Emotional affair?

[Tic221]

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship?

I think OP he will use the terminology my H did- ‘it was just a bit of a crush’ — nothing more— as is that makes it all ok then!!!!

@Tic221 this is why you're doing it right. Waiting. As PP said 'getting your ducks in a row'

He'll be shocked at how prepared you are.

You are being very sensible OP. I feel for you. And sounds like you are prepared for him to try and gaslight you into believing a) there's nothing in it or b) it's your fault he had to look elsewhere.
Remember you are right and he's in the wrong.

I think when it hits the fan he will try to blame me or it was just a confidence boost. I also think he will say they’re just joking.

And if so, you will stand firm and not engage with such pathetic manipulations.

Blaming you doesn’t hold water because you do not control his fidelity. He chose the unethical path when he had ethical options to remedy any issues. And joking? It’s hardly a joke when he has lied about your caring actions, and they’ve been channeling emotional energy into each other for hours most nights for 6 months, and speak of fancying each other and needing to masturbate.

And pursuing an illicit ego boost at your expense is cheating.

His actions are unacceptable, and no amount of blame-shifting or minimizing can put a dent in your resolve.

You are awesome op
I know you don’t feel it
But you are x

I agree, there is no way he could try and turn this on you, or blame you in any way shape or form. And if he tried to say it was a joke?! That would actually make me more livid, because he’s not seeing it as a serious betrayal. Where do you draw the line? The heart eyes was just a joke, the flirting/ sexting was just a joke. Bet she wouldn’t see it that way either. I doubt the last 6 months feel like a joke to her.

I can see why people have said this is worse in a way than a one night stand, there’s so much to unpick and reams of messages you could sit for hours and analyse. Much more to it than a drunken fumble that meant nothing.

Not read the full thread but have read your comments OP.

In your situation I would bide your time - if he thinks you don't know, then you can make plans. It's shit, it really is.

And what is it about NYE that brings it all out? I was in your situation 4 years ago. Thought it was me, that something I was doing was wrong. I spent that NYE largely on my own with my kids while he was in the bathroom. Two weeks later he confessed that that he'd been having an affair.

Except he didn't. He said they were good friends, it was platonic, she was good company, etc, etc, blah de blah. Followed the script to the letter. In his case emotional became physical when he went on a 'business trip'. She was one of our sub-contractors, based in Canada, and the only way he could pay for the trip was if our business funded it. Lovely. As said by PP, a one night stand would have been much easier for me to deal with.

I didn't know what I wanted when I found out and it's taken me a long time to get to where I am right now. We are still together but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I will say, though, that in our case it was the right thing to do and it's made me a much stronger person. I am happy with my decisions and happy in my life.

But it's a personal thing...I'm not suggesting for one moment that anyone in my situation should choose to stay, it has to be your own choice. Right now you are in the first moments of discovery and you will be all over the place emotionally. Take some time, do nothing you will regret - you have the moral high ground.

Good luck.

My ex did this to me, at the time a friend of mine suggested I add myself to their chat and fire some smart arsed comment, or even a tirade to them both. Letting them know I was aware, had seen the messages and to kick him out. I didn't and kept the moral high ground. Looking back the relationship was screwed from then onwards and i wish I'd done this and at least hit some enjoyment from the situation.

@SedentaryCat

Not read the full thread but have read your comments OP.

In your situation I would bide your time - if he thinks you don't know, then you can make plans. It's shit, it really is.

And what is it about NYE that brings it all out? I was in your situation 4 years ago. Thought it was me, that something I was doing was wrong. I spent that NYE largely on my own with my kids while he was in the bathroom. Two weeks later he confessed that that he'd been having an affair.

Except he didn't. He said they were good friends, it was platonic, she was good company, etc, etc, blah de blah. Followed the script to the letter. In his case emotional became physical when he went on a 'business trip'. She was one of our sub-contractors, based in Canada, and the only way he could pay for the trip was if our business funded it. Lovely. As said by PP, a one night stand would have been much easier for me to deal with.

I didn't know what I wanted when I found out and it's taken me a long time to get to where I am right now. We are still together but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I will say, though, that in our case it was the right thing to do and it's made me a much stronger person. I am happy with my decisions and happy in my life.

But it's a personal thing...I'm not suggesting for one moment that anyone in my situation should choose to stay, it has to be your own choice. Right now you are in the first moments of discovery and you will be all over the place emotionally. Take some time, do nothing you will regret - you have the moral high ground.

Good luck.

Lovely post. And I totally agree. My initial reaction to DHs EA was “that’s it I’m throwing him out” but with time I changed my mind. DH took full responsibility, allowed me to talk whenever I needed to, in fact he would spot the signs well before I exploded. I am still not there yet but close. Only the OP will be able to work out what’s best for her. There is no right or wrong decision.

I don't think I can stay married to someone I can't trust.

I checked the messages from last night after work today.
They started messaging at 10.30 and went on until 2.30!

Dh asked her her favourite book and she replied with one of his and he said and mine. I know that it is his favourite too.
And I know it is a weird thing to stress over but it upsets me.
I actually think they're very alike. Not just the way they are both being utter bastards. But they seem to have a connection that I'm not sure we even had at the beginning.
And I think the books shit.
He actually said to me earlier last year " you like nothing that I like"
I believe this was before all this started too.

Which in all honesty is true. We are very different but it always worked for us.

And now he is spending 4 hours a night talking to someone who seems to like everything he does.

I think I would be less upset if had been sex tall only, I really do.

I do feel like I have a plan now though
Still looking for a house and still keeping my mouth shut. For now.

So basically last night they spent 3 hours hours of the 4 talking about a shit book.

I mean there were other messages that were suggestive and it can't be just a friendship but jesus christ.

She said to him at 2.30 you get to bed now, the boys will be up soon.
And he said you're right. Sweet dreams.
Who the fuck do they think they are

They are simply a pair of selfish fuckers OP , who are trying to recapture that ‘just met someone’ buzz , whilst keeping all the bits of their current life that they do like and without any normal day to day hassle.

Op, you are doing brilliantly. Breathe and try to remember that you have done wrong here…..and ALL the choices moving forward are yours. If you want to throw him out, that is absolutely your decision. Equally if you reflect and want to work it out, that’s your decision too. TBF, all the while you are reading the pathetic shit show of messages between them then I can see why fucking him off seems like the best option. But you are still in the midst of this, give yourself time. And honestly? I would confront him sooner rather than later, this shite must be so painful for you

Dh asked her her favourite book and she replied with one of his and he said and mine. I know that it is his favourite too
And I know it is a weird thing to stress over but it upsets me

That makes sense to me. Marriages are made up of these many small intimacies and shared experiences . That’s why long term emotional affair are much more hurtful than a one night stand . The fact that someone who we loved and trusted so completely has lied to us systematically day after day after day is so distressing.

He actually said to me earlier last year " you like nothing that I like"
I believe this was before all this started too

I suspect you are wrong. This is all part of the “ rewriting history “ that all cheaters do. They have to tell develop a narrative for themselves and their affair partner, one that justifies their cheating.

You know, all the usual cliches

We don’t have sex any more, we are like brother and sister.
She has cheated on me, I’m only staying for the children.
We married too young / she trapped me by getting pregnant.

You @Tic221 are getting:

My wife doesn’t understand me like you do - we have nothing in common.

My wife is too busy with work / children , she doesn't have time for me / care for me like you do.

That’s why I respectfully disagree with the PP who says

there is no way he could try and turn this on you, or blame you in any way shape or form

If / when you confront him he will almost certainly blame this all on you.
With an added dose of :

“ I would have told you about our friendship but you wouldn’t understand so I had to hide it from you. You made me lie. “

“ You are crazy and paranoid reading my messages like this, it’s a breach of trust “.

“ We are just friends and it’s only your dirty mind / issues that make you think it’s anything other than a pure and beautiful friendship “

“ If you were a good wife and were paying attention to me you would have seen that I’ve been unhappy for years. But all your care about us the kids / your patients / your dying granny. Even the dog/ the budgie gets more love and attention than me. “

@tarasmalatarocks

They are simply a pair of selfish fuckers OP , who are trying to recapture that ‘just met someone’ buzz , whilst keeping all the bits of their current life that they do like and without any normal day to day hassle.

This. They are - exactly - this.

I know exactly how you feel.

I have absolutely no doubt the book is total shit, too.

I think you're ace.

Everything @R0SEMARY says is true. Hold onto your anger @Tic221 because when you do finally confront him, he will absolutely try to absolve himself and you need to be ready to stand against it.

@LetHimHaveIt. Thank you for that— reason I know is I’ve been on both sides of the coin — I was the utter twat doing this in my Late 20s (was unhappy at time but that’s no excuse at all) and being on the receiving end of this treatment a good few years ago (different marriages) —its all about getting that ‘newness’ high— . Personally OP I would separate , you will struggle to trust ever again , I know i have and it’s 5 years later, however we are all different, I’m getting that feeling though from you that like me— it’s simply snuffed something special out.

Op, I’m so sorry you’re going through this turmoil.

I’m going to take a slightly different tack to the other posters on here.

Is there lots of chat going on between your DH and this woman? Yes. Is some of it flirty? Yes.

However; it doesn’t seem to have gone any further - no sexting, no suggesting of meeting up. No indication they’ve already met up or done anything sexually. It sounds like they’ve been speaking for a long time and for hours at a time, so I think if they were going to take it to the next level, they would have already.

It sounds like they’re just getting off on the thrill of a bit of chat & flirting, not that they have raging unrequited love/lust for each other. The fact he messages her in the evening almost frames it as ‘boredom’ messaging, for when he has nothing else to do.

I’m not minimising what he’s done - but equally, I wouldn’t say it has ventured into actual cheating, or that he is even that crazy about her.

If I were you I would confront him, send the kids to their grandparents overnight if possible & sit him down with the screenshots. Stay calm & firm that the only way forward is if he apologies and the chat stops, and he actively tries to regain your trust.

But of course that’s projecting my own limits, yours may be different. But I feel a lot of the posts on this thread are quite hysterical given what has actually happened, and Mn has form for shouting ‘LTB’ when real life is much more complicated than that. Good luck whatever you decide.

No I completely agree with you @R0SEMARY he will certainly try to blame it all on the OP, I meant more I didn’t want her believing it when he does inevitably spout that bullshit. She is worth 1000 of him and more.

Messaging until 2:30 indeed! I don’t think I could help myself, I’d end up sneaking in something like ‘you were late to bed last night, up to anything?’ But this is why OP, you are being so strong and have the upper hand.

I think the messages do seem sexual definitely.
They make reference a few times how they're going to go and have a shower/bed to relieve themselves.

Looking through I would say the innuendo/suggestive only started recently.
Maybe the last 2 months perhaps.

Where as leading up to that they just seemed very invested in their friendship.
Now there is a change.

Subtle but it is there.

To be honest I would find the generic conversation more upsetting. He gave her 4 hours of his undivided attention last night. How much time has he given to asking about your day in the last 24 hours?

Ha. Well let's see.

He asked me where his keys were, asked if the dog had been fed and that's about it.

I honestly don't know how you are not saying anything to him. I'd have well and truly lost my shit by now.

I’m wondering whether the ‘you like nothing’ comment was at the start of the friendship, when dh’s head started to be turned. It may not have got to the late night texting at that stage, but the communication may have been beginning, even it were longer chats at work (or wherever).

Op I don’t think you can continue to eat the messages now
They we hurting you more and more
I’d be tempted to blow at him now
You don’t trust him
And frankly divorce is so rice and custody is how is best for you kids
You have enough proof now

I’m sorry but I can feel your pain reading then and it going to make you feel
Worse and worse xx