each day gets better

I am just so sad you went through this

How can abusers live with themselves
Mine believes he just shouted and I 'overreacted' 😮😮

...the days are so long I'm missing him a lot

I think what's happening is you are missing familiarity.

Unfortunately, what was familiar was toxic, but it was something you had got used to, and as part of the trauma binding you felt that you had some control over what was going to happen. Not control as in you directly telling him what you wanted or didn't want and he would do that, but the ability to manage his mood.

You were a satellite orbiting a planet. You couldn't break free from your orbit because his gravity was too strong, but you felt there was a force of gravity of your own allowing you to influence the spin of the planet, or at least influence the tides. That was your role. You had got used to it.

You are now in a strange sort of limbo. The planet has exploded and only shattered remnants spin around you. Some hit you hard. Some make it difficult for you to see the way forward.

For the first time since meeting this man you are truly in charge of your own life and the direction you take. You are spinning through space on your own. This is a totally unfamiliar feeling, and a role you are going to have to learn.

The new life without him will take some getting used to, but once you get the hang of it you will never turn back. Think of yourself as an emerging star.

@mathanxiety that is absolutely beautiful and so perfectly put, it’s brought a tear to my eyes. I’m also recently separated from someone whose behaviour has definitely been abusive and I’m struggling to accept that tbh because I loved him so much. This has really struck a chord with me and I hope it has also for OP. Thank you

@Queenie6655 definitely don't find it patronising I am grateful for any ideas to help ease this pain a little. You amazing ladies have been a lifeline to me.

@mathanxiety that is so beautifully written I feel like I can just close my eyes and visualise what you are saying. It has really helped calm me tonight. I'll never be able to thank you enough. Do you do this kind of thing professionally, if not you really should.

@youvegottenminuteslynn you've also brought me a lot of comfort and help me pass the hour. I cried today because my dads wife made a joke about 'black eyes like .....' and looked at me and laughed, and then video calling my grandparents my grandma said I shouldn't have lost my temper and pushed and pushed at him, the what ifs and guilt just came crashing back. They don't understand at all 😔

Your dads wife joked about you having black eyes? What a bitch! Please distance yourself from family if they’re disrespectful to you. It’s no surprise you’ve been ended up in an abusive relationship if this is the standard you’ve been set.

@RoyKentsChestHair so basically my little nephew had been given a baby yoda, she unpacked it and on the yoda the eyes are just full black, she said oh just like (and then said my name.) I feel like a few of my family are fucking enjoying this because they didn't like him anyway. And, not defending him, but his opinions on them appear to be correct!

Well your dad's wife is a cunt, pal. A cruel and nasty cunt.

This is going to sound counter intuitive but bear with me, I've a point at the end! I felt so, so, so lonely when I left an abusive partner. Empty. I so desperately wanted to keep the people in my life present so I wasn't alone. But I realised that ending that relationship was actually an opportunity for me to cut loose ALL the people who weren't really fully on my side. Who weren't fully supportive. Who minimised or trivialised it.

And my god I cannot recommend quality over quantity enough! I lost maybe a dozen friends (some mutual with him which is always tough) and went temporarily no contact and then permanently low contact with once I felt a little more resilient again e.g able to attend a family do and be civil then leave when I wanted.

It was liberating to think "you know what? You weren't there for my absolute lowest moments so fuck you, thinking you can bring me down and / or get to be there when I'm better again."

I've told this story before on here but I remember a certain day after the break up, waking up in bed alone and quite literally bursting out laughing. Genuine, proper joy at the fact I was FREE. Safe. No arseholes to manage, nobody else's moods to regulate, no upcoming social do to get anxious about.

And the people who did stay around were angels. And still are. And we've helped each other through whatever life has thrown at us.

I would say, gently, that if your dad is capable of being with a woman who has openly laughed at his daughter being physically attacked, he is not a safe person for you to be around emotionally at the moment. Because he should be someone you can look to for unwavering support and he's unable or unwilling to provide that. Seeing people like his wife will hold you back from getting better. It is better at the moment to feel sad someone isn't there for you and so not see them, than it is to see them and have them making you question yourself re are you overrreacting etc.

Because you aren't.

If you're lonely, please do keep talking on here if it helps. There are some posters who keep us all posted on what they're going through, sometimes for months or even years, and use this as an outlet and source of support and help others in their initial situation when they're a bit further down the line.

You've nearly got another day under your belt!

Sorry that was meant to say:

And my god I cannot recommend quality over quantity enough! I lost maybe a dozen friends (some mutual with him which is always tough) and family who I went temporarily no contact and then permanently low contact with once I felt a little more resilient again e.g able to attend a family do and be civil then leave when I wanted.

@youvegottenminuteslynn it's funny you should say that, but she was an absolute cunt back in the day too! I was actually no contact with her and my dad for 12 years. Only getting back in touch towards the end of the pregnancy with my daughter. When my ex met her he called it for what it is and he never gave her the time of day.

She hurt me saying that. Then hugs me goodbye and texts to see how I am. I think they just enjoy a bit drama to distract from the fact that my dad has actually become an alcoholic and she's not happy in her marriage. Actually my dad made me feel shit the other day too, we'd gone up to finally exchange Christmas gifts, he picked me up as at that time my car mot had expired, obviously he would need to bring us home again, after an hour or so you could see he just wanted rid of me, I got the hint when he started asking what time my daughters bed time is 😔 I think it's things like that are making me come home to this sad house and break down missing my ex, because at the time I thought he was just bitter and nasty but he was actually right about them. My own sister hasn't seen me since the night he was arrested. Texts me asking how I am every couple of days then when I reply she doesn't bother to read it. Honestly I've never really relied on them at all but it's just highlighting the fact that I really was emotionally dependent on him too. That's why I genuinely mean it when I say thank god for you amazing ladies on here

@youvegottenminuteslynn - very wise words indeed.

@WeyAyeMan - if your family are less than supportive, to the point of emotionally abusive themselves, do you think this might have contributed to you finding yourself in this situation with your abusive ex? [I'm calling him ex to encourage you!]
And yes, however "empty" and lonely you might feel, going to abusive types for support is never going to work out well. They will blame you and tell you it's your weakness - they are WRONG. This is all on HIM.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I think they have definitely contributed to it, the fact that I will accept this kind of behaviour towards me because atleast I'm not alone.
My mother abandoned me three times. Have not heard from her in 4 years. No contact with my dad for all those years, I suffered with terrible anxiety as a child and my parents cancelled the counselling behind my back saying it wasn't needed - I discovered this on my medical records a couple of years ago.
I think I need a lot of therapy

Remember, you're a nice decent person so you look for the best in people. Whereas massive cunts easily recognise their peers! So they do have an uncanny ability to spot them quickly. Usually because they want complete control over someone (you in this situation) so firstly they don't want someone else to have power over you and secondly they know other arseholes recognise them too, so want them out of the picture before the other arsehole warns you they're bad news.

They are fascination creatures, nasty people. But best viewed from afar and retrospectively. There's no place for them in your life.

Can I be bold and suggest something I've noticed that you may not be aware of? It sounds like you're such a lovely mum that you really want your little one to have relationships uou view as positive in principle e.g. feeling bad about your ex leaving, giving your dad another chance so he could get to know your little one as a grandad and she could have a grandad. But reigniting / maintaining connections with people who should make your child's life better (e.g. a dad, a grandad) is only ever in the child's best interest if that person is a positive representation of that role. No dad on the scene is so much better than a shit one, for example. Please do be mindful of that when you're considering who to bring into, or back into, your child's orbit. You're like a bouncer for entry to their world. And you need to take the stance that if someone is even a bit of a cunt, they ain't getting in!

I hope that wasn't overstepping, just something to consider

Fascinating creatures, not fascination!

[quote WeyAyeMan]@ThumbWitchesAbroad I think they have definitely contributed to it, the fact that I will accept this kind of behaviour towards me because atleast I'm not alone.
My mother abandoned me three times. Have not heard from her in 4 years. No contact with my dad for all those years, I suffered with terrible anxiety as a child and my parents cancelled the counselling behind my back saying it wasn't needed - I discovered this on my medical records a couple of years ago.
I think I need a lot of therapy [/quote]
Yes, it does sound like you would benefit from therapy/counselling! You've been set up to accept abusive behaviour as normal and somehow equating to "love" - which it doesn't, as you know.

I'm so sorry you've had so many shit people in your life and can only echo youvegottenminuteslynn when she says that you don't need to have relationships with damaging people, and neither do your children - if they're doing more harm than good, then they're best off coming nowhere near you and yours.

But reigniting / maintaining connections with people who should make your child's life better (e.g. a dad, a grandad) is only ever in the child's best interest if that person is a positive representation of that role. No dad on the scene is so much better than a shit one, for example. Please do be mindful of that when you're considering who to bring into, or back into, your child's orbit. You're like a bouncer for entry to their world. And you need to take the stance that if someone is even a bit of a cunt, they ain't getting in!
[ youvegottenminuteslynn ]

Absolutely THIS ^^ @WeyAyeMan

I am so sorry that your family cannot be there for you. It sounds as if you have taken steps in the past to protect yourself from them, and it looks as if you are going to have to do that again.

It will be very important for you to create a chosen family to surround yourself with the affirmation and validation you need as you forge your way in the world with your two little ones safely under your wings.

I hope you are feeling a little better this morning.

Abusers DO often spot when their victim is being abused by others - and they dont like it. They dont like anyone who takes time/attention/money/ whatever away from them, and possibly subconciously, they are aware of the manipulation as they do it themselves, but would never admit it. They see manipulative people as a risk, because they know they have their claws in deep. And they see non abusive, supportive people as a risk because they know they are treating you badly or that you are only staying through fear, and they dont want anyone to give you the support to leave.

Your family are wrong. To laugh about black eyes is vile. Your dad SHOULD have come to your defence at that point.

Your grandmother is wrong, as is your ex. You can have arguments and you can have boundaries, and if it feels like its getting out of hand, your ex could have chosen to walk away until things calmed down. Or agreed to disagree. He chose to try to dominate his will through force and violence. Thats not on you.

Its no surprise that many of the women who find themselves involved with abusive men discover that the parenting they received was duysfunctional or abusive/negligent. Probably due to generational dysfunction, supported in many ways by society. The good thing is that more recently as stuff isnt swept under the carpet, and therapy is more common, this continuation down the ages is being stopped in its tracks. As a child we have no reference for normal - and even if we know that it doesnt feel good it not only feels familiar, but we dont know what healthy looks like, so we are floundering to fill holes left by our parents, and sadly often looking for people with similar traits to fill those holes, which will never work.

This theory makes alot of sense too www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Thats why therapy/counselling is so important. You have recognised, sadly in the most dramtic way, that what you thought was right, was in fact wrong. Its not your fault. But it doesnt mean that you are damaged, or that you will always have these challenges - the brain is wonderfully plastic and can re-route connections and pathways and behaviours.