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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:15

I'm not strong
I feel very weak.

But I don't want to give him time to prepare his excuses

He asked me what was wrong earlier and I said nothing just tired.
And he said too many wines last night.
Shall we get a takeaway save cooking
He was almost normal

And I don't understand how?

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 01/01/2022 21:15

You are very strong keeping it together - I’d have lost it by now and confronted him - you have my admiration!

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:16

Equity we have a fair bit.

So I feel like we could both be okay. I still worry about him managing.
That's why I'm weak.

OP posts:
padsi1975 · 01/01/2022 21:19

That all sounds so rubbish. That shower message is gross.

Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:19

He’s gone to give you a story whatever you do. If you have photos it’s all there in black and white. My DH tried that but quickly realised I wasn’t falling for the bullshit and quickly retracted it.
I did consider waiting but my circumstances are very different and financially would have been able to walk away. We have a teenager but he is old enough to make his own mind up.
If you have decided you want out then telling him you know is not an issue. But if you want to attempt to salvage your relationship then you may need to forget the move until you are sure you are back in a stable way place again.
You need to speak to a solicitor about a formal separation.
I think you are the n a difficult situation.

Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:20

waiting? I meant leaving.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:20

You aren't weak. You're decent and kind. You're worried about him because you love the man you married and despite him privately revealing himself not to be who you thought he was, it will take a long time to come to terms with the man you loved seemingly disappearing. It's such a headfuck.

He's able to be okish to your face because he's compartmentalising and because he's enjoying his secret life while also knowing he's got a good thing going at home so he's not got the bollocks or decency to have one or the other.

You are strong - you've managed to digest this information privately so you can take your time and plan next steps.

You're a fucking hero, pal.

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:21

I'm worried that if I speak now he will withdraw the acceptance of the offer or something.
To make it harder to walk away

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:21

Sorry about typos my new phone is very random about autocorrect

Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:23

You can still separate even living in the same house. I think for your sanity you need to address the EA then work in the practicalities.

ProudThrilledHappy · 01/01/2022 21:23

Good for you @Tic221 you are incredibly strong to be facing him while he lies right at you and carrying on. Prioritise your future, not whether he will be able to cope financially with the consequences of his actions

Lennon80 · 01/01/2022 21:24

You could be ages away from exchange of contracts though - my last house purchase took nearly 6 months to exchange contracts

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:25

Definitely speak to the solicitor your friend is setting you up with, for sure. ASAP.

They may advise letting the sale go through before telling your husband you want to split. Then you can both have equity and you can look to buy nearer your family so you have a support network close to you.

You poor thing this is all so unfair. And he's being so grotty as well with his shit shower chat and winky emojis. Wanker.

Yummypumpkin · 01/01/2022 21:26

You've made a huge amount of practical progress. I'm very pleased for you.

It will be better when you're back at work.

You will be in a fortress-like position when you tell him you know, you know what you want, you have a solicitor etc etc

I'm sorry but he needs to put himself back in the soil and try and grow himself into something wholesome. You can't fix him. He's away with the pixies.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:26

@Lennon80

You could be ages away from exchange of contracts though - my last house purchase took nearly 6 months to exchange contracts
This is a good point actually.

Hopefully the solicitor will be able to give you some solid advice next week.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 01/01/2022 21:26

@Tic221

I need to stop being angry. I hate being angry.

This last 2 years has been awful professionally and personally
Covid dominated everything we did
Work has been like torture.

And I thought this year would be better.

No you don’t need to be less angry, you’re doing brilliantly. Calm and calculated. I’m quite in awe.
Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:31

Have you told anyone in real life. I was able to talk to a friend and it helped tremendously. Mn is good to vent on but someone who really knows you and your situation may give you more solid support.

Yummypumpkin · 01/01/2022 21:34

Your anger is a protective response telling you your rights and wellbeing are threatened.

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:41

I spoke to my friend today
She's the solicitor

She is speaking to a colleague Tuesday.
She thinks I should keep quiet until exchange.
And carry on gathering evidence.

But I'm not sure that I can do this.
It's been less than 48 hours and I'm struggling to keep a lid on it.

OP posts:
R0BYN · 01/01/2022 21:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You aren't weak. You're decent and kind. You're worried about him because you love the man you married and despite him privately revealing himself not to be who you thought he was, it will take a long time to come to terms with the man you loved seemingly disappearing. It's such a headfuck.

He's able to be okish to your face because he's compartmentalising and because he's enjoying his secret life while also knowing he's got a good thing going at home so he's not got the bollocks or decency to have one or the other.

You are strong - you've managed to digest this information privately so you can take your time and plan next steps.

You're a fucking hero, pal.

You are indeed a fucking hero Grin.

You must be a very good nurse because you are calm under fire, can assess new information quickly, analyse the situation and prioritise.

And as in your job, you will do what needs to be done now and deal with your emotions later, when you have time and space.

The posters saying “ you must tell him now for your sanity “ mean well but they haven’t worked in your job over the last 20 months Flowers.

Your husband is acting normally because this double life IS his normal.

I’m so sorry, I have been there and I had to play the long game too.

Yummypumpkin · 01/01/2022 21:47

@Tic221

I spoke to my friend today She's the solicitor

She is speaking to a colleague Tuesday.
She thinks I should keep quiet until exchange.
And carry on gathering evidence.

But I'm not sure that I can do this.
It's been less than 48 hours and I'm struggling to keep a lid on it.

I think that is too much and could really damage not you or affect the children or your ability to be yourself with them.

I think what matters is you're prepared for his defence/attack reasonably well, you know what outcome you want, you've prepared and timed the conversation in your favour (eg so it doesn't impact on your getting to work) and you have your paperwork, copies of financial accounts etc

To keep silent until exchange could be weeks....you can't go on with this torture til then.

Staryflight445 · 01/01/2022 21:48

I’d talk to him.
It doesn’t really matter if you argue before seeing a solicitor, it doesn’t really change much.
Just don’t tell him you’re doing that.

You can’t play these emotional games with yourself op, it isn’t fair.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

LiG123 · 01/01/2022 21:50

@Tic221 you're being very eleven headed about this and putting you and your children first.

My worry for you is- moving can be a very long process 😣

youkiddingme · 01/01/2022 21:56

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP and I'm in awe of your handling of it.
I know this is a torturous situation but it will pass. Flowers

R0BYN · 01/01/2022 21:56

You will find it easier to keep a lid on it when you have got over the initial shock and spoken to others like the solicitor. The fact gathering helps.

I’d also try to see a counsellor.

You’d think that confronting him will ease the stress , like taking the lid off a pressure cooker . But it makes it a lot worse because then he will start to bombard you with what he wants and his opinion on what you must do . That makes it much harder to work out what YOU want.

And he will turn on behaviour of some sort or another to try and make you do what he wants.

Perhaps angry and blaming you for everything you are and do . Maybe that you neglected him because of your work. That you forced him into her arms . That she has time for him and you don’t.

Or he will accuse you of being paranoid , that they are just good friends. That he didn’t tell you because of your insane jealousy.

Perhaps manipulative eg trying to turn the children against you. Or saying that he is depressed or even suicidal. He might try to involve his family or friends with this.

It will suddenly become all about him him him . Just when you need time and space to work out what you want.

He’s had at least 6 months to think about what he wants to do. You are also entitled to time.

If you need to talk to someone , do so. But not him. A friend of family member you can trust 100% . A counsellor or therapist .