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Original poster

Isolating alone while DP spends NYE with female friend. Feeling uncharacteristically jealous

122 replies

toksvig · 31/12/2021 09:37

Really down in the dumps on day 4 of omicron fun. Lucky to be able to recover alone with no responsibilities (DS is at his Dad’s) but it’s gonna be a lonely old day.

DP and I don’t live together, been together a few years. We spent most of Xmas together-but-not-alone-together and had plans for a NY in a deux, nice meal, etc.

Anyhow, along comes covid and those plans go out the window. Disappointing but fine.

Last night he told me that his good friend is going over to his tonight (he’s testing repeat LFTneg). I know her, like her, trust him, don’t expect him to not do anything just because I’m ill. She’ll stay over as he lives quite remote.

I’m feeling insanely jealous and not sure what to do with these alien feelings. I know it’s the grown up thing to do to discuss them with him, without accusations, expectations, etc. Didn’t sleep till 4am last night wrangling with this.

Alongside this is the feeling that he wasn’t particularly disappointed to be missing out on our evening, or recognise that this might be a vaguely threatening situation for me. I guess there’s some insecurity running deeper still.

How to approach this?

OP posts:
BenjiMcSchmenzie · 31/12/2021 09:39

Just tell him. Tell him that you are feeling ill, miserable, lonely and left out. If he's a decent partner he will understand.

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

BoodleBug51 · 31/12/2021 09:40

She's a friend. If he wanted to be with her, he would be. But he's not, he's in a relationship with you.

I think you're giving it far too much head space.

Hope you feel better soon.

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2021 09:43

I'd feel a bit miffed too but I suppose he can do what he likes.
I'd talk to him and tell him how fed up and rubbish you're feeling.
Hope you feel better soon Thanks

Wickerandboxes · 31/12/2021 09:47

I get how you’re feeling, I would feel the same too. Could you tell him you don’t want to see the new year in alone and maybe make up a date night over FaceTime? Both make some food together over FaceTime and eat together over the screens?

Or could he come to yours and sit outside distanced from you all wrapped up warm with a takeaway and see it in together under the stars?
I know she’s his friend but you’re his girlfriend and feeling lonely, maybe she could come with him with food?

Or mix the both up, cook over FaceTime together, his friend comes to his and they then bring blankets and things to keep warm to yours to sit outside, quite distanced from you but so you can chat and not be alone.
I think that’s what I would do if it was my partner

redtshirt50 · 31/12/2021 09:47

I’d tell him, and if he’s a decent partner he’ll reassure you so you can stop worrying

‘I dunno why but I’m feeling strangely jealous of you meeting your friend tonight. I think the isolation is getting to me’

Is what I’d go for - not too serious but gets the point across

I’m my experience you always feel better getting the emotions out there :)

TomAllenWife · 31/12/2021 09:51

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

LaChanticleer · 31/12/2021 10:07

Can you suggest a Zoom NYE? I do this a lot - we just go on Zoom, and do normal stuff. I've caught up with family & friends while cooking, cleaning the fridge, eating my supper, sewing, whatever.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/12/2021 10:09

That sucks. Sorry you’re ill and can’t do your nice plans. You feel how you feel, give yourself a break. You know him better than we do, would talking to him about it help?

Hope you’re back on your feet soon, why not plan something fabulous to look forward to.

StopStartStop · 31/12/2021 10:17

I wouldn't be comfortable with that. NYE, a few drinks, overnight already planned... nah, mate. He'd be the ex by now.

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 10:21

She's a friend. If he wanted to be with her, he would be. But he's not, he's in a relationship with you.

Yes because obviously the friend wouldn't have a say in that at all. If he wanted to be with her, he would Hmm

SeaKingdom · 31/12/2021 10:23

@TomAllenWife

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

What would you do if you and / or your partners was bisexual? Would you not ever allow yourself or them to be alone with anyone ever? I just find it incredibly weird that you wouldn't be alone in a house with someone of the opposite sex.
StopStartStop · 31/12/2021 10:23

If he wanted to be with her, he would be
And tonight, he is. Spending his time with her.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 31/12/2021 10:24

Maybe try and see it along the lines of, that you'd be jealous of whoever he was with. Even a male friend, it might be a case of FOMO rather than jealousy in the sense of him being with another woman?

gannett · 31/12/2021 10:24

You're not unreasonable to be disappointed and upset of course, but if you trust him and her then you know that your jealousy comes from an irrational place.

I'd ask if we could zoom at some point in the night, probably for the countdown, just because you're lonely and want to see his face. Tbh I'd suggest doing that if he was alone as well. I know we're all sick of zoom socialising but it has its uses. And you can say hi to her as well, and I'm sure she'll be the nice friend you remember and not a threat.

spotcheck · 31/12/2021 10:25

She's a friend. If he wanted to be with her, he would be. But he's not, he's in a relationship with you

I hate that argument too. I've dated far too many men who like to have someone else on the back burner for an ego prop.

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 10:25

I probably wouldn't tell him how I was feeling about it, I would probably just end the relationship to be honest. Couldn't be doing with being up till 4 in the morning worrying that my partner was snagging his friend while I was at home alone (and let's not pretend that's not why you were up till 4 in the morning).

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 10:27

Shagging obviously, not snagging

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 31/12/2021 10:30

@StopStartStop

If he wanted to be with her, he would be And tonight, he is. Spending his time with her.
He literally can't be with OP though. So to not see a friend is asking him to sit at home alone just to make OP feel better about having to do the same.

I would just talk to him. Or else break up with him because I don't trust him.

SpindleSpangle · 31/12/2021 10:31

They are uncomfortable emotions to process because of where the situation suggests one is on one's partner's priority list.

Mermaidwaves · 31/12/2021 10:32

I wouldn't like this either, it all sounds a bit cosy, holed together in a remote location. I'm horribly cynical but you said you feel he doesn't seem disappointed that he's not spending it with you, that's an interesting vibe you are picking up on here. I'm not sure what you can do other than be open and tell him how you're feeling?

Greensmoothie1 · 31/12/2021 10:34

I wouldn’t be comfortable about him going out with one woman. I would be happy if he went out with a group of people. You need to let him know how you feel about this.

Dottydozet · 31/12/2021 10:35

Surely if he's been with you the whole Christmas period then he's been exposed anyway and might as well have just stayed with you.

I would not have left my covid positive partner alone on NYE if I had already been exposed unless I was clinically vulnerable.

EmmasMum12 · 31/12/2021 10:38

It's a shame he doesn't seem bothered that he's not spending NYE with you

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 31/12/2021 10:43

@redtshirt50

I’d tell him, and if he’s a decent partner he’ll reassure you so you can stop worrying

‘I dunno why but I’m feeling strangely jealous of you meeting your friend tonight. I think the isolation is getting to me’

Is what I’d go for - not too serious but gets the point across

I’m my experience you always feel better getting the emotions out there :)

I like this response - send that message!

I would feel very uncomfortable with a partner spending the night with another woman even if they are "just friends/been friends for years". Especially New Year which is coupley anyway.

Sarasarah · 31/12/2021 10:47

Nope I wouldn't like it either. Neither would my DP. That situation would never come up for us because quite simply we both know that it isn't something either if us would be comfortable with. Hence why we suit each other.

Sorry not sorry for not being a 'cool' wife on this one!