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Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 20:45

No

Real life does "get in the way" he has been absent from our home for 6 months.
Emotionally anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 20:46

We have just sold our house

We are viewing one Wednesday
I need that to go ahead. Because one it is closer to my family.
I'm not sure financially I can do that on my own.

Calculating maybe. But I'm not sure what else to do.

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 20:51

To add credibility to my viewpoint. I spent 12 months as a mistress to a married man (before I met and married my DH). DH knows about my past and perhaps it helped with our situation since he couldn’t bullshit me with all the usual stuff.
Being an affair partner is such a fantasy. I wasn’t interested in a full time relationship at the time. I wanted fun and sex. It taught me a lot about how important communication is in a real relationship. I’m not proud of my past but I know that I would not want to have an affair myself.
My affair partner eventually found out his DW had been having an affair with her best friends DH for years. He didn’t find out until 12 mnths after he divorced her which was a few years after we stopped seeing each other.
Many women are oblivious to their DHs affairs. I spotted the early signs because DHs behaviour changed. One of the strengths of our relationship is that even after 30 years we are sensitive to subtle changes.

StopStartStop · 01/01/2022 20:52

Have you thought of splitting now before you enter into another financial complication with him? If you wait, he might jump in with some plans of his own.

RandomMess · 01/01/2022 20:53

Be very calculating about this new house. Can you say you don't want such a large mortgage and find something else near your family?

Are you relocating as in DC moving schools or is it like 10 minutes nearer?

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 20:56

I really want to speak to him now.

But I need to get everything in order first.
I'm trying to find a house I can afford alone. But there's nothing coming on the market.

I've taken photos on my phone of most of the messages

I'm checking where I stand in terms of custody etc
As the thought of not seeing my 3 dc as much terrifies me
I'm a nurse so I rely on him for childcare nights, earlies etc. I'm speaking to my manager Monday about going days only.

I can't go forward with this
I will never trust him again.
I'm distraught but I know trying to move on won't benefit me. Just him.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 01/01/2022 20:57

Who wanted the sale and move op?

This is worrying

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 20:57

Relocating closer to school and closer to family.
This had been decided before I found all of this.

It was meant to be our forever home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 20:58

I pushed for the sale.

And I don't know why I love my house
But I wanted to be closer to family

Maybe it was my subconscious

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2022 20:59

Assume you are on your own - current house or new house?

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 20:59

And perfect timing

He just messaged her and said I'm going for a shower. And she said I may join you.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:00

Oh my love this must be unbearable watching it unfold in real time, I feel so sad for you 😞

Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:00

I agree this changes everything. Good plan to look at places you can afford on your own. Have you looked at rentals, you may be entitled to help if you are a single parent.
Give yourself a few days to get advice. There may be more help out there than you realise.

Lennon80 · 01/01/2022 21:01

So has yours had an offer on it?

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:02

I think I can afford to buy on my own but it changes what I'm looking for.
And it would seem everyone is looking for the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:02

Yes we are under offer
Accepted a week before Christmas

This house is too far from my family though and I think I'm going to need all the help I can get.

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 01/01/2022 21:04

I feel your pain it’s like death by a million paper cuts. Have you no one you can stay with for a few days until the children are back at school just so you can get your head around it all without the seething rage going on inside.

Onthedunes · 01/01/2022 21:04

I think you need to see a financial advisor and a solicitor.

Book appointments Monday.

Not a word.

Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:06

I'm at work tomorrow.
Once I'm back I can throw myself into work.

If I stay away I feel like I'm giving him the heads up and time to get his story straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:07

One of my oldest friends is a solicitor
I've spoke to her today she's property though.

She is going to speak to her colleague on Tuesday and get me in to see him
He is family law.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 01/01/2022 21:09

I need to stop being angry.
I hate being angry.

This last 2 years has been awful professionally and personally
Covid dominated everything we did
Work has been like torture.

And I thought this year would be better.

OP posts:
AgathaX · 01/01/2022 21:09

Oh they're scummy, aren't they? You're holding it together really well, that must be so difficult.
I suppose the house sale may make things go through quicker and easier if you separate.

borisisaknob · 01/01/2022 21:10

I'm so sorry you are going through this; you sound very strong. I would have confronted him way before now :(

supercali77 · 01/01/2022 21:13

This must be awful for you op but you're handling it brilliantly

Lennon80 · 01/01/2022 21:14

That’s good at least that sale means if you split equity it will be done quickly and you won’t need to rent

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