DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

It just really confused me because straight away the social worker was talking about how his contact may work so it seemed as if some level of supervised contact they feel would be appropriate.

Remember you're the mum, the protector, the advocate for your little ones. She asked how contact might work. You can lead on this. You are best off saying "obviously because he's been charged with a violent crime with one child present and another inside me, future contact isn't something I'm focusing on at the moment. I will comply with court ordered assessments in future of course but I'm really keen to prioritise getting me and the kids to a safe place so we can heal. I won't be comfortable with unsupervised visits and would need to talk through how supervised visits would work if and when we cross that bridge, as my absolute priority is the safety of the kids."

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm not going to lie after seeing the baby in the scan and then the social worker giving me examples of how contact would work I think I was having a bit of a wobble, wanting him to have contact with his kids.

But what you've said really makes sense to me and I need to switch that off, at the end of the day he didn't care if my daughter never saw her mother again when he was squeezing my throat, I need to keep remembering this

Yes please do keep focusing on that my love.

And also the fact that a SW is there to help your children. So if you show absolute, 100% focus on them and forget about him and his needs, you're showing they are your priority.

If you start feeling sorry for him / caving in to the idea of contact / mentioning potential contact etc then you're giving that SW cause for concern and worst case scenario she could recommend you aren't likely to suitably safeguard them.

Work with them, in the best interests of your children, to get as much support as possible.

This wasn't a case of a shout and a slap (which would still be terrible) but a case of him being so unbelievable violent he could easily have killed you and you being pregnant at the time is a massive aggravating factor too.

And remember that once a man strangles a woman he is in a relationship with, he is statistically 6-7 times more likely to murder her.

But what you've said really makes sense to me and I need to switch that off, at the end of the day he didn't care if my daughter never saw her mother again when he was squeezing my throat, I need to keep remembering this

And also remember, and I feel terrible even saying this, that he could have just as easily caused a miscarriage even if he didn't kill you. Through stress, injury or lack of oxygen. He could have murdered you, your baby or both. This is so, so, so serious.

Men like him DO NOT get better. They don't.

Just be careful about wanting contact

They use this to control and abuse you

Sadly not because they care about the kids

I am fighting against it
In my case

So court for the attempted murder and other offences and then depending on the outcome
Family court would then commence

Hell on earth

But just to add some ladies in similar positions mentioned that with criminal court came restraining orders for mum and kids

This would be my ideal outcome

at the end of the day he didn't care if my daughter never saw her mother again when he was squeezing my throat, I need to keep remembering this

This man would have snuffed out the life of his unborn baby if he had killed you.

You could easily have miscarried (and still might) due to shock and stress.

If you think for one single minute that allowing this man to have contact with the children is going to be anything other than a way for him to torture and torment you and make your life a living hell, you need to think again.

He has absolutely no interest in forming loving relationships with other human beings. He only wants people in his life in order to destroy them.

Do not hand yourself or your children to him on a plate.

I can only surmise that the SW's conversation about contact is a way of checking whether you are determined to put the children first or if you are likely to be led by sentimental considerations. When you express hope that there can be contact, you are saying something very worrying to the SW.

Dig in your heels and say NO to this.

He will never, ever be the man you hoped he would be. Never.

Nothing will ever change him. Not your love, not the love of his children.

Wrt a non-molestation order and non-molestation order - you need to get these orders in place ASAP.
Please contact the police officer you are in touch with and get him or her to help you secure these orders.
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/
Information on the orders.

*Non-molestation order and Occupation Order.

She's helping look into a move to a different area so he won't be aware of where we live.

Your SW thinks he will kill you if he ever finds you again. This is because he is an extremely dangerous man. Therefore he should not have contact with the children.

You need to take the suggestion of moving you somewhere he won't find you as a serious suggestion that you should not be considering contact for him with the children.

Listen closely to the SW and take the hints.

And the talk of your family tree is to assess how much extended family support you have for yourself. If you are basically alone, they are going to be more concerned that you will go back to him.

They are trying to gauge the likelihood of you letting this man back into your life even in the smallest way. You have to be determined that will not happen.

@mathanxiety thank you so much
Ive contacted my support worker and waiting for her to reply so I can ask about the non molestation and occupation order.

His family keep contacting me asking me what is happening, his mother has been awful to me as if this is my fault and as though I should be doing something to try and fix it, I think im going to have to block them the anxiety is too much

Please block his mum and tell your SW you've done so. Keep them informed of everything you're doing to keep yourself safe mentally as well as physically. The more you do that the more they can see how you're serious about never letting him back.

Another day done - well done! You're doing so well.

Hope you managed some sleep last night.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you so much for keep checking in.
I'm not having the best day, really bad nights sleep with my daughter I think I've had about 3 hours and then I woke up panicking heart pounding and an upset stomach.

This is just so painful. The sw is due to ring me tomorrow so I'll update her then, im still waiting for the key worker from wwin to call me back about the orders. I haven't even made it out of bed yet, my daughters just playing with her toys here 😢

you dont need to rush - just take one day at a time and breathe into the moment to calm your panic. It really isnt surprising but it will get less. I imagine its the contact from his family that has made it worse again - he is their problem to sort out, not yours, so block and move onwards.

My daughter found some of the headspace apps really good for panic attacks. You could also take a look at the freedom programme online. You are sounding so much stronger - I think the longer the break away from him, the more you will find yourself again - he has trained you without notice, to have only him in your mind, and to frame everything around him - when he wasnt there it really sets you adrift because your brain isnt used to not centering him or waiting for him to control whats happening / what you are doing. It takes a little while but the way you are talking it is clear that your voice is coming back.

It takes 2 weeks to change a habit - so every day away from his influence makes you a little stronger. Im not sure you would have been angry or blocking his family a week ago, but today you have felt the anger and are able to do it. This is why men like this wont give you space - with space your mind can break free, and once it has done that it will never unsee the things that are wrong.

Playing in the bed is fine. you probably need lots of rest. Your daughter wont mind, she is just happy to play, with her mum close by.

Please block his family and call the police if they come near your home.

"Your son tried to kill you by choking me, do NOT contact me again." Send this to his mother and contact the police if she makes further contact.

She is scum like her son.
You owe her nothing.

You poor woman.
Tell your SW about his mothers harassment of you.

Keep talking and sharing OP, I think you are really brave in your honesty.
If we keep these things inside and don't bring them out for inspection they can fester and twist.

You could send one final message to his mum, "I'm going offline. My priority is our welfare. Please respect my wishes".
Block.
Be clear. Be boundaried.

Her messages are insane, it seems trying to you make you take responsibility for him.
You are responsible only for yourself and your children.
Not any other adult, especially this violent man who beat and imprisoned you.

My God.

Look after you today, take care of you and your daughter.
Be super kind and gentle to yourself.

@billy1966 they are in a different country. He has no family here so I think that's why they are hounding me for information. I told his mom what he had done sent her Photos and she was disgusted but now her precious son is in prison it's all turned on me.

I understand it must be hard being in a different country but it's not my responsibility to be communicating things to her. It's just exhausting, would he even be allowed to make a phone call to a different country from prison? I don't know how it works but otherwise they're never going to hear an update from him.

Crossed posts with @billy1966

Billy is right, tell the SW and if you do send a final message, include that you won't be communicating with her anymore.

The reason I think a final message is to prevent her calling on you.
If you are clear and she call, you will be able to contact the police.

None of that is your problem op.
Just inform her you won't be communicating with her anymore and block her.

If he wanted to be free to talk to his mum, he could be.
But he committed a violent crime and now he is not free to do so.
These are consequences.
His fault, not yours.

Don't feel sorry for him or his family.

You have massive insight to see it is trauma bonding.would you consider moving for a fresh start?

Not your problem to facilitate communication with his family-he'll have to ask his lawyer about that

take it easy op

OP,

His situation is not your concern.

It really isn't.

He could have killed you.

You owe him and his family NOTHING.

Text his mother one last reply, "your son tried to kill me, I do not want you to contact me again".

And block.

If she tries to contact you again, it IS harassment.

Tell your SW how stressed you are.

Something that helped me was to think "his problems are his problems, my problems are my problems".
I would put each scenario to the test, his or mine?
And deal with mine only.

Got enough on your plate with your own stuff.

I am looking into moving house, I think a fresh start would really help.
I'm panicking at any noise I hear outside, a nervous wreck in my own house.
I spoke to the support worker about accessing counselling, told her how stressed I am. The sw should be in touch tomorrow. I just feel fed up, the days are dragging, I feel terrible, I have no energy or motivation to even get myself washed. I hate this