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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
cocktailclub · 01/01/2022 21:58

Before you speak to him just make sure you gather anything he might hide. You have copies of the messages but is he likely to hide any savings etc from you? If so get copies of savings statements, share saves etc.

Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:58

The mental stress of keeping it bottled up in your job could be difficult. As a HCP I understand how easy it is to keep calm despite wanting to really lash out when a patient or family member has a go but we shouldn’t have to do that in our personal life. It’s a massive distraction which could result in you making mistakes at work. As a previous poster has said letting him know isn’t a problem. Just make sure that if you have joint financial accounts you don’t let him empty them. In fact that may be your next move before telling him. Go through statements for the last 6mnths to see if anything isn’t right. He may well have been moving money around for his own exit. You need to explore every part of your joint life to make sure you are not missing anything.

Derelicthome · 01/01/2022 21:59

Was there any chance you still want to remain married? Have you made up your mind to split?
If I wanted to save things I would speak up before the affair escalated any further.

Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 22:00

It will also give you something to do tomorrow. If he asks you are just starting to sort things out ready for your move, it’s a perfect cover story.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/01/2022 22:05

Channel your inner deviousness. He’d do it.

WanderingLost167 · 01/01/2022 22:05

You don't need evidence, this isn't a trial, it's, a divorce. The moment he admits it, done, sorted, you can use that as a reason. Even if he doesn't you can cite unreasonable behaviour.

Adultery doesn't impact settlements, custody or anything.

WanderingLost167 · 01/01/2022 22:09

The other thing to prepare yourself about is how your DH may react. When my ex discovered my affair he was almost I think more hurt that I didn't beg for forgiveness and ask to stay (i had already spoken to a solicitor about divorcing). How will you feel if that's the case?

Even those spouses who do beg to stay, I'd be wary about their sincerity. If he does want to keep the marriage together, do you feel you could trust him?

Honestly, if someone has cheated on a partner, and nothing has changed about that relationship, I would think it was likely for it to happen again, with the same OW or another.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 01/01/2022 22:13

Kudos OP, you been handling this so amazingly well.

He’s a prize cunt.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/01/2022 22:14

You don't need evidence, this isn't a trial

Legally this is true , but for some people it’s helpful to have the evidence and proof for themselves
To read if they ever waver , doubt

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/01/2022 22:15

Op , you have made enormous progress
I know you don’t feel strong 💪 but you are
And yes the moving closer to parents probably was because you knew on some level

It’s not easy
And I’m sorry x

CJat10 · 01/01/2022 22:39

Can you move into a rental property rather than buy...tell him it's to break a chain situation and make the move more straightforward? Then at least when you separate you can buy on your own.

Or....house moves are really stressful as is divorce so trying to limit that would be really helpful to you

MsDogLady · 01/01/2022 23:20

How dare he make a mockery of you and the children and then swan around talking about take-out.

Tic, your anger is benefiting you greatly. It will enable you to stay focused as you formulate a plan.

It’s excellent news that you have legal support and will soon learn your options. Knowledge is power, and you are tackling this from a position of strength. If you know that it’s over, don’t even entertain his excuses/manipulations.

My advice is, don’t sit on this too much longer. You know your values and boundaries, and are gathering vital information. This corrosive abomination is playing out right in front of you and needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

I’m in a different time zone and will be here if you need to chat tonight.

PointyMcguire · 01/01/2022 23:35

Just wanted to send a handhold and say how incredibly you’re handling this. Fingers crossed for a swift house sale.

MsDogLady · 02/01/2022 00:01

for too much longer

Mumof3confused · 02/01/2022 00:11

You poor thing. Keep your head cool if you can until you have spoken to solicitors. Another option could be to sell the house but move in with family while you look for your next place (if they have space). That would at least speed up the completion on your current house. And buy you more time.

Emerald4512 · 02/01/2022 00:21

Sending strength. What a disgrace of a husband and father.

desperatehousewife21 · 02/01/2022 13:45

Just rtft and wanted to say how strong and together you come across. I hope you are doing ok today as much as you can be.
I can’t even imagine how I’d feel in that situation, I’ve come across things I didnt like with DH in the past but nothing on this scale and that made me feel sick enough.

Take care of yourself Tic

mylovelydd · 02/01/2022 14:36

I'd block her number on his phone and under her name I'd put your number. He won't check the number, he'll just be texting the name. Then tonight when he thinks you're in bed and it's time for the two 'star crossed lovers' to text, he'll start texting 'her' AKA you and you can blow the cunt straight out of the water with a "And just exactly who do you think you're texting this shit to 'DH" and wait for the penny to drop.
But that's just me 😉

HairyFanjoBanjo · 02/01/2022 15:52

@mylovelydd

I'd block her number on his phone and under her name I'd put your number. He won't check the number, he'll just be texting the name. Then tonight when he thinks you're in bed and it's time for the two 'star crossed lovers' to text, he'll start texting 'her' AKA you and you can blow the cunt straight out of the water with a "And just exactly who do you think you're texting this shit to 'DH" and wait for the penny to drop. But that's just me 😉
Much as I don’t advocate playing games, this is actually genius!
Buildingthefuture · 02/01/2022 16:13

Op, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s truly shitty and you are doing superbly well keeping it together. He’s not very bright is he, leaving it all around for you to see?? You are doing all the right things re planning for the future and confronting him at your own pace. But I would literally GUARANTEE that he will say it was just “harmless flirtation”. So many men, if they aren’t actually physically shagging someone else, can justify a whole range of frankly unacceptable behaviour. He knows this is wrong which is why he hid it from you and I’m fucking certain he would NOT be happy if you were doing it. I would bet though that, when confronted with the reality, he won’t want to end the marriage, so be prepared for that too….He has made his (frankly appalling) choices, so all the choices moving forward are now yours.

ACCx · 02/01/2022 16:34

Hope youre okay OP

jelly79 · 02/01/2022 17:12

Sending love OP! You sound like you know your worth! Surround yourself with your good people x

Curlyreine · 02/01/2022 17:17

Stay quiet... it's really essential you prepare yourself and get your ducks in a row.

cocktailclub · 02/01/2022 19:00

@mylovelydd

I'd block her number on his phone and under her name I'd put your number. He won't check the number, he'll just be texting the name. Then tonight when he thinks you're in bed and it's time for the two 'star crossed lovers' to text, he'll start texting 'her' AKA you and you can blow the cunt straight out of the water with a "And just exactly who do you think you're texting this shit to 'DH" and wait for the penny to drop. But that's just me 😉
I also think this is a great idea, when you are ready to confront him
Original poster
Tic221 · 02/01/2022 19:41

Thanks everyone.

I've been back at work today, and that has distracted me and I've been so busy I've barely had time for a wee let alone thinking about this. It's done me some good to be out of the house.
I've also managed to get it off my chest to a couple of my closest work colleagues.

Interestingly, he hasn't messaged her today despite me being out of the house.
This confirms to me that the man on her Facebook picture is a partner and not a friend.

I like the block her number on his phone idea for later down the line.
Thinking about it tonight and I think when it hits the fan he will try to blame me or it was just a confidence boost.
I also think he will say they're just joking.

OP posts:
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