DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

If only the mental pain healed as fast as the bruises 😢

A fresh start could not just really help. It could be the thing that saves your life and the lives of the babies. He tried to murder you. He must never find you because fi he does he will finish the job.

Please understand this about trauma bonding - it is based partly on the illusion that you can control the mood of someone who has not bought into any of the rules of civilised life. This happens because of the intermittent nature of abuse. It is reinforced by outright blaming on the part of the abuser, but it is also caused by the victim's belief in a rational world where there must be an identifiable cause to every effect. There is nothing rational in your abuser's heart or mind. You didn't cause his behaviour, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

There is an ever-present threat to your life. Moving will be just the start of your response to this threat.

Yes definitely I am looking to move, the support worker is helping me with that, hopefully with a move closer to family as I'm quite isolated where I am.

I'm watching YouTube videos on trauma bonding, I know I desperately need help with this as soon as possible

Oh OP, as close as possible to people who will love and support you, wherever that is.

You will need all and any help with two babies.

Have you anyone living nearby to call and support you?

My next door neighbour called in yesterday when she finished work and text me today which is nice. I just feel lonely in this house, my sister is off work but I haven't seen her except for an hour on New Years, my dad and his wife's not messaging so much. Todays the first day I haven't seen my brother and I feel like I just need to give him a break, he's not been sleeping well.

Hoping my daughter sleeps better tonight so I can wake up and feel a bit better, we'll be going out for a little bit tomorrow to my dads just to break the day up. I'm just so sad and feel like I can't and don't want to function, I can't stand being in this house

Try and get out. Park, cafe etc.

What have you done with his stuff?

You could make some changes in the house. It will have a bad energy but if moving is unrealistic short term, see what changes you can make.

Sorry today has been tough

@Yummypumpkin absolutely nothing, when I asked police about his stuff I was just told for him to get it there would be proper channels. I cleaned the last of his clothes that were in the washing basket and now there's just a pile of his clothes. I took all of his photos down but he has a lot of possessions here. I don't know what would happen to them when I do eventually move

Going to get out tomorrow 😊

Yes. Go see your old Dad tomorrow. Bet he will love seeing you both.

Well that is annoying re his possessions but sounds like you're sort of organising them out of sight!

These are hard days for you but I have no doubt you will feel better soon.

Don't ask too much of yourself but do what you can xx

Sadly i know how you are feeling.

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years but we didn’t have any children together.
My ex too held me hostage in my house after beating me and threatening me whilst the police were outside trying to coax him out to let me go. I had a panic alarm at the time of which he didn’t know i had.
I understand how you feel as it is a constant whirlwind of emotions. They knock you down only to pick you back up again by saying all the right things and making you feel special. One thing i can tell you though is that they will NEVER change. It’s like it’s engraved in them. We can all shout at the top of our lungs “leave him” but it has to be your decision when you’re ready. For me i had reached braking point where I physically and emotionally couldn’t take anymore so when he was away for the weekend i hired a van, packed it up and left. He had no idea where i had gone and I never told him. It still took months before i fully let him go as i would occasionally talk to him over the phone and i met him a few times but i still never let him know where i lived as it was my safe place and that’s how i wanted it to stay.
As i said though we didn’t have children so it was easier for me. But an abusive partner who can smack you about and threaten to kill you whilst 7 weeks pregnant with a sleeping 8 month old baby will never change. It will only get worse. You need to protect yourself, your baby and your unborn child. Trust me when i say this, there is something better out there for you. You can have a wonderful life with your children and you can feel safe. You just need to make some decisions and as difficult as they are, you know what you need to do. Everything will fall into place i promise you but you will never feel safe as long as he is around.

I am sending you big hugs and so much strength. Please stay strong and hold on tight to that gorgeous baby of yours x

We can all shout at the top of our lungs “leave him” but it has to be your decision when you’re ready

The OP's H has been arrested and remanded because of a sustained and vicious attack on her at Christmas - if the OP allows this man back, allows him to contact her, or shows signs of forgiving him she will lose her babies.

@mathanxiety

We can all shout at the top of our lungs “leave him” but it has to be your decision when you’re ready

The OP's H has been arrested and remanded because of a sustained and vicious attack on her at Christmas - if the OP allows this man back, allows him to contact her, or shows signs of forgiving him she will lose her babies.

I missed that reply. I will never ever let that happen. My children are my everything and my life is to have a fresh start with them and keep them safe. I'd never entertain the idea now, painful as it may be.

Hope you had a better night sleep OP. You’ve mentioned your family which is great - how about your friends? I bet they would love to hear from you

@Comtesse I've seen a couple of my friends and they keep messaging me checking in, unfortunately everyone is back to work now so won't see them for a little while.

Slept a little better thank you, still woke up in a panic but I'm just distracting myself from that feeling now. It's horrible

it is very hard to separate emotions and what you should do. Surviving DV you know you have to get out of it for the safety of yourself and your dependents but it still tugs on your heart. you met this man, you built a future maybe conceived a child. for me my first husband due to his DV we often had to move houses and districts which made me more isolated. it took me 13 years to break free that was after several stays in a refuge and even a bed and breakfast then a house but I got involved with another man who abused me even more than I ran back to my husband as I thought in my head better the devil I know. eventually, I realised it had to stop but I was still stupid enough to get involved in 2 more abusive relationships before I had five years alone which gave me time to think about what was acceptable and what was not plus gave me time to stand on my own two feet instead of relying on someone else.
you will get days when you think well maybe and what if or perhaps he wills but once you make the break try not to go back. you may but people like Women's Aid will be there for you when you want to try again.
if they have a women's group near you they may help you decide what you wish to do for the best. otherwise, try to find things to do with your baby mother and baby groups perhaps where you can get to spend time with other women and see what life can be like.
I can imagine that you are scared in the house in case he returns. have you spoken to the DV unit at the Police station? they can issue you with alarms panic buttons etc to help you feel safer
if you ever want to pm me you are most welcome but I am sending you virtual hugs. I know it's a hard decision but has to be one you make, there are no mistakes only lessons.

@vintage21 thank you for sharing your story, I couldn't take him back even if I wanted to. It wouldn't be worth risking loosing my children
He may not even want to be with me anymore, now that I've spoken out, but either way. It's not and can't be an option.

Sometimes I'm ok with that, other times it's painful. I've been out today and drove the long way home, just don't want to be here yet don't want to be around people. I miss the familiarity. I've asked for counselling, I haven't heard anything from anybody today all seems quiet.

you will get good days and bad days but be assured better days are coming for you.
take care of yourself things will okay x

@vintage21 thank you. It feels like good hours and bad hours at this point, the days are so long I'm missing him a lot

The trauma bond can only exist in denial, "he had a bad childhood, he's scared of showing his feelings, he loves me really, he's a good dad, I'm just as bad as him, I shouldn't have argued" etc.

Because we can't face the horrifying thought that we have been exploited by a monster who doesn't love or care about us, that we allowed such a person into our lives, that's the thing we are trying to avoid and it's the thing that sets us free.

Of course, your heart is grieving and its OK to feel those feelings, it's necessary and natural.
Your healing will be accelarated if you can break that denial.

You miss the fantasy, the potential, the idea of what it could be.
The reality is, well, you know what the reality is.
Do you really miss that?

It's so painful to contemplate the reality... But it will free you.

Thinking of you OP, lots of us here following/checking on you.

Hugs.

@Moretodo thank you, I've just been sat crying I'm hurting so bad, I really needed to read that.

This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life

You are doing so well OP, even though it is very hard.

[quote WeyAyeMan]@vintage21 thank you. It feels like good hours and bad hours at this point, the days are so long I'm missing him a lot [/quote]
@WeyAyeMan, there are good hours and bad hours, good days and bad days. Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.
You are the stable, reliable, calm parent your children need —- you might not feel like that at the moment but it’s there and there will be far better days ahead for you and your children.
Stay strong, you’re doing brilliantly.

Thank uou both
I really appreciate the time that has been put into support me on this thread.

I'm a shaking wreck I just feel like I can't go on, clock watching until bedtime

Focus on the road ahead, not the mountains in the distance, for now.

You are honestly doing so well.

You're speaking about this, engaging with authorities, looking after your baby and your one on the way AND you're resolute you won't be taking him back and I believe you.

Mate, you're an absolute queen

Thank you so so much @youvegottenminuteslynn you're an angel

@WeyAyeMan

My next door neighbour called in yesterday when she finished work and text me today which is nice. I just feel lonely in this house, my sister is off work but I haven't seen her except for an hour on New Years, my dad and his wife's not messaging so much. Todays the first day I haven't seen my brother and I feel like I just need to give him a break, he's not been sleeping well.

Hoping my daughter sleeps better tonight so I can wake up and feel a bit better, we'll be going out for a little bit tomorrow to my dads just to break the day up. I'm just so sad and feel like I can't and don't want to function, I can't stand being in this house

OP I say it again You are so so strong

I wasn't I was a real fool and took many risks after multiple incidents in which he should have been jailed

What are your short term plans now?

Lots of fab advice here on this thread

We are all rooting for you and your precious little ones xxxxxxxxxxxx